—Act 2: Chozo Wisdom—
Author's Note: I actually have no idea what Samus Aran's blood type really is. But for the purposes of this chapter, I'll assume it's A.
Chapter 17: Meanie-Butt Mayhem
Samus and Celebi slowly open their eyes, pushing themselves up off of the ground. They hear frantic voices, the beep of equipment, a hissing sound, and sighs of relief. They look around and find themselves in a vast chamber in the middle of a mountain, complete with mechanical equipment and a huge ring lining the wall vertically, reaching from the floor to the ceiling. It looks like a jump gate. They then see four enclosed blue pods that Samus recognizes are for cryogenic suspension. Finally, they notice the multitude of bird-like bipedal beings running around the place, but mostly crowded around the four pods.
Samus: Uuugh…Wh…Where are we?
Celebi: What are they…looking at…?
She flies up to take a closer look and gasps. Both Amy's (the Jigglypuff and the human), Chikorita, and Grovyle are in them! Samus also catches up and doesn't act as surprised.
Celebi (panicking): AAAH! Grovyle! Grovyle!
Samus: Alien girl. They're just in cryostasis pods. They'll be fine.
Random Chozo people: Are you okay?
What did you see?
Do you know these beings?
Celebi: Whoa whoa whoa! Time out, alien people! What the heck ARE you, anyway?
Old Bird: I believe I should explain.
The crowd respectfully becomes silent and parts to let the two elderly male Chozo through. Old Bird, who walks with a gnarled cane of some sort, is shorter and a little fatter, while his and best friend Gray Voice is taller and a little thinner. (I wonder how they would react if they ever met Zark and Zork…) They both clearly have way more wrinkles on their skin than the average Chozo, though, and speak in a formal way. When she sees them, Samus becomes stone-still in shock. She turns on her Scan Visor, thinking her eyes are fooling her.
Old Bird: We are the Chozo, who wish to bring peace and enlightenment throughout the galaxy. The X Parasites have infected your friends here, but the cryostasis pods are now freezing the parasites in place.
Gray Voice: Do not worry. They are still alive. We have saved them.
Samus (choking up): …Old Bird? Gray Voice?
Old Bird (shocked): …Samus Aran? Is that…really you?
For the first time ever in this story, Samus finally shows true emotion. She shuts her Power Suit off completely to prove that it's really her and leaps at them to hug them. Even in her Zero Suit, she still almost bowls them over. Celebi is just hovering in place, eyes twitching, and pointing a finger at Samus.
Celebi (completely flabbergasted): *—*—*—*—*—… (…She's a human too?)…* —*—*…
See, Celebi's trying to say something, but is too shocked to. In stark contrast, Samus can't stop the words from flowing out of her mouth, almost completely losing her composure.
Samus: Grandpa! Father! I can't believe it! You're here. You're really here. I don't get it. Father, didn't Mother Brain kill you back on Zebes? How'd you survive? How'd you escape and find Grandpa? And why are you guys here, anyway? I…I missed you…
Gray Voice: Calm down, child. We shall explain everything.
Celebi (completely confused): *—*—*—*—*—… ("Grandpa"? "Father"? Wha…? Am I missing something here?)… * —*—*…
Old Bird and Gray Voice lead Samus and Celebi to their home in the village outside, while the other Chozo push the four cryostasis pods after them. Samus and Celebi don't say anything at all. Even though their minds are bubbling with questions, they decide it's prudent to be respectful and observe the surroundings. After everything's been pushed into place in the main living room, the Chozo disperse to do whatever they were doing before. Finally, Old Bird and Gray Voice sit down, and start explaining.
Old Bird: So you see, Samus, Gray Voice and I were the only ones whom suspected something when you told us all that Mother Brain was working for the Space Pirates. True, we did not want to believe, especially since we relied on her for so long, remember?
Samus: Ugh! Don't remind me… (That stinker…no respect for life…always bossing me around…)
Gray Voice: But we prepared an escape pod just in case. Turns out you were correct. The day Mother Brain called in the Space Pirate raid, Old Bird and I boarded the shuttle out there.
