My eyes dart across the small room I have come to know all too well. My eyes finally make it to the pictures on the wall before me and I slightly cringe. In the middle is a picture of Booth, Sweets and I at least year's F.B.I awards ceremony. I would give anything to just have a second chance of that night. It was the best night of my life and if I knew then what I know now, I would have never let him let me go.
But I did let him go. I let him go all too easily. Instead of being the strong willed woman I once was, I was a meek, meager speck of that woman. And I let that man run as far away as he could.
And run he did. I told him I loved him and he ran.
Didn't they always say I would be the one to run?
So now I sit here for one last session of partner's counseling… screw it. It was always couple's counseling. He was always my Booth and I was all his Bones but never his Temperance.
"She won't say anything… she just watches me." My eyes dart back to the man before as he stands and paces, "See! See! Like that." He points at me and glares, "How am I supposed to work with that?"
"I am right here…" I grunt, "As quite as you seem to think you are neither quite or being considerate. I can still hear you…"
"See why I left! I cannot take this… I cannot take her anymore." He turns away from me and my heart shatters into a thousand pieces as the daggers of hate imbed my soul. When did we become so broken… so shattered… just partners?
"I tell you I love you and this is your response?" My voice cracks. I try to rationalize my emotions but it is utterly useless, all my rationalizing went out the window the day this man decided to walk out of my life.
No amount of reasoning or compartmentalizing will ever fix the mess I have become. Only one man and one truth will solve all my nightly woes and as my heart shatters before him, I know this will be the debt I will have to pay for the mistakes I have made. I love him. I always have, I always will. But somehow my always will never be good enough. Somehow I will never be good enough.
"You didn't tell me you love me… you told Sully you did. For all I know you were just trying to get him off your back. We all know how you feel about him… the world knows how you feel about him." He gestures widely, rolling his eyes for emphasis.
"So I stopped my duties as anthropologist to drive here to NOT see my ex-boyfriend? If I didn't want to see my ex-boyfriend I would have not come here. I would have stayed at the lab, far away from you and him but I didn't. I came here to talk to you but clearly you have already made up your mind. It is obvious there is nothing I can say or do to change that. Apparently being your partner only counts when it is convenient for you, in such matters as your socks or your hair. But you can move across the country and even though it has direct implications on me and my work environment, I have no say in the matter."
"Agent Booth" Sweets folded his hands in his lap, turning to him, "What do you think of this development?"
"I am still moving to Seattle." He barks, sliding back into the couch next to me but refusing to give me the satisfaction of a glance.
"See! Everyone rambles on and on about how if I just tell him how I feel, it will magically fix everything and he will stay. Nothing will. He is still leaving." I slowly begin picking at my skirt, "He is still leaving… me."
"I am not…"
"Here we go again… all the reasons why his leaving is not my fault."
"Have you ever thought about the fact that I may not be doing this for myself? I may have other reasons… better reasons for moving beside the ones you seem to have conjured up while ignoring me."
"Yeah, she is tall, blonde and has the I.Q. of a fry."
"Hey! I will have you know I am not dating anyone. The woman you saw me with last week was my realtor, I do need a place to live while I am out there. That is unless you want me to live in a cardboard box."
"Uh huh." I poke him in the shoulder, "I saw the way you looked at her. You thought she was sexually appealing. I know your type."
"So… great Temperance Brennan, who exactly is my type?" He finally turns to me and glares.
"Great legs… tall… sexually promiscuous…"
"Ha! You are really funny, you know that? Really funny. I may be a legs man but I in no way date sexually promiscuous women, what type of example would that be setting for Parker?"
"I have seen the type of woman you… require."
"I require? What am I, an experiment?"
"Your needs as a man. As a sexually appealing man of your stature I am sure you have certain sexual needs that need to be met."
"I have not…" He turns away and blushes, "I have not made love in four years. Those needs are long since gone. What about you little miss boyfriend-of-the-week, how long as it been?" He chuckles lightly and the flicker in his eyes only means one thing, he knows I have been caught.
My mind begins to race as snapshots of all my past sexual encounters flutter through. The few memorable ones make me tense but as they become more and more recent, the sex becomes mediocre at best. Eight years ago I had the best sex of my life but soon things had changed and I could only find myself thinking of one man, the one unobtainable man who changed my views on life, love and eternity.
As the years went on I tried to find a man that would at least quince my primal need for sex but those years quickly slipped through my fingertips. Soon I found myself wanting more and more of this illusive love he spoke of and less of the life I had once known. It wasn't until I found myself at my favorite bar unable to find any man desirable that my mind finally was set. As soon as Booth stepped into the room my heart soared and instantly shattered as I knew he was the only one in the room I knew I would never have. That was the night I knew I love him.
And ever since then, he was the only one I could think of in a capacity that includes my heart. Although that was three years ago, the butterflies have eternally taken hold of my body and have rock me down to the core every time that man enters the room. Even when I know it is much too late to salvage any of my hopes and dreams of a life with him, a part of me still lives in what I wished could be.
"I have had sex recently but…" I stand and walk to the window, watching the world pass me by as the tears cascade down and take hold of my one last standing stronghold of inner strength.
"Dr. Brennan?" Sweets asks, breaking the silence. "It would be wonderful if you would at least finish this session… for old time sake."
I slowly nod, refusing to look away from the window until I know his eyes are solely focused on me.
"You asked about love, making love." I turn to him, leaning back against the wall and placing my heart on my sleeve for the first time in years, "Never. I have never had anything more than primal animal urges… just pathetic sex." My eyes roll closed as waves of fear and relief cause my heart to shatter, "But making love… that is the one thing I now know that will make me complete and I know I will forever be broken."