Previously…

I turned and went back out, through to the kitchen out of the window. I looked back over my shoulder to see Bella stood by the window, her arms crossed menacingly. But when I met her eyes, they were still sad. Like they had been earlier. Always sad.

I smiled slightly, hoping to cheer her up, but she just scowled and me and flounced back to her friends. I couldn't think of anything I could have done to irritate her so much but there was definitely something to be said for cold receptions and cold shoulders. And what was that phrase? Oh yeah, if looks could kill… well, I had just been killed by the girl I wanted to make me feel alive. How very ironic.

"Smiles are like Band-Aids; they cover up the pain but it's still there" - thequotewhore (follow her on twitter… she posts some awesome little quotes :))

Taking Chances

Chapter 3 – Wishes That Will Never Come True

Bella POV

I had two classes with Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen was the boy with the gorgeous eyes and the jaw that I wanted to lick. Someone was clearly trying to torture me by placing me in close proximity to him. Or maybe they were trying to be nice for once. I mean, I had every excuse to speak to him; I'd be sat next to him in Biology every day for weeks on end. But, for some reason, I was scared of speaking to him. And, okay, I hadn't spoken to him, but he hadn't introduced himself either. And it wasn't like I could speak to him in gym from up on the bleachers.

I had watched him all through gym, holding my book in front of my face so that if he happened to look up then I could cast my eyes down and it would look like I was reading. But for as long as he didn't look up, I watched him like my eyes were glued to him. He was good at sport, not clumsy like I was. He could volley the ball with precision that was so good that it was almost painful to watch. He won every game he played, though he didn't seem to be aware of it. Or, if he was, he was used to winning.

He only looked up at me once in the entire period so I could ogle him for the vast majority of the period. At the end, I watched as he helped pack away the nets, my eyes fixed firmly on his ass. I was being a pervert, I won't lie.

Suddenly a voice cut through my perving. "Hey, B, what cha' up to?"

I blushed. "Nothing," I lied.

"You were checking him out weren't you?" Em grinned sadistically and then sang, "Bella was checking Cullen out."

"I was not!" I hissed. "I'm reading."

He pointed at me and said, "Denial," as per Finding Nemo, before saying, "B. Your book is upside down. Plus, I've been watching you all period and your eyes have been fixed on his ass like your life depends on it."

My blush deepened. "Okay, so maybe I was looking at the new guy, but, c'mon Em, everyone likes new things."

He chuckles. "You want to play with our school's new toy then huh?" His voice was thick with implications.

I hit his shoulder. "You're a moron."

"And you're a pervert."

I scowled but didn't deny it. "Point taken."

He laughed again. "So I'll go get changed. You go find Jasper and get the stash and I'll meet you at the den, right?"

I nodded and threw my book into my bag. "Right."

Then we went our separate ways; I went behind the bike sheds to fill my bag with some of our stash before heading out to find Jasper. He was waiting by his bike. I smiled as I loped to his side. "You've got my helmet, right?"

He rolled his eyes. "I always have your helmet."

I pulled the seat open and ditched my bag inside. Then Jasper leant over and closed the seat for me, purposefully brushing close enough to whisper, "Of course I have your helmet. Your head is probably a magnet for the road and I'm not going to take a chance that might result in you being smeared over a road."

Go ahead, I thought, it's not like it'd make much difference.

I liked taking chances. It was good to be impulsive, take chances. They gave you opportunities to laugh, and live. Taking chances and doing things was better than holding back and existing rather than living.

But I could hardly shrug it off like I didn't care if I was smeared all over the road – even if I didn't – because it would result in questions and rumours. So I swatted at him and giggled instead.

Jasper rolled his eyes and grabbed the black helmet off of the front of the motorcycle before slotting it over my head. My hair was in the way of the strap and he reached over to move it away, but I pushed his hand away quickly before he could get close to it. I lifted my hand and pushed the lose strands out of the way, trying not to think about what would happen if Jasper revealed that I was wearing a wig in the freaking parking lot. It was highly unlikely that it would actually come off, since I could even wear it in bed without it budging an inch but, still… I wasn't taking that chance.

Jazz climbed onto the front of the bike and patted the seat behind him and I clambered on as he strapped his own helmet around his chin. "Hold on tight," he muttered as he went to start the engine. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tightly, pressing my cheek to his left shoulder blade with a smile.