He gestures to an orange ship outside the window. It almost looks like it could be Samus' original gunship.
Old Bird: So we decided to retreat here, where our ancestors originated. It's the safest place in the galaxy, and only us Chozo know where it is.
Celebi: Okay, so where the heck are we, anyway?
Gray Voice: And who might you be?
Celebi: I'm Celebi. I really hope you know what you're doing, 'cause if anything happens to dear Grovyle here, you're gonna get it.
Old Bird: Understood. Right. Anyway, to answer your question, this planet is hidden within the depths of the Oort Nebula, in the galaxy's outer rim. The nebula is surrounded by pieces of old dilapidated probes. No sonar or telescope can penetrate it. We are completely safe here. Samus Aran? Celebi? Welcome to Planet Chozodia.
He gestures to the whole village below them downhill. Samus and Celebi see Chozo villagers walking to and from buildings, talking, running errands, and in general, living in peace. There are a few other alien species of some sorts, but they decide not to ask about them for the moment. In general, the whole place looks like a Native American village welded with the natural environment from the outside, but inside the houses, there must be all sorts of technological wonders.
Samus and Celebi: Woooow…
Samus: So can you explain how and why Celebi and I were suddenly warped from Planet Portania to here?
Old Bird: Yes. That machine you saw in there was the Teleportation Warp Gate that our ancestors built in case anything like this were to happen. Luckily, it worked. We used it to transport the six of you here.
Celebi: But why us?
Old Bird: Not you, primarily. Her. This girl here…
He walks up to the capsule with the only human in it.
Old Bird: …holds the very fabric of this universe together.
Samus and Celebi just stare, and their jaws drop.
Samus: HER? Amy [you know who]?
Celebi: A human? Are you kidding me?
Gray Voice: Absolutely not. Our friend Kel-Zich, a Ylla who lives here, correctly identified her as such. Did you not notice the fabric of time and space collapsing all around you not long ago?
Celebi: I knew it! It WAS collapsing!
Samus: Because the X infected her? Why? What's so special—? Oh wait. Is it maybe because…she knows everything…?
Old Bird: Even Kel-Zich is still researching into the reason why that should be so. Nevertheless, we cannot awaken the girl until we find some serum to cure her, however long it takes. Perhaps for all time.
Samus: We need Metroid DNA to cure her, right? In that case, use mine!
She holds out her wrist and searches for some hidden flap in the Zero Suit that'll allow her to expose her skin, but Old Bird stops her.
Old Bird: No, child. Your blood type is A. Her blood type is B negative. It will only kill her.
Samus: Oh, right…W—well then, maybe the Pokémon—?
Gray Voice: The Pokémon don't have "blood". It cannot work for them at all.
Samus: So what can I do? Can't you just filter the Metroid DNA from my blood, and…and…?
Old Bird and Gray Voice (looking grave): …
Samus: Don't tell me…We need to find more Metroid DNA…?
Old Bird and Gray Voice: …
Samus (feeling guilty): …It's my fault, isn't it? The Federation hired me to kill all the Metroids in the universe, and the last Metroid died to protect me…and…Wait! There could be one last one on SR-388, where I crashed the BSL Research Station's Restricted Zone…or a serum on Planet Ceres that the Space Pirates overlooked!
Old Bird: Yes…So it is up to you. What will you do now? Will you go investigate?
Gray Voice: You do know the high possibility of failure. Will you still go?
Samus: …
Samus turns to look at the sleeping form of Amy [you know who]. Another guilty wave sweeps through her.
Samus: …if I don't…she'll have to sleep like this forever?
Old Bird: Until the day the galaxy ends.
Samus: … (I feel so bad. She was right. They were all right. If only I believed them…this never would've happened.) …I have no choice. I have to go. Even if my chances are next to nothing…I have to save them. No matter what.
