DISCLAIMER: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling.

The Neville Trilogy thunders towards its cataclysmic conclusion at breakneck pace

NEVILLE FALSUS

chapter five

hufflepuff is just fancy talk for cannon fodder

The Hufflepuff table was fairly empty the next morning.

"What do you think happened to them all?" Ron asked.

"Well, if I had to guess, I'd say that the Dark Lord attacked Hogwarts and got lost looking for the Gryffindor Tower, so just destroyed the nearest House he could find," Malfoy said.

"Oh," Ron said, taking a sip of Pumpkin Juice. "Cool."

"Wait a second," Hermione said, showing the sort of quick-thinking that had not been evident since the rapid increase in her bust size. "How do you know about all of this?" Malfoy visibly started to sweat.

"Er, um... Mandy Brocklehurst told me," he replied.

"Really? Mandy said that?" Hermione asked, sounding impressed.

"What do you think of all this, Harry?" Ron asked. Harry looked up from where he was trying to make his breakfast look like his own face, with a tomato carved up with a knife for the scar.

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"We've been talking about it for five minutes now. The entire Hufflepuff House was murdered by Lord Voldemort," Hermione said.

"Oh, him, yeah. Real shame about that," Harry said. "He killed my parents, you know?"

"Yes, you mention it at least twelve times a day," Neville said wearily. "So what are we going to do?"

"What do you mean?" Harry asked.

"You know. We do this every week. First you get some idea into your head about hunting down Voldemort or whatever and then you form the most half-baked plan ever, but you'll give up by lunchtime when you realise that no one gives a shit."

"Well, I think we should definitely hunt him down," Harry said, tossing his breakfast onto the floor. Ron tried to be subtle about moving towards it, though in truth he wasn't fooling anyone.

"Hey guys, how's things?"

Ginny had arrived, having conveniently forgotten to do up the top few buttons on the blouse of her school uniform which just happened to show off some newly acquired assets. Harry turned around.

"Oh, Ginny, could you be quiet for a bit?" he asked. He seemed utterly unconcerned that in his current position his face was practically embedded in Ginny's newly found cleavage.

"Well, don't you notice anything different about me?" she asked hopefully, managing to nudge a little bit further forward. Harry's response was muffled by the chest that had been pressed into his face.

"Ginny, would you go away?" Ron demanded. "Important people are talking here!"

"Oh, you are always so mean to me!" Ginny shrieked, her eyes glistening with tears. "This is exactly why I unlocked the Chamber of Secrets! Tom cared about me! He was always happy to see me!"

"He was the spirit of a sixteen year old boy trapped inside a diary with no one to talk to for fifty years," Ron pointed out. "He'd talk to anyone, no matter how dull their life was."

"I hate you!" Ginny screamed. She ran out of the Great Hall crying. Neville had spent the whole conversation with his mouth hanging open admiring the vision of loveliness that had appeared before him. How had Ginny suddenly become so hot overnight? This sort of stuff didn't normally happen (except that one time summer when Neville had become suddenly the most gorgeous thing on legs, but even that had taken longer than a night). He made to get up and go after her, but Ron chose that moment to wrap his arm around Neville's shoulder and hold him down.

"Let us attack at once!" Harry proclaimed, rising out of his chair.

"Do you even know where we're going?" Hermione asked. Harry promptly sat back down.

"Fine, let's play chess instead," Harry said. He helped himself some more toast.

"Yes, but if we don't go and defeat the Dark Lord, then you won't have an excuse not to have to take your end of year exams," Neville said. Harry's eyes widened.

"We'll find a way then. Even if it's the last thing we ever do. We won't sleep until we have a plan." He looked about for a moment. "Actually, I'm pretty tired and I think Ron may have already fallen asleep, but Hermione definitely won't rest until we have a plan."

###

Hermione actually managed to come up with a plan very quickly. The only problem was that Harry was fairly upset as to what it would entail.

"Why do I have to go ask the hook-nosed git?" he grumbled. "He actually likes Malfoy. Send him."

Malfoy voiced his desire to have nothing to do with their plan by telling Harry where he could stick his head and then expire. McGonagall took three points from Gryffindor for that, leaving Malfoy looking rather pleased.

"You're the only one who can persuade him, Harry," Hermione urged. "Yes, I could go in there and let him feel up my breasts and then tell him I'll go to the Board of Governors if he doesn't help us, but I really think that he ought to come of his own accord." Harry's face seemed to twitch.

"Can I feel up your breasts then?" Harry asked.

"No, Harry."

"Can I?" Ron asked.

"Absolutely not, Ron!" Hermione scolded.

"I don't like this plan," Ron announced, crossing his arms and huffing. "It seems to me like any decent plan would at least let someone get to feel up a pair of breasts."

