Transcendence

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own anything with regards to these characters

September 15th.

Again.

The day that has every year has torn me open just as completely as that first day alone in the forest. At least over the last five years they have mostly learned to leave me alone. Seth is, honestly, the only one I can even tolerate today; He sits quietly at the table sketching in his notebook.

Today, more than any other, I hate this life, almost to the point of pure, utter resentment and loathing. The mundanity and the repetitiveness grate on what few nerves I have left. Who would have ever thought I would end up a housewife at 23? To the beta of pack of werewolves no less; The fall-back house mother to the pack.

Of course, Charlie and Billy had both been thrilled when I accepted Jake's proposal. He my best friend: the first person to actually get through to me after…

And anyway, what else was Juliet supposed to do when Romeo dumped her ass? Paris was standing there with a ring. Sweet, kind, understanding, best friend Paris. Paris who knew Juliet was broken, incapable of ever being repaired. Paris who knew Juliet would never be capable of loving him the way she'd loved Romeo. Paris who loved her even though she could never give him her heart.

Even though Romeo had taken her heart with him.

We were married the week after Jacob graduated from high school. Amid all the excitement- well, Jacob's excitement- Billy never mentioned he was sick.

Six months after the wedding he slipped away from us forever.

Soon after, we moved into the house Jacob had grown up in. It was so long before he stopped imagining the ghost of his father, making the home a living homage to his memory. The day I came home from the store and Jacob was tearing out the wheelchair ramp I knew he had finally made his peace.

Charlie married Sue Clearwater ultimately. In my fog, I had never even noticed them growing closer in the wake of Harry's and then Billy's deaths.

That, of course, that meant Seth and Leah were now my step siblings. Which was awkward. Not so much awkwardness from Seth, but I knew not even becoming family would ever be enough to encourage friendship between me and Leah.

Time passed so fast.

There were moments that were still unbearable. It felt like the very split-second Jacob slipped that ring on my finger all the joy and sunlight he brought back into my life faded. I recoiled back into the twilight that had filled my life since they left. Maybe it was the just the finality of that, the final acceptance that everything I had hoped for was officially gone.

Juliet had settled for Paris and Romeo would never be back…

"Bella?" Seth's voice, tinged with worry, broke through my reverie.

"Yeah?" I answered, barely recognizing my own raw voice.

"Are you okay? You just sort of…froze."

"As okay as I'm going to be."

He just nodded and went back to his sketches. Seth reminded me of Charlie sometimes. He didn't hover. Or he did, but was so unobtrusive and easily ignored that I didn't notice.

This day always brought out the worst in Jake: He would whine about filthy bloodsuckers and I would still be defensive of my former almost-family and we would fight. So he avoided me. Not so much even avoided; I knew as I looked out the window he was out there in the trees watching in his wolf form.

The rest of the pack, with the exception of Seth, annoyed me on a good day. Things had been so… good in the beginning. I adored each and every one of them. They all were like the siblings Renee had never given me but, over time things changed. The further I descended into my grey abyss the less and less tolerant they became with my moods and the less tolerant I became with their… immaturity, I guess. Maybe there was something about the fact that, at least for a while, they were essentially immortal that made them such eternal teenagers. Maybe I was just jealous that as long as they phased they would never change and I would age.

Just like he wanted for me.

I simply didn't understand how Emily could look at the group of rambunctious wolves like playful little brothers.

And it didn't help that, since I was married to the pack beta I was the one they were supposed to come to for human help when Emily wasn't available.

Maybe my lack of tolerance was the ultimate sign that Jake had never actually imprinted on me. That he had simply wanted to believe that he had so much that he started believing it. I know I didn't believe it. I knew the rest of the pack didn't either.

"I'm going for a drive." I tossed the dish towel on the counter and grabbed my keys.

"Figured." Seth sighed and flung his notebook toward the bookcase in the other room, following me out the door. He climbed into the passenger side of my rickety truck. He already knew where we were going. He knew the route as well as I did after all these trips.

There was only one real condition to Seth's babysitting: I asked that he stay human the whole time. I didn't want Jacob to have the live play-by-play of my actions and decisions. I knew he wouldn't speak again until we returned to La Push. It wasn't a condition, just a habit.

Seth sighed again and shuddered unconsciously as we crossed the border into forbidden territory but remained silent. I think every single time I drove to their house over that last summer I missed the slight opening in the tree line that marked the turn off onto the long drive. It was almost ironic, that now they were absent, I never missed the turn off anymore. The tears came, as they always did, as I drove down the long overgrown drive. The tall white house still loomed there, stately, cold and unchanged by the passage of time.

Just like them, a treacherous voice in my head whispered.

I parked the truck and got out, collapsing to my knees and slumping onto the grass. For just a moment I looked into the mocking façade of the building before the wrenching sobs overtook me. My grief became my world, blocking out everything around me. The universe could have ended and I still would have been sitting there letting my heart rend itself over and over.

All too soon I felt Seth's warm arms lifting me from the frosty ground and carrying me back to the truck. I hadn't even realized hours had passed and the bright moon hung high in the pitch black sky. He drove us back to the house, still my silent guardian. I was vaguely aware him handing the key off to Jacob with a look and then disappearing. My tears started anew as my husband's scalding arms lifted me from the vehicle.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, was all I could think as exhaustion finally claimed me.

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