How Jigoku Saved/Destroyed Christmas
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto blah blah blah….. Anyway this is my Christmas gift to my fans. This story is in my Bad Blood storyline, somewhere. This one follows Jigoku as he both saves and destroys Christmas as the new temporary Santa Claus. Based off of Futurama's a Tale of Two Santas. Enjoy and a Merry Christmas.
Christmas, a time of love and happiness. Not until three years ago when Santa Claus went crazy and deemed nearly everyone naughty and instead of giving them coal. Santa decided to kill everyone, and it's all thanks to a certain eighteen year old red cat eyed moron who happens to be on top of an entire village's hit list. Everyone on Earth has barricaded their homes, set up booby traps, cemented their chimneys and armed themselves. Even in Konoha civilians and shinobi trapped themselves in their homes. In one home which consist of Tsunade, Shizune, their pig Tonton, Naruto, Kin, Ryoga, and Jigoku have barricaded the inside of their home. While Jiraiya is boarding the windows and any other entries. Inside Kin, Ryoga, and Jigoku and Naruto in Battle Clad form were trying to place a huge and very thick metal barrier in front of the front door.
"MOVE IT YOU FOUR! This is my fiftieth Christmas. I don't want to spend it in the afterlife!" yelled Tsunade.
"Tsunade-Sama, they're pushing as hard as they can," said Shizune trying to calm her mentor down.
"Oh….Pushing," said Jigoku and Naruto as they pushed the barrier causing Kin and Ryoga to fly to the ground.
"Stop playing around we have to prepare ourselves for Santa Claus. It's a good thing I got these new armor plating walls installed into the manor," commented Tsunade as she hit a button that activated the armored walls to surround the manor and ironically trapping Jiraiya outside.
"NO!!! TSUNADE-HIME LET ME IN!!!!!!!! I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!" yelled the fifty year old pervert only to be catapulted by a sign that says "Trespassers will be killed on sight" in bright red lighting.
"Just try to get in now Santa. I dare you to break into my impenetrable home," challenged Tsunade with everyone inside cheering her on. "And in a related mission. Shizune, Ryoga, and Jigoku will be delivering this bag of letters to Santa Claus's death fortress in the North Pole," she added.
Shizune looked at her leader in shock. Ryoga was looking at the Hokage with a very pissed look. Naruto and Kin thought Tsunade has finally lost her mind due to her old age and blondeness. Only Jigoku could say anything about this after hearing this no doubt S-ranked mission. S for suicide mission that no one in their right or wrong mind would even think of doing.
"DAMN YOU OLD WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Jigoku as he pointed at her while shaking an angry fist(A little homage to a friend of mine who says that while shaking his fist for no reason.) at her. His voice was heard throughout the entire village which caused a lot of people to pity those inside the Hokage Manor right now.
Two hours later the three poor souls who are sent on this very dangerous and scary mission make their way to the North Pole. How they get there will stay a mystery mainly because no one even wants to go there at all. Ryoga led the way in an very pissed mood. Shizune followed behind him with tears in her eyes for being sent to her death. While Jigoku was at the rear dragging the bag and bitching the entire way.
"Damn that fifty year old oversized breasted, alcoholic, in debt gambling, couldn't lead ants to a picnic, bitch of a Hokage," muttered Jigoku as he continued to drag the bag of letters.
"Jigoku, I know you're just as upset about this as well as me. But could you please for once just shut the fuck up," said Ryoga.
"Why should I?" demanded Jigoku.
"Because it's technically your fault we're in this mess," replied Ryoga.
"How is it his fault?" asked Shizune.
"Easy, he's the one who killed Santa's wife," answered Ryoga.
"I told you man it was an accident," whined Jigoku.
"Yeah, and then you kidnapped a supermodel and forced her to be his new wife," added Ryoga.
"Well he needed a new wife anyway," argued Jigoku.
"You then got her drunk and left Viagra in the reindeer stable. Then she wondered into the stable and was raped," added Ryoga again.
"Okay that was not part of my plan," defended Jigoku.
Five hours later the three poor pathetic souls reached the North Pole. They met up with the elves who are malnourished and homeless. They tried to ignore the puny elves who were begging for food or money. They saw Santa's death fortress and tried to think of a way to achieve their mission with their lives intact.
"I say Jigoku should go," said Shizune.
"Are you nuts!? If I go there the Jigoku you all know, fear, hate, and in one case hero worship will be no more," complained Jigoku.
"I'm willing to make that sacrifice," said Ryoga.
Despite the planning they all went there regardless. Just as soon as they entered Santa spotted them and attacked with surprisingly enough a rocket launcher. All three of them screamed and ran off dodging rockets and death traps. They reached an elevator by either luck or plot device to make their escape. Sadly Santa pulled out a heat seeking missile and fired at them with it. The missile got caught by the elevator doors and Shizune was pushing the up button to get away. The doors closed and the warhead of the missile landed inside the elevator. Panicking at the sight of the warhead, Ryoga and Jigoku used Shizune as a shield. They reached the rooftop of the fortress and ran out with Ryoga holding the warhead. Then he stopped and looked at what he was holding.
