The how-to-get-over-the-love-of-your-life handbook
Personal note: I just wanna thank you for all the reviews. They have really helped me with my writing. : )
It's the reviews that keep the story alive. : )
Thanks everyone.
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Chapter 5: How to (not) move on
When Arizona woke up she did exactly what she had done for the last week or so. She cried. But today was different. Today she cried a lot. And it wasn't just occasional sobs and tears. It was a constant stream of tears and loud sobs. She had been able to take a shower and walk back to her bedroom before falling apart completely. She didn't feel like eating breakfast, so she skipped it. What happened with her and Callie the day before was still hovering in her mind. She had told Callie to go, to move on with her life, to find happiness. She had totally ignored the voice in her head that told her to be with Callie, to be happy. She had to be a good man in a storm, so she had put her own happiness aside, to make sure that Callie would be happy.
But Callie had told her that she would never move on, that she wanted her. Although that had made Arizona doubt her decision, she had to stay strong for Callie. She had to.
After crying for what seemed like forever, but was probably "only" an hour, she got up and finished getting dressed. She put on her Heely's, knowing that they where her only chance to seem perky today. She didn't feel perky at all, but the Heely's usually reminded her of what she needed to do for the kids, so they kinda brought out the perkiness in her, whenever she had a bad day.
When she had finished getting dressed, she grabbed her bag and her keys from the table and walked out the door. At first she didn't notice the figure that was curled up against the wall. She locked the door, and just when she was about to walk down the hall to the stairs, she saw the person by the wall.
Calliope. What is she doing here? I told her to leave… I…
"Calliope…" Arizona said and looked at the dark haired woman on the floor.
Callie woke up with a jump, totally caught off guard she said.
"I'm awake… I'm awake…" Callie looked around to see who was there. She rubbed her eyes and when the sleepiness in her eyes had disappeared she saw Arizona.
"Arizona…"
"Did you sleep here?" Arizona said, with so many different emotions evident in her voice. Callie could only make out a few of them. There was confusion, but also sadness.
"I… Yeah… I did." Callie said as she tried to get to her feet.
"Why?" Arizona asked. "I told you to go… I needed you to go… Why?"
"I know… But I'm not going. I'm not moving on, I can't move on… You are the love of my life, no one else… You." Callie said as tears started to form in the corners of her eyes.
"Callio… Callie" Arizona corrected. "I can't give you what you want… I can't give you happiness… So please... Please, let me do this. Let me make sure that you have a chance to be happy…" Arizona said, not looking directly at Callie. Callie winched at the use of her nickname. But Arizona didn't know whether she was aloud to call her Calliope anymore or not.
"Don't… Don't call me that." Callie said with sadness in her voice.
"What?" Arizona had expected that the response would be to the last part of what she had said.
"Don't call me Callie… I'm your Calliope…" Callie said, now the tears were streaming down her face.
"Listen… I need you to be happy. I need you to move on and be happy, with kids and everything… So… I'm going to call you Callie." Arizona responded, now she also had tears in her eyes. She had fought hard to keep them away, but it was becoming too much to handle.
"Tell me you don't love me." Callie started. "Tell me you don't love me, and I will stop fighting, I will move on. But no matter what you say I will never be happy with anyone else…"
"I can't… Callie, I love you, I always will… But…" She was interrupted by Callie's sudden movement towards the stairs.
"Then I will keep fighting." Callie said with determination in her voice and a nod of her head. "I will do anything, but I won't move on."
With that she walked down the stairs, leaving Arizona behind.
No… Damn it…
Arizona had now lost the battle against the tears and they were streaming down her face. The Heely's were probably useless today. 'Cause now all the perkiness was gone and only sadness and heartbreak remained. Not a small sparkle of perkiness left, nope, none.
xxxx
It was lunchtime, well, at a hospital there wasn't really a certain time for lunch, there was the time you had before your next surgery or next consult. So… It was Callie's lunchtime. She had texted Mark on her way to the cafeteria, hoping that he would be free to join her for lunch. He had quicly replied that he was free for lunch, and that Lexie would be joining them. When Callie entered the hospital cafeteria she quickly spotted Lexie and Mark at one of the tables.
Callie bought lunch and then joined the two surgeons at the table.
"Hi guys."
"Hey Cal." Mark replied. Him and Lexie were sitting next to eachother across from where Callie was sitting.
"How did it go with Blondie?" Mark asked, a little unsure whether or not to ask that question. Spotting that Mark was unsure Lexie grabbed his hand and gave it a light squeeze.
