Gandrayda: Yo, wassup? You all out there can call me Her Royal Awesome Highness Her Majesty Gandrayda Aramaiya Tsu'phonia Bkashlar the Number One Bounty Hunter of the Galactic Federation Now That They Fired Sammy For Me the First, Last, Best, and Only…Ph.D., M.D., B.A., and B.S., All in the Art of Stealth, Combat, and Everything. (And that's just the short version! BELIEVE IT!)
Celebi: Hi! My name is…Celebi…the…uh… (Aww, man! Why can't my name be as long as Gandrayda's?)
Gandrayda and Celebi: And we are going to teach you…*gasp*…
Chapter 22: How to Be Puffball
Lesson 1: A true puffball knows how to move like one!
Amy and I are on the ground, looking back and forth from the mirror attached to the side of the house to each other. We look down at our hands. Then, in a classic Pokémon Mystery Dungeon moment, we freak out. Gandrayda, turning into a green two-headed alien named Swapper yet again, is laughing uncontrollably on the ground. Even Celebi has momentarily stopped hovering since she's laughing so much.
Amy and Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Gandrayda! This isn't funny!
Gandrayda (in that odd double-voice): Yes it is!
Amy: How'd you do this to us? Turn us back! Now!
Gandrayda: No way.
She then morphs back into her original purple gelatin-humanoid form, towering over me. She bends down and smirks at us.
Gandrayda: You never know what Queen X can do. She could pull anything on you guys. Like this.
Celebi: And it works, too! Big Amy is Big Amy, and Little Amy is Little Amy!
Gandrayda: Besides, this is a chance for you to test out everything you've learned, right…Big Amy? *pfft*
Amy: Uh…yeah…?
Both Gandrayda and Celebi burst out in laughter.
Me (getting suspicious): (Wait a second…this isn't just so that they can laugh at us too, now, is it…?)
We both try to move. Amy (in MY original body, now!) is really wobbly, especially since she's not used to being a human that's 5'5" tall as opposed to 4'3". Meanwhile, I just look up at her, Gandrayda, and Celebi.
Amy: Hey…this isn't too bad!
Me: Speak for yourself. Why is everyone so freakin' high up? GAH!
Amy: Why don't you try jumping on my head? That helped me.
Me: Okay…
She bends down (and falls in the process, but I catch her), and lets me jump on her head. Good thing I had such long hair that I could grab to clamber up there. She then stands up—and the speed and resulting height from the ground makes me feel dizzy, like it's a roller coaster! I hold tight for dear life.
Me: AAUUAAGH! B—Big Amy?
Amy: Yeah?
Me (teeth chattering): Don't…move…whatever you do…
Gandrayda and Celebi: Hi-YAH!
They kick us! We fall down onto the ground, hard.
Amy: OOOW! Ow, ow, ow! Guys, what was that for?
Me: Hey…that didn't hurt as much as I thought it would! What is this? Rock?
They finally can't take it and burst out laughing again.
Me (running out of patience): Hey, guys? That's really starting to get annoying, you know that?
Amy (starting to cry): Wh—why are you being so MEAN?
Me: I know, right? Are you trying to be like those meanie-butts?
Gandrayda (sarcastically): Which ones?
Amy: Team Skull!
Me: Zark and Zork!
Amy and Me: All of them!
Gandrayda and Celebi: …
Long silence. A sly grin creeps onto Gandrayda's face, while Celebi just floats there, confused.
Me (blanching): (Aw, great…don't tell me…)
Celebi (whispering in Gandrayda's ear): …Uh, who are they, again?
Gandrayda: Teh Pirates Who Don't Do Nothin'. I know 'em really well. Lemme show ya.
She morphs into the tall, thin Zark, freaking us out.
Gandrayda (as Zark): Whoa-ho! I'm Zark! Lookit dem n00bs! C? Dis is how u speek like dem.
Celebi: Really? Lemme try!
She can't turn into Zork, obviously, so she instead tries to imitate their chatspeak vocal style. But…
Celebi: "Whut in tarnation are them thar folk's doin'?" Hey! How come dis ain't workin' out right?
