The how-to-get-over-the-love-of-your-life handbook
Personal note:
Sorry for the long wait. : )
Had a tiny writers block. I didn't really know how to explain why Arizona is acting strange. But I like the way it came out. : ) Hope you'll like it too. : )
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Chapter 13: How to fight the fears
Callie and Arizona was sitting at the table eating dinner, a Spanish dish that Callie had made when they got home from the hospital. There were silence, expect from occasional small talk about a patient or a surgery. Callie had noticed that Arizona had been acting a bit strange and distant the last week or so. But she knew that Arizona had this big case at the hospital, a case with a patient who might not survive. Knowing Arizona and the way she care about her patients, Callie knew, or well she was pretty sure that the reason for Arizona's behavior was because of that case. Callie would let Arizona tell her when she was ready to. She wasn't going to push the blonde into talking. So Callie continued with the small talk.
The dinner continued in silence until Callie was unable to stay silent for a minute longer. She began talking about her shopping trip with Mark and Lexie, about how cute the toys were. As Callie mentioned Mark and Lexie's baby Arizona froze. But Callie didn't notice, she was looking at her plate and shuffling food around while talking. So she kept talking. Callie went on to talking about Lexie's ideas for names, she found the name Robyn Calliope slightly amusing, but kinda sweet, considering it was honoring her and Arizona.
"I like Alexander better though…" Callie continued, still not noticing Arizona's frozen body language. "But Robyn is still sweet, I think Mark would probably call the kid Mark Jr. if he was the one deciding, but I kinda think Lexie has the last word in the name-picking." Callie went on. "I would like our baby to be called something Spanish, like-like Adrian or Emilio, well if it's a boy of course. If it's a girl maybe Rayen, it means 'flower' ya'know, that would be cute." Callie smiled to herself. Arizona on the other hand was still frozen in place staring straight at her plate, not saying a word.
"But if it's a boy I would love to have your brothers name in there too. So maybe… Daniel Emilio Torres-Robbins… Or Daniel Adrian… No, Daniel Emilio sounds better… What do y…" Callie stopped speaking. She had lifted her gaze from the plate and was looking at Arizona. "… Arizona, baby, what's wrong?... Arizona?" Callie said as she quickly got up and moved to kneel next to Arizona's chair.
Arizona was breathing in short intakes, her eyes wide and her face in panic. She looked like she couldn't breathe.
"Arizona, baby…" Callie said as she looked at Arizona and took her head between her hands.
"Arizona look at me… What's happening?" Callie's eyes were filled with worry as she searched her lovers face for answers.
"An-anxiety att-attac-ck." Arizona tried speaking while she continued to hyperventilate.
"Arizona look me in the eyes and breath with me… Slow deep breaths… Slowly… Inhale… Exhale…" Callie said as she held Arizona face firmly in place, so that Arizona could do nothing but look into Callie's eyes. Arizona had tears in her eyes but she started relaxing as their breathing became in sync. Callie let out a sigh of relief when she saw Arizona relax. Arizona kept on taking deep breaths in order to stay calm.
A couple of minutes later Arizona's breathing was normal again. Callie was still kneeling next to her chair and she had Arizona in a tight embrace.
"I-I'm sorry." Arizona said as she regained composure.
"Shh… It's over now, I'm here…" Callie kept repeating soothing words in Arizona's ear, until she was certain the blonde was composed enough to talk. Callie let them to the living room couch and sat down, still holding on to Arizona.
"So…" Callie started, she really didn't want to push the blonde but she had to know what happened. It was killing her to see the love of her life like this. So she continued with her question. "Eh… What happened?"
Arizona looked away from Callie's eyes and gaze at the floor looking ashamed of herself.
"It's nothing… it's…" Arizona said, mentally beating herself up for having lost composure.
"Arizona it's not nothing when you get an anxiety attack like that… You need to talk to me… I-I just wanna help you…" Callie said with sadness and hurt evident in her features. She was hurt that Arizona wouldn't tell her, that she was just being dismissed like that.
"Calliope… I…" Arizona took a few deep breaths when she felt her composure crumble slightly. "All the baby stuff with Mark and Lexie… And-and you helping them and the toys and the clothes… You look so happy and then-then…"
Callie was getting a bit frustrated. Was she not allowed to help Mark with his baby? Was she not allowed to be happy for them? Happy that she was going to be an ant? But she knew that Arizona had to finish so she kept herself from interrupting.
"Then the baby names… And not just their baby's name, but-but ours… And you look so so happy and that smile… and… I…" Arizona continued.