Callie looked at their hands and then back at Mark.
"You are back together?" Callie said with a huge smile.
"Well, sort of… We are giving it another try." Lexie answered looking up at Mark. Mark gave her a reassuring smile.
"Yeah… And this time there are no more Little Sloanes to mess up my decisions." Mark smiled and nodded.
"Well, there is still one more Little Sloan that can mess up your decisions, Mark. Remember, the one Lexie broke once?" Callie said, laughed and broke into a huge grin.
"Haha, very funny Cal. Now answer my question, Torres." Mark had a light smile on his lips. "How did it go with Blondie?"
"Oh…" Callie turned her gaze to her plate of food. "Well, I said that I'm gonna fight. And that I won't move on…"
"What? She didn't give you a chance?" Mark said clearly confused.
"No… She wants to be a good man in a storm, and make sure I will be happy… But, Mark, she doesn't get it… She has my heart… I can't be happy without her." Callie's eyes darkened with unshed tears.
"Then tell her that." Mark said, figuring that it was the easiest solutions out here and that he was the one to come up with it.
"Don't you think I have, Mark." Callie said, anger now evident in her voice. "I have tried to explain it to her… She won't listen… She thinks that I can only be happy with her if she will agree to having children."
Mark looked at Callie with a concerned look, while trying to figure out a way to solve this mess. Then suddenly Lexie, who had been very quite until now, spoke.
"Why don't I talk to Arizona. I mean we are friends now… Maybe I can get her to come to Joe's tonight… Then you can, I don't know, make it clear to her that you need her. Babies or no babies."
Callie looked at Lexie, at first she was surprised to even her Lexie speak, she had kinda forgotten that Lexie was there. Then when she heard Lexie's idea her eyes lit up.
"Yes. Perfect. I have the perfect idea to make her see it." Callie said with a smile on her face. She knew exactly what to do to make Arizona realize that all she needed was her. "Thanks Little Grey… Oh and thanks Mark, don't screw this up." She said motioning with her hand between Mark and Lexie when she said 'this'. Then she got up and walked away.
I said I would fight and I'll fight dirty if I have to, bathroom dirty…
xxxx
Lexie was on Arizona's service today, so she had plenty of time to talk to the other blonde while doing rounds.
"So… Wanna join me and Mark at Joe's tonight?" Lexie said enthusiastically.
"Oh… I had really just planned on staying at home." Arizona mumbled.
"Well, change of plans, you are going with me and Mark to Joe's." Lexie said with a determined voice.
Not feeling in the mood to argue, and feeling like having a drink or ten, Arizona agreed to go.
"Super. We'll meet Mark outside the hospital after work." Lexie said while scribbling something down on a patient's chart. "Oh, and Arizona… It's on me tonight. You paid the last time and I drank a lot… Like a lot… But I don't anymore, because of Mark, so tonight is on me." She smiled at Arizona.
Well she is perky today. Must be the Mark-thing.
Arizona thought as she looked at Lexie.
"Thanks… By the way, you're perky today, almost 'Heely's-worthy' perky." Arizona said with a smile, dimples and all. For the first time today she felt a little optimistic. She was on rounds with a perky resident and she was going out for drinks with friends tonight. The day had brightened a bit.
xxxx
Mark, Lexie and Arizona had met up outside the hospital and had walked to Joe's together. When they entered Joe's Christina, Meredith and Derek was already there. Derek was getting drinks for the girls, while they talked about some surgery Christina had had with Teddy earlier. Mark and Lexie guided Arizona towards the table where the others were seated.
"Hey. Sit." Christina said in a plain voice. It mostly felt like an order, but it was Christina so it probably meant that she was happy to see them. They all said their hallos and then sat at the table. Soon Derek came back to the table with a tray of drinks. He had seen the others entering Joe's and had predicted that they would probably join the rest, so he had bought three more drinks.
Everyone grabbed a drink and the conversation picked up. Then something dark caught Arizona's eye. She turned her head to the entrance and saw Callie coming in. As Callie looked around she quickly spotted the table of surgeons and moved towards it. She stopped at the bar to pick up a drink and then walked to the table as Mark waved her over.
"Mark…" Arizona gave Mark a stern look.
"What?" Mark said, trying to look confused, but he couldn't contain a small smirk from appearing on his lip.
"You…" Arizona said, knowing that Mark had probably set this up.
Just before Callie reached the table, Arizona got up and walked to the bathroom.
Perfect, just as planned.
