DISCLAIMER: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling.
The Neville Trilogy thunders towards its cataclysmic conclusion at breakneck pace
NEVILLE FALSUS
chapter two
what women want
Malfoy was not enjoying life as a Gryffindor. He could not imagine how anyone could possibly stand this. People insisted on helping him with his essays whether he wanted it or not, and suddenly his grades were better than ever. Beautiful Gryffindor and Ravenclaw girls were suddenly throwing themselves at him. It was like living in hell.
Also, Professor Snape was mean to him, and had reduced him to tears during a Potions lesson. Sure, all the other teachers gave him House Points for being able to sit the right way in a chair when he was a Gryffindor, but what was the point if your favourite Professor now regarded you like something unpleasant he'd stepped in?
Malfoy only had one option. He would seek help from the most powerful wizard in the world.
The Death Eaters were reluctant to let him into the Dark Lord's secret base. The Dark Lord's servants weren't exactly known for their intelligence, and didn't seem to recognise Malfoy at all. When he whacked them over the head sharply with a walking stick, they vaguely seemed to recall someone similar looking who used to whack them over the head with such objects, and so they let him in.
Then he had the small matter of convincing the most powerful dark wizard who had ever lived that he needed a schoolboy with no real skills or influence in his army.
"Draco Malfoy," the Dark Lord said from his Throne of Skulls. The Dark Lord had apparently decided when designing his secret base that he didn't care if his Throne Room was not particularly welcoming. So, naturally he had decided that the room ought to be only dimly lit by a few candles and he needed a throne comprised entirely of human skulls. It didn't look particularly comfortable, but Malfoy guessed that he must have at least got the Death Eaters to file down a bit flat enough for him to plant his evil arse on without anything sticking into him.
"What brings you to my fortress?" he asked. Malfoy looked around. He could make out a lot of men in hoods, but with such dim lighting he probably wouldn't have recognised them even if they weren't wearing masks.
"I am here to pledge my allegiance to the cause," Malfoy replied, dropping down onto one knee.
"Interesting," the Dark Lord said. He placed a hand to his chin as if thinking about it. Malfoy did not find it particularly interesting. Surely everyone in the world had no doubt whatsoever that Lucius Malfoy would raise his son with this one moment in mind. "And what can a useless Gryffindor offer the Dark Lord?"
"I offer information," Malfoy said. "The fools trust me with their most intimate secrets. I can be your spy." Voldemort seemed amused.
"Well, what secrets might these be?" he asked. Malfoy thought for a moment.
A long, horrifying moment in which he remembered that the Gryffindors were all incompetents who never talked about anything that actually mattered.
"Well, Parvati Patil has been fooling around with Cho Chang behind Seamus Finnigan's back," Malfoy said. The Dark Lord did not react at all. Malfoy struggled to think of anything else. Anything.
"You do realise how dangerous it will be if you become my spy?" Voldemort asked, thankfully breaking the silence. "Even if you continue to bring me such... juicy... information as this, I will not be... nice to you. Only one Gryffindor has ever joined my army before, and I make sure to torture him at least three times a day. I even broke him out of Azkaban so I'd have something to play with." He gestured to Wormtail, who was cowering at the foot of the Throne of Skulls. He winced.
"My Lord, do you ever think that maybe you need to work on your motivational techniques?" Malfoy asked. "I don't mean to criticise your management style, but you don't exactly encourage your employees to do well, given that either way they'll be horribly tortured." The Dark Lord just stared at him.
"Run along, Mr Malfoy," he said. "Do not return without real information for me otherwise I will subject you to punishments too gruesome to waste on Wormtail."
Wormtail gave Malfoy an encouraging thumbs up before he left.
###
Neville soon decided that his wooing technique required some work. So he turned to the library, which had a surprising number of self-help books about teenage romance (all of which seemed to have been checked out by Ginny at some point, including those with titles such as Wooing Witches for Dummies).
It would have been very embarrassing to be seen reading such books though, so when reading them he hid them within a copy of Hogwarts, A History. This had the advantage of making him look smart in front of the sexy, sexy Ravenclaw girls.