Within the next few hours, the two Chozo fix up the ship in the backyard and adjust it to look like Samus' old gunship.
Old Bird: Remember this?
Samus: Yeah… (It feels just like the day I said goodbye to them…)
She takes the oddly silent black box, goes inside, and connects it to the computer inside. As it powers on…
Samus: Adam? You still alive in there?
Adam: *zzk*—Huh what? What just happened? HEY! Where the heck are we?
Samus (jaw agape): …You were asleep the whole time?
So of course she has to explain everything.
Adam: Cool. You got your old gunship back, so to speak. So now we're going back to SR-388 to find a sample of Metroid DNA from the BSL that we crashed?
Samus: Yeah.
Adam: I'll admit that the probability of finding any will be extremely unlikely…
Samus: …but I have to do it. For those kids. I never got to thank them. Never.
Adam sees how devastated Samus is and holds back any smart-alecky response he would've otherwise given.
Adam: …You're right. I know what you mean. Any objections, Lady?
She shakes her head.
Adam: Then let's go.
Samus turns her Power Suit back on and starts the ship up, waving goodbye to Old Bird, Gray Voice, and Celebi. She takes the ship out of the atmosphere of Planet Chozodia and sets a course for Planet SR-388.
They quickly encounter their first obstacle: total darkness from the outer nebula surrounding the system. Adam turns the ship lights on. Suddenly, they lurch out of hyperspace just in time to catch their next obstacle: A massive asteroid belt littered with mechanical garbage. Samus quickly switches to manual control.
Samus: Hold on!
Adam: Lady, there's no one on board anymore.
Samus: I KNOW! It was a figure of speech.
Adam: (Figure of speech, huh, Samus? I wonder if you meant more than that…)
She expertly dodges all of the obstacles, despite all the close calls. Finally, they make it through only to see the final obstacle: A black hole!
Samus: Activate hyperdrive NOW!
Adam: Aye-aye, Lady!
And they escape, just like that. Finally, Samus and Adam can relax as the ship travels to SR-388. None of them say anything throughout the whole trip. About 20 minutes later, the ship slows out of hyperspeed, and comes to a stop. They're right in front of Planet SR-388.
Adam: We're here. I'm assuming you've been here before, Lady?
Samus: Yeah. Twice. (Wow…I still remember it all…the first time to exterminate all the Metroids…and the second time, to provide field assistance to those researchers…and then the X infected me…)
Adam: So, Lady? Where do you want us to go?
Samus: Huh—what? Oh yeah. Scan the planet. We're looking for the place where I crashed the Restricted Zone, remember? Not the entire space station.
Adam: Oh yeah! I don't know what was more wild; that the Galactic Federation was breeding Metroids in secret in there, or that you actually had the temerity to break in and find out about it.
Samus (suddenly saddened): …Don't remind me. It's already been three weeks. We just have to hope that some Metroid DNA is still there.
Adam: Found it! Looks like a wreck, though.
Samus: Good. Let's go.
She takes the ship down to the place that Adam pinpointed. They land on flat ground, the safest place. They can see the crashed remains of the Restricted Zone strewn all over a mountaintop. Samus exits the ship through the top and takes in her surroundings of the rocky and spongy terrain.
Adam: Sorry I can't download a map for you, Lady.
Samus: No need. I'll search the wreckage.
She somersaults off the ship and starts running. The familiar eerie landscape gives her a sense of déjà vu and suddenly brings tears to her eyes.
Samus: (That's right…it was the Galactic Federation that deemed the Metroids too dangerous to exist, not me. But they still hired me to kill them all, because no one else could. And then…and then…that baby Metroid…) *sniff*…(I'm sorry, baby Metroid…you've protected me not once, but twice, even after Mother Brain killed you, and yet I…)
She blinks her tears away and focuses on the mission at hand.
Samus: (…I don't know if saving these people will ever make it up to you…but I will try. I promise you that. No matter what.)
