Greetings. My name is Bob Smith Taro Yamada Supercali_fragilistic_expealidocious, the 7th, last, and only…Ph.d. (And that's just the short version!)
Hi! My name is…Kate!
And no matter where you come from, no matter how stupid you are, we can teach you…
Chapter 5: How to Be Civilized
The two of us just stared at the virtual people on our passport cards, sitting at a virtual table on virtual floating chairs sipping virtual tea. To be honest, I couldn't tell whether they were more futuristic or British in their formal attire.
"And now time for Lesson 1," began Bob. "How to dress with STYLE!"
Big Amy blinked. "Wait…what…why?"
"FOOL!" shouted Kate, almost knocking us over in surprise. "What do you think you're doing walking around in civilized society in THAT? And that hair—yeesh—don't you know what a hairbrush is?" Then she turned to me and added, "You're not off the hook, either—I mean, what are you doing? Cosplaying as someone from the early 21st century? A really unstylish one, too."
I was stunned. What kind of technology was this? It was one thing being able to identify what we were wearing; it was something completely different to offer such obnoxious opinions on it. I wondered who programmed this thing in the first place.
"Do you want the fashion police and gossip magazines to come down on your—?"
"No!" I shouted.
"Then get up to A1-C17 on the 22nd floor! STAT!"
The complexity of Bob and Kate's AI programming—the fact that they could actually respond as well as the Welcome Robot to our comments, and what's more, have an attitude about it—scared me more than ever at this point. Good thing they actually let us use the 3-D hologram map to let us find the so-called makeover store. When we arrived at the spot on the map, we found that A1-C17 was a combination of a barber shop and a clothing store (with the barber shop being squished over to one side).
I didn't plan on getting a haircut, but Kate demanded that we go to the barber shop first. My hair was short enough as it was compared to most of the girls in my school. While they had hair halfway down their backs, I was forced to keep mine just touching my shoulders, because I tried having long hair once. It was too thick. Not very pretty. So I was extremely surprised when the hairdresser guy asked me whether I wanted a haircut…or a hair lengthening.
"What?" I exclaimed. "You can make my hair longer? How?"
He explained the process to me, but I couldn't really follow along with what he was saying. It looked harmless, though, so I agreed for him to lengthen mine to halfway down my back, partly due to Kate's urging, and partly because I was curious to see what it would look like. Amy Purima wanted a haircut to the exact same length that I was lengthening mine to, but she also wanted a change in hair color from brown…to pink. I smiled.
"You like the color pink, too?" I asked.
"Yeah! Wait…you do too?"
"Yeah!"
"So why are you leaving your hair brown?"
"I'd rather wear a pink outfit instead. Brown hair goes well with them."
The procedure was much quicker than I expected. Thankfully, Bob and Kate kept their mouths shut and went into sleep mode the whole time. After we sat down in the chairs, the hair shampoo and wash step only took about 30 seconds. The hairdresser guy expertly trimmed Amy Purima's hair to the right length, but was collecting it in some sort of container instead of letting it fall on the ground. Then he applied the pink color to her hair and let the spray soak for a while. Meanwhile, he turned to me for my hair-lengthening procedure. Now here's the wackiest part; though I couldn't see it very well, I'm pretty sure that he actually used Amy Purima's hair and attached it to mine!
I'm not sure what kind of crazy technology allowed it to happen, but whatever it was, it successfully fused the extra hair to mine with absolutely no visible seams. And best of all? It wasn't puffy or annoying at all! (Edit: I later found out that it was an actual procedure they could do back on Earth, minus the hair fusion part.) Finally, we were done, and we were back at the register.
"Okay, so the total cost comes to…1,000 dollars," he said.
My jaw dropped. "A THOUSAND dollars?" I shouted.
"FOOL!" shouted Bob, who apparently couldn't keep his mouth shut any longer. "How much did you think it would cost?"
