"This isn't funny James!" Piper pounded on the door to his apartment. "Let me in!"
"I happen to find this hilarious!" James' voice was a little muffled by the door.
Piper hitched the towel he was wearing a little further up his hips. He really should have known better than to step into the hallway in a towel anyway. This sort of juvenile prank was right up James' alley.
"What do you want me to do? Climb in through the window?"
"Sounds hot!"
"You're an asshole! James, I'm going to gouge out your eyes with a god damned rusty spoon!"
"Excuse me?"
Piper turned around and suppressed a groan. Their neighbor, whom he'd realized was also named James (not John, it had taken him awhile to correct that), was standing behind him with a bag of groceries.
In addition to being dripping wet naked in a towel, Piper was now pretty sure he was going the same shade of red as his hair. He'd only spoken to this guy two or three times at most.
"Oh, um, not you…your eyes are safe. My-my boyfriend locked me out."
"I see." James said with an awkward smile. "That's not terribly nice of him."
"No, it's not." Piper banged on the door again.
"Is he really not going to let you in?"
"I think he wants me to climb in."
"Wearing a towel?"
"Yes. You see I'm dating a man with the maturity level of a twelve year old." Piper explained. James laughed.
"Would you like to borrow some clothes?"
"Very much so."
James let Piper into a modest sized apartment. He set his groceries on the kitchen island and then shuffled off to his bedroom to grab the clothes, leaving Piper in the living room to look around. About half the room was taken up by two large drafting tables, with a futon and a mixed assortment of overflowing bookshelves taking up the other half, leaving no room for a TV. His James would have been mortified.
"Here you go." James returned with a pair of workout pants, a white collared shirt and a pair of cotton briefs. "Bathroom's at the end of the hall."
"Thanks." Piper hurriedly changed and returned to the living room, where he found James sifting through the papers on one of his drafting tables.
"So how long do you think it'll take for your boyfriend to get tired of the joke and unlock the door?"
"Hm? Oh James won't get tired. I really will have to climb in through the window."
James quirked an eyebrow. "Sounds like a real catch."
"He's eccentric, but he's still-"
"I was teasing." James interrupted, frowning apologetically. "He's the blond guy that's always hanging around, right?"
"Probably." Piper didn't pay much attention to the other inhabitants of his building or their guests.
"Well he's a looker, at least. That must help him out when you're threatening to mutilate his big, blue puppy eyes."
Piper snorted. "Yes, he's rather good at manipulating rage into cuddling."
"Which one of you's the cook? I always smell the best stuff while I'm walking past your place."
"James is the cook. And yes, that gets him out of trouble too." Piper answered. "I'm sorry. We must be terribly annoying neighbors."
"No! You guys are really interesting. I'd been hoping for a chance to get to know you guys better." He let out a dramatic sigh. "I designed this place, actually. I designed a few different buildings for this rental company, and when I decided to move into this one I thought I might get some kindred soul neighbors, y'know, since it's a little funky and unconventional. But most of the building's inhabited by pretentious yuppie assholes."
"I hadn't noticed." Piper admitted. He was rather fond of the fact that he hadn't spoken to more than a few of his neighbors, and even then only a handful of times each.
"Course you wouldn't. You've got a hot blond cook to distract you." James said with a laugh. "How long have you guys been going out?"
"A couple months now. You're…"
"Queer too? Yep." James extracted the paper he'd been looking for and handed it to Piper. "I just finished working on a gay bar for Central City. The grand opening's next month. You and your boy should come and check it out."
"Sounds fun." Piper lied. He hated bars and was only ever tempted out to them if a quality musician was playing. He kept the flier though, not wanting to be rude.
Piper climbed the fire escape and crawled in through his bedroom window some hours later, having spent a pleasant afternoon with his neighbor. James poked his head in at the noise, a petulant frown on his face.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"Up the hall visiting one of our neighbors."
"But this place is full of yuppie douchebags. Who was the paranoid liberal chatting up?" James flopped onto the bed and eyed Piper curiously.
"I was with James-the-architect. He offered to loan me clothes, and then we just kind of kept talking. He's very nice. He's even more well read than I am, and he offered to let me borrow anything I want. He's got this great looking book on social inequality in World War II era-"
"Uh oh."
"What?" Piper started stripping off the borrowed clothes and rifling around for clean ones.
