Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling.

The epic Neville Trilogy continues

NEVILLE DEXTEROUS

chapter two

the sorting hat's new song

Ginny continued to stare mournfully out the window for much of the journey. Eventually they pulled up to the train station in Hogsmeade, and Ginny shot up from her seat. If she got it right, she might be in a carriage with Harry or Neville.

She hit the jackpot and wound up in a carriage with both of them. Unfortunately, Hermione was also in the carriage at the time. She was practically sitting on Neville's lap the whole time (the hussy)and Harry did not look very pleased about it.

Ginny was glad when they pulled up to Hogwarts. It not only meant Hermione had to get off of Neville's lap, but also that she would get to see Hogwarts for the first time in a year. A part of her felt that she ought to be making a bit more of a deal out of this.

"Ginny, come on, hurry up," Ron said. Ginny gave a start. She had not even noticed her brother in the carriage. It was probably quite a feat for someone so unnaturally large to remain so unnoticeable like that. "The feast will be starting soon."

"Oh, Ron, Dumbledore has announcements to make first," Hermione said, bouncing up and down. "I wonder if he took my suggestion and started having classes on Saturdays. Oh, it's pointless to waste a day on just relaxing or playing Quidditch when we could be studying! Don't you agree Harry?"

"Just keep bouncing up and down, he'll probably agree to anything you say," Ginny mumbled. She looked at Neville, who was thankfully unaffected by Hermione's movements. Perhaps he'd grown immune to them over the last year. He turned to look at her, and she smiled at him.

"Ginny, stop staring at Neville," Ron said. "People will start to think you're a scarlet woman."

Neville, to his credit, looked utterly gobsmacked. Ginny blushed furiously and punched Ron squarely on the nose. She had to stretch a bit for it, and Ron barely seemed to react to the blow. She turned and fled towards the Great Hall, giving a loud sob as she did. There, she ran smack into Snape. The collision knocked her backwards and she hit the floor.

"Miss Weasley," Snape sneered. "Is this your uniform?"

Ginny noticed now, to her horror, that she was still wearing the outfit she had put on to impress Harry, which included a short skirt that Snape could probably see up from his vantage point. She quickly scrambled to her feet, her face burning. She'd never felt so embarrassed in her life.

"It is fortunate, Miss Weasley, that Gryffindor have no points to lose for this blatant disregard of the school dress code. You can take comfort, however, that you will have a detention with me tomorrow night. Now, you must sit through the whole feast dressed like," the pervert actually took a moment to look her up and down, "that."

Ginny felt so embarrassed as she walked through the Great Hall. She could feel hundreds of eyes burning into her. She looked up...

Actually, no one was looking at her.

She spun around. Not a single person seemed to have noticed her coming in.

She felt the anger rising. How dare they not ogle a scantily-clad young girl in her moment of shame!

She sat down between Neville and Harry. Hermione arrived moments later, having just got back from the teachers table where she was already looking for extra assignments. She looked at Ginny, for a moment, and then decided to squeeze in between Ginny and Neville.

There was a bit of a scuffle, but somehow Harry still wound up sitting beside Ginny. Ginny was growing fairly fed up of Hermione by this stage. So was Harry, by the looks of it.

"Does anybody want to have sex with a famous person?" Harry asked the Gryffindor table. Parvati Patil lunged at him across the table. Seamus tried desperately to stop her.

"No, Parvati! I took you home to meet me mam over the summer," Seamus pleaded.

Seamus' attempts to reason with a crazed Parvati were interrupted by the arrival of the first years. They somehow looked smaller and more fragile than ever before.

In front of them was the Sorting Hat, who had taken a rather different approach this year.

"Smart arses in Ravenclaw,

Shifty-looking bastards in Slytherin,

Brainless loonies in Gryffindor,

The fat, ugly ones in Hufflepuff.

Come on, sort yourselves!"

The Hat looked down at the bewildered first years expectantly. There were whispers throughout the entire hall. Everyone was looking at Dumbledore, who seemed unconcerned with this development and was instead staring dreamily off into space.