Then he revved the engine and manoeuvred the bike out of the lot. Once we were away from the prying eyes of responsible adults, he revved it again and we shot along the roads, weaving in and out of cars at high speeds. The rush was exhilarating. I loved riding on Jasper's bike; it made me feel so alive. It made me feel free as opposed to how trapped I usually felt.

We stopped off at Jasper's house for a while so that he could run inside to get the weed he had saved for today, and then were on our way again.

After a while we came to the forest where the den was. Jazz drove the bike carefully through some of the forest – even though he wasn't technically allowed to – but it wasn't long before we were forced to go on foot. Jazz pushed the bike to the usual place he left it in – underneath a tarpaulin by a big rock – and then dropped our helmets beside his baby before taking my bag out of the back of it and then grabbing my hand.

We talked about our separate afternoons as we walked to the den. I tried to seem interested in what he was saying but really my mind was far away. In fact, it was lingering on Edward Cullen and his mighty fine ass.

"Does your Mom know you were staying out with us?" I heard Jasper ask.

I shrugged. "I told her I might do. She said she'd call me but I didn't tell her that I don't have my phone." I thought a little wistfully of my BlackBerry sat on my desk in my bedroom. But I was okay, I could survive without it.

Jazz raised his eyebrows. "My mom would flip out. She'd probably think that there was something wrong with me. Apparently normal teenagers are supposed to use their phones religiously."

"Jasper. Your mom's a therapist; she tries to find something wrong with everyone." I didn't like seeing Jasper's mom, Siobhan. She was trained to work out the inner tunings of teenager's minds and I was always terrified that she would work out that I was miserable and attempt to get me to tell her everything. That was why I didn't spend much time at Jazz's house. He was perceptive enough, but his mom was like six times worse.

"True," Jasper noted as the den came into sight.

The den was an ancient abandoned cottage that Emmett and Jasper had found while playing in the woods as kids. They had instantly claimed it as their den and then, when I had become friends with them and James, I had been invited into their home. It was wonderful. We spent a lot of time there because there was no one within hearing distance so we could say whatever the hell we wanted with no fear of it being heard. And we could smoke weed with no one smelling it. And we could get away from our parents for a while and they wouldn't ever find us. We had even bought a microwave between the three of us so that we could heat food to eat. The den had a lot of benefits.

Just then, Emmett appeared in the window that had been smashed to give us easier access into the building. "Hurry up, guys!"

We laughed and started running over the damp ground toward the den, the light drizzle coating our faces.

"Jeez, what took you so long?" Em complained. "I've been freezing my butt off in here for ages. And I got into a fight with the blonde before we even left school!"

"The blonde?" I asked as I climbed through the window.

Jasper hopped in behind me.

"Yeah, Rosa-whatever. It might be Rosaline, or maybe Rosalie, or maybe Rosalynn. Something like that."

"What happened?" I wondered, leading the way through to the living room that we usually sat in.

He shrugged. "I walked into her or something and she got into a bit of a freak out because I broke her make-up; foundation or some shit like that."

I snorted. "She'll soon learn that foundation is useless in a place that always rains. Where did they even move from anyway?"

"Chicago," Jasper replied.

Em and I looked at him questioningly. We all flopped onto the thin, damp carpet in our usual circle.

He shrugged. "The little girl, Alice, had a free last period too and she looked a little lost. I walked her to the library because she couldn't find it and… I dunno, it came up."

"What's she like?" I asked.

Jazz wrung his hands together. "She's in our Spanish class, you know. She told me. She's nice. She talks a lot. Kind of hyper. She was all bouncy and talked at the speed of light, no kidding. She seemed nice though. She's quite pretty too. And she said that…"

Emmett cut him off. "You're fucking kidding me!"

Jazz and I looked at him, confused.

"You two have both got the hots for the new kids! What, am I supposed to bang the blonde as well? Jeez, you're gonna ditch me for the novelties!"

Jasper looked even more confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You! Man, you so like the pixie girl!"

"What? No I don't."

"You so do," Em argued. "And Bella. Sheesh, she must be pretty sexually deprived to look at a guy with that much want."

Jazz looked at me in astonishment. "Bella?"

Em laughed. "She spent the whole of gym checking out Cullen's ass. She looked like she was trying hard not to fucking orgasm from just looking at him."