"You've got a crush."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do. It's okay!" James laughed. "I'll only get rid of the guy if I feel threatened."
"James. I do not have a crush." Piper balled up the borrowed clothes and tossed them in the hamper. He decided to do laundry that night and return the clothes the next morning.
"It's just a crush. It's not a big deal Pookie, everyone does it. I've got kind of a thing for Catwoman, actually."
"Have you ever met Catwoman?"
"No, but I plan on rectifying that at the first available opportunity."
Piper dropped the flier onto James' lap. "Well, my not-crush invited us out."
"To a gay bar?"
"He designed the place. And yes, he is gay too. James?"
"Nothing. Just feeling a little threatened." James said with a scowl.
Piper let out a melodramatic sigh. "I do not have a crush, he does not have a crush, and you do not need to feel threatened! If something does happen to James just because he was being neighborly, you're on the couch for a month."
"Fine. I'll behave. So do you actually want to go to this thing?" James asked, flicking the flier.
"Not really, no. But I think we should anyway."
"We? Oh no, no way in hell I'm going to a gay bar. If this guy wants to get to know us better we can invite him over for a poker night."
"We cannot invite a civilian to a poker night!" Piper said, horrified. "Especially not a slightly effeminate queer one! Can you imagine what Digger would say? We'd never see James again."
"Mwa ha ha…" James mock-cackled under his breath. Piper hit him with a pillow before dropping down onto the bed next to him.
"So what's your issue with gay bars? You like regular ones well enough."
"Idaknow, it's just not my thing. I'm not comfortable around flamboyant guys. And any place where gays specifically congregate to be gay-"
"Is full of flag waving queers." Piper finished. "Does that have anything to do with you still being in the closet? I'd like to tell people I'm dating a really hot acrobat. There are bragging rights to be had."
James chewed his lip. "I just…don't feel gay. I know, I know, I'm in love with a guy, which makes me not straight but…the label doesn't feel right. Falling for you just kinda hit me out of the blue. I've never been interested in a guy before and I don't really see it happening again. It's just you."
"So…you're bisexual then. And it's normal for bisexuals to be drawn more towards one gender than the other."
"But I'm not attracted to guys at all. Just you." James sat up and ran a hand through his hair. "Idaknow, it's weird. I'd rather just keep this to myself."
"So, effectively you don't plan on telling people we're dating." Piper said quietly. "Do I have that right?"
"Why is it anyone else's business?" James asked.
"It's not, but I don't understand the necessity of hiding! If you really don't care what people think, then follow through with it. I hid my sexuality for eighteen miserable years and I'm never going back to that."
"I'm not asking you to. I'm just not ready. I still haven't figured myself out well enough to start getting labeled, and when you're dating a guy people label you."
"Okay. So…so just more time?" Piper asked. James nodded. "Sorry. I'm not trying to pressure you-"
"No, it's cool. I get it. I'd be pissed at me too. Believe me, I wish I was as sure of myself as you are."
"James, you're ten times more confident than I am, at least." Piper said with a snort.
James leaned over and dropped his head onto Piper's shoulder for a snuggle. "Yeah, but not with important stuff. Look, you know who you are, you have this sense of right and wrong and you stick to it…without being a douchy cape. It's pretty cool. I'm more of a hedonist, and whereas the flexibility's liberating, it makes things kinda murky."
"So what are you saying? Do you want to help out at the shelters with me?" Piper asked. He was having a harder time than usual following James' train of thought, and was just about ready to abandon the struggle altogether and suggest they play video games.
"Hell no. I'm just admiring you Pookie."
"I've asked you not to call me that."
"And I'm ignoring you. Because you're my Pookie." James pulled Piper to him and kissed the side of his face. "I do love you. Is that enough?"
"It certainly works for me."
"Shit, he brought Green Lantern with him!" Digger yelled, running into the museum office in a panic.
"That's cheating!" Mark yelped.
Piper turned to look at him. "We were planning on taking him seven on one, how is Flash having one person for back up cheating?"
"Because we all know just one Justice Leaguer is enough to kick all our collective asses at once, so two of them makes this mission a sure fail." James responded. He was sitting on top of the safe they were attempting to crack.
"You're being awfully calm about it. Why don't you head out and greet 'em, get your ass kicking over with sooner!" Digger spat.
"Cuz they're having enough fun with Len, Mick and Sam and I don't wanna spoil the party." James motioned to the security camera monitor, where they could see each and every speedster-intended trap being taken out with ease via power ring.
