What am I supposed to do? I mean, I understand her whole parents complex but why wait so long? Ugh, I would've understood. I was the only one that ever understood. She should've known me better than that, she shouldn't have let Madison run all over her like that. Love conquers all, if it's real. I cant talk to her right now. I wonder if she still has those feelings for me...
I sigh, yet again, this is something to deal with. She just must know it's perfect timing... sarcasm by the way, did you catch that? I turn on my car, I'm going home. Gonna go be constructive and 'do my little hobby' as my parents call it. I call it my life: my music.
For the past hour I've been texting Jamie, letting her in on the whole Erin thing that happened at Starbucks. I told her what Erin's excuse was but she, too, wasn't buying it. But then again she doesn't have a clue about Erin's brother. So it makes me feel kinda bad in a way.
On another note, I've been playing stupid Mayday Parade songs as well as The Spill Canvas . Why does every single band I love have to sing about their mushy feelings for other people? Well, I know that answer: because everyone's been through a little bit of heartbreak.
As I begin to doze off to Spill Canvas' "Dutch Courage" my phone vibrates. I put it on vibrate because I needed a little bit if piece and quiet. I look at the name. It's Spencer. I pick it up quickly, "Hello?"
"Hey!" she says excited. Sounds like there's a commotion in the background.
"What's up?" I say hesitantly. Why would she be calling me around a group of people? Oh god, maybe it's Madison and Erin all over again.
"Practice ran late." she says and I look at the clock. It says 5:20.
"Oh, so that means you don't wanna hang out?" I ask. Maybe she's too tired. I learned from my past mistakes with asking Erin to hang out with me right after practice. She was always tired and bitchy.
"No, no, no," she laughs, "You can't get out of hanging out with me that easily. I was actually wondering if you wouldn't mind picking me up. But only if it's not the biggest inconvenience."
I shake my head, she can't see that, "No, it's not a big deal. I'll come get you."
"I would ask Kyla but I don't know where she is, I mean she's always so busy so..." she trails off.
"So you decided you'd ask me because I never do anything with my free time?"
She laughs, "Yes."
I smirk, "Okay, what time?"
"Well--" she stops talking in the middle of her sentence. I think someone's talking to her. I put my stereo on pause and listen close.
"You need a ride home?" a distant voice asks but I can hear them clearly.
"No, no. that's okay. I got someone." she says.
"Why are you smiling so big? Who is it? Oh my god, is it that cute guy you were talking to after practice?" the voice says loudly. I think it's Lindy. Ugh, Lindy, Mindy, Wendy, I don't know. One of the three.
Spencer laughs, "No, shut up. My friend, Ashley is coming."
I'm her friend. I'm getting too happy about that.
"Hopefully not Ashley Davies. That girl is the biggest handful. You know she's gay, right? She might try to stick her hand down your--"
"Hey, Ashley can I call you back?" she asks, cutting the girl off so I can't hear her. Good thing because I'd probably wind up kicking her ass if I knew who she was.
"Uh, yeah. Do you still want me to come?" I ask. I figure after everyone on the squad has had a chance to talk smack to Spencer about me she'll probably change her mind about me picking her up. Hell, maybe even about me just her friend.
"Yes. Yes, I want you to come pick me up and then we're gonna hang out just like I said we would. And I would like for you to leave within the next five minutes, if you could." Spencer says. I think she's saying all this unnecessary information in front of everyone so she can show them that she doesn't care. I hope that's what she's doing because that would be just make Spencer even more awesome.
"Okay. See you then." I say smiling.
"Bye." she says then hangs up.
I stand up and look at myself in my full body mirror. When I got home I decided I need to be in my relax clothes so I put on my black and baby blue Between The Trees shirt and blue Soffes. Should I change? Nah, it's not like I'm getting out of the car or going a date.
I grab my phone and my car keys then head downstairs, to my car. My mom's sitting at the dinning table. She's not dinning. She wasn't here when I got home. "Hey, Ashley." she says stopping me at the front door.
I turn to look at her, "Hey, mom." Mom has stacks and stacks of paper surrounding her. She works herself to the bone, I guess that's why I admire her so much.
"Where are you headed off to?" she asks looking at me through her thick framed glasses.
"I'm gonna go pick up a friend from school."
Mom straightens up, "Who?"
"Uh, Spencer. Spencer Carlin from next door. Kyla and her--"
"Went to camp together." my mom smiles, "You're friends with her, too?"
I shrug, "I guess you can say that. We're getting there." and hopefully we'll be something more, "She called me for a ride, she didn't want to ask Kyla because she's always so busy after school."
My mom nods, "She is."
Silence.
I look at the clock above my mom's head. Spen told me to leave within five minutes, I have 3 minutes to leave before my window closes.
Still silence.
"Um, so looks like you're swamped. So I'll leave you to it." I turn away from her and place my hand on the doorknob.
"Ashley." my mom says. I roll my eyes, sigh, then turn back around to look at her.
"Yes?" I say.
"Do you have time, some time this week, to have a little time with your mom?" she says this with a smile. I don't sense too much happiness in her smile or voice. I hope she doesn't feel obligated to hang out with me just because we're related.
"Um, yeah, mom. I can do that." I smile.