"Wait a minute….THIS IS WHAT WE'RE RUNNING FROM!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Ryoga as he threw the warhead back into the elevator. The warhead exploded and the three got away from it with Santa on their trail.
The three poor fools ran across thin ice without cracking it, but Santa sank in it and was frozen from the neck down.
"What the….? I'm stuck!" shouted Santa.
"Hooray! Now we can fix Christmas for everyone," cheered Shizune.
"Impossible. No human regardless of being a ninja can accomplished what I have done in years in one night," commented Santa.
"Santa's right. You need someone who's not actually human," agreed Jigoku. Everyone was looking at Jigoku at that moment. "Oh crap, I'm not actually human," he whined but took Santa's cap anyway.
"Jigoku can't be Santa! It's not in his nature to be charitable!" yelled Santa.
"Oh yeah, well that's were you are wrong. One I am charitable since last year I gave blood," argued Jigoku.
"Who's blood?" asked Ryoga.
"I don't know," said Jigoku. "Some of Gai's," he muttered under his breath that sounded like 'some guy's' instead. "And two, it's not in my nature to swipe Shizune's outfit two seconds ago, but that's never stopped me," he added as he showed everyone Shizune's outfit.
"JIGOKU!!!!!!!!" screamed Shizune as she grabbed her wardrobe and put it back on.
"Now you elves. Bow before your new Santa," ordered Jigoku as the elves bowed and chanted our hero. Then the elves ran to their work shop singing.
Elves: We are free and fairly sober with so many toys to build. The machines are kind of tricky, probably someone will be killed. But we gladly work for nothing
Ryoga: Which is good because we don't intend to pay
All: The elves are back to work today
Elves: Hooray!! We have just a couple of hours to make several billion gifts. And the labor isn't easy
Shizune: Then you'll work triple shifts! You make to the job go quickly if you turn up the controls to super speed
Elves: It's back to work on Christmas eve…..hooray
Shizune: And though you're cold and sore and ugly your pride will mask the pain
Ryoga: Let my happy smile warm your hearts
Elf with a toy train through his head: There's a toy lodged in my brain
Elves: We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster and we're very very sorry
Jigoku: Why you selfish little bastards! Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy empty headed jerk Jigoku kicks a couple of elves in the crotch. then shut your yaps and back to work
Elves: Now it's very nearly Christmas and we've done the best we could
Ryoga: These toy soldiers are poorly painted
Shizune: And they're made from inferior wood
Jigoku: I should give you all a beating but I really have to fly
Santa: If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye
Elves: Now it's back to our tenements to drown ourselves in rye
Shizune: You did the best you could I guess. And some of these gorillas are okay
Elves: Hooray! We're adequate!
All: The elves have rescued Christmas day….Hooray
As Jigoku flies in the air in Santa's sleigh he calls out the reindeers' names. Too bad he has no clue of their names.
"On Bobby, on Zack, on Kabal, on……wait a minute.," said Jigoku as he cracked a whip at the ticked off reindeers. "What happened to that freak with the red nose?" he asked as he beings to wonder where Rudolf was. Somewhere inside some person's home Rudolf lives in peace with a family of four.
The first stop happens to be the Sand village. The first 'house' happens to be Gaara's place. Like the Konoha village every home was boarded up. Gaara's was barred up and filled with all kinds of traps. Jigoku on the roof looks at the area with mild annoyance.
"Gee Jigoku, how are you going to get in?" Jigoku asked himself in a moron's tone. "I don't know dumbass. Maybe I should fire a pressure shot," Jigoku replied to himself. "Oh okay," he said as he fired the pressure shot. Then he jumped in as spotted Gaara, Kankuro, Temari, and Matsuri.
"Gaara-sensei! Santa got into the manor!" screamed Matsuri in fear.
"Gaara! Matsuri! Quick use your suicide pills so you won't suffer!" yelled Temari.
"No wait! I'm the good Santa, look I've even brought toys," said Jigoku as he showed them a bunch random toys.
"Don't believe him. He's the father of all lies and the uncle of death," said a freaked Kankuro.
"But I've come bringing mahjong," muttered Jigoku with a mahjong board.
"Attack him! Go for his ankles!" ordered Gaara as everyone attacked. Jigoku ran out of the manor with the bag. He made it to the door with bruises and sharp objects protruding from his body.
"One down….." muttered Jigoku as he got to the sleigh and flew off.
The next village happens to be the Sound village where he entered Orochimaru's lair. Like everyone else the Snake 'gay child molester' Sannin bolted his lair. Suddenly Jigoku was attacked by fire breathing snakes the size of the hallway. Jigoku ran and was ambushed by Orochimaru dressed like Michael Jackson. Jigoku screamed and hauled his ass out of the Sound village and flew off again. As the night went on Jigoku was assaulted by all types of weaponry and methods of harming him. Despite all the pain he has endured he asked himself this one question.
