Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling

The epic Neville Trilogy continues

NEVILLE DEXTEROUS

chapter six

dead and loving it

It was not the first time Ginny had awoken in a strange room she did not recognise. One time there had been a giant, dead snake that was still squirting blood everywhere and a second year boy covered in blood clutching the diary of the most powerful dark wizard in a century. Another time there had been a load of French people about to sacrifice her to a dark god to enhance their own magical ability, and had been part of the reason she had elected to study her NEWTs at Hogwarts...

Perhaps not the most spectacular idea she had ever had, given her current predicament.

She appeared to be in some sort of run-down shack. All the furniture looked like it had been torn apart by a wild animal and put back together by someone who perhaps had only read about furniture in a book with no pictures. She was tied to the bed, and her captor was sitting at a desk, watching her.

She got a good look at him before he noticed she was awake. He wore long dark robes like those a Death Eater might. His hair was shaved, though the same could not be said of his face, which bore a slight stubble. His most striking feature, however, was the scar below his left eye that cut down his cheek.

"You are awake," he said. "It is about time."

"What are you going to do to me?" she shrieked, trying to struggle against her bonds, but she was bound firmly at both wrists and ankles.

"Oh, I will subject you to tortures you cannot imagine," he hissed. "You will plead for death at the end of it all."

"You won't get away with this!" Ginny spat. "Someone will come rescue me." She silently tried to send a message to Neville, hoping that the power of their love would enable them to form a brief, telepathic link that would allow him to hear her.

She didn't know it, but Neville was working on an essay in the library and didn't really feel like being disturbed.

"I'm counting on it," the man proclaimed arrogantly. He got up and began to pace. "I am betting that when Harry Potter finds his little girlfriend has been kidnapped he will rush down here to save you without thinking, and then the great and feared Death Eater Baron Luther Von Evilly will be waiting for him!" He raised a finger into the air as if he had just made a great proclamation.

"Who's Baron Luther Von Evilly?" Ginny asked.

The Death Eater looked totally dumfounded.

"How is it you do not know me?" he demanded, charging over to the bed and shaking her. "Why, my name is often spoken with as much fear as that of the Dark Lord himself." Ginny shook her head.

"No, sorry, never heard of you," she said. "If it's any consolation, your plan is utter bollocks anyway. Harry won't come and save me. You mark my words. The moment my darling Neville realises I'm missing he'll be down here in a flash, and then you'll be sorry!"

The Death Eater was about to retort, but Ginny was having none of it.

"And then he'll untie me, and we'll kiss and it will be wonderful and then we're going to get married and have lots of children that will all grow up and piss on your grave while we watch and we'll eventually die in each others' arms a hundred years from now at the climax of a passionate love-making session!"

###

Harry Potter was not a happy boy. He was convinced that Cedric Diggory was up to something. Neville had mentioned something about some peasants, er... some Hufflepuffs... going missing. He was sure that it was all part of some Death Eater ploy to get to him.

Yes, Cedric had obviously killed the Hufflepuffs, knowing full well that Harry would work it out. But, he'd be leading Harry right into a trap. Ha! The great Harry Potter would not fall for such a weak plan. He would spring the trap, break free and strike Cedric Diggory down!

And then Hermione would have no choice but to have sex with him.

Her behaviour was really upsetting Harry. At first she had said all these things about how much she loved him but she still refused to even so much as kiss him, insisting that "their love was so pure and that their first kiss would therefore have to be perfect." But she had kissed Neville and Ron before, and she seemed to expect him to sit quiet and say nothing while she eyed up any male in the immediate area who happened to look vaguely human.

At the moment she was very much a fan of staring at Cedric whilst in class. Harry felt like charging to the front of the room and ripping Cedric's throat out with his bare hands. But it was not yet time to spring the trap. He needed more information and more planning.

His opportunity was granted to him when Cedric asked for Hermione to remain after class.

"Hermione, I'm afraid that this work is not up to standard," Cedric told her. Hermione suddenly broke down into tears.

"I'm sorry, Professor!" she squealed. "I've been neglecting my studies. I've starting having lie ins in the morning and last night I even got as much as three hours sleep! Oh, please don't throw me out of the class! I'll sleep less. I'll push my feeble brain until it can't be pushed any more!" She howled and wept, completely unconcerned that the entire class was standing in the doorway watching her.

"That will not be necessary," Cedric said. "Hermione, I think you would benefit more from some, ahem, more personal tutoring." He threw her the most obvious wink in the history of the universe.