I scowled. "I was not! I was just looking at him!" I hit Emmett. "You're an ass."

"Ah, but you love me for it." He winked at me.

Jasper poked my arm. "So… Edward, isn't it? You got the hots for Edward Cullen?"

I sighed. When I spoke my voice was hushed even though I knew that there was no one within hearing distance. "I dunno. He's nice to look at, I guess. He has a nice ass. And pretty eyes." And I kind of wanted to lick his jaw.

"Pretty eyes?" Em snorted. "No one cares about eyes, B."

"Yeah," I said, pretending to agree, "you guys are all about the racks." I gestured to my chest.

Emmett and Jasper howled with laughter at my words and I rolled my eyes. Boys.

Just then, there was a crack from behind me. My head whipped round and I met a pair of alarmed green eyes that send a jolt through my girly parts. He was so beautiful… Then it sunk in. The boy I had just been gushing about – sort of – was stood in the doorway nosing in on our conversation. In our den. He could have heard what I was saying about him.

I jolted to my feet. "What the fuck are you doing here?" My voice was sharper than I had intended it to be.

Edward's eyes widened and he stuttered "I… uh… um…"

"Get out," I snapped, going over to his side. I ignored the way my rapidly-pulsing blood fizzed with the excitement of being so close to him. "Cullen, isn't it?" I feigned ignorance.

He nodded, his eyes scared. His jaw was locked shut.

"Well, this place is already taken. Go find somewhere else to hang out, asshat." I was being harsh, I knew, but his appearance did funny things to my common sense. When I say 'funny things', I mean that his eyes, and jaw, and… well, his face in general clean threw my sense out of the window.

He turned and headed back the way he had come without another word. I followed behind him and stood in the window, watching his pretty ass walk away. He turned back and smiled at me, and the smile made my knees melt. In that moment, I hated him for being so unattainable. In that moment, I hated everything. I hated leukaemia for existing, and I hated it for targeting me. I hated life for being so unfair and dangling this gorgeous, beautiful boy in front of me when I couldn't have him. I couldn't have him simply because I could never do that to him. I couldn't start a proper relationship because relationships were based on trust, and I would never be able to trust anyone enough to tell them that I was dying. Because, no matter how much I pretended to be brave, deep down I was terrified of the looming prospect, and telling anyone made it seem that much more real. And even if I did ever manage to trust someone – or even Edward – enough to tell them, then I couldn't ever drag them into my life of sickness, and sadness and I definitely couldn't expect them to stay with me. Plus, what if what had happened in Arizona happened again? I didn't think that I could bear to go through that another time.

So I scowled at him when he smiled at me. I glared after him when he wasn't really the one that deserved my anger and hatred.

Then I turned and left the kitchen, leaning against the wall when I rounded the corner and pressing the back of my head against the cold stone, breathing heavily, tears pricking my eyes.

It was so unfair. If I was just a normal girl then the worst that could happen if I fancied a boy like Edward was that he could turn me down. Maybe he'd tell everyone and I'd be a little embarrassed but even that wasn't that bad. But I wasn't a normal girl. And, even if Edward was interested in me, the word 'cancer' would send him running to the hills. Or perhaps to a pretty girl with big boobs and perfectly healthy cells instead.

"Bella?" Emmett's voice called, reminding me where I was.

I went back through to the room and sat back in my place in the circle. "Yeah?"

"You took a while. We thought you were making out in the kitchen or something." He snorted at that.

"No. I just made sure that he left," I said calmly. Then I turned to Jasper. "Weed? Please?" I needed it to get rid of this depression that had suddenly set in.

Jasper hesitated, as though he wanted to say something, but then thought better of it and nodded. "Sure, Emmett'll go get it."

Em opened his mouth to protest, but Jazz cut him off. "Won't you Em?" he said. There was an edge to his voice that said 'just do it'.

Emmett grumbled but got up and went out to the kitchen where Jasper had dumped the bag.

Jazz shuffled closer to me and took both of my hands in each of his. "Are you okay, B? You seem… sad."

"I'm fine," I said, but I didn't meet his eyes. This was what I had meant about him being too intuitive.

"You know you can tell us anything," he told me softly. "We're your best friends and we'll do anything to keep you smiling."

I smiled slightly. "Thanks, Jazz. There really isn't anything you can do, though."

"Are you sure?"

I knew that this was the furthest he would pry, so I just nodded.