"I thought haircuts were only supposed to be 40 dollars on average! Well, maybe that lengthening was worth 100, but…"
"FOOL! What are you from, from the 21st century? Well, that IS how much they used to cost, but…"
"Ooooooooh…" I said, smacking my face as it finally occurred to me. "Inflation."
"Bob, it's okay," said the hairdresser guy. Then to me, "Don't worry. We accept Galactic Federation credits, too. That'll be only 50 credits total."
(Pheeeeeewwee!)
After thanking him, we arrived at the clothing store. I was absolutely stunned. Normally, I hated all clothing stores with a passion (except for Khols, from which I bought my current outfit), mostly because they never carried anything I liked. I mean, come on! What's the point of wearing clothes if it exposes your midriff, or worse? But this store? Sure, there were outfits like that, but what really blew me away was the sheer variety of clothes to choose from. And the best part was the machine in the store's center; you could actually design your own clothes and create it within minutes!
Amy was totally stunned. "Wha—which one should I choose?" she wailed. Poor girl. She must've been suffering from sensory overload, or as she'd put it, she'd say that her brain was about to explode.
Right when it looked like she was in danger of fainting, I reassured her, "Don't worry. I'll give you suggestions. I have way more experience knowing what looks good on different people."
"FOOLS! This is where you need the help of a trained pro." Kate suddenly popped back up. In fact, there was two of her now; one on each of our cards. I rubbed my temples and groaned. This was going to be such a hassle…
Kate guided her to the 10-year-old section, while she steered me to the 18-year-old section. What do you know? They actually had shirts very much like mine, but in all sorts of colors combinations. I picked the one I liked; one that was mostly pink, but with a stripe of white, too. It had short sleeves that hung to my elbows, and I found a pair of shorts that looked like mine, but red instead of black. Finally, I picked out shoes that were pretty much the same as my original shoes, but had upgraded comfort levels, airflow, traction, and resistance to friction. Kate grumbled loudly about all of these choices. Even the shoes. Especially the shoes. She was just like my mom, but 100 times worse.
Meanwhile, Amy was having much more trouble. She still couldn't decide which one to pick. When I caught up to her, I suggested, "Why don't we try out that Make-Your-Own outfit machine over there?"
"Why? I don't know how to work that thing!"
"I've got an idea. Let me try it."
It was actually a lot easier to work than I thought it would be. The procedure consisted of scanning in one's body type (in this case, Amy's) and then using the design palette based off of it. She just watched in amazement as I recreated a design I drew for a character I made a while ago. After I finished, the machine churned out the exact outfit made from cotton, just as I specified.
"Why is it all green and blue-green and black?" she asked.
"Trust me. It'll match your hair."
I showed her stuff like how to go into the changing rooms and try the outfit on to see if it fitted. It did, perfectly, but…since she had no idea how clothes worked, I had to help her out. A lot. It was…interesting. Luckily, the outfit I chose also fit me. By the end, she wore blue and green gloves, a blue and black sleeveless shirt, green skorts, long knee-length white socks, and blackish boot shoes. I was impressed. All of the band-aid dressings were tastefully covered over, except maybe for a sliver around the wrists. Finally, we happened to find a hat with Jigglypuff ears and hair that fit her perfectly with her red bow tied in the back.
"Wow! This is sooooo cute! You're GOOD at this, Little Amy!"
"Thanks! I never thought I'd actually get a chance to do this." I was glad that even Kate had to admit that I wasn't a complete fashion dunce. Of course, it was right then that I had to tell Amy that we had to put all the new outfits in the shopping bags and purchase them before we wore them.
Kate went on and on about matching accessories, but personally, I didn't want to have anything to do with earrings, bracelets, piercings, tattoos, watches…well, okay, I traded in my old watch for a more up-to-date one, but to Kate, it pretty much looked exactly the same as before.
"Eh, if you insist, I suppose you two will do for now. Anyway, we have nine more lessons to go."
My jaw dropped. "All that was just Lesson 1?"
