Chapter Meet Second Division, try not to get killed

Letting go of my breath fiercely, I scowl at the eight slice toaster in front of me. I'd woken up, my face nuzzling Renji's neck and had not been happy. I hate my life. Really. Don't give me the crap about being really lucky/at least I'm not starving to death/I'm not a child slave/thank god I'm not involved in some random war (though I was). I mean, being forced to marry Renji and raise a kid, that's the worst thing in the world. Although, Renji's not really that bad...

No. Did not think that.

And, whaddya know? Speak of the devil, and, poof, he shall appear.

Renji slouches into the kitchen and eyes me.

"You still pissed?"

"Eloquent. And yes."

"Bastard," he mutters.

"What's that?" I ask sharply. He rolls his eyes at me, and ignores me as he grabs four slices of toast.

"Do we have to visit Second Division today?" I ask. He nods. Sighing, I go to get Hisana.

During the Winter War, there'd been a few changes made to the vice captain and above ranks.

First: Nothing

Second: Omaeda died, Yoruichi became fukutaicho (to Soi Fon's horror: 'Yoruichi-sama shouldn't have to deal with the lowly rank of Fuku-Taichou!' Creep.)

Third: Kira became Taichou, no vice captain yet.

Fourth: Nothing

Fifth: I became Taichou, Hinamori remained as Fuku-Taichou

Sixth: Rukia became vice captain

Seventh: Nothing

Eighth: nothing

Ninth: Renji became Taichou, Hisagi remained as Fuku-Taichou

Tenth: nothing

Eleventh: no change (sadly)

Twelfth: Everyone kept their positions, but Urahara was made head of that...Institute of Technology or whatever it is.

Thirteenth: no change, still no vice captain.

So yeah, going to Second with Hisana meant revealing her to the destructive force commonly known as Yoruichi. Or, as I heard Byakuya so aptly named her, Demon Cat.

I picked up a dressed Hisana and took her back to the lounge room, as she hugged me happily.

"Mummy," she said suddenly, "Can I have my own room?"

"Huh?" I asked dumbly, putting her down on a sofa and staring at her. "Whaddya say?"

"I want my own room? Please?"

"Why not?" asks Renji, coming over and looking at her. "You can have my old bed, we can have it moved from my house over here."

I shrug weakly, before cracking.

"Oh, Hisana's growing up!" I say happily, picking her up and hugging her fiercely. She laughs and hugs me back, nuzzling my neck.

"Okay," says Renji slowly, staring at me in shock. "That was...just ...weird." He stares at me.

"Hey!" I snap. "I'm allowed to be ...parental, ne?"

"Yeah...but that...was just...so...unlike you?" he tries weakly. "It was too...Isshin-like."

My mouth drops open. "No!" I moan, sinking onto the chair." I'm turning into Isshin. Noooo!"

Renji smirks and hands me some more toast. I absently begin feeding some to Hisana while eating some myself.

"Anyway, we should get going," says Renji suddenly. I scowl at him before forcing Hisana onto the floor and off my lap. Sighing, I rise and take Hisana's hand as we leave the apartment.

By the time we get there, both Renji and I are holding Hisana's hands, she's in the middle, and we are pointedly ignoring everyone's stares.

"Hisana-chan! I've heard soo much about you!" exclaims Yoruichi, bouncing to us in cat form.

"ARGH! Catty's talking!" exclaims Hisana, leaping backwards.

I smirk. "Yoruichi! You scared Hisana! You should be punished."

"No one should punish Yoruichi-sama!" snaps Soi Fon, walking towards us. She scowls at all of us, as Yoruichi switches back to human form (thankfully in all of her clothes). "Renji," Soi Fon says finally, dipping her head to Renji, "I received your Hell Butterfly. Thank you...for ...advising us."

"You mean warning you," I say drily. Soi Fon flushes. I smirk.

"Well, why don't we start showing Hisana around?" asks Yoruichi, saving the slightly awkward moment, probably with something she learnt as a noble. Renji and I nod.

"Whoa...Catty's a person."

