Chapter I love annoying my 'partner'
You know, there's probably some God up there who really, really hates me. I mean, why else do I always end up in some comprising position, generally with either Renji or me splayed all over the other or one of us nuzzling the other, or something like that.
Today, it's the classic Renji's head's on my chest, and my arms are wrapped around him.
And don't give me the 'you two are so deeply in love with each other that you always end up in positions like that because you need some way to display your everlasting love to each other'. Please. It makes me sick. It's too mushy and sappy and just completely and utterly false. Plus, if you're saying that sorta thing, you're probably Shunsui/Isshin/Urahara/any other random Shinigami like that, and your opinion does NOT count.
At any rate, I think I can actually deal with having to live with him for the rest of my life. I think. Okay, we're going to be the most insanely at-each-others'-throats couple you would have ever met, but we could live together. Kind of. I think.
And yes, I'm probably thinking about this too much, and I should stop...
...
...
...
...
Wait just one sec.
There's something wet on my chest.
And don't look like at me like that, like Renji and I just...Oh God. You sick-minded people.
Gah.
Why do you guys go around imagining Renji and me in ... Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. You ... Creeps. Perverts.
And it's not sticky, you ... ARGH!
Anyway, I glance down on my chest again, and note Renji's head on my chest... And his mouth is slightly open....
Okay. Now I know what's happened.
A certain Pineapple has drooled all over my chest...
NOT LIKE THAT! YOU ...gah! He is not going 'oh my God, awesome muscled chest, Ichi'. More like the, 'Renji was sleeping on my chest, and has dribbled saliva, SALIVA people, all over my chest'.
And he shall pay.
I'm about to punish him with yelling and kicking and punching and beating him until he's a pulp on the ground, when I have a better idea.
And Renji's gonna hate it, if he's as possessive of me as I think he is.
Ooh, I'm gonna have so much fun.
"Like what you see?" asks Renji, smirking at me. I raise an eyebrow.
"You drooled all over me," I reply, pointing to the evidence. Renji's eyes widen and he blushes fiercely, looking guilty.
"Um, sorry?" he asks tentatively. "Err, why aren't you yelling at me?"
"I'll get my revenge," I say calmly, pushing him off me and walking to the bathroom of the hotel room we're in.
Yeah, hotel room, five star, a king-sized poster bed in the middle, with a large ensuite to one side, and you get the idea.
I can feel Renji's worried gaze on me as he watches me enter the bathroom, and no, he does not follow me, you perverts. Die. The lot of you... fangirls. Cause only fangirls'd think like that.
"Okay, what are you going to do to me?" he asks.
"Nothing," I reply.
"Ichi, you're scaring me."
"Really? I had no idea."
"Okay, tell me what you're gonna do."
I don't.
Half an hour later, I'm outta the bathroom, and wearing a pretty comfortable outfit.
You see, the shirt I'm wearing, I usually wear under my karate outfit. It's black, and elastic. Meaning, it pretty much outlines my entire torso, and because I usually end up with a Roman Army sized legion of fangirls, and even guys, after me, I don't wear it without something over it, ie, my karate outfit.
But I'm wearing it today, and this should be good. Renji's possessive, right? If I'm right, I'll end up with a legion of drooling, nose bleeding people after me, and he'll be pissed. And my revenge will be complete. Cue evil laugh.
I think I'm becoming as cunning and evil as Aizen. Not good. Though one might say it runs in the position... That just makes me worry.
Anyway, the jeans I'm wearing are denim...what do the girls call them? Skinnies? Tight jeans? Whatever.
I walk into the bedroom I'm being forced to share with Renji and eye his position, draped over the bed, staring at the ceiling.
"Eh, you done, Ichi - what the hell are you wearing!?" he yells, staring at me. I think I see drool.
"It's a free country, world, whatever, Pineapple, I can wear whatever I want," I reply casually, as I start to pack my bags. "Now, get changed, we have to go with Hisana and Yoruichi, and god save us, Soi Fon. Then, we got a house to examine and a party to attend. Get going, you bastard," I add, as he stands and walks to me, eyes ogling my body.
"But, but ... there's no way you're wearing that in public!" he yelps.
"I can wear it when it's just the two of us?" I ask innocently. Renji's eyes widen, and I swear he's fantasizing.
