DISCLAIMER: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling
The Neville Trilogy thunders towards its cataclysmic conclusion at breakneck pace
NEVILLE FALSUS
chapter six
follow the leader
Hogwarts seemed to have a number of rooms that one would not normally think you would need in a school. The dojo was perhaps a good example. Another fine example was the war room, which Ginny had found when she was trying to find an empty bathroom to cut herself in.
It was a curious room. It had no windows yet the candles around the walls lit it up as if it were outside in the sunlight. In the centre was a table with a map of Europe. On the map there appeared to be details of a plan for conquering Europe in what looked suspiciously like Dumbledore's handwriting.
Harry had assembled a team of his most trusted and loyal friends, which basically consisted of everyone who didn't tell him to get stuffed whenever he asked if they would come. For some reason this included Malfoy, who, despite volunteering, was doing his best to look as though he would rather be anywhere else.
Neville had also signed up for this suicide mission, so naturally Ginny had followed him. Hermione and Ron never left Harry's side. Lavender Brown had also agreed to come along. Sirius and Remus had been in the castle for reasons they did not care to elaborate on, so they were coming too. Finally there was Severus Snape, who looked utterly mortified at the poor turnout.
"Really? Is this all you could find?" he demanded. "Surely all those fools in Gryffindor are all prepared to throw themselves in front of Potter to protect him."
"You would think," Neville replied. "But, unfortunately, Harry asks them to join his army at least three times a week, and eventually disbands the army when he gets bored, which takes a lot less time than you'd think."
Snape looked as though he had a sarcastic remark ready for that statement, but decided against it when it seemed too easy.
"You should have been here that second week in December," Ron said helpfully. "We had a real good turnout then."
"That was because we told the Hufflepuffs we had food," Hermione reminded him. "With the Hufflepuffs all being slaughtered, we can't do that anymore."
"I suppose our best bet would be to sneak in anyway," Snape said, although he looked like he might prefer his chances had he a legion of goblins in finest armour behind him. "The Dark Lord's castle is in Germany, so we will take a while to get there." He marked the point on Dumbledore's map of Europe.
"Why build a castle in the middle of a German mountain range?" Harry asked. "Surely that's totally impractical. It's nowhere near the country he wants to conquer either."
"Well, the Dark Lord thought that he ought to build his evil fortress in the most evil nation on Earth," Snape explained.
"That's not fair!" Hermione said hotly. "Just because of a few bad eggs in Die Hard, everyone always assumes that the Germans are all totally evil. Well, it's utter nonsense."
"Put a sock in it, Granger," Snape snapped. "We need to start gathering supplies for the journey, since you lot can't be trusted to Apparate to the other side of this room."
"You can't Apparate inside the Hogwarts-!"
"Ten points from Gryffindor for trying to ruin my joke, Granger! I can only hope that a master plan for getting into the fortress will occur to me at some point in the journey."
"I'm the leader," Harry said smugly. "If anyone comes up with a cunning plan, it'll be me." This time it was Malfoy who had a scathing remark to make.
"Potter, you wouldn't know a cunning plan if it painted itself red and danced naked on a broomstick singing, 'cunning plans are here again'."
"That'll be fifty points from Gryffindor, Mr Malfoy," Snape growled. "For stealing someone else's joke without giving them credit for it."
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The groups went to their various dormitories to pack the vital supplies needed for their epic quest. As Sirius and Remus did not live in the castle, they had to return to their home to tell Sirius's wife where he had been for the last two days, and to explain that they would be gone for one or two more. She was asleep for most of the explanation, but she probably got the gist of it.
Ron, Harry, Neville and Malfoy went up to their dormitory to pack up all the things they would need. Neville tried to remind Harry at least seven times that he would need more pairs of clean underwear than he was bringing, but Harry insisted that the pair he was wearing at the moment were good for a least another week.
Ron, meanwhile, appeared to have been building up a supply of Muggle weapons, and was currently trying to see how much ammunition he could fit into his rucksack.