She utilizes all the tools in her arsenal to climb to the top; Space Jumps for the main climbing, Grapple Beams to secure her position, Morph Ball to fit into tiny crevices, and her arsenal of Power Beams and Missiles to defeat the aggressive creatures along the way. She is not surprised to see that almost all of them have been infected by X Parasites already, and absorbs them all in midair, regaining energy and missiles.
Samus: (This can't be good. X Parasites aren't supposed be able to hang out around an area with Metroid DNA. Please say there's at least some left…)
Okay, so maybe she worries a little. She continues on, and finally reaches the top, where all of the wreckage is concentrated the most heavily. She turns on her scan visor and scans the wreckage all over, desperate.
Samus: (Please please please please please…)
The Scan Visor turns up empty in terms of Metroid DNA. All that comes up are crashed computer systems, diagrams of the Metroid development cycle, and other related junk. Suddenly, she hears a voice.
Zoroark: Huh. Queen X was right.
Samus suddenly sees Zoroark sitting casually upon a high rock formation, tossing two vials of green liquid up and down. She shoots a ton of ice beams at the guy, but he leaps up, dodging it, and lands in front of her.
Samus: YOU! You're still alive?
Zoroark: Excuse me? For your information, my name's not "you". It's "Zoroark."
Samus (almost shocked): Zoroark?
She shoots Super Missiles this time, but he uses Shadow Force to dodge it and retaliate with a savage slash of dark energy, knocking her down.
Samus: You—you were the one who fired me! You locked the real Commander Tierney up behind his office, didn't you?
Zoroark: Very good.
He morphs into Commander Tierney for a moment.
Zoroark: Well, well, well. Looks like my act is up. You know, Samus Aran, you're smarter than I thought.
She tries to kick him from below to trip him, but he simply morphs back and attacks her again, this time a huge Dark Pulse launching her into the air and smashing her into the rock formation.
Zoroark: Unfortunately for you, you're too late. Well? How does it feel to be personally responsible for hurting three innocent little girls and their Grovyle friend?
Samus turns on her Scan Visor and finds that the vials contain an immensely concentrated amount of Metroid DNA! She shoots her Grapple Beam at it, but he pulls it out of the way in time.
Zoroark: Whoops! Close one. Almost forgot about these little buggers.
Samus (paleing): Huh…?
Zoroark: That's right. I know about how Metroids eat X Parasites. I'd gladly give this to you, *cough cough*…but I'm under Queen X's strict orders to dispose of anything that might threaten her. I assume you need this to save your little friends?
Samus (practically exploding in anger): What's it to YOU?
She tries one more time, but Zoroark morphs into Palkia and rises into the air.
Zoroark (mocking): CAREFUL. I JUST…MIGHT…BREAK IT BY… "ACCIDENT". JUST TRY TO CATCH ME, SAMUS ARAN! I DARE YOU.
He envelops himself in a ball of yellow light and flies off into the sky. Samus screams in agony and frustration.
Samus: AAAGH! (Why can't I ever…even…leave a scratch on that guy? Why does this keep happening to me?)
She somersaults down the mountain as fast as she can and lands on the ship, entering it and immediately manning the controls. She's desperate, furious, and really really flustered.
Samus: ADAM! We have to go, NOW!
Adam: On it, Lady! I saw what happened. I swear, I will personally shoot down that sadist myself…
They drive the ship out of SR-388's gravity and chase the yellow orb that is Zoroark. Unfortunately, they lose him, though they find that he was headed in the general direction of Planet Ceres.
Adam: Screw it…He got away.
Samus: There's only one hope then. We have to go to where the lab was and see if they have any more cell cultures of Metroids. Come on. Next time I see him, I'll shoot him down too.
They land right outside the wrecked remains of the Ceres Space Colony's lab, clearly blasted apart by an earlier self-destruct blast. Samus leaves the ship and scans the place, but again, no results. Suddenly a voice emits from another high platform…
Zark: Yo! Sa-moose!