"Tutoring with snogging?" Hermione asked.

"Er... sure. Why not?" Cedric said.

Hermione's tears seemed to have dried up fairly quickly, and she skipped out of the classroom. Harry let her go, forming a plan in his head.

So that night he and Ron followed Hermione down to detention wearing the Invisibility Cloak. She stopped off at every single bathroom along the way to check her appearance. Luckily she failed to notice when Ron didn't stop and followed her into the bathroom, leaving Harry outside the girls' bathroom with the Invisibility Cloak. Thankfully Ron did not wash his hands after using the toilet; otherwise Hermione might have spotted him.

Finally they made it to Cedric's classroom, though Hermione seemed to have lost her robes along the way and was now clad in a somewhat dubious schoolgirl outfit. Had Harry been Head Boy he would have taken House Points as her top button on her blouse was undone...

So were the next three buttons down as well, actually.

She knocked on the door and stormed in regardless. Harry and Ron made a dash for the door before it slammed shut. Once inside the quickly ducked into the corner where they would be able to see everything.

Hermione practically bounced over to the desk where Cedric appeared to be marking papers.

"Professor Diggory, I've been a bad girl and I'm here to be punished," Hermione said. Cedric licked his lips.

"Oh, you will be," Cedric replied.

"Actually, Professor Diggory," some small Hufflepuff announced from the back of the room. "I'm still here doing detention as well. Should I keep going?"

Cedric and Hermione did not seem to take any notice of him.

"Now that we're alone, my dear, I have something to tell you," Cedric said, standing up and walking around the table. He made a move to brush Hermione's hair away from her neck, but she shot around and his hand unfortunately clutched upon her ample bosom instead. He jerked his hand away as quickly as possible.

"Sir, I have something I want to tell you too," Hermione gasped. "I think you're, like, totally hot."

"That's nice," Cedric said, not really concerned. "You're not too bad yourself. But, oh, the smell of your blood. I catch a whiff of you and it's all I can do not to rip your throat out and feast upon the gooey red goodness that flows forth. Oh, I've lain awake and thought about how many ways I'd like to kill you. Should I slowly drain away your beautiful blood through your neck, or perhaps rip out your still beating heart so that you can watch how I savour it?"

"Aw, that's so romantic."

Cedric blinked.

"What?"

"So, can we make the sexy time now?" Hermione asked, unbuttoning her shirt even further. Cedric shrugged, obviously just deciding to go with the flow.

"Er, Professor?" the Hufflepuff still at the back of the classroom asked.

Hermione, showing all of her usual grace and subtlety, lunged for Cedric's lips. Cedric looked clearly taken aback, especially when Harry suddenly appeared on top of him trying to strangle him. Of course, he managed to shrug the pair of them off fairly easily, but it was a bit of a minor irritation all the same.

"Harry?" Hermione shrieked in surprise. "It's not what it looks like."

"Oh, and what does it look like?" Harry demanded. Hermione opened and closed her mouth several times, but the only sounds she could make were indecipherable squeaks. Harry took a deep breath and tried to count to ten, like that book Hermione had forced him to read told him...

When he thought about the book all he could think about was how he'd had so much trouble reading it while she was flirting with Neville.

"This is so typical of you!" Harry snapped, giving up after six. "You're off fooling around with other boys and you expect me to just sit here like some lemon and wait for you to get tired of shagging everything and then maybe I'll finally at least get a kiss off of you. Well, I'm sick of it."

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed hotly.

"I'M NOT FINISHED!!!"

Even Cedric took a step back. Hermione was starting to cry now.

"Well, I'm tired of you making a fool out of me!" Harry shouted. "We are soooooooo over."

"Harry, please, I love you," Hermione pleaded. She was on her knees at his feet now, pleading with him. Harry looked coldly at her and mustered the most hurtful thing he could think of.

"Well, I don't like you anymore because you're gay," he hissed. With that he turned and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Hermione collapsed with a wail. Cedric made a move to check on her, but he finally noticed Ron was still standing in the corner with what appeared to be a Muggle weapon of some sort.

"Weasley, what are you doing?" Cedric asked. "Don't you know that guns can't kill vampires?"

The gun appeared not to agree with him. Ron fired and the gun made an unholy noise.

And the contents of Cedric's skull made an unholy mess of the wall behind him.

"Does this mean my detention's over?" the Hufflepuff asked.