Chapter 5:

Diary POV

Dearest Dimitri,

I have been ordered to write down my feelings by the counsellor, but I couldn't think of anyone but you that I would ever share these things with. Maybe you can read this from heaven or something, I don't know.

It has been so hard, with you gone. I am so... angry at the world. They brought me back Dimitri, why couldn't they just let me stay out there with you? People I love are out there, Mason, Lissa's family, you. Sometimes I think that I left myself out there. How dare the guardians drag me back here? They can't force me to become a guardian.

How could Lissa re-enrol me? How could they spy on me? I hate them all. I hate this life, without you, I am alone. I am not as strong as you said I was, Comrade. I am so sad, so terribly sad here. But I have to be strong for you, don't I? I'm not very good at it, it just makes me mad. It's like I'm two people at the same time; I hate Lissa and Adrian and the others and I yell and scream at them but at the same time some part of me can see how unfair that is, I feel guilty for taking it out on them.

When I saw the counsellor, I almost laughed. He was nothing like you - Small, thin, fragile looking. Yet he tried to tell me I could count on him. The only person I count on is you, for him to compare himself to you was unbelievable. Did he give me Zen sayings and laugh at my insults? No Comrade, what he did was give me questions, and then if I answered he'd question my answer, if I insulted his questions he would question my insults. It was unbearable.

But my onetime assessment for re-enrolment has turned into something I have to do every second day, except Sundays – Of course they let me have Sunday for church. Why would I go to church now? I only ever went to watch you. It would just be more pain. I'm going to church on Sunday though, forever a masochist.

Right now I'm in my room and the whole school is asleep. I didn't go to school today, I stayed in my room. I don't want to raise the alarm with the guardians so I got up and went to the counsellor but I'm not going to pretend to these people who call me friend that I want to see them. I don't, ever. The guardians said I could have the day off, why would I go to lunch with them? I'm not hungry and I can't see the point in socialising. What are they going to say 'sorry for your loss'? Well I don't know who knows about this but I'm afraid to think it's only Lissa, Adrian, Christian and the guardians. I have pushed them away so I truly am alone.

I can't sleep yet. Dimitri... Why did Tasha call you Dimka? It doesn't suit you. You are strong too, you're stronger than me.

I need you. I can't survive on my own, I need someone. You understood me more than anyone, how can anyone understand this? It's impossible. But nobody's trying anyway, I'm alone. Lissa seems to think banging on the door has turned into a new type of communication, but it doesn't matter. I don't want to see her.

Everything has fallen apart. You can't just leave me. Just don't leave me. But you have. I found you just to find you gone. There was a way, I'm sure. You could have been healed. But it is too late now.

My life is gone, just as you are.

But I won't stop loving you,

Rose.

Remember me as I was and I'll in turn remember you as the dhampir you were.

A/N: Please review even though it's crazy.