She shoots at Zark and Zork, Teh Pirates Who Don't Do Nothin'. They casually turn on their reflector shields (clearly swiped from the Star Fox games) and reflect the blast back at her, knocking her down again. They then start laughing.
Zork: OMG! U r like teh n00biest haz-been-famous-but-now-n00bish n00b of all time! How could u fall 4 teh same trick 3 timez in a row?
Zark: Wii knew u were no l33t bounty hunter no more!
Samus: Wh…what are you punks doing here?
Zork: Oh, right! Be4 Wii 4get, Wii…uh…Whut wuz dat line again, Zark?
Zark: U dooshebag. It wuz dis: "Lookin' 4 dis?" Dere! Wii sed it! Wanna heer it again? OK! Lookin' 4 dis?
Zork follows Zark's lead and juggles another vial of green liquid—Metroid DNA. Samus gasps. Upon hearing that, the meanie-butts grin nastily.
Zark: 2 bad 4 u. Why don't u go 2 yer l33t homies 4 help? Oh, right! Wii 4got. U don't have no homies, Sa-moose! U pwned dem!
Zork: It takes 1 n00b 2 pwn 4 n00bs, heh? Good 4 u, Sa-moose!
Samus: QUIT CALLING ME THAT!
This time, she leaps right at them, smacking them both with a Screw Attack. Looks like their shields weren't prepared for that move. She reaches out for the vials, but to her chagrin, they both drop. Neither of them break, but she can't reach for them both at once, and the meanie-butts take advantage of that fact to scoop them up and activate their jet-packs.
Zark: Wii'll say hi 2 Mr. Boss-Man 4 u, Sa-moose! LOL!
Zork: C ya l8er, Sa-moose! TTFN! LOLOLOLOLOL!
They snigger and launch nasty Space Pirate spitballs at her as they fly into the air. Samus races back to Adam, and they give chase. Right when they're about to catch up…Zoroark, as Palkia, swoops down and snatches the meanie-butts up!
Zoroark: YOINK!
Samus and Adam: Wha…!
Zark: Right on time, Boss-Man!
Zork: Yeh, yeh! U r so l33t!
Zark: Hey, I just got a gr8 idea! Let's play catch!
The meanie-butts and Zoroark start throwing the four capsules between each other, always over the ship.
Zork: Yeh! Catch it, bro!
Zark: Now u catch it, Zork!
Zoroark: GIVE ME A TURN TOO, BOYS!
Samus and Adam: *GAAAR!*
It's so frustrating! These are the last vials of Metroid DNA in the universe, and here are these meanie-butts, treating it like it's all some kind of game. No matter how many laser cannons Samus and Adam shoot at them, they dodge every single one, and Zoroark-Palkia's space distortion shields block the ones that actually do hit. It truly is meanie-butt mayhem.
Zark: Whoa-ho! Dere's our ride!
Zoroark: THIS IS WHERE THE FUN BEGINS. HEH HEH HEH…
Samus and Adam chase them to a huge Space Pirate ship, the same one that ambushed them at the Axiatomic Link. They all land, and Samus gives chase, following the three of them into the ship. Of course, Zoroark morphs back into his original form as he enters the ship. Samus blasts open the door and…a Greater AND a Lesser Ithrak jump down from the ceiling and land on her face!
Samus: AAAAAGH!
Zoroark, Zark and Zork: LOLOLOL! Pwned!
Quickly remembering that their weak points were their tails, she turns into Morph Ball and rolls behind them, planting Power Bombs in their weak spots. She reverts to normal form and continues to run after the meanie-butts. Her Speed Booster activates just as the Power Bombs explode, allowing her to escape the rush of the vacuum the bombs create by blowing up the wall, too.
Zork: So dat Speed Booster of her's finally works, huh?
Zark: Shut yer trap, Zork! Wii r so screwed!
Zoroark: No we're not. I've been expecting this.