McGonagall cleared her throat loudly. Everyone in the hall stopped, and the Hat looked up at her.

"Oh, do I bloody have to? It's not like there'll be any consequences of my actions. It's Potter's seventh year. Obviously the Dark Lord's going to attack this year, and unless our saviour can focus on something besides Miss Granger's rack, I'm afraid we're screwed."

McGonagall, however, continued to glare at the Hat.

"Adams, Charlie," McGonagall announced. The Hat did not look pleased.

The bewildered first year sat there while the Hat muttered to itself before proclaiming, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Brooks, Helen!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Bulstrode, Philip."

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Cox, Claire."

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"I see a trend developing," Ron muttered.

By the time they had reached, "Trent, Marvin," the Hat didn't even wait for the poor boy to step forward to announce his House. Several youngsters had not taken the news well.

"No, I must be a Slytherin!" one boy screamed as McGonagall dragged him towards his new house. "It is the only way I'll be able to take my place at the side of the Dark Lord!"

Eventually, after all the tears and tantrums, the Sorting was finished and Filch carried a grumbling Hat away. McGonagall took her seat beside Dumbledore. Everyone looked at the old man, waiting for him to say something. McGonagall gave him a sharp poke, and he snapped out of his revere.

"Yes, yes, welcome to Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announced, standing up. "I have but a few words to say before the feast begins. And those words are..." He raised a finger, then suddenly his face fell. His eyes darted back and forth across the room.

"Blast, I've forgotten the punch line of my bloody joke," Dumbledore said. Snape lowered his head into his hands, and everybody in the hall laughed.

After the feast, Dumbledore rose again.

"Now that we've all eaten our fill," he began. "There is time for a few announcements. First, I am delighted to introduce our new Potions Master, Professor Severus Snape."

"You bludgering old coot!" Snape barked at him. "I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. You promised me the post the year Potter finally got thrown out!"

"Ah, and may I introduce our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, who wishes to make a dramatic entrance."

The doors of the Great Hall swung open, and all of the girls (and a few boys) gasped suddenly.

"Allow me to introduce Professor Cedric Diggory," Dumbledore said. Ginny blinked a couple of times. Then she pinched herself. But still, the gorgeous young man making his way through the centre of the Hall did not vanish.

"Christ Almighty," one of the other girls in her year whose name was unimportant whispered to her friend who was also unimportant. "He's even more gorgeous than I remember."

"Back off," Hermione snapped. "He's mine!" She turned around and pouted at Cedric, who strode calmly up to the table as though he didn't notice the number of people ogling him.

"Now, I know I'm not the shiniest pebble on the beach," Ron said. "Normally the world more than three inches away from my own nose tends to confuse me. But I'm sure that he died."

"I watched him die," Harry said. "It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. How could they take this away from me?"

"I elected not to join you for your feast," Cedric was announcing to the student body. He licked his lips. "I find that the food of mortals does not... satisfy me anymore." He licked his lips again. He took a seat beside Professor Snape, and began leering at several students. Snape began leering at Cedric.

"So, he's a vampire then?" Neville asked, looking around the table. "Figures. I suppose we've already had a werewolf teaching here twice, it was only a matter of time before..."

"DON'T BE SILLY!" Hermione shouted at him. Everyone looked taken aback. As far as Hermione was concerned, a mealtime without going off about something was a mealtime wasted, but it had been a long time since Neville had been her target. "Dumbledore is wise and powerful. He wouldn't put students in danger by hiring a vampire. Besides..." She turned back to look at Cedric. "He's gorgeous."

Cedric probably heard the exchange, if the kiss he blew towards Hermione was any indication.

"Well, if he didn't bloody die the first time, he's bloody in for it now!" Harry growled, rising to his feet and grabbing the nearest available weapon, which happened to be a spoon.

Dumbledore continued to make the announcements, which largely involved what Filch threatened to do to anyone who didn't wipe their feet before coming into the castle, while several people at the Gryffindor table tried to restrain Harry. In the end it was Lavender Brown who grabbed Harry by the collar and slammed him back into his seat. Harry continued to look sullen while Dumbledore dismissed them.