Wizard in Space

Genre: Humor

Category: AU: random scenes

Fandom: Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot

Author: Falling Right Side-Up

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or worlds mentioned herein.

Summary: Ideas of Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot x-overs.

AN: Premise: Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.

IMPORTANT: If you read the previous chapter before 6-08-2010 11:30 AM, then please go back and reread it. I changed some parts and added whole new parts, and there are a couple references to it in this chapter.

Idea #1B

(Posted: 6-13-2010)

Prompt: The Case of Wandering Hands

After the embarrassing fiasco that had delayed the Enterprise's launch into space from Earth, Jim had thought it would be prudent for his First Officer to be introduced to Harry. Unfortunately, things were not working out the way Jim had hoped.

Spock seemed to be alarmingly absentminded for a Vulcan, as if his attention was being split between his duties and some other concern. Jim had, on one occasion, found the science officer frozen in the middle of the hall with one hand braced against the wall, doing the Vulcan version of staring off into space, only more intense and creepier.

Any attempts to inquire about the Vulcan's strange behavior had been politely but firmly brushed off—"There is nothing for you to concern yourself with, Captain."—and Jim had been left behind to watch his First Officer walk off as if chasing something down.

This left Jim with a lot of extra time, which he found even emptier without Harry popping in to pester him. Said spirit seemed to be going out of his way to avoid contact with people, running away so quickly that his agitated state was causing energy fluctuations throughout the ship. Complaints were piling up, performance levels were dropping, and Jim was just shy of getting desperate.

Reasoning that Spock wasn't about to open up anytime soon, Jim went off in search of Harry. Besides, Jim had a forebodingly uneasy feeling that both issues were connected and that solving one would lead to the other.

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

When Jim finally found the Enterprise's avatar, it was in an empty observation deck. Usually, there was nothing that Jim could see, of course, to confirm the spirit's presence, but this time the half-hysterical muttering—"No, no, it didn't happen, it didn't happen, lalalala,"—in the otherwise silent room was enough for Jim to walk in and lock the doors behind him.

"Harry?"

The muttering came to a halt. "…Kirk?"

"You want to tell me what's going on?" Jim asked with as much patience as he could.

"No," was the immediate reply.

"Why not?" Jim rebutted. "Even the crew can tell something's wrong. And denial doesn't seem to be working," he said dryly.

"Yeah, well, a wizard's predisposed mental condition is denial. I'll deal. Sooner or later."

Jim sighed in exasperation. "Uh huh, well, while you deal, I'm left with complaints about unstable inertial dampeners, flickering lights, and sticky doors. So forgive me if I'd rather you deal now rather than later."

"Oh. It's that bad? Sorry. I hadn't noticed…" Harry trailed off apologetically.

Jim waved it off. "Let's just get the problem out of the way, okay? Then we can say no harm no foul."

"Yeah. You're right," Harry replied, sounding determined. "The shrinks always did say the first step was acknowledging the problem."

"…right." Jim faltered at the mention of shrinks. He hoped the Enterprise hadn't been possessed by a mentally unstable nutcase from 300 years ago.

"Be strong, Harry, be strong," the spirit muttered to himself.

Jim waited dubiously but patiently.

"Okay. Back in the 21st century, when aliens were just make-believe, people used to make up stories about being kidnapped by aliens for nefarious purposes."

Despite his effort to be serious, Jim couldn't quite mask the smirk in his voice. "Nefarious purposes, huh?"

"…yeah. It's just…I never believed them, you know? People who believed that stuff were crackpots. About as believable as wizards and witches being real…" Harry paused. "Er, actually, that one turned out to be true…" he muttered to himself. "But this kind of thing was never supposed to happen to me. Only, I think it might have…" Harry continued, voice suffused with both wonder and unease.

"Wait. What?" Jim frowned, back stiffening.

"I think—" Harry gasped. His voice rose in pitch and trembled, as if he wasn't quiet sure if he should feel ashamed or proud. "I think I've been probed!"

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

"Spock!"

The First Officer was crouched in a random part of the hall, his hands outstretched upon the wall beside him. Standing up smoothly, he clasped his hands behind his back and did an about face to see the Captain stalking down the hall towards him with a human expression of great upset.

