a/n: Thank you to my beta, MyLifeisEdwardCullen!

I'm wondering, am I nice enough to put up three chapters in one night? Then I'm thinking, probably not. But then I didn't get to decide because my computer went battery flat. XD

Disclaimer: blah, blah, blah.

Thanks to all reviewers! You rock my socks! I've always wanted to say that, haha. I want tons of reviews for this chapter, because it was incredibly hard to write.

Ps. I just made my voicemail the same as Adrian's from the book! Yeah, ok, I probably crossed the Adrian obsessed line there but oh, well.

Chapter 32

Rose's POV

Song: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri (Listen to the song while reading; it makes it so much more awesome)

Lunch dragged by, somehow my friends had become different people, boring people.

Classes dragged by, the teachers were the same, boring people.

Honestly, I was nervous.

I had to finish this.

After everything he had taught me, I had to be brave and really say goodbye – in the true Rose Hathaway style.

So, I suppose, if I was going to die sometime, I really would want him to kill me.

There would be something in dying by his hand, some promise for the afterlife.

I spent lunch wondering if I wanted to die.

I spent classes wondering if I believed in the afterlife.

It turns out: I had stuff to do that I needed to be alive for. Lissa needed me. She was going to be Queen Vasalissa, she needed someone to protect her.

As for the afterlife, I wondered about that for both of us – what would happen to you if you died? What would happen to me if I died? Seeing the ghosts, I knew that there was always that as a possibility. I think that was a pretty likely outcome for me, people who have unfinished business always end up as ghosts. But I had already died once, so did that change the rules? For you, well, I had no idea. No matter what you had done, I still prayed that there was a heaven and that you would be happy there.

I wanted to go find you; I even knew where you'd be. But when that final bell went, I was frozen. It really was the final bell, not just signalling the end of class. Maybe this was the last time I'd hear it.

I sat there, eyes closed tightly, breathing deeply. Reminiscing life: growing up with Lissa, our time in the human world, seeing you for the first time, stolen kisses in gyms, and arguments with my mother. Seeing Lissa finally happy with Christian, the fight in Spokane, laughing with Mason, getting dozens of perfumes from Adrian and hugging Alberta when I was younger.

"Rose?" Someone asked, obviously not concerned about me, just wanting my attention.

I opened my eyes, "Cameron."

"Hey, where were you last night? We had a date." He said.

I laughed thinking of what I had been doing last night when he was looking for me, "Oh, I forgot. Well, it doesn't matter anyway, I'm taken. So stop trying."

"Yeah, because that would stop you," He muttered, "Who are you with?"

"Really, that is none of your business. I have to go." I said standing up.

"Come on, just one date, please?" He said, reaching out to touch me as I stepped around him.

"No, sorry. I'm busy for... let me see... ever. But I heard that Jesse and Ralf are into guys so maybe one of them will be free...?" I smiled and turned to leave.

"Rose... I won't give up on you." He said and I took a deep breath and left.

I walked out of the building and over the grass, towards the cabin, determinedly.

I marched up to the cabin door, where the remains of the CD still were, remembering the song. Then I pushed that out of my mind, putting every ounce of the old Rose that was still left into my words as I yelled to the woods.

"Come out, come out wherever you are! You won't want to miss this, it's the end! And now that it's finally arrived, come be my audience! Don't you want to see me dead? I won't play hide and seek anymore."

I remembered everything that had happened and turned the sadness into anger, for one last time being confident that I was Rose Hathaway and nobody was going to mess with me. I guess talking with Adrian last night was a good farewell party, talking about our lives. The kiss this morning, my silent goodbye, something to remember Rose Hathaway by years later.

I didn't want to die. But what chance did I have? He had been watching me and I hadn't even noticed for all this time. I was still going to try though.

I clenched my fists, waiting.

Minutes passed.

A gentle voice I was so familiar with finally spoke, like melted chocolate, rich and warm.

"It has been so long..."

What kind of a thing was that to say? Who stalks someone and then when they greet them they say 'It has been so long'? I spun around but he had not revealed himself yet, I couldn't see anyone.