Samus is approaching them at speeds of Mach 4, using such skills as the Shinespark that are familiar to Metroid fans. She climbs through the ship, blasting through Space Pirates and other creatures on board. Right when she reaches them, Zoroark throws himself in front of her and morphs into…a titanium-reinforced brick-wall-type alien.
SFX: WHAM!
Zark and Zork: *pffft*… Total pwnage! ROFL LMAO LOLOLOL!
Samus: Oooow…
Zoroark (really weird accent): Iz not ovah yet! TIM-BAAAAAHHH!
Samus: Wha—wha—!
He's shouting "TIMBER!" and falls flat on Samus, squishing her. He then morphs back into his original form, doubling over in laughter. Samus can't say a thing and just lies there, head spinning. Her health is dangerously low, and there are warning bleeps her suit is making.
Suit computer: Warning! Warning! Low energy. Shutdown imminent. Shutdown imminent!
Zoroark: Boys? She's all yours.
To make matters worse, it's not just Zark and Zork. Every single Space Pirate in the area converges and starts shooting at her!
Samus (in total agony): AAAAAAAH!
Suit computer: Function ceased. Shutting down.
They stop shooting as the suit emits a bright yellow light that temporarily blinds everyone in the hallway. When the light clears, they see the Power Suit isn't there anymore. Samus blinks her eyes open and doesn't see any visor symbols anymore. She brings a blue-gloved hand to her face and groans.
Samus: (What else could go wrong now?)
Zark: *pfft*…Haxored! Haxored haxored haxored haxored—
Zork and Zoroark: Haxored haxored haxored haxored—
All the Space Pirates can't control their laughter. Zero Suit form already? They just can't believe their luck. All that laughter just fills Samus with anger. She activates her laser whip.
Samus (wrathful): Shut up…shut up, you dirtbags! I'll KILL YOU!
Zark (sarcastic): Oooh…Wii scared!
Zork: Skedaddling time! TTFN! (Dis iz fun!)
Zork, Zark, and Zoroark resume their flight through the ship, shoving Space Pirates out of the way, sniggering like crazy. Samus dashes after them, shredding through the enemies in the way with her laser whip. She might be even more athletic without her suit, but she can't access the Speed Booster anymore, and so she can never catch up with them. Finally, when the three of them are about to reach the control room, they shove one more surprise her way.
Sylux: I HAVE FOUND YOU AT LAST!
Samus (at her wit's end): Not…you…again!
He shoots from his Shock Coil again, which Samus leaps over and jabs at him with the laser whip. He crumples instantly. With him done for, she barges into the last door and confronts the meanie-butts over the command bridge. She steps toward them, charging up her laser whip.
Zoroark: Well, well, well. Dead end. What do you know?
Samus (gritting her teeth): Give…them…BACK.
Zoroark: Sorry to say. We're under strict orders. We can't. I bet you'd like to know how we survived that Power Bomb you threw at us, though. This.
He pulls a vial full of pink liquid that was sitting on the command module. Samus gasps.
Zoroark: Made from the bodily fluids of your little know-it-all friend, Amy [you know who]. It has the ability to restore us back to life anytime we want, so even if you blow up this ship of ours, we'll still survive. Now that we know what it's made out of, we don't need her alive anymore.
Zark: Don't move no closer! Wii can crush these in, like .00000015 seconds.
Zork: Give up alredi. U got no more Power Suit. Wii out# u 3-2-1! U got nowhere 2 run or hide.
Zoroark: You never should've survived that attack on K-2L. You never should've disobeyed Mother Brain and tried to stop the Space Pirates. You never should've become a bounty hunter at all!
Samus (stepping back in shock): How—how did you know—?
Queen X: Because…I am you.
Everyone in the room: *gasp*! The grand mistress!
They all bow, and Samus looks behind her to see, on the computer monitor over the windows, another Samus. This Samus has a Power Suit on, and looks shockingly familiar.
Samus (blanching): SA-X?