"Captain?" Spock inquired warily, mind already whirling at great speeds trying to determine the cause of his superior's ire.

Kirk continued marching towards the Vulcan, hands clenching agitatedly by his sides. A small distance away, he stopped abruptly, looking incredibly flustered. Pointing accusingly at his First Officer, he declared indignantly," I've caught you in the act, so don't bother denying it. I'll only warn you once. Stop molesting my ship!"

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

"C'mon Bones, you know I'm not mentally compromised," Jim cajoled from his prone position on the bio-bed. He tugged futilely against the straps holding him down.

"Yeah, yeah, That's why I have Spock of all people contact me about you accusing him of molesting the ship," McCoy responded worriedly while running a tricorder over his friend.

"He was! Spock keeps trying to mind-whammy the ship!" Jim retorted, doing his best to turn his head aside and away from the tricorder.

The doctor responded by grabbing a hold of Jim's head and keeping it still, like a wayward puppy.

"Uh huh, and you know this how?" McCoy asked skeptically.

Flailing against the restraints, Jim turned to stare wildly at his friend and exclaimed, "The ship told me!"

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

"Poor Keptin," Chekov said, shaking his head. "It has only been two weeks since launch and already he is in the sickbay. I hope he recovers soon."

"I'm sure it'll be alright, Pasha. I mean, we're talking about James Kirk," Sulu replied. "But yeah, I hope he recovers soon, too."

Both crew members spared a glance at the Vulcan seated behind them in the command chair. It was a known fact that Spock and James Kirk had started off on the wrong foot, but for whatever reason the Captain had found himself in sickbay after their altercation in the hall, it seemed that the First Officer was unusually peeved.

Spock sat rigidly with his arms braced on the rests and hands steepled before him, so that his focused stare was more intense than usual.

"Commander Spock." There was a flurry of activity at Uhura's station. "There seems to be trouble in sickbay," she said with a confused expression.

"Transfer communications to the command chair, Lt. Uhura," Spock ordered.

She complied and instantly a cacophony of noise over the comm filled the bridge.

Spock frowned at the sounds of crashing and cackling that the Vulcan was disturbingly sure belonged to the Captain. "Doctor McCoy. What is the situation?"

"Spock! He—goddammit, he's gone!" the doctor responded, out of breathe.

Spock needed no clarification as to who had escaped. "I see," the Vulcan merely replied. "Has anyone else been injured in the escape?"

"What? No, you green hobgoblin. Jim hasn't hurt anyone—he's rather intent on finding you anyways. The only collateral damage was the bed and some equipment," McCoy responded.

The First Officer paused for a moment before snapping out orders. "Lt. Sulu, you have the Conn. Lt. Uhura, please contact Security and have them coordinate with me at sickbay. Doctor McCoy—"

"Sending me to sickbay just so you wouldn't have to admit the truth… How underhanded of you, Mister Spock," Jim declared over the ship wide comm, halting all activity. "I approve. Or, I would have, except you sent me to sickbay. So, yeah. No approval here."

After a startled beat, Spock responded. "Captain, you must return to sickbay."

"Not happening," Jim replied tauntingly. "Not until you admit that you were mole—"

"Your accusations are unfounded, Captain," Spock quickly interrupted, his frame taught with tension. "And it is quite indecorous of you to commandeer the ship's comm system in order to perpetuate your obvious delusions."

"Hey! I am not delusional!" Jim shouted indignantly. "You just don't want to admit that you were prob—"

"Captain. I must insist that you surrender to Security and return to sickbay. It is obvious you are in no condition to—"

"Stop interrupting me, dammit!" Jim's voice seemed to echo in its vehemence.

"He's in the Jeffries tube in sector 3, deck 2," Uhura whispered to Spock, who nodded and covertly redirected Security.

"I heard that, Uhura, you traitor!" The wayward captain bellowed. "You wouldn't side with him if you knew what he was doing to the Enterprise!" His comments were punctuated by his heaving breaths—most likely from his efforts to elude Security through the tubes.

Unable to let that comment go, the communications officer joined the conversation. "Please, Captain. As if the decision to side with Commander Spock is a hard one," she replied condescendingly.

"Is that so?" Jim drawled.