"How the Hell did Santa stayed fat? This job is hard work," he asked himself. As he flew he met up with a flying African based demonic creature or something.
"Yo Santa how's it going?" asked the African thing.
"Just awful Kwanzaa Bat. Every time I entered someone's home they've attacked me," replied Jigoku.
"Hey at least the understand you. Nobody's down with Kwanzaa," said Kwanzaa Bat.
"True. True. Hey maybe you can help out man," said Jigoku.
"No can do. I got keep delivering the traditional Kwanzaa books," said Kwanzaa Bat as he showed a book called "What the Hell is Kwanzaa" to Jigoku. "I've been delivering these for years," muttered Kwanzaa Bat.
As Jigoku reached the Konoha village a huge Christmas festival was being held with everyone there. Kids were playing, couples were dancing, Naruto and Hinata being among the couples, music was playing. The Akimichi clan was devouring the food. Contests were being held and everyone was happy. Right at the Hokage's dinning table was Shizune explaining to Tsunade the situation.
"Now remember Tsunade-sama, Jigoku is Santa so don't attack him," whispered Shizune.
"I got it I got it. You sound like a broken record," said Tsunade as she watched everyone having a good time. Just then Jigoku appeared for everyone to see.
"Ho ho ho," said Jigoku only to receive a thousand of kunai flying towards him from Tsunade. He managed to duck in time.
"Tsunade-sama! That's Jigoku-sempai weren't you listening to me!" yelled Shizune.
"No," answered Tsunade as she flung more kunai at Jigoku again. This time she hit him knocking him down. "Bring him to the dungeon at once," ordered Tsunade as the ANBU dragged Jigoku to the dungeon.
Two hours later Jigoku finds himself strapped onto a wall with his arms and legs with metal bangs on. Next to both of his sides are two huge magnets.
"Ah our new magnets," said Tsunade, Then a lot of coins and other metal objects started flying out of her clothes. Strangely the magnets weren't even turned on.
"Strong magnets," commented Jigoku.
"Yeah, anyway once this random guy who can't count at all says zero your execution will be done in the most humane way. By having those shackles be pulled by the magnets with your limbs attached," explained Tsunade.
"But old hag that doesn't sound humane!" yelled Jigoku.
"It is for everyone her and don't you dare call me old. Start the count." ordered Tsunade.
"Yes Hokage-sama. Five, two, thirty-six, fifty, three, seven, five again, one…." counted the random guy who can't count.
"Jigoku's boned isn't he?" asked Kin.
"Yep," said Naruto.
"Nee-chan can't we help Jigoku-san?" asked Hanabi.
"I'm afraid we can't Hanabi-chan," replied Hinata.
"Twenty-eight, zero," said the random guy and Jigoku's limbs were being pulled from his body.
Just then the real Santa came to Jigoku's rescue. Much to everyone's shock and surprise seeing two Santas. The real Santa destroyed the magnets and looked at Jigoku.
"Santa! You've save me! Please don't kill me!" begged Jigoku only for Santa to laugh.
"Kill you. Oh quite the opposite. Jigoku I need you to help me save Christmas," said Santa.
"Gee Santa you want me to help you?" asked Jigoku who was touched by this gesture.
"No Jigoku-san don't do it! He's evil!" yelled Lee. This caused a lot of people to looked at Lee like he was an idiot. Jigoku glared at the boy for telling him not to join Santa.
"Should we tell Lee that Aniki is actually evil?" asked Naruto.
"Nah, it's Christmas. Let him live in his little fantasy world," replied Kin.
"I know Jigoku's evil that's why I need him. I'm on a time limit and if I don't start my brutal assault on the people of the world. Then it just wouldn't be Christmas," explained the formerly jolly old fat man. "Jigoku what I'm saying is will you joining in my slaying tonight?" asked Santa.
"Well…..tis the season," answered Jigoku as he hopped on Santa's sleigh with Santa Claus.
That night on Christmas Eve was a night of carnage as Jigoku and Santa started their rampage throughout the planet. People ran in fear from the attacks and chaos reign throughout the night. They met up with Kwanzaa Bat who invited them to Chanukah werewolf's Holiday bash. Both agreed to go after their Christmas Nightmare was done. Once they finished Santa gave Jigoku a present.
"Here you go Jigoku. It's a little present for you for taking over while I was trapped in the ice," said Santa as he handed the Berserker a small gift.
"Sweet," said Jigoku as he opened it to find nothing. "Yo, chief you screwed up. There's nothin in here," said Jigoku in a Brooklyn accent.
"It may be empty, but the message is clear. Try another stunt like that and you're dead," warned Santa as he kicked Jigoku off the Sleigh.
The End
Wishing everyone Happy Holiday to all from every part of the world. Real and fictional. A good time for all and to all a good night.