"Catty," says Yoruichi, smiling. "Never heard that one before. Demon Cat, yes. Catty, no."

Hisana stares at her. "Why would someone call you 'Demon Cat'?" she asks.

"Plenty of reasons," I mutter, only loud enough for everyone but Soi Fon to hear. Yoruichi smirks, and Renji smiles in agreement.

We head into the Second Division offices, and as I expected, it's quite similar to all the other offices.

Except, of course, for all the ninja stuff, and all that.

"What's that?" asks Hisana, pointing to a torture machine. It's a boot with blades in it. You put it on (or rather someone (aka Soi Fon/Yoruichi/one of their minions) forces it onto you) and the blades pierce your foot. Painful. Wish Aizen/Gin/Tousen/Soi Fon/Yoruichi/Yama had to wear it.

"It's a special boot," says Soi Fon.

"Whoa! Can I wear it?" asks Hisana, crossing to it.

"No!" I snap.

"Why not?" asks Hisana, looking at me.

"It's a ... boot... for...torture."

"What's torture?" asks Hisana, looking at all of us.

Soi Fon explains, "It's a method used to punish or extract information from people who either deserve it or refuse to tell us the information."

"Huh?"

"It's only for bad people," I say weakly, glaring at Soi Fon. "Soi Fon, she's what? Four? Do you really expect her to understand that?"

"Yes."

I feel like banging my head against the wall.

"So can I wear it?" asks Hisana, looking at the boot. "Mummy...this boot has spikes in it."

"Don't wear it," I say, picking her up.

Mummy?" asks Yoruichi, smirking. "Uke, eh?"

I glare at her, not bothering to answer that perverted question.

"I'm gonna say that's a yes," she says. Rolling my eyes, I punch her in the arm. Automatically, Soi Fon's Zanpakuto's at my throat, pressing me against the wall.

"Do not defile Yoruichi-sama with your dirty touch Kurosaki!" she snaps, pushing the Zanpakuto against my throat. I stare at it.

"Err...sorry?" I try, weakly. Hisana's eyes widen.

"Mummy!" she exclaims.

"Relax Soi Fon," says Yoruichi gently, pushing her student away. "I'm sure Ichigo-kun didn't mean it."

"Apologies for the disturbance, Yoruichi-sama," says Soi Fon, bowing slightly. Yoruichi smiles at her, and gestures to all of us.

"C'mon! We're still in the hallway! Got so much to do, so little time. Only one day. I need more time to teach the girl..."she says.

"Teach who?" I demand, walking to her, and glowering at her. Yoruichi puts an arm out to stop Soi Fon's Zanpakuto arm while smiling at me.

"No one, of course. You must've misheard me," she says, still smiling.

That smile doesn't make me feel any calmer, it just stresses me out more.

Sighing, I rejoin Renji and Hisana. Renji grins at me and takes my hand, squeezing it slightly. It makes me feel instantly calmer, so I smile at him. Hisana latches onto both of us.

"There's the captain's room, which should rightfully belong to Yoruichi-sama-"

"I told you, Soi Fon, I'd like you to be Taichou."

"Still, I'd feel-"

"I know, I know. You've told me that millions of times, Soi Fon, but continue with the tour," Yoruichi says, sighing slightly.

"Gomensai, Yoruichi-sama. Anyway, Taichou's room, fukutaicho's room, where Yoruichi-sama resides, our joint office. Then, all the seated officers' rooms..."

I tune out. I already know all this stuff. So I don't listen. Until we get to the torture rooms, that is.

"These are our torture rooms. Kurosaki, do you want to demonstrate the use of some of these creations?" asks Soi Fon, grinning.

I stare blankly at her until I realize what's she's saying.

"Hell no!" I snap. "I'm not being your guinea pig for torture machines!"

"Aww, c'mon Mummy... Please?" asks Hisana. I turn and death glare her.

"I'm not gonna do it!" I snap. "Torture machines mean pain! I don't wanna be in pain!"

"But I wanna see how they work," grumbles Hisana, looking sad. I groan.