"Yeah, sure," he replies, sounding a bit dreamy. Okay, now to knock the bloody fantasies outta his head.
"No," I reply. "If anything, I think I'll wear it a lot more in public, probably less perverts here than in Karakura Town." That's one helluva lie. We have...Shunsui. Isshin. Shinigami. "Course there's gonna be perverts. It's like, a requirement...Except me, of course.
"Ichigo!" he snaps, grabbing me by the shoulder. "You'll get a whole heap of fangirls, and fanboys!"
"Yeah, I think I'd put you down as a fanboy."
"Am not!" he huffs. "At any rate, there's no way in hell I'm gonna let you wear that in public!"
"Really?" I ask innocently.
Then there's a knock.
I answer, to find the maid waiting.
She stares at me, drooling, nose bleeding. The typical stuff.
"Hey," I say, giving her a stunning smile and a wink. The drool increases. She puts on that stupid sexy maid act.
Note to all girls: never do that. It pisses me off to no extent, and it's stupid. Seriously, you should never do that. NEVER.
"Hey," she replies, smiling at me, and shifting closer ... I think it's meant to be discreetly, but it's not.
I can feel Renji starting to get a whole lot more pissed off, especially when I grin at her.
"Well, seeing as you're probably good at this," I murmur to her, "can you just clean the bathroom? Everything else is fine."
The girl grins at me, and replies with a "Sure".
Smiling at her, I walk out, followed by a now dressed Renji. When we get on the lift, he turns. And he looks pissed.
"What. Made. You. Do That?" he growls angrily. I raise an eyebrow at him.
"The seduced maids always clean better," I reply. Growling, he turns away, arms crossed.
Oh, this is fun.
We enter the restaurant in the hotel, and find Hisana, Yoruichi and Soi Fon waiting for us.
"Mummy! Daddy!" yells Hisana, glomping us happily and grabbing the attention of everyone there.
Death glaring anyone who looks at us the wrong way, Renji walks to the table, and dumps himself into the chair. I walk more calmly, being the cool, collected soul that I am, don't give me that disbelieving shit Rukia, carrying Hisana, who's hugging me.
"Hey," I greet the two of them. Yoruichi looks up from her milk to nod once, before returning to the milk. Then, her head bangs up again, as she stares at me.
"What the hell are you wearing?" she demands. Groaning, I cover Hisana's ears.
Goddamnit, seriously, people here need to learn not to swear in front of poor Hisana.
And no, I am not the worst hypocrite you've ever met. Shut up. You too Isshin.
"Don't swear in front of poor Hisana, please," I reply, ignoring the question. Soi Fon's just noticed what I'm wearing, as well as a legion of girls sitting at a group table near us.
"Hey," says one of them, appearing next to me. I look up at her.
"Yep?" I ask.
"Um, what's your name, and ph-phone number?" she asks. Definitely dared.
"What's yours?" I reply, raising an eyebrow as she blushes furiously.
"Um, what's yours?"
"Kurosaki Ichigo, and yes, I am the fifth division Taichou of the Gotei Thirteen," I add, as her eyes widen.
"Er, um, oh, right, er, okay," she says nervously, backing away slowly.
"I'm not gonna bite, unless you want me to," I add, grinning lecherously. She blushes again. I swear her face is redder than Renji's hair... No, I do not compare all shades of red to Renji's hair, okay?
And yep, she's definitely been dared to do this.
Renji is so pissed right now; it's not funny...unless you're me, of course.
"Right, Hisana, want breakfast?" he asks, deliberately ignoring me and speaking directly to Hisana, who's still on my lap.
"Maybe," she says, yawning. "I stayed up to watch the Shrek movies, they were funny! I looooove Donkey!" she adds, grinning happily.
"You do realise you should've gotten her to sleep, right?" I ask the two women. The girl has all but fled, and is talking to the legion of girls, one of whom has fainted from blood loss. I think Unohana's not gonna be happy.
"Maybe," replies Yoruichi, yawning the exact same way as Hisana.
I roll my eyes. "C'mon, breakfast."
An hour and a helluva food later, we leave. Renji is getting steadily more pissed off.
About four hours later
My emotions are insane... Blame it on teenage hormones - you know, the excuse of everything and anything us teenagers do.