Callie thought, when she saw Arizona leave the table. She sat her drink down at the table and excused herself. When she walked towards the bathroom she heard Mark yell.
"Go get her, Torres."
Callie frowned a bit, afraid that Arizona might have heard Mark's ourbreak.
She opened the door to the bathroom and saw Arizona standing by the sink. Both hands resting on it. In the mirror she could see Arizona's tear-filled eyes.
"Are you okay?" Callie asked, smiling slightly, but trying to look concerned.
"Am I okay? No. I'm not okay… I…" Arizona stopped and looked straight forward into the mirror, avoiding the brunette's eyes.
"I can't do this… No… I need to… It's just hard…" Arizona started to ramble, arguing with herself and trying to keep the tiny bit of composure she had left.
"Then don't." Callie said. Arizona's head shot up and she looked Callie in the eyes, through the mirror. Callie quickly continued, not wanting to be cut off.
"You're a good man in a storm Arizona, you always are… But this. Us. You don't need to be a good man in a storm now Arizona…" Callie took a deep breath. "You've got it all wrong… I'm not going to be happy with another woman and a kid… I only want kids with you. I want dimples and… and blonde hair and perkiness. I want a mini you." Callie paused to see how Arizona was reacting. Arizona had tears coming down her cheeks. Callie slowly took a step towards the blonde. Then she continued. "I only want you… And if you don't want kids, then yeah, I would wanna know why… But I would still love you and you would still be the most important piece of my life. The piece that makes my truly happy… So I don't need kids, it just need to know why…" Then something happened that Callie was not prepared for. Her insecurities took over.
"Am I not good enough? Don't you want a future with me? A family? Am I not the one for you?" Realizing what she had just said Callie mentally slapped herself.
Damn it Cal. Keep focused… This is gonna be to much for her...
Arizona turned around. Tears were still streaming down her face.
"Is that what you think? That I don't want you. That I don't want a family with you?" She asked, clearly hurt.
"Well… Yeah." Callie said and turning her gaze to the floor.
"Hey." Arizona said and titled her head while she stepped forward, trying to catch Callie's eyes. "Calliope you are the one… But… I'm scared…"
Now Callie lifted her eyes to meet the blue eyes looking at her.
"I'm scared that if I change my mind… I never wanted kids… Why? Well, to be honest I don't have one answer… I just… I have seen a lot of things, kids dying and getting hurt… Parents falling apart… And… I always thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom… I never thought…" Arizona tried to explain but paused to take a deep breath. "I never thought I would meet you… I never thought that my decision about kids would hurt me so much…" Arizona looked at Callie and then continued. "I never thought I would lose the love of my life to some stupid fear."
Callie had stayed quiet while Arizona talked. This was not the plan, she had planned to surprise Arizona, just as Arizona had surprised her the first time they met. But because of her insecurities that plan was out the window. Not she would have to convince Arizona about her feelings in another way.
"I told you… I can't live without kids, but I can't live without you… Does this look like me functioning, living? Do I look happy without you?" Callie asked.
"Well… No… But… In time, you'll be happy…" Arizona tried but Callie cut her off.
"No… Stop it… Don't push me away." Callie said and looked at Arizona with a frown.
"Just don't… I said I want you no matter what. I need you… So don't push me away." Callie paused but quickly continued. "Let me comfort you… Let me help you get over your fears." Determination was evident in her voice.
"Callie… I might never want kids. I might never get over my fear…" Arizona said her eyes never leaving Callie's as she cried again.
"I know… I'm only gonna say this once, okay?" Callie said and Arizona slowly nodded. She could sense that Callie was getting frustrated and a bit aggressive.
"I only want you. Babies or no babies. I need you… If we decide to have kids, then I'm in. And if we can't overcome the fear, then I will still be here… I won't leave, I won't feel like you took something from me. I will only love you even more for trying to make it work. For trying to make us work… If you walk away now… Thinking that it'll help me find happiness. Then I'll feel like you took something from me… 'Cause then you would take you away from me… You would take my happiness away from me." Callie looked at Arizona and sighed with a smile. "'Cause you, Arizona Robbins, are my happiness."
Arizona looked at Callie with tears in the corners of her eyes.
"You sure? You won't leave me?" Arizona said. This was all she wanted, she wanted Callie to want her, to need her. She needed Callie to assure her that she wouldn't leave. She had told Callie about her fear and Callie had been supportive, even though they were arguing, she had been supportive.
"I will never leave you… I can't…" Callie said with a reassuring smile.
