Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling
The epic Neville Trilogy continues
NEVILLE DEXTEROUS
chapter nine
taylor swift is not amused
Neville couldn't remember the exact details of his birth, but he wondered if his young, underdeveloped brain could have processed how sweet taking that first breath was.
The second breath was not so sweet, as Ron had decided to give the CPR another go because Ginny was "inexperienced and obviously had no idea what she was doing."
Neville had not been conscious for her effort, but he couldn't imagine that it could possibly have been worse than him gagging on Ron's tongue.
"Oh joy, he's alive," Malfoy muttered sarcastically.
Ginny, showing strength none of them knew she had, grabbed Ron and hauled him off of Neville. Neville barely had time to recover before she had him on his back. Her kissing technique was perhaps not as aggressive as Ron.
Neville tried to get her off, but had a surprisingly strong grip. He tried to signal to Ron and Harry to help, but they seemed more amused than anything else.
Eventually it was Hermione who saved him. He was not pleased about this.
"Oh, Neville my darling," she said, having just rugby tackled Ginny. "I came as soon as I'd heard. Are you okay? Of course you're not. You're all wet. Here, I'll take off my robes and you can wear them. They're sort of dry."
"NO!" Ginny shrieked, shoving Hermione. "If Neville gets to wear anybody's clothes they'll be mine." The two girls began pulling their robes off, before trying to hand them to Neville.
There was a long silence as the four boys admired the view. Ginny tended to wear her school uniform underneath her robes, but Hermione apparently had not had time to change, and was instead clad only in a very small piece of material that presumably she slept in.
"Sweet Merlin, Hermione!" Ginny gasped. "That dress makes your boobs look fantastic." There was a moment while the men processed what Ginny had said.
"Ginny!" Ron exclaimed.
"What? I'm not a lesbian or anything, but just look at those girls. They're fantastic."
Unbelievably, Hermione actually flushed.
"Right, why don't you two keep your robes on," Neville said. "I'll borrow something from one of the fifty other Gryffindors you brought down with you."
Hermione had apparently kicked up quite a fuss when she'd found out Neville had nearly drowned. Most of the Gryffindor house had turned out, and by now a fair few of the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws had got the message as well.
"Oh no," Malfoy said. "Now they'll think I was helping you or something. My reputation will be ruined."
"Look everyone!" one of the particularly bright Hufflepuffs shouted. "Draco Malfoy's helping them! That means he must be on our side now!"
"Draco, oh how wonderful," Hermione gasped, rushing over to help him. Even the fact that she hadn't put her robes back on yet could not make Malfoy feel any better.
"Very commendable, Mr Malfoy." Oh, blast, it's Dumbledore. "You will, naturally, want to transfer to the Gryffindor House to cement your new-found allegiances."
"Oh hell no."
"Splendid," Dumbledore replied. "And now, Harry and Neville, I believe I shall need to speak with you both in my office. You may have a few minutes to speak to your respective love interests. This may take a while."
Harry apparently did not know who his love interest was supposed to be, because he turned to Ron and asked what the final score in the Cannons' match had been. Not that he cared, but he would feel awkward if he didn't talk to someone. Hermione was distracted by Malfoy, so Neville now had no protection from Ginny.
"I love you," she said, looking expectantly at him.
"Ginny, maybe we should talk over there," Neville said. "You know, where half the school can't hear us."
Neville's strategy of walking slightly out of earshot of most of the school was foiled when they worked out that they could hear everything better if they took a few steps to the right. One First Year in the middle was a bit slow on the uptake and was trampled to death.
"I love you," Ginny said again, the same expression never leaving her face.
"Look, Ginny, here's the thing," Neville began. "Right, the thing is... the thing..." He took a deep breath. Giving her a chance to speak was not a good idea.
"I love you."
"Ginny! Ginny. Ginny. Ginny."
"Oh, he's not handling this well, is he?" McGonagall said in a carrying whisper.
"Miss Weasley appears to be employing a rather good strategy," Flitwick confirmed.