"If you wanna see how they work, then go to the torture rooms with Soi Fon and Yoruichi," I grumble back.

"Okay!" says Hisana cheerfully. God, her mood swings are this bad already, imagine when she's a teenager. Actually, let's not. "Yoruichi Obsesser and Cat Girl, can you show me how they work?" she asks, looking sweet and innocent.

Oh, how that so completely contradicts her personality. She's a whole lot meaner than her appearance lets on.

Soi Fon looks pretty pissed at her nickname and says nothing. Yoruichi nods eagerly, though, and begins to shunpo away.

"Hey!" Hisana calls. "I can't run that fast!" she pouts. Yoruichi turns, frowning.

"What?" she asks, shunpoing back. "Ichigo or Renji haven't taught you to shunpo?"

"No, and we don't plan to," snaps Renji. I nod in agreement.

"Can you?" asks Hisana, looking up at Yoruichi with her puppy dog eyes.

Why am I worried?

"Yoruichi-sama shouldn't waste her time like that," snaps Soi Fon.

"Oh, be quiet Soi Fon. Of course I'm gonna teach Hisana-chan to shunpo!"

"NO!" I snap. "Imagine what she could get up to!"

"Precisely!" chuckles Yoruichi. I death glare her angrily.

"Do not be so uncourteous to Yoruichi-sama!" snaps Soi Fon, backhanding me. I fall against the wall, having been caught off guard, but bounce back up, and glare at her.

"What would you say if your child was going to be taught to shunpo by her?!" I snap. God, she's annoying.

"I would be grateful and proud!" she replies. I stare at her.

"Considered going to a psychiatrist lately?" I ask coldly. Grumbling, massaging a bruise appearing on my face, I turn to Yoruichi.

Only she's not there.

Neither is Hisana.

Sht.

Renji and I dash down the corridor, veer into an adjoining one, and follow Yoruichi's reiatsu to a training dojo. It takes us what? Half an hour? God, she took a helluva lot of U turns and circle following.

Hisana is shunpoing around happily. Oh God. Oh no. Oh the-world-is-going-blow-up-and-it's-not-America's-fault-it's-Yoruichi's.

"Yay!" she cries, shunpoing towards us, and leaping onto me. I stagger backwards under her weight, and then grab her, glaring at Yoruichi, who's sniggering happily.

"She's a quick learner," remarks Yoruichi, crossing towards us. "I reckon, she could go in and get out of the Academy in one year. Then, she could rise to third seat in Second in one decade. She gives Hitsugaya a run for his money."

"You're assuming she'll come to Second. I'm gonna make sure that never happens," says Renji. I nod in agreement.

Seriously, think about it. The three highest ranked women in Second Soi Fon, Yoruichi and Hisana? Please. It'd be worse than Yachiru actually being a Taichou, and there's been petitions to make sure that never happens.

I mean, people have been known to have nightmares over that.

(Admittedly, it was a clinically insane guy from Eleventh who'd just been forced to take care of Yachiru for a month, but still...)

"Oh she's coming to Second all right," says Yoruichi, with a maniac glint in her eyes. "Or else, I'll make sure whichever division gets her doesn't get a second of peace."

"And if it's First?"

"I've got contacts, Abarai, I've got contacts."

"I hope you're not abusing Yoruichi-sama, Abarai, Kurosaki," says a dangerous voice. I gulp. Soi Fon.

"Soi Fon-chan! Kurosaki and Abarai won't let Hisana-chan come to Second, and I think it would be amazing if she did, because she'd be a wonderful asset to Second Division! It would be in the best interests of Second Division and in your continued love of me to make sure Hisana-chan comes to Second Division!" wails Yoruichi, tears dripping down her face. "I would get so many sleepless nights if she didn't come, it would be so upsetting!" she adds, hugging Soi Fon, and sobbing into her shoulder.

Soi Fon's eyes widen, and she wraps an arm around Yoruichi, pulling her closer, and pats the little !#&('s head.

Tilting her head slightly, Yoruichi flashes a purely evil, insane smile at us.