Just then, Master Kel-Zich exits from the house and sees us.
Me: Master Kel-Zich! It's me, Amy [you know who]! Just don't freak out, okay? Our bodies got switched.
Master Kel-Zich: That is nice. Well! Why are you not dashing out to see your friend Kirby?
Amy and Me: HUH?
Master Kel-Zich: You would be halfway across the village by now, would you not? As for you, Amy [you know who], come inside. You too, Gandrayda and Celebi. We shall discuss her next task.
Amy: No, no, wait! I'm Amy Vee Purima! She's Amy [you know who]!
Me: (What the heck is going on in here?)
Master Kel-Zich: My goodness! It is not like you to play jokes like this. Very well. Oh, and by the way, you do not have to worry. Here he comes!
Kirby: Amy!
Here comes the little blue puffball on the Winged Star…coming right towards me!
Me: Whoa whoa whoa! Hang on, Kirby! That is Big Amy! I am Little Amy, see?
Kirby: Eh?
Amy: She's right! Don't you recognize me, Kirby? It's me, Big Amy!
She jumps on the Slick Star expertly, but it doesn't take long for her to suddenly lose her balance and fall off. Kirby stares at us back and forth.
Kirby: Uh…no you're not. You're twying to be funny, wight?
Then he turns to me and pushes me onto the Slick Star.
Me: Whoa, wait! Hold on! I'm not supposed to—!
I speed down the streets of the village on an almost-uncontrollable Slick Star, while Kirby speeds behind after me.
Me: WAAAAAAAAGH! (Why'd I ever say I wanted to ride an Air Ride Machine?)
Lesson 2: Speaking of which…A true puffball knows how to ride an Air Ride Machine!
Kirby quickly catches up to me.
Me: H—hey, Kirby? How to I charge up a boost?
Kirby: I thought I towd you! Scwuch yoursewf down!
Me: Like this?
To my surprise, I can flatten myself down just like Kirby. It's an odd, ticklish feeling. The Slick Star starts charging up a boost. Unfortunately, it's not really slowing down, so I aim myself in a random direction and pop back up. The boost propels me in that new direction.
Me: (Yes!) WOOHOO! (This is more fun than I thought I'd be! Guess all that Kirby Air Ride training really helps.) Hey, Kirby? Where exactly are we going?
Kirby: To the wacetwack! We're gonna wace again!
Me: (Uh-oh. I've never raced in my life!)
Los-Nom and Plu-Thrim are on higher ground, stringing up the starting lights. Grovyle is next to a Jet Star and Chikorita is next to a Warp Star. I realize that the racetrack is very similar to the track I've always run on in the mornings for five miles straight. Wait...it IS right next to the running track!
Me: Grovyle! Chikorita! It's me, Little Amy! Gandrayda switched our—LOOK OUT!
I jump off the Slick Star, and Grovyle and Chikorita dodge just in time. It flies right into the wall, ricochets off, and smacks into my face.
Me: Ooooww…
Chikorita: Wait. Did you say…you are Little Amy?
Me: Uh, yeah?
Grovyle: Impossible. You have got to be kidding me.
Me: I'm not! Gandrayda switched us, but Master Kel-Zich doesn't know at all! I mean, I'll admit that being a Jigglypuff wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be, but…everything's so freakin' high up now, and these Air Riding Machines are insane! Speaking of which…why are you guys learning how to ride Air Ride Machines, anyway?
Chikorita: Masters Los-Nom and Plu-Thrim thought it'd be a good idea for us.
She points up to where they are. Los-Nom is off to the side, using his tentacles to fiddle around with some device we can't see, while Plu-Thrim hangs above us, locking the lights into position.
Los-Nom: Children? Are you ready?
Kirby: YEAH!
Chikorita and Grovyle: Huh? Oh yeah, ready!
Me: Huh?
Plu-Thrim: Hop on your Slick Star, Big Amy.
Me: But I'm not—!
Plu-Thrim: I said, HOP ON!
Me: Okay, okay!
