DISCLAIMER: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling

The Neville Trilogy thunders towards its cataclysmic conclusion at breakneck pace

NEVILLE FALSUS

chapter four

it happened one night

Sirius and Remus had been drinking heavily. This, in itself, is not a particularly unusual activity for two unemployed thirty-something men to get up to on a Wednesday night. Nor was it particularly unusual for them to sneak into Hogwarts in this inebriated state. They did it quite often to do unpleasant things to Snape while he slept. The greasy git hadn't changed the password to his own rooms in ten years.

Tonight, however, they decided to pay a visit to the Gryffindor Tower. Right now they were drinking beers at the end of the bed of Sirius's godson.

"This is quite depressing," Remus said.

"What? Surely you don't think we're too old for stuff like this?" Sirius asked. Remus shook his head.

"No, it's just that two drunk men managed to get here," Remus said. Sirius looked confused, so Remus decided to explain. "Lord Voldemort, the most powerful Dark Wizard who has ever lived, wants to kill this boy. If two drunk men can get past the castle's defences and stand in the lad's room drinking beers for ten minutes without anyone noticing, what hope has he got if Lord Voldemort finally gets off of his pale, skinny arse and tries this?" Sirius took a moment to consider this.

"Do you want to do something to his face?" Sirius asked. Remus sighed and shook his head.

"What words did you have in mind?"

Sirius grabbed his quill, and proceeded to write dirty words all over his godson's face.

"Very clever," Remus said once Sirius had finished. "I particularly like the comments about his Potions Professor. That won't lose him a million points or anything."

"Don't get snippy with me, Moony," Sirius replied, swaying slightly on the spot. "It was your idea to come up here rather than go visit Snape."

"Well, we don't check in on the kid enough," Remus pointed out. "To see how he's getting on. He's the one that has to kill Voldemort, after all."

"Why's that?" Sirius asked.

"Well, he's the Chosen One, isn't he?"

"Really? Was there some sort of prophecy or something?"

"Nope."

"Did Dumbledore tell you, then?"

"Nope."

"Well, what in Merlin's name makes you think he's the Chosen One then?"

"Werewolf intuition."

"Werewolf intuition?"

"Yes, exactly.

There was a long pause, before Sirius took another drink.

"Moony, I know that's bullshit. Now, come on and help me stick Weasley's hand in warm water."

"Do you think he has any idea?" Remus asked once they were done.

"Nope. He's still sound asleep," Sirius replied with a giggle.

"Not Weasley! Harry. Do you think he has any idea how to beat Voldemort?"

Sirius took a long moment to think.

"If he's the Chosen One then we're all boned, aren't we Moony?"

###

"My Lord! My Lord!" Wormtail shouted, running forward waving a bit of parchment in his hands. "An owl from the Malfoy boy!"

"Crucio!" the Dark Lord hissed, not even looking up. He grabbed the note from Wormtail's hands as he rolled around in agony. The Dark Lord found he enjoyed reading more when he had a bit of background noise.

As he read a demonic grin spread across his face.

"Good news, my servants," he announced, rising from his chair. "Apparently, young Master Malfoy was lying awake in his dorm when a drunken Sirius Black and Remus Lupin arrived, and described in elaborate detail how they had infiltrated the castle. Apparently, if we hurry, we'll get to see the amusing things they've written on Potter's face. Come now my servants." He booted the still shrieking Wormtail while he said this. "Tonight we march on Hogwarts!"

###

While he was up, Malfoy figured he ought to tell Ginny that her potion was done. She was appallingly pleased to see him.

They had to go down to the Potions lab to add the finishing touches to it. Ginny promptly drunk the whole potion and totally ignored every single warning Malfoy tried to give her. Thankfully, her hair did not catch fire and she did not suddenly start spewing purple vomit, as had happened with several of the previous less-successful batches.

Instead she quickly developed a pair of perfectly formed breasts.

"Oh Merlin," Ginny muttered in awe. She began to cup and play with them, finding them just a bit too big to wrap her small hands around. "Oh, they're perfect. Thank you so much, Draco!"

"Eh?" Malfoy asked. Needless to say, he was not paying much attention to whatever Ginny was saying.

"I can wear a bra now," Ginny said, apparently still talking. "They feel so real too." She gave them a squeeze for good measure. "Here, have a feel, Draco."

"What? Wait, what are you doing you filthy blood trait-."

He was suddenly silenced as Ginny grabbed his hands and forced him to grope her new breasts against his will.

Malfoy had never heard of Murphy's Law. It was a Muggle thing. But he had often felt it in action. He knew from experience that when you have your hands on a girl's chest is the exact moment that the most powerful dark wizard who has ever lived chooses to enter. Pansy Parkinson had been quite upset when it had happened at the Manor a few summers ago, and now Ginny Weasley looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Of course, being a wizard, Malfoy had no idea what headlights were.

"Ah, excellent," the Dark Lord said. "Young Master Malfoy has already claimed his own spoils of war!" He clapped his hands together. "Personally, if I had first dibs I might choose someone not quite so... plain... but I always enjoy watching my Death Eaters enslave a girl against her will, even if she does look a bit... a bit... Well, you know."

Ginny, meanwhile, had removed Malfoy's hands and was now squaring up to the Dark Lord.

"Can I help you, young wench?" he asked.

"Do you remember me?" Ginny asked. The Dark Lord looked a little stumped.

"Should I?"

"In my first year, you tried to kill me," Ginny hissed.

"Yes, well, I try to kill a lot of people, so don't take it personally."

"You possessed me. Hell, you practically mind raped me." The Dark Lord looked a bit taken aback.

"You'd think I'd remember something like that," he said. He turned to the Death Eaters standing behind him as if hoping one of them might explain it to him.

"You left me a diary," Ginny said. "You made me trust you."

"Ah, the diary!" he exclaimed. "I thought I'd lost it."

"Well, Harry destroyed it. And he killed your basilisk."

"Oh, no, not Fluffy," the Dark Lord moaned. "I got the name from Hagrid," he explained to the perplexed looking Death Eaters (it is a very intriguing skill to be able to look perplexed whilst wearing a mask that conceals your entire face, but the Death Eaters were masters of their art).

"So, will you be joining our assault against the unsuspecting students of Hogwarts?" the Dark Lord asked.

"Absolutely not!" Ginny snapped. "In fact, I'm off to warn Neville that you're coming." She made to storm out, but was blocked by the entrance of Professor Severus Snape.

"What is going on here?" he demanded. "Students out of bed? That'll be twenty points each from Gryffindor. And someone has destroyed by door! Nott, I'll be taking five points from Slytherin for this!"

"Oh, that's not fair," one of the Death Eaters complained. "It wasn't me, it was the Dark Lord!"

"Well, I'm hardly going to try and take House Points off of a man who could kill me with a flick of his wrist. Now get to bed or it'll be twenty!"