"You'll help me try to get over my fears? You'll help me when the nightmares with the tiny coffins come? When they one day might be about our children in tiny coffins?" Arizona said still standing a few feet away from Callie, wanting to be reassured before moving closer. Even though she desperately wanted to be close to Callie now.
"I will… I will always be there for you, no matter what fears may come… We'll get through this Arizona. I won't let fears and tiny coffins win… I want us to win. I want us to beat them. Together." Callie said smiling brightly while stepping forward.
With that Arizona stepped closer to Callie and kissed her. The kiss was filled with passion, love and…
Tears?
Callie thought as she felt hot tears on her cheeks. It was Arizona's tears.
She is crying again… Oh no… This is a goodbye kiss… I…
She pulled away slowly to look Arizona in the eyes.
"Was that…" Callie gulped, trying to remove the lump in her throat as her stomach tightened. "A goodbye kiss? I mean you're crying and… and." Callie was cut off by a pair of lips hitting her own with such force that she was pushed backwards.
When Arizona pulled away she smiled at Callie.
"No stupid. It was an 'I-missed-you-so-so-much' kiss… And it's happy tears Calliope… Happy." She said looking Callie directly in the eyes and smiled, dimples and all.
"Good." Callie said and gave Arizona a peck on the lips. "Now let's go out there, the others are probably worried, since we have been gone so long." She put her arms around Arizona and hugged her. "Mark might think you killed me." Callie laughed.
"I knew he planned it." Arizona said thoughtfully.
"Well, actually Lexie planned it, but whatever." Callie said still laughing.
"What? She was supposed to be my friend." Arizona said with an annoyed voice.
"So. It ended well didn't it?" Callie said with a smile.
"Yeah it did." Arizona giggled snuggling closer into Callie's embrace.
"Now let's join the others… And Calliope…" Arizona looked up into the beautiful eyes of her lover.
"Yeah?"
"I will try." She said with a small smile.
"And I'll be there. That's all I'm asking." Callie replied as they walked out of the bathroom.
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When Mark saw the two girls coming out of the bathroom in each others arms he raised his glass.
"To Torres and Blondie." He said with a huge grin on his face.
The others joined in and they all shouted before they poured down their drinks.
"To Torres and Blondie!"
Lexie and Mark scooted closer together, creating space for Arizona and Callie. After talking and drinking a lot more, they were all rather drunk. Then Mark began to uncomfortable shifting in his seat.
"So… Now is probably not the time to tell you that Hahn is back?" Mark said. Everyone at the table, who had been engaged in a conversation, became silent.
"What? Erica is back?" Callie said and looked at Mark with a scared look.
"No. But you should totally have seen the look on your face." Mark laughed.
"What the hell, Mark. That is so not fu…" Before Callie could finish her sentence Arizona lifted her hand and gave Mark a fist right between the eyes.
"Auch…" Mark almost cried.
Callie looked at Arizona wide-eyed.
"What?" Arizona shrugged and made puppy eyes.
"I love you." Callie said and gave Arizona a quick kiss.
Mark quickly regained strength and apologized. He was really scared of Arizona now. I mean, he had always felt like she had a darker side, a 'punchy' side. But now, that he knew for sure, he wasn't gonna mess with her again. And also, he was happy. He had gotten a second chance with Lexie and Callie had gotten another chance with Arizona. They were all back where they belonged. So he apologized and promised to stop being an idiot the rest of the night, because had threatened him with no sex for a week, if he didn't.
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Callie and Arizona went to Callie's place to spend the night. Even though they were still drunk, they stayed up all night talking. Just taking comfort in each other's company. Even though they hadn't been apart for long, it had seemed like forever. So just being close, talking, laughing was enough for them. They both felt safe again. But of course… One thing let to another… Let's just say they ended up doing more than just talking.
Callie woke up the next morning by the sound of her phone. She quickly grabbed it, trying not to wake up Arizona.
"Hi" She answered with a rather happy but sleepy voice.
"Callie Torres?" A very masculine voice asked and Callie's smile quickly faltered.
xxxx
So… They got back together. They found out a way to deal with the whole baby-issue. So you might think the story has come to an end. But oh no, you are so wrong! There are far more issues to take care of.
Spoilers:
Arizona and Callie still have to deal with the aftermath of their break-up.
The next chapter will feature angry people.
Some of next chapter's title will be: How to deal with…
Personal note:
So… What do ya'll think?
I had a really hard time writing this. And I thought: "It can end like this, there has gotta be someone who was affected by the breakup other than the girls and Mark." : )