The undertone of mischievous glee in the Captain's voice set Spock ill at ease. "Captain, this situation is not setting an example for the crew, we should—"

"Well," Jim ignored Spock's attempts at redirection. "I wonder how you would feel if you knew that Commander Spock uses his Vulcan voodoo to—"

"Captain—"

"-SMEX the SHIP with his MIND!"

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

Jim cackled at the stupefied silence over the comm, despite the fact that he'd gotten stuck in an intersection while traversing the tubes. "What? No response? Surely I haven't left you speechless, Mister Spock?" He smirked.

"…Keptin?" Chekov's hesitant voiced breeched the silence.

"Yeah?" Jim responded, still snickering as he tried to wriggle loose.

"The Commander is no longer here, Keptin."

"Oh? Where'd he go?"

"…to find you, sir…I think."

"You think?"

"Yes. Commander Spock looked rather upset…for a Vulcan, that is. I suppose he could have gone to his quarters, but he does not seem to be the type to hide away," Chekov said doubtfully.

"Ha! Would serve him right. I bet he went to sulk in his—"

Suddenly, a familiar looking hand burst through the metal plating of the grate next to Jim's head and grabbed a hold of his shirt.

"Holy Shit!" Jim tried to wriggle away, but the hand merely dragged him down and out of the tube until he flopped out into the hall like a dying fish. Quickly, he scrambled onto his hands and knees but froze when he caught sight of his First Officer glaring down at him.

"Er…Hi, there," Jim squeaked out before deciding it would be beneficial for his lasting health and longevity to shut up when Spock's eyebrows drew even further together and almost went vertical in slant.

"Ah, I was right!" Ensign Chekov remarked excitedly like a child." The Commander went to find you!"

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

Crew members scrambled out of the way as Spock stalked down the corridor with the Captain slung over his shoulders, tied up with the sleeves of his own command-gold shirt like a straight jacket. A contingent of security officer followed at a discreet distance, and the whole procession appeared remarkably like a ceremony of taking a lamb to the slaughter.

"I'm sorry, Spock! I probably shouldn't have—okay, okay, I definitely shouldn't have said over the comm that you were committing nefarious acts with the ship, but what's a little misunderstanding about deviant sexual behavior between you and me, huh? C'mon, you can't beat mutiny and attempted murder, right?"

Spock did not deign to respond, so Jim decided to try another route.

"Spock, you can't deny that your behavior has been really hinky lately. I mean, c'mon, you've been probing the ship with your mind! And well, the ship objects. He doesn't like being probed by an alien!"

The Vulcan turned down the corridor onto a straight path to the sickbay. "I believe the greater problem lies with you, Captain. While I may be engaging in seemingly purposeless endeavors to meld with the ship, you are the one with delusions that the ship is sentient and speaks to you."

"I told you, I am not delusional!" Jim retorted, flopping indignantly on Spock's shoulder.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "If I were to believe you, why, then, has the ship not made its presence known to me?"

"I don't know! Maybe because you scare him! You've left him a blubbering mess! A mess I've had to deal with!" Jim glared at the Security officers trailing behind them.

The First Officer frowned and paused in front of the sickbay doors, which opened to reveal an angry but relieved Doctor McCoy.

"Jim! I oughtta tan your hide for running away!"

"Bones! You've got to believe me!" Jim pleaded.

McCoy frowned and turned to Spock. "He still spouting that nonsense 'bout the ship bein' alive?"

The Vulcan nodded. "Unfortunately, Doctor McCoy."

"Goddammit," McCoy cursed, running a hand haphazardly through his hair. "At least whatever is causin' his delusions hasn't spread to the rest of the crew," he lamented.

"Bones!" Jim whined.

McCoy motioned for Spock to step into the sickbay, but the Vulcan first turned to the Security Officers behind them.

"Lt. Giotto, post two men at the entrance to safeguard against another possible escape."

"Belay that order, Lt. Giotto!" Jim shouted, face going red with frustration.

Said officer glanced at the backside of his Captain slung over the Commander and then back to the frowning First Officer and Chief Medical Officer.

"I'll have the men posted, Commander," the Chief of Security responded and motioned to his subordinates.