What choice do I have? I jump onto the Slick Star. Oddly enough, it doesn't move. Then I realize that some odd mechanism underneath is pulling the machines into position. I'm on the left, Kirby's to my right, and Chikorita and Grovyle are even farther right. I look at them in confusion. They shrug.
Plu-Thrim: On my count, ready? Three, two, one, GO!
Me: (Aw, snaaaaaap!)
Weeell…that actually wasn't too bad! (I got last place.) In the next race, I followed everything that Big Amy told me that she did (I got last place.), and in the race after that, I never fell off even once! (I still got last place again, and as you can imagine, I was about at the end of my rope by then.)
Lesson 3: A true puffball can float around in the air.
After all of that, Kirby bounces off the Winged Star.
Kirby: Amy, let's pway! Let's pway!
Me (insanely frustrated): Pway—*Ack!* *Blbbpt*—I mean, play what? (GAH! Now he's making me speak like Tweety from—Wait, everyone knows that he's from Looney Tunes!)
Chikorita and Grovyle stifle laughter, but I ignore them. Kirby puffs himself up and flies high into the sky. I try jumping, but to no avail. I can't jump higher than one foot off the ground!
Me: Hey! Kirby! WAIT UP!
Chikorita: Can't you do that like him?
Me: Huh? Well…maybe…
I take a deep breath, jump…and start floating!
Grovyle: You're doing it! You're doing it!
Me: Mmm-hmm! (Aargh. I can't talk like this! How am I supposed to go higher?)
So I try to take in more air…but I end up releasing all of the air I've already built up. I fall to the ground. Luckily, it doesn't hurt.
Chikorita: Maybe you're breathing in too much?
Grovyle: Yeah, try smaller breaths or something.
Me: Oh yeah… (You're right…)
And it's working! I rise higher and higher into the air, and soon, I catch up with Kirby. He then starts lowering towards a maze of really small tunnels. I look down, realize how high up I am…and accidentally release my breath!
Me: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Kirby: Amy! Waaaaaiit uuuup!
Yeah, he released his breath too. We fall and bonk someone on the head before landing on the ground.
Kirby, Samus, and me: Oooww…
Me (looking up): Samus? What are you doing here?
Samus: Well, what do you think?
She gestures to the tracks, and as she does, I realize that she's in her Power Suit again. I groan.
Lesson 4: A true puffball can squeeze into tiny spaces and move around like Samus' Morph Ball.
Samus: Glad you guys are here. (There'd better be a good reason why Old Bird and Gray Voice ordered me to stop playing that DS and help you guys with this stuff.)
Me: Are we going to learn how to move through Morph Ball tunnels?
Samus: You catch on fast, Big Amy. But I thought that back on the Axiatomic Link—
Me: I'm not Big Amy. I'm Little Amy.
Samus (pauses): Say wha…?
Kirby: She's kidding! She's kidding! Aha, ahahahaha!
Me: WHAT? No, it's true! Gandrayda—
Samus: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So anyway, just follow my lead.
Me (angrily): (GAH! What is UP with everyone today?)
She curls up into Morph Ball form and rolls through the tracks. I crawl in after her. After about 30 minutes of crawling, climbing, and Samus coaxing me into assuming the Rollout position (which I personally hate since I can't see where the heck I'm going), she rolls out of the maze, reverts back to normal, and presses a few buttons on the monitor.
Samus: (Did she really retrogress that badly? I wonder what's going on in here…) Good. Now time for a test. I want you to grab that Energy Tank at the end and bring it back within 10 minutes. Kirby, you're allowed to help.
Kirby: Yay!
I stare where she's pointing; an alcove with a glowing Energy Tank tucked high into the cliff at the end of the maze. The maze comes to life, complete with steam vents, elevators, even walls that push in and out. I gulp.
Samus: You ready, Amy?
Me: Uh…y—yeah…?
Samus: GO!
So I run. I crawl as fast as I can, with Kirby after me. I time my crawls to avoid being blasted out by the vents, and I climb the Spider Ball tracks without looking down. During the sections with whole walls that move forward and back, I tuck myself in and roll across as fast as I can, terrified that I'd fall. I wasn't sure how much time was left when I clamber onto the alcove and grab the Energy Tank, but somewhere on the way back, I slip and fall down.