Piper stood up and stretched. "Well I'd best make myself scarce. I can probably hypnotize them as long as they don't know where I am. If Flash sees me he'll disarm me before I can be useful."
"Hey Poo-uh, Piper…why don't you use this?" James asked. Piper glared at him and motioned his head towards Digger and Mark (who admittedly weren't paying the faintest bit of attention to the younger rogues due to terror). James scowled and mouthed back 'I know!'.
"Well. Use what?" Piper demanded.
"This." James motioned to an intercom.
Piper grinned, reaching for a pipe. "Any requests?"
"Just knock 'em out before they get here!" Digger snapped. He and Mark were crowded in front of the monitor watching the battle that was now unfolding in the gift shop. They winced, watching Len's gun redirect via power ring and cover him in ice instead of Green Lantern.
"Nah, that's boring. Hey Pookie, why don't you make them square dance this time?"
"James!"
Mark turned away from the monitor and eyed them curiously. "Are you two okay?"
"Fine." They both snapped.
"Then can you please start hypnotizing the capes Hartley?" Mark pressed.
Piper held his pipe to his lips, but before he managed to play more than a few notes a scarlet blur burst into the room. There were a few minutes of disoriented dizziness, and suddenly Piper found himself dangling from a ceiling beam in the dinosaur room (so a good five stories from the floor) watching his stocking cap fall towards a display of raptors. He let out a shriek, dropping his pipe to cling to a nearby beam.
Flash laughed from the T-Rex head he was sitting on. "Don't worry Piper, we'll send someone up to retrieve you after we finish with your cohorts." He zipped off just before the pipe hit a display of fossils, shattering the glass spectacularly across the floor.
Piper managed to pull himself into a sitting position and then carefully started moving along the beam on his knees. He couldn't see a way to swing onto one of the other floors, or any kind of emergency hatch onto the roof. He really was stuck there until someone else helped him down.
"Piper?" James called tentatively. He was sweaty and sans cape, and there were black smudges on the front of his shirt, likely the residue from a small explosion.
"Up here!" Piper squeaked, then cleared his throat. "Here! You should probably bail though and head home so you can help us break out later! I think we're just about done for with this damn job!"
"Nu uh, I'm not ditching you!" James yelled. He kicked on his air shoes and slowly started jogging up towards the ceiling beam. "Mark's giving Flash and Green Lantern some trouble, they actually followed him into the lightning room. I think I've got a few minutes."
"If you're sure…" Piper started scooching closer to where James was running.
James almost made it too. Flash raced back into the room on the ground level, picked up some shards of glass from the smashed fossil case and hucked it at James' shoes. He hit something important, because the shoes started smoking before they puttered out. James' eyes widened with terror before he started plummeting.
"James!" Piper reached out helplessly. James had almost reached him; he'd almost been able to touch his fingers.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" James controlled his fall and landed on the T-Rex fossil Flash had been mocking Piper from earlier. It shook from the impact but didn't fall over. James hugged its head, eyes squeezed shut tight as he hyperventilated. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!"
"James it's okay! You're okay!" Piper yelled. "Deep breaths James, come on, you're not falling anymore!"
"It's too hi-igh!" James sobbed.
Flash was laughing from the ground level. Piper looked down in disbelief.
"You fucking asshole! You know he's got a phobia! You couldn't capture us once we were closer to the ground?" Piper took off one of his shoes and threw it, which Flash of course dodged with ease.
Flash grinned. "Sorry Piper, you're right. How incredibly inconsiderate of me." Flash raced up the dinosaur, pried James off its skull and then raced back down, tossed him into the air and kicked up a whirlwind under him that elevated him almost to the ceiling. James' shrieks of terror echoed throughout the museum.
Without really thinking about what he was doing, Piper leapt off the ceiling beam and towards the whirlwind. He almost missed, but Flash readjusted and started lowering them towards the ground, startled at Piper's response. James curled into a fetal position and wept as soon as he was on the ground, but Piper was still running off of adrenaline and rage. He lunged forward and landed a few hits on the startled speedster, who wasn't expecting it.
Then a green shield came up between them, pushing Piper back against a wall. Flash rubbed at his jaw, still surprised. "Ow."
"You okay?" Green Lantern asked, while Piper viciously and creatively swore at the both of them.
