Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling

The epic Neville Trilogy continues

NEVILLE DEXTEROUS

chapter eight

negotiations

"En garde, Harry Potter!" the Death Eater proclaimed, flourishing his wand.

"Ah, a duel with Voldemort's finest!" Harry shouted, drawing his wand as well.

"Look," Ron said, pointing at something in the corner. "Someone's done a poo in the corner."

"Well there aren't any bathrooms in here!" the Death Eater replied defensively, turning around slightly to address Ron. A bad move, as this gave Harry the opportunity to lunge forward and shove his wand into the man's eye.

In the scuffle that involved Harry used many of the basic defence techniques he'd learnt under Snape's tutelage and put his untrimmed fingernails to great use, even managing to rip out the eye that didn't currently have a wand through it.

The Death Eater was blinded, and Harry was rather amused at having an eyeball at the end of his hand.

"Look Ginny, it's Mr Cyclops-Hand!" Harry said, thrusting the offending hand right in front of her face.

"Oh, please won't you just untie me, Harry," Ginny sobbed. "I'll do anything. I'll even let you take my virginity I was saving for Neville."

"Well, that's hardly an incentive to untie you, is it?" Ron asked, looking rather pleased with himself. Harry gave a massive roar of laughter and Ginny found herself crying again.

It was then that Draco Malfoy entered.

"Hello, I just heard there was a Death Eater hiding out here and thought I'd come help," he said.

"Wow, that's really great of you, Malfoy," Ron said, clapping him on the back. "Maybe I was wrong all these years about you being a snivelling maggot..."

Malfoy noticed the man rolling around moaning in agony and clutched his face.

"Damn," he muttered.

"Of course, I probably wasn't wrong," Ron added. "But all the same, it's sort of a nice gesture."

"Shut up and untie me!" Ginny shrieked. "We've got to hurry up and save Neville from Lavender Brown!"

"Look, Ginny," Ron said. "Neville's a big boy. He can take care of himself. And I'm sure Lavender wouldn't try and rape him or anything. She'd always make sure he was consenting."

"No, you ignorant boob! She's a werewolf. If we don't help him he'll be eaten!"

"Oh... cool?"

###

Neville may never have found out just how it would have gone had Ron suddenly not appeared from nowhere brandishing his gun like a lunatic, but he was willing to guess that he would not have wound up drowning in the lake.

It was a rather odd sensation. He'd been dropped in various large bodies of water before. His Great Uncle had done it at least twice a week back when he had thought Neville was a Squib. So the sensation of drowning was nothing new to him. All the same, he kicked and flailed as he had always done. Despite the number of times he'd wound up in a lake, swimming was still not Neville's strong suit.

But somehow he managed to haul himself out of the water again. He spat up water as he crawled across the floor, before he looked up into a pair of dark, soulless eyes that appeared to belong to a skeleton dressed in a black cloak and carrying a scythe.

"Oh no," he muttered.

MOST PEOPLE TEND TO REACT THAT WAY.

"That's not fair! I'm too pretty to die!"

I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK LIKE THAT. I COME TO ALL, SOONER OR LATER. IN THIS INSTANCE YOU MAY TAKE COMFORT, AS IT WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE LATER.

"What?"

AS WE SPEAK, YOUR... ASSOCIATES... ARE ATTEMPTING SOME RATHER INTERESTING NEGOTIATIONS.

"Oh, cool... So, what do we do until then? Do you have any deep and meaningful advice for me?"

The skeleton seemed to consider this for a moment.

NO.

"Can I talk to any of the dead people? You know, they might have some helpful hints on how to fight Voldemort."

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

"Well, how am I supposed to kill Voldemort if no one's going to tell me how? The guy is immortal, for Christ's sake!"

I WILL CLAIM TOM RIDDLE IN GOOD TIME. FOR NOW YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. YOU WOULD DO WELL TO REMEMBER THAT I AM THE ANGEL OF DEATH, WHO HAS TOTAL CONTROL OVER WHEN YOUR SOUL WILL DEPART THIS LAND AND WHETHER IT SHALL BE BOUND FOR THE BEAUTIFUL AND PEACEFUL CLOUDS OF HEAVEN OR THE FOUL SCREAMING ABYSS OF HADES. TRY NOT TO ANNOY ME FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES.

###

"Ron, quickly! Save him!" Ginny was shouting as Ron tried desperately to haul Neville out of the water. Sure, he'd swum all the time as a young child and he'd once hauled a tiny French girl out of the water, but a seventeen year old young man with as much muscle as Neville was a different matter entirely.

Eventually he managed to get Neville out of the water.

"Check his pulse! Is he breathing?" Ginny squealed. The boys were quite glad Hermione wasn't here, or she'd probably be even more hysterical. On the other hand, Hermione might have some vague idea what a pulse was.

"He's not breathing," Ron confirmed.

For a moment Harry, Ron and Malfoy all looked at each other.

"Ah well, such is life," Malfoy said. "I'm off for a spot of Firewhiskey before I go to bed and dream about the rest of you dying horribly painful deaths."

"We have to do something," Ginny snapped at him. She thought for a moment. "Wait! I remember something Hermione told me."

She rushed over to Neville, crouched down beside his body and grabbed his face before shoving it against her own chest. She waited for a moment.

"I don't understand. Hermione said this always works," Ginny wept.

Harry apparently had some ounce of decency in him, because he felt a little sad that Ginny was crying. So, he decided to try that CPR he'd seen in Muggle films a couple of times.

"Right, now I punch him really hard on the chest," he explained as he talked them all through it. He proceeded to give Neville three rather feeble punches. He then needed a minute to catch his breath.

"Now what?" Ron asked.

"Now someone has to snog him," Harry said. They all looked at each other expectantly.

"Well I'm bloody well not going to do it!" Malfoy snapped.

"I'll do it," Ginny said. "Sure, I always wanted my first kiss to be very romantic and everything, and even in my most desperate moments I wanted the boy to be conscious, but if it saves his life..."

Ginny knelt down beside Neville again. She glared at the boys.

"Do you mind?" she hissed. They all suddenly turned away to give her some privacy. Malfoy even made a break for it, but Ron hauled him back. All they heard in the next minute or so was a lot of moaning and lips smacking against each other.

"Harry, it didn't work. He didn't kiss me back. I don't think he likes me."

"Damn," Harry muttered. "I was just starting to like the git."

"Could we not take him to Dumbledore?" Malfoy asked. "I mean, you always run to Dumbledore when something like this goes wrong. Why can't we do it now?"

"Dammit, Malfoy!" Ron shouted, grabbing him by his robes and shaking him. "Think of something!"

Malfoy looked very upset at being shaken in this way, and muttered several things that hinted at this and also alluded to the promiscuous nature of Ron's mother. In the end he drew his wand, pointed it straight at Neville...

"Avada Kedavra!"

"HOW THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK?" Ron roared, smacking him over the head.

"Well, you never know!" Malfoy replied. "It's not like anyone's ever cast that spell on someone who's already dead. And it couldn't make him any more dead."

"Please, Neville," Ginny sobbed, pulling him tight against her. "Please wake up. I'll do anything."

"Even anal?" Harry asked.

"Look, he's quite clearly dead," Malfoy said. "Even offering sexual favours isn't going to bring him back."

"Hermione would. Sure, if the Grim Reaper was feeling randy she'd give him one, if it meant bringing Neville back..."

###

"Wait, where are you going?"

THAT IS, AS THEY SAY, MY CUE. HAVE A NICE LIFE.