Emmett came back then. "Hey, break it up guys. No fucking in the front room."

I rolled my eyes but his crass comment made me smile as I slid away from Jasper.

The three of us were silent as Jazz took his stuff out of my bag and started to roll a joint. Once he was done with the bag, I reached for it and pulled out the tequila and shot glasses pouring three shots and then nudging two towards the boys. Em and I downed ours simultaneously and Jasper finished making the joint before throwing back his own. Then, I wordlessly handed him my purple lighter and he lit it, offering it to me first.

"Ladies and birthday girls first," he said in his Southern drawl; it was an accent that had mostly faded but sometimes he used it to his advantage, like when he was flirting or attempting to be gentlemanly or smooth.

"Thanks," I muttered with a little smirk before lifting the end to my lips and inhaling lightly. The moment the drug hit me, the depression cloud was lifted and my body seemed to be floating.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a bit of a blur. We smoked two joints between the three of us, and several cigarettes each and a few more shots of tequila. By the time the high was wearing off and I was starting to feel a little woozy, it was dark outside and about eight o'clock in the evening. We passed around the Visine, squeezing a drop in each eye just in case we hadn't completely come down from our highs yet, and then said our goodbyes before Emmett went off to his car in the nearby parking lot and Jasper and I headed back to his motorcycle.

He didn't ask any more questions on the way home, as he had just after Edward had left, but when we roared to a stop outside of my house, he turned the engine off rather than leaving it idling as he usually did. I pulled the helmet off of my head and self-consciously checked my wig, disguising it as running my fingers through my hair.

"Bella, something's up, I can tell," Jazz said quietly.

I sighed; now he chose to notice the thing that had been plaguing me for four years. Or maybe it had just intensified now that I had found something that I wanted and couldn't have. "Honestly, it's nothing, Jazz. Just… stressed out."

He didn't look as though he bought it, but he let it go. He climbed off of the motorcycle, ditching my helmet inside the seat, and then pulled me gently into a hug, wrapping his arms around me and holding me for a long moment. I saw the front room curtain twitch over his shoulder and I was instantly nervous about the reception I would get from my mother when I went inside.

"Happy birthday. I'll see you tomorrow," Jazz whispered in my ear.

I nodded against his shoulder. "Yeah. See you at break."

He let go of me then and slung one leg back over his motorcycle. He winked at me and then started his engine back up.

I waited on the step and waved as he drove off. Then, I braced myself and went inside. I dumped my bag on the bottom stair and then went through to the kitchen, hunting around for some kind of food.

Renee was in the doorway before I could locate anything. "You forgot something," she said coldly.

I glanced over at her and she tossed my phone at me. I caught it neatly and said flatly, "Oh yeah."

"Where were you Bella?" she demanded. "I was worried sick! You said you might hang out for a bit with your friends, but it's your birthday, Bella! You spend that time with your family! You don't stay out until nine pm!"

I was mildly surprised by how late it was, but I didn't show it. "Mom. I'm not a child anymore. You can't tell me what to do!"

Renee's blue eyes narrowed. "I'm your mother, Bella. Of course I can tell you what to do. Phil and I made your favourite for dinner – from scratch, Bella! And you didn't come to eat it."

I rolled my eyes nonchalantly. "It's just food."

"You're not being fair," Mom said quietly.

What a surprise that was. She never thought that I was being fair. When I had wanted to stop treatment and just die once I felt that I was at the end of my tether with fucking hospitals, she hadn't thought that I was being fair. When I had given up on believing that this remission would be the last, the one that made me better again, she hadn't thought that I was being fair. When I didn't eat her fucking food, apparently I wasn't being fucking fair.

"I'm not being fair? What, you think it's fair that I can't be normal? You think it's fair that I can't just do things without worrying that someone's going to find out? You think it's fair that I can't even think about talking to Edward Cullen because there are so many things stopping me from being good for him, or for any other guy?" My voice rose as I became more hysterical. "Life's not fucking fair, Mom."

She sighed sadly. "I know, honey. And you know that I'd do anything to make it so, but I just can't."

"No, you can't. And neither can I."

Renee hesitated and then said, "And you went on the back of his motorcycle, didn't you?"

I rolled my eyes and went back to hunting for food. "Yes, Mom, but don't worry, I wore a helmet. It was fine. I'm not dead."