"Yeah, fine. Come on, let's get these guys to jail."
The two super heroes didn't even see Captain Cold crouching in an Ice Age exhibit. As soon as they were in range he whacked Flash with the butt of his cold gun, knocking him out, and shot Green Lantern, encasing him almost entirely in ice, leaving only his ring-hand free. He walked over and picked off the ring, flinging it behind him.
The shield over Piper dissipated and he quickly ran to James' side. "Calm down love, you're okay, it's okay, ssh." He whispered, holding James close and stroking his hair.
Len cleared his throat, and the two rogues looked up at him. "Save the gay cuddles for later. Did you ever manage to crack that safe?"
"No." Piper answered.
Len scowled. "Mick got the gift shop register and Sam managed to hit a display of fancy rocks that looked valuable. Think it's time to cut our losses and regroup. Let's go before Lantern gets free or Flash wakes up."
"R-right." Piper helped James up and they followed after Len.
Sam was waiting for them at the hideout with an icepack over his eye and a big bag of loot sitting in front of him on the coffee table. His injuries didn't look that bad, and as he actually got loot it was a pretty pleasant sight. Mick stumbled in shortly thereafter, lugging an actual complete cash register.
Piper quirked an eyebrow. "Why didn't you just take the drawer?"
"Because Green fucking Lantern was on my ass and I wasn't thinking clearly. Least I got something." Mick snapped, dropping the register with a loud crash onto the floor. "By the by Len, thanks for locking me in the gift shop with him. You're a real team player, you know that?"
"You managed, didn't you?" Len said, though he didn't sound terribly pleased about it. "Where're Digger and Mark?"
"Flash zipped Boomer right to Iron Heights. And what do you mean where's Mark? I thought he was with you!" Sam said.
"I thought he was with you." Len snapped.
James let out a small groan. "I don't think this thing could have gone any more wrong."
Then Mark fell through the front door. He was covered with black dust from head to foot and his hair was a whole new state of wild. His weather wand was notably absent.
Sam and Len hauled him to the couch. "What's wrong Mark? You okay?" Sam asked.
"I'll…live. Fuckin' Flash." He answered in a shaky voice. "Lectrocuted me at-at least a dozen times...couldn't count exactly...on account a' the...the super speed."
"Yeah, the fuck is up his ass lately anyway?" Mick asked. "I swear, he's been stepping up how much of a prick he is."
"Just stress, I think. Heard he's been having some trouble with that reverse Flash guy." Len answered. "Mark, you good or do you need me to call Travis?"
"Travis? The amoxicillin guy?" Sam stared at Len like he had three heads. "Call Kendra! I need some of her headache pills anyway."
"I'll do it." Mick volunteered before Len could say anything. He trudged over to the phone to dial her house.
"Since I'm mostly okay I'm going to get going. Unless there's anything else?" Piper asked. Len shook his head, grumbled something under his breath and fixed a glare on Mick. "Right…James, are you hanging out here or did you want me to give you a ride?"
"Huh?" James had already stood to follow him, having completely forgotten about their pretense. "Oh, yeah, uh, that'd be great. Bye guys."
Sam waited until they were gone before giving Len a look. "How long have they been hooking up?"
"What, Piper and Trickster? A few months." Len answered dismissively.
"Really?" Mark asked, then broke into a hacking cough. "Didn't know…urgh, Tricks went that way."
"Seriously? I was more surprised about Piper actually." Sam said with a laugh. "It's almost sad how they think they're hiding it."
"I know." Len grinned. "You should have seen Hartley when Flash was attacking James, it was-"
"Guys, Kendra's not picking up!" Mick interrupted. "Home, cell or the emergency line. I think we've got a problem."
Len's face paled. Mark curled up on the couch while Sam went to look for Travis' number, muttering about timing. Mick caught Len's eye. "Um, we're checking this out, aren't we?"
Len swallowed, then nodded. He reached for a cold gun. "Yeah, of course. We said we'd have her back, didn't we?"
"Thought so. So…it's the two of us then?" Mick asked.
"I'm certainly not going anywhere." Mark said.
Sam sat down on the arm of the couch with a list of phone numbers, looking through it for another crime doctor. "I'm gonna hang in here. You guys call us if you need back up, okay?"
"Yeah, sure thing." Mick said with a nod. He looked at Len. "So, shall we?"
"I guess we have to." Len snarled.