there's absolutely nothing that can feeling that
bring you down quite like
rejection can
Courtney's POV:
What just happened? Did I do something wrong? My eyes flickered open just in time to see the back of Tom's head walking towards the steps. I stood there for a moment replaying everything in my head. I leaned against the door; he leaned in, but no kiss. I felt like I was doing a simple math problem but getting the wrong answer as if 2+2=5. I gave up trying to understand and the alcohol wasn't helping. I unlocked the door and headed to bed.
The next day I tried to keep myself busy so I didn't have to think about what didn't happen and so Cailyn wouldn't ask. It was bugging me so much so that every time a McFly song came on iTunes, I would turn it off. But it was all a reminder of how things had ended the night before.
I tried to justify it, though. It was a good thing we didn't kiss because he was engaged. He has a fiancée; he isn't interested in me. It was probably just the alcohol that almost had us kiss. And if it was only the alcohol, it wouldn't have been a good kiss anyway. And for all I know Tom might only see me as a younger sister instead of an attractive woman.
But oh how I longed to feel his lips on mine. I would have given anything for him to kiss me. It sucked to be so close and nothing coming of it. What hurt the most was being so close to him feeling the way I do and not knowing what he was thinking, how he was feeling.
Tom wasn't in class the next time we had class and I was curious that if the night we went out was the cause. Was he afraid to be near me? Was he scared I would try and kiss him? Did he want nothing to do with me? Did he have feelings for me and was scared to screw things up with his fiancée? All these questions kept running through my head and I could barely concentrate on what I was supposed to be playing. Every time the door opened to the classroom, I was hoping I would see his beautiful brown eyes sparkling back at me, but it was never him.
I drove home thinking I should call him and let him know the professor was going to give a quiz during next class. But I kept thinking I shouldn't just in case he didn't want to talk to me. Maybe he was avoiding me like I had been avoiding him for the past couple of weeks. Even though I had been mad at him, I would have wanted him to call me and let me know about the upcoming test or quiz.
I checked the apartment to make sure that Cailyn wasn't home incase Tom and I were to discuss the other night. I locked my bedroom door behind me and I pulled out my cell phone. I clicked down in the phonebook until his name was highlighted. I pressed the little green phone icon to dial his number. I held the phone to my ear as 'Another One Bites the Dust' played as I waited for him to pick up.
"Hey Court," he answered awkwardly.
"Hey, I know you missed class today so I just wanted to let you know that Professor Clarke is giving a quiz next class."
"Thanks for the heads up. Anything else happen in class?" he asked nervously.
I thought for a moment almost second guessing what was said in class about us, but I felt I needed something to break the tension. "Well Professor Clarke asked if I knew why you weren't in class. She thought we were attached at the hip and was surprised to not see us together."
He chuckled to himself, "Yeah, we do come off that way don't we?"
"Yeah, if people didn't know any better they would think we were together." I regretted saying it after it came out, but it lead to what needed to be said between us.
Tom cleared his throat before speaking again. "I'm kinda glad you called. We need to talk about what happened the other night."
"Oh okay," I swallowed hard. This didn't sound good.
"Look, I had a really good time the other night. I couldn't have imagined it with any other person. You're an amazing person and you're one of the only people I've been able to open up about stuff, about the band. But I think the alcohol made things a little weird between us and I think that maybe next time we take it easy on the alcohol."
Okay, I know I had tried to justify the whole kiss thing but he can't honestly be telling me that after he admitted how wonderful he thought I was and how I'm the only one he could open up to, that it was just the alcohol that got us so close to kissing. I think he was looking for an easy way out. "I don't think it was just the alcohol, but I'm sure it didn't help."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked the anger taking over his voice.
I half chuckled, "You know exactly what that means, Tom. You don't say the things you've said to me and try to blame it only on alcohol. What almost happened, happened because you subconsciously wanted it to happen."
"I knew you wouldn't understand. You're too young to understand. I'm getting married and the only reason I might have wanted it to happen was because I have cold feet. Yeah, I'm scared about living with one person for the rest of my life, nothing else," he emphasized his point with a tone I hadn't heard before, one that almost scared me.
"Whatever Tom, you can use whatever excuse you want to ease your guilt about nothing happening. When you realize that nothing happened and that you have some serious issues within your relationship than call me, until then I don't need your problems, I have my own."
I didn't wait for him to reply. I didn't want to hear him get angry or make up some other excuse like he didn't want to talk to me again. It killed me to reject him like that, but I didn't need his issues. And honestly, if he was truly happy with Rachel, then he didn't need me in his life. And if he wasn't happy, I would know where I stood in his life.