Grovyle and Chikorita are traveling through the massive mega-mall for Pokémon. Chikorita oohs and aahs at the 50 or so floors reminiscent of a mystery dungeon, except for the fact that it doesn't change shape and is much more safe; no one really attacks them. Grovyle just scrutinizes the map really closely, trying to memorize his way around.
Chikorita: Hey Grovyle! Where should we go first? Where where where?
Grovyle: Hang on, Chikorita, I'm working on it—
Chikorita: How about the aquarium floor?
Grovyle: Uh, I can't swim in all that water, and I don't think you can, either.
Chikorita: What about the fighting arena—oh wait.
Grovyle: Pass. I've got enough fighting from that dark future to last a lifetime.
Chikorita: The jungle area…?
Grovyle: Hmm…Now you're talking…
They pass several shops, all selling berries, held items for battle, power items (such as the Power Anklet) for training, orbs, etc. Chikorita pulls Grovyle over to the one selling items for outer space travel. A confident Kirlia and a disorganized Mawile run the shop.
Chikorita: Grovyle! Look, look! Can we get something? Can we? Can we?
Grovyle: Hey…this looks interesting.
Kirlia: Welcome to the Official Space Travel Shop! …Uh…
She looks around and finds that Mawile is still unloading merchandise.
Kirlia: Hey MAWILE, that was your line! Get back here! We've got CUSTOMERS!
Mawile: Huh? AAAH! Sorry! Sorry!
He runs right up to the counter next to Kirlia and bows to Chikorita and Grovyle, apologizing profusely.
Mawile: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry—
Kirlia: Quit apologizing and help out our customers here! NOW!
Chikorita and Grovyle (intimidated): (Dang…she's scary…)
Mawile: Right, right! Uh…uh…How can I help you?
Chikorita: Huh? Oh, just looking! Let's see…
Grovyle: Were these items what allowed Pokémon to travel through space?
Mawile: Yes sir. This Oxygen Orb was a revolutionary breakthrough that allowed Pokémon to survive in the harsh environment of outer space, and…
Mawile continues to give Grovyle a run-down on all the basic essential items of his shop. Chikorita notices the freeze-dried food, the orbs, and most especially, the miniaturized spaceships. She points to one, and Kirlia is quick to explain so Mawile can continue to focus on his explanation Grovyle.
Chikorita: What about those?
Kirlia: Oh, sorry about that, miss. You need an official spaceship driver's license to purchase one of those.
Grovyle: Interesting… (Note to self…)
While Grovyle picks out a couple orbs and freeze-dried foods, Chikorita grabs a whole mess of them.
Grovyle: For me, these will do.
Chikorita: I wanna buy all of these!
Kirlia: Excellent choices. Don't worry. We accept both Poké as well as Galactic Federation Credits.
They hand over their passport cards to complete the transaction. Chikorita stuffs all the goods into the Treasure Bag and runs ahead, eager to buy more from the shops.
Chikorita: Grovyle! C'mon! Let's go! Let's go!
Grovyle: I'm coming! Calm down already! *sheesh*…
Kirlia: Haha! Try not to let your little cousin wear you down, okay, sir?
Grovyle: Excuse me? ("Little cousin"?)
Kirlia: Just kidding. Have a nice day!
She turns around and sees that Mawile is trying to pocket some of the stuff for himself.
Kirlia: MAWILE! Get back to work!
Mawile: Y—yes ma'am!
Grovyle: Easy, easy…
Kirlia: Oh, don't mind him! This is his first part-time job—I need to make sure he gets this stuff right.
Grovyle: Okay…? (Suuure…)
He groans and continues on, hoping he can keep up with Chikorita all the way.
"Lesson 2! Mind the signs!"
"Lesson 4! Drive Ferraris and eat caviar!"
"Lesson 7! 1,000 rules of etiquette!"
To be honest, the rest of the lessons went by in a blur, so even I wasn't sure whether those were the real titles or not. They just sounded like that to me. It didn't help that they kept being really obnoxious by calling us fools every so often. But after all those lessons, after all those tiresome training sessions, there was the one that made us both snap.