Okay, firstly, I'm slightly annoyed. I mean, for the past, I dunno, FOUR HOURS, Hisana has been dragging us around shops in Rukongai looking for stuffed animals. And she still hasn't bought a single thing. Nothing. Zilch. Absolutely no bag we're carrying around. And ya know, it's been four fricking hours with at least two dozen shops.
I really can't wait until she's a teenage girl, swooning over clothes, make up, jewelry, and boys, and dragging us innocent parents around shops looking for clothes. Gah.
Second, I'm in awe ...slightly. Hisana hasn't lost energy, she's still bouncing around. Yoruichi and Soi Fon are still being helpful and energetic, which is scary in itself, and I'm wondering when they'll start picking on me and Renji.
And then, I'm watching Renji, smirking. This guy's switching from horny as hell from what I'm wearing, to pissed off because I don't stop getting attention and being hit on by literally everyone.
It's hilarious.
"Mummy!" cries Hisana, jumping onto my lap. I'm sitting on a handily placed chair in the middle of the latest toy store. "Which bear do you think I should get?"
She shows me two bears. They're exactly the same, except one's black and the other's white.
WTF?
"Um, they're the same."
"No! First. They're different colors! Second. One makes sounds, and the other doesn't!"
"Okay, which one do you like?"
"I like both of them!"
"Get both then," I suggest.
"Demon Cat says that I should pick just one for her to buy."
"Why isn't she buying you both?" I ask. Hah! Beat that, Yoruichi! I'll show you what you'll have to do if you want Hisana in your division! It'll be expensive and tough, and you won't win!
I feel evil. Like Aizen, plotting to bring down the world, except I'm making sure Hisana'll never end up in Second. Hm, do all fifth division captains end up evil and cunning and plotting?
Meh. Who cares? (Yama, but he's no longer sane, even if he was in the first place.)
"Yeah!" cries Hisana delightedly, and she rushes back to see Yoruichi. I smirk and lean back.
"What's happened?" asks Renji drowsily. I lean over him and eye his sleepy face.
"Did you fall asleep?" I ask, amused.
"Yeah," he says, not bothering to push me away as he sits back. Returning to my position, I decide to tell him off and inflict torture.
"Bad boy," I tell him. "Don't fall asleep while your daughter's shopping."
"She's not my daughter," Renji mutters. "And you didn't fall asleep?" he asks me grumpily, raising one tattooed eyebrow.
Bouncing up, I say 'no', and, grabbing his hand, I tug him to where Yoruichi, Hisana, and Soi Fon are.
"Hi!" I tell them in a falsely cheerful voice.
Hisana waves at me before turning back to examine the bear in front of her.
Soi Fon, Yoruichi and Renji leap back and stare at me as though I have the plague. C'mon, I'm not that bad...Don't say anything, Rukia.
"Are you okay?" asks Renji, feeling my forehead with one hand while the other grips my hand. I pout at him.
"I'm fine," I snap. "Anyway, we should help Hisana find a bear, right?"
"Yay!" cries Hisana happily, hugging me. I hear some 'Awww's from a group of girls I swear I saw before...Stalkers? Probably. I swear there's more fangirls in the world than sane, normal humans. Yes, I believe fangirls to be entirely of another species. Seriously, humans can't be that...insane, obsessed, etc.
Meh. I hope the fangirls don't kill me for that. Then again, they'd probably take it as a compliment. Weird...
Anyway
Hisana drags me to the display of bears and picks up the white and the black ones she showed me before.
"Which one is better?" she asks.
"Honey, they're the same."
I can't believe I called her honey. Seriously. What's wrong with me!?
Oh yeah, I'm turning into Isshin. Damnit.
What is it with Kurosaki's and parenting and ending up like Isshin? Then again, I can only prove that when Karin and Yuzu end up as mothers, which won't happen for a while, hopefully.
Not if I have anything to do with it, at least.
"No! They're different colors! That's important!"
"So?"
"Should I get the white or the black, Mummy!? This is important!"
Holy Kami-sama. I'm handing her over to Rukia or someone when she becomes a teenager. Bad parenting, I know, but still.
"Black," I say finally.
"Why?"
"Is this important?" Renji sighs. He automatically gets hit over the head with the bear. "ARGH!"
"Yes, Daddy. It's important!" declares Hisana importantly, standing with her hands on her hips. I can hear Yoruichi and Soi Fon sniggering in the background, but I ignore them.
