With every passing second of silence my heart shatters more, knowing that as each second passes the chance my words have made an impact diminishes. The man may pride himself on reading people but this deep secret I have held onto so long, I barely believe it. If it wasn't for the midnight sweats and the fleeting memories of a hallow life before him, I would pass it off as a figment of imagination. But the feeling I feel for him is real, it is real as an atom or the earth revolving around the sun. I know this to be fact.
I love him… and I always will.
Without notice he looks up at me and sighs, knowing I would not just open up and confess things willingly if I was not desperate. He glances down at his watch and blinks before turning his attention back to me.
"You love me? Ha!" He laughs, "Bones, you don't even believe in love. How can you possibly do something you don't even believe in?"
"Well… maybe I do now." I humbly speak, looking up at him and shaking, "Maybe you changed my views on things and I can't see myself without you. All I can see is that you showed me the perfection that love is and now are showing me the cold reality that I am unlovable. If you are incapable of loving me then no one can. When no one else wanted to even be around me, you were there. After all the verbal beatings and attempting to push you away, you believed in me and stayed. You were the first person to show me there is more out there then my logical reasoning… that maybe I was wrong." I lightly sob, waiting for the door to slam shattering any hope I had at redemption.
"You're just saying that because you don't want me to leave." He abruptly cuts me off, "You want to have me around so I can remind you to eat and sleep, nothing more."
"That is what you think, Booth? That is really all you think you are to me?" My voice breaks as reality sets in. Have I treated him that horribly that he believes I am only capable of using him? Maybe I am the one who is truly the failure. I cannot even convince my best friend that I care. I am pathetic and sad. My eyes roll back up and stare at him, knowing whatever verbal beating he is going to dish out I deserve.
He hesitates but slightly nods in response, staying a safe distance from me but at least moving into the apartment. Slight progress is still progress I guess.
My hands begin to slowly tremble as what I need to do hits me like a ton of bricks, over all the years I have divulged almost all of my secrets. Now it is down to one. My secret weapon is something that has not seen the light of day in years… ever since he 'died'. I promised myself on that day that I would never live with regret and would never have a need for it. But as I sit here, my soul barely clinging to life I find that it is my only chance to save the only relationship that has made any sense to me.
I stand and slowly make it to the hallway before I turn back to him. I lean against the wall to steady myself, knowing my next few words might cause my body to give in.
"Booth…" I whisper and he looks up, slightly distraught at the site before him, "I need to show you something… please stay." I practically grovel, hoping my legs don't give in.
He gives me a non-committal grunt and nod.
Within moments I am back in the living room standing before him and holding a mound of yellowed pages covered in red ink.
"This is the first draft of my first novel…" I speak, refusing to look up from the manuscript. "I know it may not seem like much but you should be able to find the answers you need in here. It is the unedited version, all my… mistakes" I cringe slightly as the word rolls off my lips, "and true intentions."
He takes the papers from me and lightly flips through the pages, stopping at first block of red ink. He reads the first sentence and looks up at me, I cringe.
"Andy's name was Seeley?" He almost whispers.
I nod slowly, refusing to look up from my feet.
"Bones… look at me…" He soothes, trying to coax my secret out, "Bones what are you trying to say?" He speaks with such innocence it almost shatters my already fragile heart.
"Booth… I… I… do you know why I refused to work any cases with you after our first case?" I slightly pause, refusing to give him time to answer, "I was scared… the emotions I felt for you were so intense… so real, they scared me. I had never felt anything close to what I felt when I was around you. You opened me up to the world in the few short weeks we worked together. I knew I couldn't go back to the way I was but I also knew I could not possibly deal with you rejecting me. So I… as illogical as it seems now… tried to rationalize my feelings away. I was… or at least I thought at the time I was successful but I have come to learn over the last few weeks that I was just pretending." I pause and step forward, placing my hands over his, "Booth, I have always loved you."
His eyes flutter down to the pages then back up at me.
"Bones... I…"
"I understand. You don't believe it would be fair to you for you to believe me now; after all we have been though. If you do not want a relationship I guess I will live with the consequences."
"No, that is not it." He rubs his thumbs over my hands, "I know this will sound awful but I have been up for days and really need sleep. I want to do this right, flesh out all the details without falling asleep on you." He clenches my hands tightly as I begin to shake, "I am not saying I don't want this… I just need some sleep. I am not running from you… just sleep. You got that Bones? Just sleep, nothing more."
I slightly nod, refusing to move and let him leave.
"Booth… you know I have a guest room… if you… don't want to drive home…" I hesitantly speak, unsure of his response.
"That sounds great, Bones." He briefly smiles, "On one condition… can I take these papers with me? You know… to read them?"
I exhale a sharp breath and smile, moving to his side. He drops my hands and takes a few steps forward before stopping and turning, waiting for an answer.
"Of course, Booth." I blush, "They are yours to keep… you deserve to know."