Harry was not happy about it and he made it very clear as Hermione led him down to Snape's office. She left him outside the door with a peck on the cheek and took Ron back upstairs with her. Harry took a deep breath before knocking.

"You may enter," sounded the silky smooth voice of Professor Snape. Apparently he was grading essays.

"Oh, it's you," he said when Harry had entered. "Well, go on. Get out or I'll start taking points from Gryffindor."

"Sir," Harry began (Hermione had stressed the importance of being polite to Snape and resisting the temptation to call him names, insult his intelligence or moon him). "I need your help. I want to know where Lord Voldemort's secret fortress is hidden." Snape put down the quill he had been writing with and looked at Harry.

"Very good, Mr Potter," Snape said. "I shall, of course, be happy to betray the Dark Lord's location to you so that you may walk straight into his open arms where he can properly choke the very last living breath out of you. I'm sure the Dark Lord won't mind at all if I betray him."

"Hey, he won't kill me," Harry replied sternly, doing his best to look menacing. "I'm Harry Potter. I can handle a few dark wizards." Snape did not look amused.

"Let me ask you, Potter, if you have given any thought to what you will do with this information, should I choose to present it to you? Will you march up to the castle and knock on the front door pretending to be Muggles delivering Chinese food?"

"Actually, that's not a bad plan," Harry agreed. Snape made a noise that Harry took to indicate disgust. "What?"

"This is the most powerful dark wizard who has ever lived. You cannot simply walk into his fortress. His gates are guarded by more than just Death Eaters."

"Like what else?" Snape sighed.

"Merlin, Potter, is there no end to your incompetence? I'm talking about vampires, werewolves, dragons, trolls, goblins, orcs, giants, zombies, knolls, cylons, hobgoblins, minotaurs, furies, hellhounds, ghouls, ghosts, poltergeists, The Riddler, gremlins, banshees, Dementors, demons and anything else your feeble mind can think of. To put it in terms you can understand, you have no chance!" He slammed his hand on the desk for good measure. "I've been training you for months now, and I honestly still wouldn't trust you know which end to hold on a sword. The Dark Lord will defeat you and kill you, if you ever make it that far! Now five points from Gryffindor for be such an incompetent, useless excuse for a Chosen One."

Snape went back to marking the essays, but Harry was not ready to give up. He strode over to the desk and slammed his hands on the table.

"Right, you need to start giving me some respect around here," Harry shouted. Snape rose to his feet and glared at him.

"Alright, Mr Potter," he said smoothly. "I know for a fact that you carry five throwing knives in that bag of yours. If you can manage to hit me with any of them from a distance of two meters then I will come with you." Snape stepped back so that his back was up against the bookshelf that housed many of his prized Potions ingredients. Harry drew out his knives.

As Snape had obviously anticipated, Harry did not hit him once. He did, however, manage to nail both of his own feet to the floor.

"Typical," Snape sneered. "Just like your father."

"Why did you hate my father so much?" Harry demanded. He was in a lot of pain right now, and he was determined to blame it on Snape rather than his own poor aim. "And I don't buy into any of this, 'we always hated each other from the start' crap that you and Sirius keep spouting."

Snape suddenly spun around to face the wall. He seemed to think for a while.

"Have you ever been in love, Mr Potter?" he asked eventually, not turning around.

"Huh? Well, I thought I was. You know; Hermione." Snape suddenly spun around.

"I was in love once, Potter. Does that surprise you?" Snape seemed to stare dreamily into space. "But our love was something else. Our love was special." A dark look suddenly swept over his face. "But my love was more interested in your father. So you see, your father took my love from me."

"Oh, I get it," Harry said. "You hated my dad because my mum loved him instead of you."

"Absolutely not!" Snape roared, suddenly looking disgusted. "I would never love a filthy Mudblood."

"Then... who?"

Snape gave a dreamy sigh.

"I was in love with Wormtail."

"Oh God."

"Oh, I remember those days," Snape said, paying no attention to Harry. "When he and I would lie in the moonlight making love. But he left me to follow your father about. Your father never understood him like I did. He taunted and abused poor Wormtail. He treated him like a lapdog. That was why I became a Death Eater. So that I could free my beloved from the tyrannous grasp of your father."

"And then what happened?" Harry asked, having just been sick in his school bag. He really had no desire to find out, but he figured this was the way to convince Snape to hand over the information he needed.

"Then Wormtail defected, and it all went downhill. Suddenly the Dark Lord was torturing him constantly. I had to do something. So I offered to spy for Dumbledore, so I could save him from the evil wizard."

"But Voldemort still abuses Wormtail all the time. If you help us then you'll be able to save him." Snape looked up at him. He had a desperate look in his eye that Harry found very disturbing.

"Anything to save my Wormy-Wormy-Woo," Snape said. Harry felt something rising in his stomach again, and this time vomited soundly in Snape's wastepaper basket.

"Splendid," he muttered.