"Wow, I haven't seen you look so alive and outraged for a long time..." The voice murmured.

"Why don't you just say what you really mean or shut up?" I screamed.

"Ah, Rose, really? It's nice to see you like this; I was worried about that walking dead stage you were going through." Yeah right.

Why did his voice have to be so mesmerising, so beautiful?

"I don't believe you! You only came because you wanted to see me die! Admit it!" I yelled back, looking for the source of the voice again.

I heard a familiar chuckle, smooth and amused.

"Come out, come out, you monster. I don't like monsters that hide under the bed." I said sarcastically, hating him and his magical voice, his wonderful laugh.

"I've been watching you." He said, behind me. I spun around to the cabin door, to find him standing in front of it, appearing out of thin air, a metre from me. I took a step back, shaken by the sight of him. The sight of a very un-dead, un-strigoi him. I gasped, resisting the urge to throw myself at him. No, he was a monster, wasn't he? I hated him, didn't I?

"And I have a few issues to bring up." He went on calmly.

I stood there staring at him, trying to find resolve, strength.

"Now, last night, that wasn't very nice. Using Adrian like that...tsk, tsk. I must admit at the time, I wanted to kill him but then I figured it out. Well, I suppose you helped me figure it out with that diary of yours. Very informative. You don't have an addiction to the endorphins, do you?"

He waited but I didn't respond; I just glared at him.

He sighed, "Do you want to come in?" he opened the cabin door, "Or were you still planning to kill yourself out here?"

"I think you know who I was planning to kill." I said harshly, not taking a step closer.

He nodded, "I know, but we shouldn't be too hasty. Let's catch up; I'm sure we could talk about something interesting. Then I'll kill you. But first, come in..." he took a step backwards, into the cabin.

"Nope. I'm so over this." I said in my best teenager voice, trying to annoy him.

He laughed coldly, "You don't get to be over this. Don't you see? I'm going to kill you, Rosemarie. It's already over. Just give in, enjoy the end. You said it yourself, this is the end." He took a few steps towards me.

I went on ignoring him, "What I don't get – because it's totally screwed up – is this thing with Lissa. Like, you send me a death threat in the form of a CD, I get that, you're insane. But you send Lissa a love song, professing your undying love to her, while telling her how much she hurt you? What the hell, right?"

"Stop delaying it, distractions never work." He said taking another step closer as I took a few steps back.

"You are so messed up. Just explain what it all means! Why the hell do you love Lissa more than me? What were the lyrics about! Explain it to me, now!" I cried.

He smiled gently and took another step closer, so close... too close.

"Rose, I'm sorry. It's the shadows, it's not me. I don't want to hurt you... I really don't. But I can't help myself..." He whispered.

"What has Lissa ever done to make you love her?" I yelled in his face.

"Well, she didn't kill me, for starters! She brought me back after you killed me!" He yelled back, his eyes pained.

"What?" I screamed.

"Oh, you don't even remember staking me!" He said sarcastically.

"I hate you!"

"I know! You made it obvious when you staked me! Then made me watch you suffer, made me watch you crying. You getting bitten by Adrian Ivashkov!"

I stood there shaking, I wanted answers, and I needed him dead. I punched him as hard as I could, knocking him off balance and making him clutch his stomach where I had hit him for a moment before he straightened.

"Don't Roza... please. Let's talk." He whispered.

"No, I have to kill you!" I yelled back.

"No, you don't. You'll understand after we talk." He said stepping closer to me.

"No!" I yelled again.

"Don't you remember me, Roza? I love you. Please." He said, his voice now heavily accented deliciously Russian.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, I had to kill him but he was making it so... so hard. I had thought he was dead and now, here he was. I had thought he was Strigoi, but his eyes were a deep brown. I had thought I was over him, but my heart ached for him.

"No." I whispered.

He took another step forward, then another, until he was right in front of me. Without warning he had pulled me into his arms.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this... Watching you cry, that's what killed me, not the stake, not being strigoi." He said softly, walking us into the cabin.

"No." I whispered again but he ignored me.