Me: AAAH—!
Right then, I feel a suction force. Kirby sucks me and the Energy Tank up! I can't see a thing in his mouth.
Me: Thanks, Kirby! Now GET ME OUTTA HERE!
He shoots me down the tunnels, where I roll uncontrollably faster and faster. As I roll, I notice an odd sensation. Before I know it, I instinctively find my way back to the start and roll across it with the Energy Tank. I look at the clock. 25 seconds to spare.
Samus (stunned): …Whoa. I thought you couldn't see where you were going.
Me: I can't.
Samus: But then how…how did you cover that amount of distance in only 35 seconds when it took you 7 full minutes to get there?
Me: I dunno. Call me crazy, but…I think I'm actually starting to be able to sense where the tunnels are. Without my eyes.
Samus (pauses, then smiles): …Well, guess what, kid. Good job. In Space Warrior training, that's the most important sense you'll ever learn.
At this point, Kirby finally crawls out and runs up to me. He presses a button on some CD player-like record he's been keeping somewhere on him, and it plays a tune I'm all-too-familiar with from every single Kirby game I've ever played.
Lesson 5: A true puffball knows how to do…drumroll, please…the Kirby Dance!
Surprisingly enough, this is the easiest lesson ever.
Gandrayda: Now if you follow all of these lessons…
Celebi: …it should look a little something like this:
That evening, Kirby and I race to the crystal in the center of the village on our Air Ride Machines. We both don't want to miss it. All the Chozo are there as usual, but Big Amy (in MY body), Chikorita, and Grovyle see us first.
Amy: Look! It's Little Amy and Kirby!
Me (whispering to Kirby): What should we do?
Kirby: Fowwow me.
Me: Okay…
He jumps and holds his breath, floating over the awestruck crowd. I follow suit, though the Slick Star crashes into the Winged Star and skids so much that Grovyle has to attack them both to prevent them from crashing into the crowd. We gracefully land right in front of the crystal. Kirby starts playing the tune of his official dance with that record player he has. We dance, and after the full 30 seconds have passed, we finish it with a perfect ending pose. Everyone cheers.
Master Kel-Zich: Very good! Very good! You two have performed wonderfully. And I must congratulate you too, Amy [you know who], for adapting so quickly and expertly into being a Jigglypuff.
Everyone: HUH?
Me: Wait—wait—you knew Big Amy and I were switched the WHOLE TIME?
Amy: Why didn't you tell us?
Master Kel-Zich: Because. This was all a test.
Amy and me: A TEST?
Master Kel-Zich: Correct. It is true; we wanted to test your abilities to function optimally in a completely different body. But we also wanted you to develop the most important sense in becoming a Space Warrior…Your ability to sense the aura around you without your eyes.
Me: Like when I could tell where the walls were without even looking at them?
Amy: Oh yeah! I can do that already!
Samus (realizing the truth): So that's why…!
Master Kel-Zich: It is still important. Soon enough, with time, you will all learn that there is more to life than what you see with your eyes. Furthermore, you also needed to learn how to handle situations in which only you know the truth. You cannot expect that everyone you meet will understand or even believe your predicament. If you insist on such things, you will never truly be happy.
Grovyle: I understand. It happened to me too. Remember? With the Wanted Posters?
Amy and me (thinking back): Oh yeeeeeaaaaah…
Master Kel-Zich: But now you also understand what it is like to walk a mile in another's shoes, and because you're personalities are so similar, not many can believe when you switch bodies. But enough about that. How do you two like it?
Amy: It's not that different from when Celebi turns me into a human! Now it's really easy.
Me: Wait, so Celebi can turn ME into a—?
Celebi: Ala-kablooie!
What do you know? She did. I am now 4'3", with green eyes and pink hair, wearing the outfit I had specially designed. Everyone's quiet. I look around at everyone.
Me: Hey…Everyone isn't quite as high up as they used to be!
They all break down in laughter, including me. Finally, we recover.