"At this rate he'll have to ask her to marry him or he'll just look like a dick for dragging it out this long," Snape added.
"Ginny, you're a really great girl," Neville said, finding the words at last. "But, listen, the thing is I'm too young to go around saying stuff like that. I mean, I like you and all -."
"But you don't love me?" Ginny asked, her face falling. "B-b-but that day in the Great Hall... you looked at me and I-I-I could see how much you l-l-loved me!" Neville blinked.
"Ginny, that was just lust," Neville replied. "I'm a hormonal, sex-deprived teenage boy. I look at most girls that way sooner or later. In fact, I've been known to look at furniture like that."
The crowd ten feet to the left started whispering frantically, and Neville just knew that tomorrow morning there would be a story going around about how he'd dumped Ginny Weasley to date a coffee table instead.
"I really like you, but I just can't give you what you want," Neville concluded. "I hope we can still be friends." Ginny started to cry.
"Tell me why?" Ginny asked.
"Look, Ginny..."
"It's a love story, baby, just say yes!"
"What?"
"You're the reason for the teardrops on my guitar!"
"You don't have a guitar."
"Baby can't you see?" Ginny shrieked. "YOU BELONG WITH ME!" Neville grabbed her shoulders and shook them slightly.
"Ginny, you're not making any sense," he hissed.
"Well, you've broken my heart," Ginny sobbed. "I've fallen for this twice. First Harry strung me along, now you've done it too. Well, I'm not going to let any man play me for a fool again. I'm a lesbian now!"
"Ginny, you're not a lesbian."
"SHUT UP YOU DIRTY, SMELLY BOY!" She pulled back and slapped him. Many of the crowd cheered and clapped. She stormed up towards the castle as someone shouted, "You go girlfriend!" Neville stood there clutching his cheek.
Ron was the one who eventually offered to console him. He clapped him on the back a couple of times.
"Women are all mental, mate," he said diplomatically.
###
Neville didn't have much time to dwell on this though, because he and Harry were soon swept up and taken to Dumbledore's office. The old man offered them two seats. Neville wondered about how there always seemed to be just enough seats in the office. Perhaps Dumbledore had a cupboard somewhere where he kept all the armchairs he conjured but didn't need anymore.
"Harry," Dumbledore said at last. He looked across and appeared to notice Neville for the first time, because he jumped slightly in his seat. "Ron."
"Neville, sir," he said. "Ron's the redhead."
"Oh, then who was Head Boy?"
"Percy."
"Wasn't he one of the twins?"
"No. They were Fred and George."
"And then the parents were...?"
"Molly and Arthur. Look, sir, we're not here to discuss the Weasley family tree!"
"Oh, well, you were the one that brought it up," Dumbledore said. "Seems to me like you're very interested in the Weasleys. Particularly the youngest daughter. Am I right, Harry?"
Dumbledore and Harry high-fived, and, if the loud crack was anything to go by, the force was probably enough to break Dumbledore's old and feeble wrist. He said nothing though.
"Neville, let me give you a bit of advice," Dumbledore said. "You have to go for it while you still have your youth. I waited until I felt the time was right, but now I'm far too old to satisfy him sexually."
"Him, sir?" Harry asked. Dumbledore waved his broken hand, which flopped from side to side.
"My boyfriend," Dumbledore said. "German lad. Blonde hair, blue eyes and a stallion in bed. Anyway, take this advice from an old man."
Neville thought it best to just humour him in the hope that he might eventually get to the point. He just looked expectantly at Neville for a while.
It had been a whole five minutes since Dumbledore had said something. Even for him, that was an unusually long time to form words.
Neville lowered his head into his hands. The old man had gone and snuffed it.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked.
"The barmy old coot is dead," Neville groaned.
"Oh."
There was a long silence.
"I call dibs on his office. I've always wanted my own office."
Neville swore. The situation seemed to call for it, after all.
The Neville Trilogy will be concluded in
NEVILLE FALSUS