It's nearly as bad as Gin's.

Nearly as bad. Note that. No smile is as purely evilly creepy as Gin's. It's not humanely possible.

(Forget the fact that most of the Gotei 13 is inhumanely insane, and can do inhumane things.)

"What did you say to her?" demands Soi Fon, looking insulted. "No one refuses Yoruichi anything, not unless they have a death wish." She looks murderous.

Ah...I'm gonna back away now, and, you know, hide! Somewhere dark and mysterious where this little creep commonly known as Soi Fon can't find me!

"Um, well, you know. Hisana hasn't actually even enrolled at the Academy, and we'd like to keep her options, you know, open. She can decide for herself, you know," Renji says weakly, backing away. Hisana smiles and leaps off me, and hugs Yoruichi.

"Don't cry, Yoruichi-chan," she says. Then, she frowns. "What are you crying about, anyway?"

Soi Fon looks amazed as Yoruichi sniffs dramatically, and looks up from Soi Fon's shoulder. "Your parents won't let you come to Second when you graduate from the Academy," she says.

"Well, I haven't gone to the Academy yet, and you're the only division I've met so far, so how can I know which division I want to go to?" Hisana points out.

It's kind of sad that a four year old child can have better logic than a Taichou and a fukutaicho.

Then again, this is Second Division.

Not so surprising then.

"True," mutters Yoruichi.

"How come you listen to her and not us?" I ask.

Soi Fon glares at me.

I gulp.

"Don't worry then," I say weakly.

"Oh well you look at that!" exclaims Yoruichi. "It's time for the captain meeting! Time to get going then! Hey Hisana, I know this place in Rukongai where you can get a heap of teddy bears, and stuffed animals. Wanna come with me tomorrow? I'm sure you'll love it!"

"Oh my fricking god," I mutter. Renji glances at me, raising an eyebrow. I glance at him, and reply, "She's trying to get Hisana to like her so much that when she graduates, Hisana comes straight to Second."

"Well, I'm sure not every division can like her and claim her for their own. I mean, that'd be an inter-division war."

"You just jinxed us, Renji," I mutter.

We head to the First Division and find ourselves slightly late. Che.

Okay. More than slightly. Yeah, Shunsui's already here. So what? It means we're what? An hour late? Who cares?

I mean, sure. If you arrive at a meeting and Shunsui's already there, it means you're seriously late. And we've just arrived and Shunsui's here already. Che.

"Finally! You're here! What took you so long? No, don't answer that! I'm sure you had a nice romantic time together, Ichi-kun, Ren-kun!" cries Yamamoto. I can hear someone snicker. They can die. Now.

"We were at Second, Yama-jii," Renji mutters, putting a hand on my arm to stop me from attacking someone.

"Oh," says Yama disappointedly. Then he brightens. "Anyway, Ren-kun, Ichi-kun, I have this amazing idea!"

Now I'm worried.

"You have to vacate your house for the weekend! 'Cause I'm gonna get it remodeled! Is that not an awesome idea?! Is it not the epitome of awesome ideas! Is it not the epitome of awesomeness!"

What is it with 'epitome' and 'awesome' these days?

"Um, no."

"Ichi-kun! It is an amazingly awesomely fantastically epitomic idea!"

"Yeah...No."

"You are going to agree with it because it is an amazingly awesomely fantastically epitomic idea, Ichi-kun," says Yamamoto dangerously. I can feel his reiatsu gather around me. Good thing I'm stronger than him.

"Just agree with it," mutters Renji, his breath slightly labored. I stare at him.

"You want Yama to remodel the house?" I ask.

"How bad can it get?"

"You just jinxed us, again," I say tiredly. "Yeah, sure, whatever, Yama."

"Great! I'll get started right away!" cries Yamamoto excitedly. "You and Ren-kun can stay at the Seireitei Hotel and Hisana-chan can stay with ..."

"She can stay with us," Yoruichi says. God. Manipulative btch. Though, seeing as she is a noble... Yeah. No surprises there. Look at Byakuya for one thing.