Queen X: I know everything about you too, Samus Aran. Yes, you know who I am. I am Queen X, or as you'd call me, the SA-X. I know how you tried so hard to protect that baby Metroid, and you failed. You're destined to fail here too. Face it. You could never save anyone—these Metroids, Team Pecha, Grovyle…and especially not that accursed Amy [you know who]! At this point, you have two options. Either let us kill you, quickly and painlessly…or my loyal servants will smash these bottles and lock you in the dungeon with your misery forever! Make your choice.
The video transmission ends. Samus can't speak at all. She desperately looks all around, from Zoroark and the meanie-butts to the Space Pirates operating the controls below, to the ones outside the door, watching with giddy anticipation, and back to Zoroark.
Samus: (She's right. She's completely right. I practically died the day the baby Metroid did. Can I live with that pain again? Can I? Should I? I would be a disgrace to the Galactic Federation if I let these creeps execute me…but at the same time…is it even worth it…to live with such misery for the rest of my life?)
She falls to her knees, dropping the laser whip to the ground with a loud clang. Zoroark smiles. He places the Metroid DNA capsules down and strides up to her, sharpening his claws and generating a long blade out of dark energy.
Samus: …
Her eyes squeeze shut in shame as she lowers her head. No more words need to be spoken; he already knows via her body language. He places the dark blade on her shoulder and angles it like a guillotine.
Zark and Zork (jaws dropping in disbelief): (No way. No friggin' way.)
Everyone else (chanting): Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Zoroark: Muahahahaha…You chose well, Samus Aran. Right here, right now, we are going to decapitate you, bring your head to our grand mistress, and rid the galaxy of your meddling presence…for all time!
He raises the blade, charges it up, and has one more word before he brings it down.
Zoroark: Now you know why evil always wins. Because good is a dumb blonde!
Several things happen at once. Everyone in the room starts laughing. Right when he brings it down, she tries to trip him with a sweep kick, and this time, it works. Everyone is stunned.
Samus: What? You think I've never heard THAT before?
She uses the opportunity to launch her laser whip at the four green Metroid DNA bottles as well as the pink one they're surrounding. It wraps around, and she yanks them in.
Zark and Zork: Hey!
They charge. She runs up to them, dodges their lasers, jumps, and does a split kick on both of them. Since their reflector shields don't work on physical moves, they get launched on opposite walls of the command bridge room. She reaches the console and turns to face the crowd of stunned Space Pirates, furiously pressing buttons behind her. Zoroark tries to attack, but then realizes that Samus is gripping the precious pink vial and has to stop in place.
Samus: Now let me tell you guys something! It's true that I couldn't protect that baby Metroid…it's true that it tore me apart…but my friends, especially that Amy [you know who], taught me something even more important. For years, I've avoided closeness. For years, I've avoided the pain. But I just realized that in the end, I'd rather have loved and lost than never have loved at all!
Zoroark (nervous): C—careful with that…
The meanie-butts notice something is up, but they can't see what Samus is doing behind her back.
Zark (whispering): Uh…dude?
Zork: Yeh?
Zark: Whut's she doin'?
Samus: It IS worth it to have friends! It IS worth it to have someone to fight for! I don't care what you or any other lousy X Parasite says. You can take everything from me and humiliate me over and over again, but no matter what, I'm going to do whatever it takes to save them all! No…matter…what!
She pounds the final button in the sequence behind her.
Ship's computer voice: Self-destruct sequence activated. 60 seconds to self-destruct.
Random Space Pirate (flabbergasted): Only 60 seconds?
Zoroark: Well what are you all just standing there for? STOP HER!
Only a few Space Pirates actually shoot at her, though. The rest are panicking, trying to run to their escape pods. Samus easily dodges them all and sprints at a breakneck pace, leaping over a fainted Sylux. She desperately dashes through the ship, silently admonishing herself for forgetting that she can no longer access the Speed Booster. Those five canisters she's holding don't make life any easier, and neither does the ship itself, which is by now shaking and blowing out random sections. Luckily, she finds a blown-out elevator shaft and leaps down it.