"Ron, where did you get all those guns?" Dean asked.
"When I was dating those three American girls," Ron replied. "Apparently you can get guns really easily over there."
"It's a shame you're not coming, Dean," Neville said. "We really could use your help."
"Yeah," Harry nodded. "I mean, I'm sure you'd come in handy if we needed to pick a lock or hotwire a car or something." Dean's mood suddenly changed.
"Excuse me?" he demanded, storming over to where Harry was sitting on his bed. "Are you suggesting that I know how to hotwire a car just because I'm black?" Harry looked up at his tall figure with a perplexed look on his face.
"Don't you?" Harry asked. Dean snarled and stomped across the room.
"I don't believe this, Potter! I've lived with you for seven years and I had no idea you were such a racist. Next you'll be telling me you'll need me to supply you with Class A drugs and help you keep your ho's in check!"
"Nonsense," Harry said. "If anyone will be supplying hard drugs around here, it'll be Seamus." He gestured to where Seamus had recently shot up and was now lying on his bed staring blankly into space.
"Woah," Seamus muttered.
"Come on, Seamus, we're leaving!" Dean announced, before taking off and muttering under his breath. Seamus rolled off of his bed and landed with a thump, but made no further effort to pursue Dean.
Harry shrugged and got back to his packing. Eventually he and Ron had finished.
"Ron, there's something I want to talk to you about," Harry said. "In case we don't make it back."
"I know, Harry," Ron said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I love you too." Harry looked a bit put out for a moment.
"Actually, no, Ron, it's something else," Harry tried to explain.
"Look, if you want to impregnate my sister, that's fine." Harry seemed to consider that one for a bit.
"Actually, no, I think I'll pass," Harry said eventually. "I just wanted to tell you that you are a complete waste of space and I have no respect for you at all. The only reason I'm still friends with you is that when I discussed kicking you out of the group with Hermione, she got a bit upset."
"Really?" Ron asked. He didn't seem at all phased by Harry's statement.
"Yeah, you have no valuable skills and you're pretty thick." Harry apparently decided to go for broke. "You're a bit ugly on it as well, and your sister couldn't give it away. Your family is so poor it offends me. And the reason your family is so poor is because your mother eats all the food, because she's so fat. And the Chudley Cannons are the worst team in the world."
"I know, Harry," Ron said. He suddenly threw his arms around Harry and hugged him.
"Ron, I'm not sure you understand what I'm saying," Harry said.
"No, I do!" Ron sobbed. "We'll always be together, Harry. I promise." Harry seemed to give up and just patted Ron lightly on the shoulder.
Eventually Neville and Malfoy finished packing as well, but not before Malfoy sent off an owl to his mother. The four boys stood in the room looking at each other for a while, before deciding to go down and see if the girls were ready yet.
Ginny was waiting for them at the foot of the stairs. Apparently Hermione and Lavender had gone down to the war room already. The group made its way downstairs while Ginny prattled on about how wonderful this trip was going to be, and how she'd packed plenty of skimpy outfits to show off her new breasts.
She kept dropping her bag as well, so that she could bend down and pick it up. Neville, fed up with how hot and bothered the glimpse down her shirt at these incidents got him, offered to carry her bags for her.
He immediately realised that he perhaps should have given that one a bit more thought.
"Oh, Neville, that's so sweet of you!" Ginny squealed. "Oh, I can't wait to tell Lavender about this!" She skipped on ahead, leaving Neville carrying all the bags and having to endure the smug looks from Ron, Malfoy and Harry.
"Just shut up."
They reached the war room, where Snape was trying desperately to cut down the contents of Hermione's twelve suitcases, each of which was filled to burst with books.
"But what if I need to look up the ingredients for a Cheering Potion, or how to do First Year Transfiguration?" Hermione pleaded.
"Granger, you have probably memorised every single one of these books," Snape growled. "You may take one book with you." Hermione howled in anguish and sobbed and screamed for half an hour before Ron chose Hogwarts, A History for her.