"Listen, I'm so sorry for everything... I can explain. But in short, when you staked me, I somehow turned back into a dhampir, then I died, right?" he said.

I nodded reluctantly.

"They brought my body back to be buried near the school, Lissa stopped them, she thought that her magic could... I don't know, heal the dead. She tried and she wasn't strong enough exactly, but then some other ghosts were hanging around the woods- where my body was- with me and they did something, I don't know what. Lissa left, thinking I was dead and sent some guardians to bury me, but I was gone. Because I woke up and ran off. Anyway, I ended up with all these scars on my soul, like a strigoi has but I still had my soul, so I wasn't like them. I was alive and Dhampir again. The scars are like shadows and they make me want to be evil, which is why I've been watching you. I'm sorry, Roza. I'm so sorry."

We were sitting on the bed in the cabin, the very same bed as last time.

"No..." I repeated quietly.

"Yes, Rose. It's true." He said taking my hand in both of his.

"But what about the letter and Lissa...?" I asked unsteadily.

"I couldn't stop wanting to kill you, but the part of me that I still had in control wanted to talk to you. So I wrote the letter. The one to Lissa was mostly to you; I just expressed it through her. I was watching when you got the CDs that day; it was like having this war inside my head – too much noise to concentrate." He explained looking sincerely sorry.

"The letter was signed 'C'" I stated.

He laughed softly, sadly. "You always used to call me Comrade, when you loved me."

"But..." I started my mind spinning. I had come here to kill him.

"You make it even harder; every time I get myself under control, fight off the evil, you do something that upsets me – intentionally or not. Even as myself, I'm so mad at you. But right now, I can't bear to think of being angry with you. Seeing you gives me a reason to fight it, Rose." He continued.

"Why are you mad at me?" I asked, randomly picking a question out of the many in my mind.

He sighed, turning his face away from mine, "Isn't it obvious? You and Adrian. You letting yourself go. Not training. Not wanting to be a guardian just because of me. Mostly, you and Adrian."

I half smiled, he was jealous. "I did that on purpose, last night."

He frowned, "Did you? It seemed like you had a problem, needing the endorphin rush."

"That's not what I meant, I mean being with Adrian, in his room. I knew how much it would hurt you because of the thing with Jesse after you became my mentor. I wanted to hurt you..." I said avoiding his question.

"I know, Rose. I'm so sorry. But I can't stop it... the shadows. I don't know how to get rid of them." He seemed worried, the concern in his voice reminding me of every time I'd been in the clinic and he's been there. I missed him so much. But I had decided to move on.

"I can't..." I said, standing up, "You... I don't know... I thought you were dead and now you're back here, in this cabin. I've just figured out how to live through this and you come back? Don't... I don't know..."

He shook his head, "I understand. Where can we go from here? I never meant to leave you, to hurt you. I still love you. Can we talk through this? Tell me what you're thinking..."

"I don't know what I'm thinking! You were dead Dimitri!" I poked his chest, "You were dead! You were going to kill Lissa, I had to kill you! I couldn't even live without you, but then I found a way. Now, you're here? You've been here this entire time?"

He nodded and sighed, silently watching me.

I screamed profanities at him. He nodded and watched me. I knocked over a chair. He sighed and looked at his lap. I cried and punched the wall. He inclined his head to the side and very quietly asking me not to hurt myself. I ran over and punched him. He sat still watching me. I turned to get the chair so I could hit him with it. He silently wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me back to the bed, onto his lap. I screamed. He wrapped his arms around me, burying his head in my hair, trying to hide from the world. I kept screaming. He pushed his face into my neck, trying not to hear. I felt his tears on my neck, his chest shaking from crying. He wrapped his arms around me tighter, whispering something about wishing I could forgive him. I watched him shocked by his vulnerability. He clutched my t-shirt, breathing in my scent as he cried. I wrapped my arms around him, stroking my fingers through his soft hair. He kept whispering how sorry he was.

I shook my head, "It wasn't your fault." Then I hugged him tightly, putting my head on his shoulder.

And we cried until he fell asleep, head on my chest, arms still around me. I watched him for a few minutes.

"I love you, too, so much."

Then I fell asleep too.