Samus: (You'd better be there, Adam! You'd better be there!)
She lands on her feet perfectly, but the impact is still pretty painful. Ouch. Luckily, all she has to do is run down a few more corridors, and there's her ship, thankfully now in a hangar with oxygen in it. She somersaults onto the ship and enters.
Samus: Adam! Planet Chozodia! Get us out of here now!
Adam: On it. (Why does every mission with her have to end up like this…?)
Samus shoves the vials in a safe containment valve and grips the controls, steering the ship away from the exploding Space Pirate vessel. Meanwhile, the Space Pirates at the bridge have no reason to worry.
Zoroark: Thinks she's so clever, huh? Too bad she doesn't know that we have…a cancellation button! (Muahahahaha!)
Imaginary SFX: Dun dun da!
He opens the secret hatch on a secret console, only to find that there's a tag next to the button that says…you guessed it. "Out of order."
Zoroark (completely stunned): … … …..
Random Commander: "Out of order"? [F?#*!#%]! Even in teh future, nothin' works!
Zoroark: Doesn't matter. We still have that girl's resurrection bodily fluid in a jar—
He looks at where he placed them. They're all gone. The two meanie-butts finally recover.
Random Commander: As u were sayin'…?
Zoroark: … … …I now officially hate that woman.
Zark: She stole it, didn't she?
Zork: Now r Wii screwed?
Zoroark: …Yeah. We're screwed.
Ship's computer voice: 5 seconds to self-destruct.
Zoroark: CURSE YOU, SAMUS ARAN! CUUUURSE YOOOOOOOOOUU!
Samus and Adam enter hyperspace just as the Space Pirate vessel completely explodes. Let's hope that this time the meanie-butts really are done for. Too bad they aren't laughing this time. No wait, they actually are. Told you they would die laughing.
Samus and Adam successfully avoid the black hole, navigate through the asteroid belt, and find their way back to Planet Chozodia. They land right outside the village. She leaps out and waves the canisters in the air, jumping for joy.
Samus: I got it! I got it I got it I got it!
Old Bird: Excellent work, Samus! Bring them here, immediately!
In the house, Old Bird and Gray Voice quickly inject each of the serums in Amy [you know who], Amy Vee Purima, Chikorita, and Grovyle, respectively.
Celebi: So this is gonna save Grovyle?
Samus: Not just him, all of them. Guaranteed. I'm living proof.
Celebi: YAAAAY! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!
Samus doesn't know how long Celebi's going to keep repeating herself, but as she watches, on the medical monitors, the X Parasites completely vanishing from their central nervous systems, she lets out a sigh of relief, as if a 2000-ton weight has just been removed from her shoulders.
Gray Voice: Vitals are stable. Complete success. We shall awaken them from cryogenic suspension now.
Celebi: "Cry-o-jen-ic sus-PEN-shin" is kinda hard to say, don't ya think?
Samus: You can also call it "cold sleep", you know.
Celebi: "Cold sleep", huh? Now that's easier!
Samus leans back on the sofa and thinks over everything that's happened.
Samus: (…All of that mayhem, just for those Metroid vaccines? But still, no matter how insane it was…it was all worth it. I'm finally going to get to apologize to them. And I promise that I'll never make the same mistake again. Because…Amy [you know who]…you were right. You were right all along. Now I know what it means to finally be a true friend.)
The pods hum to life, thawing the four occupants. When it's complete, the pod covers pop up, and steam pours out. Slowly, one by one…they open their eyes.
To be continued…
Coming up next: I'm back! I'm back! I'm finally back! Hope I didn't give you all a heart attack thinking I actually killed myself off. I mean, come on! Would I really do that? Ahem. Anyway, while I may be excited beyond belief to finally see some actual Chozo people…I think Grovyle still wants to kill me. Can I escape? Can I convince him to spare me? Will I survive one of my worst fears ever, being trapped out in the wilderness…on A Dark and Stormy Night?