Me: You know, Master Kel-Zich…I actually think I'd be just fine if I were to stay in this body for the next few weeks of training. What do you think, Big Amy? I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it, since I'm Little Amy and all?
Amy (thinks it over, then smiles): …I think that's a great idea.
We hug.
Everyone else: Awwww! (That's so sweet!)
Just my luck.
I guess I should've realized it when the crowd stopped "Aww"-ing at us. One moment, I was the shorter of the two; the next, I was taller. I opened my eyes and stepped back, looking at myself again.
"Uh…Big Amy?"
"Yeah?"
"Why am I taller than you all of a sudden?"
We looked around. Everyone was stunned. But their eyes were focused on someone next to us. It was the two-headed little green alien.
"Gandrayda! Why?" I groaned. She giggled and turned back into her old self. Celebi flew up to her and announced, "It's done!" while grinning in odd triumph.
"Excellent," she replied.
"What? What's going on?" asked Big Amy.
Gandrayda and Celebi stepped in front of the giant crystal. Celebi held an odd hologram projector device in the shape of a CD, while Gandrayda announced, "Celebi and I have got a little something to show you."
"Oh, really? Show us, Gandrayda," encouraged Master Kel-Zich. Old Bird and Gray Voice nodded in encouragement.
Celebi pressed a button on the device, projecting an image into the crystal, which then refracted it into the sky. It was a video of the two of them standing in front of Master Kel-Zich's house. Our house. The Gandradyda and Celebi on the video introduced themselves.
"Yo, wassup? You all out there can call me Her Royal Awesome Highness Her Majesty Gandrayda Aramaiya Tsu'phonia Bkashlar the Number One Bounty Hunter of the Galactic Federation Now That They Fired Sammy For Me the First, Last, Best, and Only…Ph.D., M.D., B.A., and B.S., All in the Art of Stealth, Combat, and Everything. (And that's just the short version! BELIEVE IT!)"
"Hi! My name is…Celebi…the…uh… (Aw, man! Why can't my name be as long as Gandrayda's?)"
"And we are going to teach you…*gasp*…How to Be Puffball." The title materialized in big bold pink letters on the screen. In English, of course.
"Lesson 1: A true puffball knows how to move like one!"
The next image made Big Amy and me gasp in astonishment and outrage. It was us, and Gandrayda was switching us as Swapper! In fact, the whole video was comprised of everything we did earlier in the day! My anger flared. There was nothing worse than to be humiliated on public camera. Even if it was admittedly silly. My brother did that to me once, and I gave him a huge lesson for it. After all, I've seen too many cartoons where such horrible things happen to the unsuspecting innocent naïve main characters. Looked like I had to do the same for them.
I grouched, "Gandrayda…Celebi…You switched our bodies so you could make a video of us? Without OUR PERMISSION?"
Amy Purima added, "Wait. So this…was all…A PRANK?"
"Technically, I switched your souls, not your bodies, but…uh…yeah. Heh heh," chuckled Gandrayda nervously.
Celebi flew in close and whispered to her, "Run." She flew out of there, and Gandrayda cartwheeled after her.
"GET BACK HERE!" we shouted, running after them as fast as we could, climbing the houses and chasing them over the rooftops. The ever-gracious Chozo people started playing funny chase music and clapped in rhythm to it, laughing. Grovyle, Chikorita, and Samus all stood there, staring in disbelief. [But don't worry—as soon as the video stopped playing, my anger dissipated, and I realized how ludicrous the whole farce was…so we ran back and joined everyone in clapping to the music.]
Meanwhile, Master Kel-Zich scribbles down something on a hologram note pad.
Master Kel-Zich (muttering to himself): Hmm…note to self. Have them work on Anger Management next time.
To be continued…
Coming up next: Unfortunately, Gandrayda and Celebi will continue to annoy Amy and me for a long time to come. They're like a twisted fusion of the meanie-butts and Team Charm all over again! I find out that Samus' birthday is coming up fast, and guess who comes to ruin my surprise party with the Unbirthday Song? That's right. Not just those two ladies…but Master Kel-Zich, with a little something he likes to call…*gasp*…The Transfusion.