"Lesson 10! Asserting your domination over such creatures as dogs, cats, hamsters, and Pokémon!"
We perked up, shocked, from where we were, lying on the unusually sterilized floor of the mega mall. "…What? Pokémon?"
"FOOLS!" said Bob. "Everyone knows that civilized people carry Pokémon in Poké Balls and use them to win tournaments for loads of money. Like so!" He conjured up a Poké Ball hologram and threw it in Kate's general direction. It released a beam of white light that materialized into a Pikachu hologram. Then he shouted, "Pikachu, return!" and the Poké Ball shot a beam of red light that dragged the Pikachu back in.
Now I've seen this sort of thing all the time on the Pokémon TV show back at home and was used to it. But this was the first time in my life when I considered it from the point of view of the Pokémon themselves. Not the Pokémon from the show, mind you. But the Pokémon from the Mystery Dungeon games, the ones with their own societies, ways of life, hopes, and dreams, just like people. Just like Grovyle and Chikorita (and Dusknoir and Celebi and all the others back there). Just like…Big Amy.
I was appalled.
And so was she. "People actually…DO that?"
"FOOLS!" Bob replied. "You think it's physically possible 40-foot-tall Wailord to just follow you around? Didn't think so! First of all, it's too big, even for places like these. Second of all, you'd need a lot of water for it to swim around in, or a really expensive levitation device. No, it's much more convenient to carry them around. I mean, come on! Pokémon is short for Pocket Monsters. How do you think Pocket Monsters got their name?" He pointed to the Poké Ball in his pants pocket for emphasis.
This must've been really awkward. And crushing at the same time. I knew for a fact that Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of the Pokémon franchise back in Japan or somewhere, came up with that name for the original Game Boy game revolving around the very aspects of catching, trading, and battling with them. And yet…I asked Bob and Kate, "You know…there's a whole planet of them that we've just been to…so why—?"
"Oh, you mean Planet Portania?" interrupted Kate. "That's where the smart ones keep coming from. The ones here are quite okay with it. But getting back to the subject, there's a Poké Ball store you should go to—"
"No," said Big Amy, flatly. "I'm not going there."
I quickly added, "Me neither. In fact, now that I think about it—"
"FOOLS!" shouted Kate. "You won't count as being civilized if you—"
"As I was SAYING…Now that I think about it, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you guys are trying to get us to blow away all our money."
After the meal, they check out the rest of the place, though Grovyle continues to be befuddled by the fact that Pokémon continue to have "pointless" fighting competitions. After a while, Grovyle pulls out his passport card to check on the two Amys—and sees that they're both exiting the human building.
Grovyle: Chikorita. They're done.
Chikorita: AWWW…! Already?
Grovyle: That's right. They agreed to meet us out there. Let's go.
Chikorita: Fine, fine… (Oooo…I sure hope my Amy had lots of fun reading minds!)
They exit the Pokémon building, and the Welcome Robot guides them to the fastest mode of transportation to get to the human building—a "skateboard" on rails. They both hop on and steer it like a surfboard.
Chikorita: WA-HOOOO!
Grovyle: Chikorita—have you—rode this—thing before? WHOA!
Chikorita: Not exactly! But remember when you made us look for the Hidden Land back then? Our Amy and I made a surfboard out of leaves and paddled it across the sea! Or at least we tried. It didn't work thank to that invisible shield. We still surf now and again!
Grovyle: I see—GAH! Careful, there…
Chikorita expertly steers the device in the front while Grovyle just hangs on for dear life in the back. But when they reach their destination…
Chikorita: AAAH! End of the line! End of the line!
Grovyle: Chikorita! Stop this thing!
Chikorita: I-I can't! I don't know how!
Grovyle: WHAT?
The board slams into the endpost, and the resulting momentum launches them into the air.
Chikorita and Grovyle: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
They crash into the ground.