"Okay, Ashley, thank you." she says and now I see the happiness in her smile. Maybe she thought I was gonna blow her off. My parents are so weird. Ever since my dad got a job at that new hospital\, my parents have been extra broken. I never see them talk, my dad sleeps on the couch and my mom sleeps in their bedroom. I just chalk it up to them being married. Marriage is just blah, I mean two out of three marriages fail. Sad thought, they should just end getting married it all together. But at the same time the people that are the one out of three, they must be completely heels over head.
"Well, I better go get Spencer before it gets to late." I open the door and walk out without waiting for a response from mother. It's not that I hate my mom or anything, I don't. It's the exact opposite actually. I just feel kinda uncomfortable around her sometimes. I feel like she knows about me and just decides not to say anything about it.
I get in the car, start it up and back up before my phone starts ringing. It's Chrissy. That's right, I don't think I ever texted her back. "Hey, Chris." I say.
"Hey, what are you doing?" she asks.
I could lie but then again why would I? "I'm going to school."
"Uh, why?" she asks.
"Spencer needs a ride." I say. I'm not beating around any bushes. I put it out there on the table.
"Is that the new girl?" she asks.
"Yeah, Spencer Carlin. She's my neighbor."
"Oh, is she your--"
I cut her off, she's so predictable, "My new girlfriend? No. I don't have a girlfriend."
She sighs and doesn't say anything for like a minute.
"Chrissy, you still there?" I ask turning a corner sharply.
"Yeah..."
There's something on her mind, "What's up? Sounds like you got something on your mind."
"You know what I have on my mind." she says quietly. "You."
No, no, no.
"I know this will freak you out. I know you told me you didn't want this at the beginning of this relation—" She stops her self, "Thing but I can't help it. I cant stop thinking about you. You're really amazing." she says.
Crap, I have the hiccups, "You're—amazing, too." ow, these are those violent hiccups everyone's always talking about. I don't know how I got them, I haven't eaten anything lately.
"But you don't feel the same way about me now do you?" she asks knowing what the answer is.
I sigh and hiccup, "Why do you have to be in a (hiccup) be in a relationship? Why do you need to (hiccup) need to justify what this is?"
"Because I want to be with you that way, okay? Is that so wrong? To want to be the only one you look at, the only one you think about. The only one that drives you crazy..."
"You do (hiccup) drive me crazy. I do think (hiccup) about you. I (hiccup) love looking at you." I say and I think, now that I said it, love wasn't the best word to use. And it's really hard to say all those things and seriously mean it while violently hiccuping.
"But then again I'm not the only one you think about or the only one that drives you crazy or the only one you love looking at, now am I? And you don't love me." she says.
"I do love you, (hiccup) just not--"
She cuts me off, "Not like that?" she asks.
I nod, "Yeah."
"What is 'like that'? I mean we do everything a couple does. We go out together. Movies, mall, Starbucks, what else is there? We talk on the phone a lot. We have sex. We basically are in a relationship you just don't want to call me your girlfriend. You want all the perks of being with me but not being with me."
She's right, we do all those things and we're not together. "I know that. We do all those things because they're fun. This is what you signed up for when you decided to get into this THING with me. None of this should be a big surprise."
She begins to yell, "I know that, okay? I never expected to fall for you. No matter what I told my heart to do, it wouldn't. I said 'don't fall for her, this was just suppose be for fun'." She gets quieter again, "I'm sorry I cant control my feelings. I cant decide who I fall for. I'm not like you, I can't just do things without getting attached, I guess."
I sigh, "I did get attached. If I wasn't then I wouldn't be trying to work this out with you right now. I would've just hung up or avoided you. But I want to hold on to our friendship."
She scoffs, "Friendship? We didn't have a friendship."
"Yes, we did. Yes, we do." I say confused.
"No, because if we did that would mean you fuck all your friends and I doubt you do that. But then again I've always had my suspicions about you and Jamie."
Okay, that was the final straw. I was being calm and content up until this point, "I can't do this, Chrissy. I won't. I know what I told you, I'm sorry you don't see things my way anymore--"
"I, honestly, never did." she says.
"Well, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry you fell for me. I wish I woulda fell for you, too, but I did not. And I'm not gonna beat myself half to death because I don't feel the same way about you. It isn't fair to either one of us but, hey, life's not fair." I sigh, "I like spending time with you. I like hanging out with you. I like having sex with you, that makes me a horrible person but sex is suppose to be enjoyable. And aside from the sex thing, we had a normal friendship. I wish we could keep it but obviously not."
"Because you don't have a conscience." she says,
"What?" I say screeching. I turn in to the front of the school and park, "I do have a conscience, okay? If I didn't then I wouldn't feel bad about everything that's happening between us right now. How dare you even imply--" I stop myself, "Look, I care for you. That's all there is, not in the way you want me to but I do care. And I'm gonna stop talking to you right now because if I say anything else our friendship will be ruined to the point of no return so I'll talk to you later. Much later." I hang up my phone without a good-bye and toss it in the passenger's seat.
Ugh, damn. Two fights in one day. Is there a special day everyone marked on their calendar called 'Ashley's a bitch, ruin her life' day? I need to scream.
Kind of a bad day Ashley's having, eh? It could only get better right?
xoxo