THE KINGDOM WARS: SORA'S CONQUESTS
Chapter 2: Sora and the Seven Graves
One day, as he and his two loyal followers Donald and Goofy were sailing through the stars, Sora spotted a strange new planet that he had never noticed before.
"What the shit?" he exclaimed, "Where the holy fuck did that planet come from?"
"Well," started Goofy, but Sora got so enraged from his hickspeak that he ripped the steering wheel off off the ship and smacked him nearly to death with it. It was only after several straight minutes of harsh beating that he noticed that they were now falling into the mystery planet's orbit. He tried to steer them away, but of course he had ripped the steering wheel off, so they were soon plummeting toward the surface of the strange new planet.
Sora awoke to the sweet sound of singing, only it wasn't sweet to him because he despised music that was not the squeals of injured innocents. He left Goofy and Donald in the ship's wreckage, making a mental note to go back for them later, and headed towards the mysterious singing. He soon came upon a high brick wall, and the singing seemed to be coming from the other side.
"Shit," said Sora, and ran back to the ship and grabbed Goofy and Donald. When he got back to the wall, he threw their unconscious bodies into a pile and used them to climb up the wall. As he reached the top, he saw that the singing was coming from a black-haired scullery maid. She was singing about love or some shit, and was pulling water up from a well. Sora was about to yell at her to shut up, but a noise from behind him caused him to look down instead. Some prince-looking freak in tight pants was trying to use his corpse pile to get up over the wall, obviously to find out who the singer was too. Sora tried to smack him away, but the Prince was too fast and leaped over Sora to the other side. Once he was there, he began singing along with the girl.
"How the screw does he just know the words already?" Sora yelled. He looked over again and saw that the girl had run up into some castle, and was now singing on a balcony. The Prince was acting all lovey-dovey and kissing an actual dove so that it could deliver the kiss to the girl. As it flew up, Sora shot the dove with an arrow from his crossbow, and then ducked down behind the wall. In their love that SOMEHOW was stronger than anything even though they just met, the girl and the Prince didn't notice the dove corpse as it dropped to earth and landed in the well. Sora looked back, but this time, his eyes were on the castle.
"That would make a fantastic edition to my castle collection," he thought, and started to plot it's takeover. He jumped down to the ground.
"Wake up you lazy shits," he screamed at Donald and Goofy's slowly stirring bodies, "we've got work to do!"
Sora, after successfully entering the castle unnoticed, was now perched atop Goofy's shoulders as they, along with Donald, hid behind a large curtain in the throne room. The whole room was dark and sinister, with wine-coloured fabrics hung about and a giant mirror in the corner that had a smokey face in it. Sora was currently watching as the castle's Queen, some bitch wearing a nun-looking dress with a crown on top, was talking to the smoke-face.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest in the land?" She said. The smoke face frowned.
"That wasn't a rhyme bitch! I can't answer unless it's a rhyme!"
"Oh," the Queen said, then started again.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest...of...them...all?"
"Okay whatever," the smoke-face said, rolling it's eyes. "The fairest one is dear Snow White. She works for you...and you're a bitch."
The Queen bared her teeth angrily. "That didn't rhyme!"
"I never said MINE had to rhyme!" With that, the smoke-face disappeared from the mirror, laughing as it faded.
Sora watched as the Queen called for the local huntsman. When he arrived, she told him to go and kill Snow White.
"But not only that," the Queen said, "I want you to bring her heart back in this." She handed the huntsman and small black box that was nicely painted, and had a heart-shaped clasp. The huntsman looked nervous and sad, but he took the box anyway, bowed, then left.
She must be a fearsome Queen, thought Sora, if they obey her like that. And what is that box? It must be magic, and human hearts are what it needs to feed that magic. Hearts I can readily supply, but I need that box! Perhaps it shall be useful in overthrowing that old bitch!
"I have a plan," he said to Donald and Goofy, "But we need to get that box!"
Sora, Donald and Goofy stalked the Huntsman as he followed the newly-fired Snow White into a field of flowers. She was just about to walk into the woods, when the Huntsman came up behind her, knife at the ready. Sora and the others ran and hid behind a nearby tree. They watched as Snow White turned and screamed, but the Huntsman had her trapped with a rock to her back. The Huntsman raised his arm, about to bring down the knife into Snow White's heart, and Sora rubbed his hands together in anticipation for the slaughter to come. But he was sorely disappointed. The Huntsman lowered his knife, and instead told Snow White to run away into the woods. As she took off, the Huntsman took the magic box from his bag, and spoke his plan aloud.
"I shall instead bring the Queen the heart of a pig, that way she won't know that I've deceived her!"
Pussy, thought Sora, and he was about to go and murder the Huntsman and take the box, but Snow White suddenly rushed from the woods and beat him to it. She stole the Huntsman's knife as his back was turned, then stabbed him with it. She then took the box from his dead hands.
"Finally," she said to herself, "now I can finally bring down that bitch who enslaved me and have the castle for myself!" She started to laugh, but stopped as Sora stepped from behind the tree into her view.
"Very clever Snow White, but I'm afraid that was my plan as well, and you'll find I'm not partial to sharing!" He conjured his Keyblade and was about to skewer Snow White, but she ran into to the woods and took off.
"Goddamnit! Why do they always run!" screamed Sora to the sky.
"Hyuck, maybe 'cuz ya always threaten to murder-"
"Shut the fuck up Goofy!" Sora smacked Goofy with the hunting knife he had just pulled from the dead Huntsman's back. He then handed it to Donald.
"Keep this handy Duckfuck. You never know when it might be useful." He pulled them both into the clearing. "And now, we go after that box. I have a feeling that it's keeper can provide a fresh heart for it's sustenance."
Sora used his superior tracking skillz to follow Snow White through the woods. As he and Donald and Goofy followed the trail of crushed leaves and broken twigs, they soon came upon a small cottage that was nestled in between some trees and shrubs. The three of them crept closer, Sora using Goofy as a shield just in case Snow White had prepared an ambush. But as they got close enough to see in a dusty window, it didn't appear that way. Snow White was indeed inside the cottage, but instead of planning for battle, she was dancing about, singing and cleaning up the layers of filth that had settled inside the little hovel. Some animals had joined her and were helping out.
What a crazy bitch, Sora thought, however, I underestimated her. Clearly she has the power to summon animals to do her bidding. He was about to bash the door down and take the box, when he heard some jolly whistling from the distance, headed their way.
"Oh shit! Someone's coming! Quick, get behind that water trough!" He pushed Donald and Goofy behind the little water basin and crouched low.
As they looked on, a band of seven little half-people came marching through into the clearing, all whistling and singing Hi-Ho.
"Why the fuck does everyone sing around here?" Sora said to himself. He watched as the dwarves marched into the cottage, which they obviously owned. Sora grabbed Donald and Goofy and pulled them to the window. They watched as the dwarves discovered Snow White, and began to question her about why she was in their home.
"Well, you see," Snow White said, batting her eyes, "I was chased here by a crazed lunatic. He wanted to kill me!"
Oh here we go...Sora thought. He watched as the Dwarves fell for Snow White's story and offered her their beds and food and everything.
People will do anything for a pretty girl, Sora thought. Then it dawned on him. He turned to Donald and Goofy.
"Boys, I've got a plan." He said slyly, then stabbed Donald through the foot with the hunting knife for good luck.