He was reading through Getting Into Your Witch's Knickers at the moment. Some of the advice seemed so obvious really, but he'd never thought about it.
Girls like to be complimented. They often don't care how rubbish the compliment is, or how shallow you seem. Just be sure not to overload the girl with compliments, otherwise she begins to think you're some sort of weirdo.
He was sitting in the library when he turned to Lavender Brown.
"Lavender, your hair looks very nice today," he said. Lavender giggled.
"Thank you, Neville," she said, before turning back to her work. Neville felt a bit annoyed. Was all he was going to get a meaningless thank you? She could have at least returned the favour.
"And your eyes are pretty."
"Um, thanks again."
"Your outfit makes you look lovely."
"Neville, what are you doing?
"Your breasts are epic."
Lavender stood up. "I think I'll go and sit with some of the fourth years, actually," she said. Neville thumped his head against the desk. How could someone so beautiful be so useless with girls?
Ask them how they're feeling. Girls love it when guys listen to them prattle on about every inconsequential detail of their meaningless lives. Make sure to listen to everything they say.
Neville unfortunately tried this on Hermione, who proceeded to talk about every aspect of her life, including the strain of being in love with Harry, who was being a complete prat and refusing to acknowledge that he still loved her. Neville did not particularly enjoy Hermione talking about Harry for an hour straight, and it felt like she never even needed to pause for breath. In the end he zoned out and just decided to stare down her top. Yes, he knew they were probably fake, but although that took away some of the appeal they were still breasts.
Which brought into play another part of the book.
Don't stare at her breasts. For some reason, women tend not to appreciate this as much as you'd think.
Drat.
Girls sometimes go for bad boys, especially if they delude themselves into thinking that they can change them.
Professor McGonagall decided it would be fairly easy to change Neville's new bad boy image when he started smoking in the Entrance Hall. She would take one hundred points from Gryffindor.
Buy her gifts. Girls like expensive things. Bonus points if they are shiny and can be worn or if they smell nice.
Neville presented Luna with a beautiful bouquet of roses. She promptly ripped the roses from his grasp and began screaming.
"Quick, these flowers are infested with Flesh-Eating Gorbles!" she shrieked. "We have to destroy them at once!" He proceeded to set the flowers on fire, paying no mind to how many galleons they had cost Neville. Some girls were more trouble than they were worth, it seemed.
Be romantic and spontaneous. Surprise her with a romantic, candlelit dinner.
He was not sure why exactly he had thought that Pansy Parkinson would be wooed by a candlelit dinner on top of the Astronomy Tower. The candles blew over and set her robes on fire, which was probably the high point of the evening.
"I'm fed up with men," Pansy told him. "After Malfoy turned out to be a Muggle-lover, I think I'll just give up on them. I'm off to see if Cho Chang and Parvati Patil have room for one more."
The image that statement implanted in his brain kept Neville warm that night. Despite being a Slytherin, Pansy was incredibly hot. He imagined that Malfoy was fairly upset at the whole incident that resulted in him becoming a Gryffindor against his will.
Neville couldn't help but be depressed. It wasn't about getting Ginny off of his back anymore. It was embarrassing how bad he seemed to be at charming girls.
He was just thumping his table against the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall when Ron sat down beside him.
"Women, eh Ron?" Neville asked. Ron chuckled.
"Yeah," he said. He was silent for a moment. "Actually, no, what about them?"
"They're confusing, mysterious things," Neville said. "The girls I actually try to get to like me, like Loony Lovegood, all want nothing to do with me, but the girl I've repeatedly rejected is still stalking me."
"Hi Ginny," Ron said, waving at his sister. He seemed totally unconcerned when she didn't return the wave. "What can I say? Women are all mental mate. But I still miss my girlfriends."
"I was very sorry to hear what happened to Esmeralda, Lady Tropicana and Avril," Neville said, patting Ron on the knee. "But I'm sure that's how they would have wanted to go."
"Maybe we're just doomed to never find love." Ron looked thoughtful, or at least what passed for thoughtful with Ron. "How about, if neither of us are married by the time we're forty, we could get together?"
Neville did not even pretend to consider it. He told Ron exactly where to stick that idea.