"Excellent! Now. We'll have a party on Sunday night, 'cause I'll be done by then!"

"Wonderful!" cries Isshin. "I was going to have a party to celebrate their engagement, just with the family, but if you'll have a party for them, we can just mesh them together!"

Isshin is way too happy for my liking.

And if you're wondering what he's doing here, Urahara is the head of that Technology and Research centre, but he works in the real world most of the time. So, Isshin represents Urahara at most of the meetings.

"Great," cries Yama, bouncing from his chair and down the gap between the two lines of Taichou/fukutaicho. He spins around, grinning at everyone. "So, the plan for this weekend. Ren-kun and Ichi-kun will move into the hotel and Hisana-chan will head to Yoruichi-chan's place. I'll get some craftsmen and builders and get their house remodeled. Ren-kun and Ichi-kun will meet Ichi-kun's sisters, and Hisana-chan will go with them. And then, on Sunday, Isshin-kun and I will throw a huge party at their place, and I'll send cleaners, don't worry, Ichi-kun, with heaps and heaps of sake! And everyone's gonna come, right?!" he adds, glaring at the Shinigami around him.

Particularly Byakuya and Hitsugaya and Nanao and Chojiro. I'm not surprised.

"Why do we have no say in this?" I ask.

Yama frowns at me. "What? You don't want any of that to," he sniffs dramatically; "happen?" he looks childishly unhappy.

"Yeah, whatever, but I'm protesting against the fact that you haven't asked me about whether we want any of it to happen?"

"Or me," adds Renji. I nod. "Do we get any say in the design of the house?" he adds.

Oh God.

Oh #&())!#!-ing God.

Yama designing the plans of my house is bad enough. Yama on happy pills designing the plans of my house is just.... KAMI-SAMA! IF YOU HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THIS WORLD, SAVE ME FROM THIS! PLEASE! PLEASE!!

"Oh don't worry! I've done them up already! I can't wait to see the fruits of my labor put into action!" cries Yama happily, bouncing to us and grinning happily.

I instinctively take a step back and stare at him. Behind him, the captains and vice captains are smirking happily, clearly enjoying our pain.

I'm tempted to borrow ...I dunno. Running through them with Senbonzakura or Zangetsu seems good. Or ceroing them all.... Maybe I could borrow Second's torture stuff...Or hand them to Mayuri for experimentation....Urahara might like to use 'em. Or that Espada who likes to experiment, Syazel or whatever his name is, he's still alive...and experimenting.

Yeah.

In my dreams.

Sadly.

Shaking myself back to reality, Renji's gone pale and I'm just white. Hisana seems unbothered.

"I can't wait to see what Old Man does with our house!" she says happily. I twitch. Yama grins and picks her up.

"Yay! I knew you'd like it, Hisana-chan!"

"So when will we be let back into our house?" I finally ask.

"On Sunday, maybe an hour before a party at seven," Yama replies. "So, six. Which should be awesome, ne?"

I sigh. "Do I have any choice?"

"Nope," replies Renji.

A/N: -shakes head- So yes. Yama gets to design their house. -sighs- I. Am. Insane. But oh well. I might put the plans up on deviantart, but I may not. (my username is the same, QueenofBookworms, but I hardly ever go on). So this sets up the next two chapters. And I actually have to write them. I have started, but I need to continue writing. I also have another two ideas, which are the sequel to A Present of Wool, and a new one. I just need time. Gah.

I can't wait to write the next chapters, they're gonna be REALLY fun. And this spells disaster for Renji and Ichigo.

And then, after that, Hisana gets to meet the rest of the Gotei 13. DISASTER. Hopefully, they won't love her like Yoruichi is right now. grins That'd be an inter-division war. Which would be hilarious, and completely in line with this fic.

I might bring in Grimm, Ulqui and Hel from Espada Guide to Parenting. Seeing as this is something of a parody of that...

People who spot any mistakes, plot holes, anything like it, cookies if you tell me. Please.

Disclaimer: Own Hisana Masaki. Nothing else.