Chikorita and Grovyle: Ooooww…
Grovyle: You really gotta learn how to stop…
Chikorita: I'm working on it…I swear…
They dust themselves off and stand up. In front of them is a really weird sight. Two girls are jumping up and down, crushing some sort of book on the ground. One of them looks like she should be their Amy, but her hair is suddenly pink and shorter, she's wearing a Jigglypuff hat, and her outfit is completely different. The shock baffles Grovyle so much that he completely forgets what he was going to ask the other Amy.
Grovyle (completely stunned): Uuuh…that IS you, right, Amy?
Outside the mega-mall, we threw both the hard copy of the obnoxious book and the obnoxious videochip down on the ground and took turns stomping it over and over again, completely decimating the hologram projections of Bob and Kate. We must've looked pretty silly, jumping and crushing some innocuous-looking objects in the middle of the walkway, and it might have been a bad idea given the advanced level of AI programming in there, but we were too incensed to care. I didn't want to hear anyone else shouting "FOOLS!" at us ever again.
"Who programmed this obnoxious thing?" I fumed.
"Whaddya MEAN people are superior to Pokémon? I can't use my moves anymore! I'm not even as strong as I used to be! Huh? HUH?"
Of course, it was just at that moment that Chikorita and Grovyle came back from the Pokémon section to see us acting like a pair of madwomen. Or toddlers throwing a temper tantrum, for that matter. "Uuuh…that IS you, right, Amy?" asked Grovyle.
We turned around and froze. There they were.
She responded, "Yeah! You never told me humans were supposed to stick Pokémon in those—those—!"
"AH! Grovyle! It—it's not what it looks like…" I stammered. "I mean, what were you guys doing?"
Chikorita responded, "It was AWESOME! There were all these Pokémon I've never ever seen before! There were all these jungles we could play in, places to battle, and food, food, FOOD! I loved it! What did you guys do? Did you get to read minds? Did ya?"
"Are you kidding me? I want to be a Jigglypuff again so I can prove that not all Pokémon deserve to be treated that way! I'll show them!"
I gulped. "Yeah, slight problem…I don't know if you can. That Omnitrix thingy fixed your genetic damage, so I don't know if it's possible to un-fix it—"
"I DON'T CARE! I WANT TO BE A JIGGLYPUFF AGAIN! NOW!"
A bright flash of pinkish light erupted from her, nearly blinding me, lasting for about a couple of seconds. When it faded away, I gasped. So did Chikorita and Grovyle.
"What?" she asked, before realizing they looked much taller than usual. She then looked down at herself and exclaimed, "Hey, it worked!" exhaling in relief.
"Aww…I wanted to do that too!" I complained. I then sighed, "There goes all my hard work…" After all, now no one will be able to see that cute outfit that I worked so hard to design anymore. The only thing that still showed was the red bow tied to her back, of course.
"See? I told you, Amy. You look better as a Jigglypuff," said Grovyle.
"Yeah, Amy, I'm more used to you this way," said Chikorita.
"Hey guys! You're forgetting something!" she said. She climbed up Grovyle and used his head as a springboard to bounce onto my head. "I'm still Big Amy!"
We laughed. She really did feel fluffy! Oh well. If she liked herself the way she was, that's fine with me! I mean, at least she could turn into a Jigglypuff again, but me? I was still stuck as myself. Well…I guess, when I really thought about it, I was better off appreciating the way I was. (Of course, I had longer hair, but overall, I didn't change much despite Kate's protests.)
One thing was for sure, though. Obnoxious instructors or no obnoxious instructors, I never wanted to do that again!
Coming up next: Well…that was completely worthless. Maybe I'll have better luck teaching my friends to Sweep the City! …But then again, maybe not. All I know is that someone's gotta do it to keep the city clean. Probably some invisible janitors. I dunno. Anyway, find out how the rest of our first day in Gaijin City went, and how we built our first secret base! I can't wait; I've loved secret bases ever since I made my own in Pokémon Ruby!