Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling.
The first part of The Neville Trilogy
NEVILLE NUMQUAM
chapter three
alas poor steve, we barely knew ye
Neville felt rather pleased with himself as they walked down the corridor. Hermione and Ron stood at either side of him, their steps falling slightly behind his. This made him the spearhead of their formation, much as Harry usually was. He could understand why Harry liked being there too. It felt good.
He was just thinking about what kind of nickname he should give them (something like The Golden Trio, only not quite so stupid) when they arrived at the bathroom Hermione had mentioned.
They went in and saw that Malfoy was standing in the middle of the room pouting. When he saw the three Gryffindors enter he suddenly went even paler than usual and cowered.
"Oh, Merlin!" he screamed. "It wasn't my idea! I swear! They made me do it! DON'T HURT ME!!!"
While Malfoy cowered in the corner they discussed options.
"We could just kill him," Ron suggested.
"But then we'll never know where Harry is," Neville pointed out.
"Yeah, but then Malfoy would be dead."
"And then Harry might die. And you'd be in Azkaban."
Ron held up his hands. "All valid points, but I think you're missing the point of my argument. I don't like Malfoy."
"I had guessed that."
"Him being dead would be quite nice, actually."
"Shut up, Ron."
"So nice that I think that, when the Aurors show up, I shall tell them how happy I am that the bastard is dead! I might even do a little song and dance number, if the mood strikes me."
Neville decided that the best course of action would be not to involve Ron in the discussion.
"Hermione, I have a plan," Neville whispered to her.
Neville quickly explained his plan to Hermione while Ron plotted how best to end Malfoy's miserable life. Neville's plan involved Hermione unbuttoning the top few buttons of her shirt and bending over in front of Malfoy and politely asking where Harry was and maybe wiggling a bit. Ron's plan involved rather creative use of a pair of pliers.
"Malfoy Manor, they're keeping him in my room," Malfoy said, not even looking away from Hermione's cleavage. "Here's my key to the front door. Some dog treats to distract my hellhound. If you'll excuse me..."
He rushed into one of the cubicles. This was followed by much moaning and groaning.
"Oh God! Give it to me, you filthy Mudblood!"
Malfoy looked terrified when the realised that Hermione, Ron and Neville were waiting outside the cubicle for him.
"You're coming with us," Hermione said sternly. "So there's no funny business."
Malfoy crossed his arms and smirked. "And if I don't?"
"Then we'll let Ron do whatever he wants to you?" Hermione told him. Malfoy looked at Ron, who grinned.
"Turn around and bend over, Malfoy," Ron commanded.
###
When Harry woke up he wondered why Madame Pomfrey had decided to redecorate the Hospital Wing. The old decor of everything in plain white had been so nice, too. Now there were so many mirrors he was almost sure he was sleeping in the room of someone in love with himself.
That was when someone walked in. Madame Pomfrey looked a tad more feminine than she had the last time he'd seen her...
And a bit more blonde...
And a bit more Lucius Malfoy-y.
Actually, it was Lucius Malfoy.
"Ah, Mr Potter," Lucius said with a smirk. "Thank you for gracing our humble abode with your presence."
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PICK ON ME WHY CAN'T YOU DEATH EATERS GO CHASE AFTER SOMEONE UNIMPORTANT LIKE RON I AM SICK OF ALL OF-!!!?"
"Silencio!" Lucius whispered harshly. He smirked. "Much better. Now that you're awake I'll chuck you in the dungeon."
"Why didn't you just chuck me in the dungeon when I was asleep?" Harry asked. Lucius looked somewhat surprised that Harry had regained the ability to talk so quickly, but he recovered.
"Well, then what kind of a host would I be?" Lucius asked.
###
They decided to go by train, because, for some reason, it seems perfectly normal that a train from Hogsmeade station leaves at midnight and heads straight for Malfoy Manor. They'd gone and fetched various supplies for their journey. For Ron this included a chess set.
For Hermione this had been a fifth-year Hufflepuff called Steve. For some reason she had insisted he wear his red shirt.
"Why are we bringing him?" Malfoy had demanded.
Hermione shrugged. "You never know when he might come in handy."