"Oh, but Bella, you could be. Honey, you just don't understand how dangerous those things are. I've heard too many horror stories from Charlie in the past about them to tolerate you going on one."

I clenched my fists, irritated. "Please, Mom. They're perfectly safe; Jasper's careful. But so what if I had died, really? I'm dying anyway; it would just make the whole experience that less drawn out and painful."

"Never say that Bella!" Mom gasped. "Never speak as though you don't treasure your life. Your life is the most important thing to me, even if it isn't to you, so please stop speaking about it as though it's worthless."

"But it is!" I shrieked. "Don't you understand? What is the fucking point, Mom? What is the point to anything? It's just relapse, after relapse, after relapse. It never stays away. Even if I live for another whole year, I'll just be waiting to die. Waiting and not wanting to do anything because if I get attached to any more people I'll just end up hurting them. It's shit, Mom, this whole thing is completely fucked up. If I died right now, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. What do I have to live for?" I honestly hadn't believed that I had anything to live for before. But now, after today, my subconscious answered with: Edward Cullen. Oh, shut up. That boy was just going to torture me now from my subconscious. Something to live for, but also something I couldn't have.

Renee shook her head, looking hurt. "Is that how you honestly feel, Bella?"

"Yes," I replied in a steady voice.

"What can we do to make you feel that your life has value?"

"Nothing. It doesn't."

My mom sighed sadly. "I wish you weren't so stubborn."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, and I wish I didn't have cancer, but some wishes are just never gonna come true." I gave up searching for something that tasted nice and grabbed an apple. "Later Mom." I turned for the stairs.

"Don't you want your presents?"

I hesitated in the doorway; her voice sounded so sad that I wanted to make her happy, but I was so damn tired and just not in the mood for this shit. "I'm sorry, Mom, I have homework." And then I took off before she could say anything. I paused halfway up the stairs, though, and heard her sigh quietly to herself before going back to Phil in the living room.

I felt hugely guilty for a long moment, but then I forced the feeling away and went on to my bedroom. I pulled my curtains closed and changed into a pair of boy shorts and a black vest top before climbing into bed. I unlocked my BlackBerry and checked the twitter feed. I wasn't following many people, so there wasn't much to read. I didn't follow anybody at school because this was private; my twitter was where I spilled my secrets. It was kind of like a blog but less hard work. One-hundred-and-twenty-six people followed my morbid tweets but before I confirmed any of them I made sure that I had no idea who they were and, more importantly, vice versa.

What's happening? Twitter asked me innocently. I tapped the touchpad a few times as I thought, and then I typed: Met an obsessive compulsive hottie today and I didn't get squished on Jazzman's bike. An especially shitty day. Happy birthday to me.

Then, I put my phone on silent and switched off the main light before huddling down under the duvet. I did have homework, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. If I gave the teachers some spiel about not having enough time, or being in hospital, or whatever, then they didn't bother me about it.

I supposed having a terminal disease did have its advantages. There were very few of them, though.

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~

Yeah, Bella's a bitch and Renee overreacts. But, think about it. Renee's convinced that this is Bella's last birthday ever and so she's hurt that her only daughter doesn't want to spend time with her on her eighteenth. Then Bella has to cope with this overbearing mother and being so 'abnormal'. It's some tough shit but that's why Edward's there ;)

Sorry that this was a day late but that's not too bad considering I'm on hols :)

Also, I have to say thank you so, so much for the response to this story! I've been completely blown away by your wonderful words!

Regarding a few commonly asked questions (feel free to ask some of your own btw):

-yes, Edward's therapist is Jasper's Mom ;)

-no, no one knows about Bella's cancer but her and her parents

-yes, Edward has a bit of a shitty past. Yes, this will be revealed later on in the story :P

-yes, Charlie is dead. I'm sorry :( Again, more info on that later on

This week's rec: High Anxiety by EdwardsBloodType – I cannot tell a lie, this story has been hugely helpful as research with the weed taking and stuff. Very angsty and also has an OCD Edward but HA OCD Edward is worse than this OCD Edward (I didn't want to focus too much on that). But this is a brilliant read and totally, totally addictive.

Next chapter is back in EPOV and skip ahead to the next day when our favourite duo get a little surprise in their English class ;)

You know what I'm going to ask for now ;) Yep, I totally a review whore ;)

Thanks a lot! :D

-Steph