"No! Cupcake! You'll pay for this! Mark my words!" Jim renewed his squirming, but Spock merely tightened his grip and turned to enter sickbay.

"Wait! Commander!"

The crew turned to see Scotty jogging down the corridor. He came to a halt before Spock and the security officers, bending over to catch his breathe.

"Mister Scott? Do you have a concern to be addressed?" Spock queried.

"Aye, Commander. Yer makin' a mistake. The Captain isn't delusional," Scotty said and then paused. "Well, he isn't exactly normal either, but certainly not crazy."

"You know what's going on?" McCoy asked with a frown.

"Well, it's pretty simple. I can corroborate everythin' the Captain said 'bout the ship," Scotty replied. "'Cept the part 'bout the Commander molestin' it, that is. Lord knows the Enterprise is a beauty an' the Commander appreciates it, as do I, and we've all had our share of fantasies—" the engineer faltered at the Vulcan's blank stare.

"Er—I mean, I'm sure the Commander would never engage in nefarious sexual acts with the ship when he has the lovely Lt. Uhura to satisfy him and—"

Scotty stuttered to halt at Spock's disturbingly blank gaze, feeling rather like a bug hypnotized by the glare on the windshield right before impact. His eyes flickered nervously around but no one but Spock would meet his eyes. The Scottish man coughed and cleared his throat.

"What I meant to say is that, well, uhm, the Enterprise is indeed alive and sentient," Scotty declared with a dignified air.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Please, explain, Mister Scott."

"Well, the Enterprise is actually a lad, not a lass. His name is Harry Potter. He's partial to pumpkin juice but will settle for the taste of narcelles now. And he's a wizard!" Scotty exclaimed cheerfully. "Not like those evil sorcerer tales—he's a right cheerful lad, gentle too. Well, except when we blew the warp drive, 'cause those are his man-bits, ya know?" Scotty grimaced. "Oooh, he was mighty upset about that. Also, he doesn't like to be told he's fat—he'll get into quite a tizzy if you say that. Quite sensitive, the lad is." Scotty nodded along with his own lecture.

Doctor McCoy and Spock shared a long, wordless look. Then the Vulcan addressed the engineer. "And how do you know all of this, Mister Scott?"

"The ship speaks to me, of course!" Scotty said brightly.

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

"Nice going, Scotty," Jim addressed his companion testily. Having confirmed that Security had reinforced the straps on the bio-bed, Jim thought his time was better spent glaring at his Chief Engineer.

"Er, sorry, Captain," Scotty responded from his prone position on the bio-bed beside Jim. He swallowed nervously, keeping his eyes trained on the ceiling above him. "Those security lads sure know how to tie these straps, don't they, Captain?" Scotty chuckled weakly.

...

...

AN: Lulz. Is this crack or what?

Not a lot of Harry here, I know, but that's only because not everyone is aware of his existence yet. He'll play a bigger role later.

I had a lot of different ideas as to how to portray this scenario, so I'm not quite sure it all makes sense. So, did it make sense? Make you laugh? Or was it just too ridiculous and over the top?

EXPLANATION: If the story was confusing, this is what happened-Spock is sensing another presence on the Enterprise, possibly hostile, which is why he's spacing off so often and occasionally try to feel out the ship with his Vulcan mind powers. Lol. He doesn't believe the ship is alive because he's been there since it's creation and launch, and it certainly wasn't alive then. There have also been no incidents in their missions so far to cause the ship to gain sudden sentience, either. Harry, who has a history of disliking mental invasion, runs like hell away from Spock. Does this help?

Reviews and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated—it actually has an effect, too, as you can see from the fact that I rewrote the previous chapter after seeing readers' responses.

Also, I didn't write a big scene about Harry actually being introduced to the crew, because I wanted to leave it to your imagination. Also, it leaves it open ended so I can add in stuff later. The next chapter kind of assumes the introductions already took place and that the command crew knows about Harry. As you've probably already noticed, there's quite a bit of time skip between each chapter—they're all technically supposed to be one-shots.

And thank you to everyone who has read the fic so far and reviewed! A special thank you to you "anonymous" reviewers who don't even have an account on this site but reviewed anyways. It makes me happy that you went through the effort. I hope everyone will continue to read and enjoy!

Reviews are my food!