The train eventually ground to a halt outside what looked suspiciously like Count Dracula's castle. In the background there was a flash of lightning.
"What a cheerful looking house," Neville had remarked.
Malfoy scurried forward and pushed the front gates open.
"If someone other than a Malfoy tried that, he'd be turned into a giant pizza," Malfoy said.
"That just sounds ridiculous," Ron remarked. "You don't get visitors much then, do you?"
They made there way up towards the castle. It was quite a pleasant stroll, despite it being three in the morning and that a fair bit of barking seemed to be being done.
"Run! RUN!" Malfoy screamed, before proceeding to take his own advice to heart and pegging it for all he was worth. Hermione ran forward, arms flailing about.
"What a stupid day not to wear a bra!" she muttered to herself.
Ron followed, using his Quidditch-toned legs to gain the advantage. Neville brought up the rear... actually, whatever happened to Ste-?
Ah.
Yes.
He's being eaten by the dogs.
And he isn't exactly doing it quietly.
The other four reached the manor and burst into the hallway. They gasped and panted as they fought to control their breath.
"Oh, poor Steve," Hermione moaned, before breaking down and wailing. Neville was surprised when Malfoy tried to comfort her, though actually he was trying to cop a feel. Ron gently removed him from Hermione by punching him in the face. Neville, instead, offered her a pat on the back.
"He was a good man!" Malfoy said once he'd stifled the bleeding. There was a long pause before Hermione's sobbing stopped.
"Actually, who was he? I'd never met him before tonight," she asked.
Ron shrugged.
"Come on, we may as well get to my bedroom before the Dark Lord shows up and commences with the anal rape," Malfoy said.
Malfoy's house was like a maze. He kept making turns almost at random. At several points he seemed to stop and decide what direction to go. Neville could have sworn he was lost.
"Draco, my love, how long until we get your room?" Hermione asked, so eager she was bouncing up and down a bit. This did not exactly do wonders for Malfoy's concentration.
"Would it, by any chance, be the room over there labelled Draco's Room?" Ron asked; pointing to a door they'd walked past at least four times.
"Aha! Yes, um, I knew it all along!" Malfoy exclaimed, looking unusually pleased with himself.
They went into the room, which was empty. Though, by the looks of it, until recently someone had been sleeping in the bed. Such a person had left copious amounts of raven black hair behind.
"Oh, we'll never find him!!" Hermione wailed. Malfoy made his way forward to offer his comfort in the form of two arms outstretched with his hands squeezing the air eagerly. Neville beat him to it by patting her on the back again.
Neville wondered how he'd ever had so much trouble with girls before he became gorgeous. This was easy. All you had to do was be pretty and occasionally pretend to care when they over-reacted to something.
Suddenly there was a knocking on the door.
"Draco, darling, is that you in there?" a woman's voice asked.
"Er, um, YES MOTHER!" he shouted back. "Don't come in!"
"Is everything all right? I heard some girlish screaming!"
"Er, I was just... um... I was just masturbating!" He grabbed Hermione and Neville rather roughly and pushed them into the wardrobe.
"Why didn't you shove Ron in?" Neville hissed, but Malfoy must have missed it as he shut the door on him regardless.
Neville struggled to listen to what was happening in the room outside, but it was fruitless. Hermione's breathing was far too loud.
"Neville," she breathed.
Neville looked at her. Which was pointless, really, as it was pitch black in the wardrobe.
"I think you're delicious," she whispered.
"Wha -?"
Suddenly a pair of lips were on his, a pair of breasts were crushing into his chest and she was on his lap. Her hands quickly found his hair and pulled him closer as he tried to pull away. Neville felt like he was about to suffocate until the door finally swung open and light flooded onto their situation.
"Hermione!" Ron exclaimed. "What's going on?"
"NO!" Hermione shrieked. Neville had enough time to hear Ron scream before the door slammed shut again and his lips were assaulted again.
"Hermione," he gasped when she finally broke the kiss; moments before the flow of oxygen to Neville's brain was completely shut down. "I'm sorry, but I don't -!"
"I love you, Neville!" Hermione sobbed. "Make love to me! Right here in Draco Malfoy's cupboard!"