"Oh, God… Baby I never meant to push it on you, I was just thinking out loud… and-and I'm sorry baby…" Callie interrupted as she felt all her frustration leave her body to be replaced by concern and self-loathing.
"No… no…" Arizona said as she turned her gaze to look into Callie's brown orbs. Both Callie and Arizona had tears in their eyes. "It's not your fault, this is not something you did… I just… I'm scared because you look so happy when you talk about the baby… And then you started talking about baby names, and names for out babies, and… I just, I'm scared that you might want babies now… And I don't think I'm ready… I'm not ready… I'm… I don't want to hurt you… I'm just… It's to much right now ya'know… I'm not ready…" And with that Arizona broke down again, this time she wasn't hyperventilation though, this time she was just sobbing, tears rolling down her beautiful face.
"Arizona…" Callie breathed out as she quickly rapped her girlfriend in her arms and rocked her slowly back an forth, trying to sooth her.
"Arizona, I'm sorry if you felt pushed. Yes I have a smile on my face when I talk about their baby, it's a tiny miracle, it's what Mark wanted… And I'm going to be ant Callie and you, you are going to be antie Zona… I'm happy because of the miracle that will be a part of our lives, Arizona. I will keep on being happy because of that and I want you to be able to be happy about it too. 'Cause, God, I know how happy you wanna be for them, Mark and Lexie." Callie turned Arizona's head with her finger and her chin, so that there eyes locked. "But we're not ready to have a baby yet. You're not ready. And well, I'm not ready… I'm not ready, because I love you and I want to wait till you're a thousand percent sure you're ready… I don't want to push you… I want the baby to be a mutual decision. I want us both to be ready." Callie nodded slightly while she kept her gaze locked with Arizona's. "I didn't start talking about names to push you… I just… Well, it just slipped out… Because I know, that a kids in our future, and I guess I just started wondering about what that kid would look like, what his or hers name will be… and I'm truly sorry if you felt pushed or if I scared you…" Callie said with tears in her eyes.
Arizona sat for a while, silent, trying to absorb everything Callie had said. Callie wanted a baby, but not until they were both ready. They were gonna do this together. They were gonna move forward together.
"Why are you so amazing?" Arizona asked, clearly confusing Callie.
"Wha-what?" Callie said as she tried to understand were Arizona was coming from.
"You're amazing and I love you… And I might not be ready now, I might feel pushed in the future, but it's not your fault… I think. I think we have to communicate better when it comes to the baby-thing… We need to ask each other if we're okay, to ask each other if we feel pressured or pushed, to talk about it, ya'know… I mean, at least, I think I need that. I need to talk to you about stuff like this, so that I don't bottle it up and it gets to much… I'm sorry… You're amazing and I'm just a mess, when I should be happy that you're happy." Arizona rambled, while Callie looked with surprise written all over her face.
"Oh Arizona, you're not a mess… or well, just a tiny bit." Callie smiled at her girlfriend. Arizona chuckled through the last stray tears and the lump in her throat. "I was a mess when you found me at Joe's, and you waited, you helped me… Now it's my turn to help you, and, God, Arizona I would wait forever if it means you'll stay with me." Callie's smile grew bigger and a small smile tucked in the corners of Arizona's lips. "I love you, and you don't have to be sorry, you just have to tell me when you're scared, so that we can fight the fears. Okay baby? That's all I need." Callie finished.
"I will, I promise." Arizona said as she gave Callie a peck on the lips.
"I think we should take some nights off to fight my fears and talk about it… I think talking about the babies will help… Just slowly, moving forward slowly." Arizona said with a nod of her head.
"I think that's a great idea… But right now, I think we have talked enough for tonight. Let's go to bed." Callie said as she got up and put out her hand for Arizona to take. Arizona grabbed Callie's hand and they made their way to the bedroom.
They got in bed and cuddled up, as close to each other as possible. They both needed to feel the warmth of the other. They needed to feel the comfort and the safety of lying in each other's arms. Callie sighed in comfort and began drifting off to sleep. Arizona sighed and shifted to get closer to her lover.
"Daniel Emilio Torres-Robbins… I like it…" Arizona whispered, a small smile on her lips.
"Mhmm." Callie mumbled back, making Arizona chuckle slightly, before they both fell asleep.
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Arizona got scared, but they fought the fears together.
Spoiler:
Next chapter will feature one enjoying Christina Yang.
Plus Mark and Lexie get's closer to the birth of their baby.
What will all this mean for our girls?
Personal note:
Thanks for reading.
Please review, it'll make my day! : )