"Well, the white symbolizes Aizen, and he's bad, so yeah."
"Actually, he's insane now, so that's invalid," says Yoruichi, grinning. I wave my hand carelessly. Who cares whether he's insane now?
And as though she can hear my thoughts, Yoruichi says, "I heard Grimmjow and Ulquiorra landed themselves with a child, some boy they call Helios, or Hel for short." We snigger, recognizing the joke. "Anyway, Aizen's making them get married."
I hate the similarities. I hate it. Why does my life have to be so similar to one of my worst enemies? WHY?! Is there some insane fangirl ruling my world and making me end up in crazy situations, writing it all down and publishing it so other fangirls/boys can laugh at my pain!?
I think I might have thought about this too much. No fangirl could end up chatting to Kami-sama like that... And all that... I hope. I pray. For the sake of my sanity... Whatever may be left of it.
"Can I meet Hel?" asks Hisana. For a second, I'm left wondering why anyone would want to meet Hell, hell (ignore the unintentional pun), can you meet Hell?
And then I realise she means Grimm's child. I'd start snickering about Grimm having a kid, but that would be hypocritical.
Rukia: (I know you too well) That's never stopped you before.
See Rukia? I said it for you! You can't say anything to me!
No, I don't need a shrink.
...
Back to topic.
"No," I tell her, looking away as she brings out the puppy dog eyes. "Now, do you want a bear, or not?!"
"Yeah! I wanna have a bear!" she cries, instantly forgetting about Hell, or whatever that kid's name was.
Talk about short term memory loss.
Rolling my eyes, I pick up the black bear.
"Okay, let's buy this one."
"But Mummy! I need to check all the other stores first, and then choose which bear I want to buy!"
"Why only one bear?"
"'Cause Demon Cat said so."
"Well, isn't she a meanie?" I ask, grinning slightly as Yoruichi glares at me when Hisana nods, pouting.
Hah! Let's see Yoruichi try to get Hisana into her division now!
I think I should take someone up on the shrink thing. Maybe. Probably. Just possibly.
"How many bears can I buy now?" asks Hisana. I stare at her, and then glance to Renji.
Only he's looking somewhere else. I follow his glare, and see a group of girls, and some boys, drooling as they stare at me.
Oh, this is good.
"Mummy, why are there people looking at you like that?"
"They like me."
"But why?"
"Err..." Okay, how are you meant to tell a four year old that there's a group of people watching you because you're wearing a tight shirt and jeans, so they just want to jump you? I mean, the jump bit is bad enough, but... Oh god. What if they try to shag me in front of Hisana? She'd be scarred for life.
I think I just jinxed myself.
You see, just at that moment...
"Hey," says someone huskily, into my ear. I turn, and eye the boy standing behind me. He smiles invitingly, and wraps his arms around my waist.
I smile at him.
Yes, I smile at him. He grins, and tugs me closer to him. I rest my hands on his shoulders and chest, noting that he's actually muscled, and rest my head on his shoulder looking into his neck.
I can feel the delight rolling off him.
"Yes?" I ask.
"Wanna come back to my house? I-"
I kick him. In the groin. Yes. Cruel and painful.
Smirking, I bend down, and haul him to his feet.
"Tell your friends that I'm not interested," I tell him. "Particularly because I have a kid and a division in the Gotei 13 to run."
"You-You're Kurosaki Ichigo!"
"Congratulations."
Looking panicked, the guy runs away.
Coward.
"That was...Idiotic."
"I had to teach the guy a lesson, Renji."
"There was no need to flirt with him first."
"Jealous?" I ask him incredulously, glaring at him.
He scowls at me. I scowl at him. Hisana tugs on my clothes.
"Mummy! What happened?!" she demands.
"I'll tell you later. Now, do you want a bear?"
"Not until you tell me what happened?!" She pouts. I hope she doesn't bring out the puppy dog eyes. I can't stand them...
"A guy flirted with me."
"What's flirting?"
I stare at her. God. No. Did she have to ask that!? I don't wanna explain what flirting is to a four year old! That'd be...Torture. Oh God. Excuse me while I, you know, RUN INTO A CORNER AND HIDE!!
"Flirting is when you behave alluringly to another person."
"Huh?"
Even I'm staring gobsmacked at Yoruichi, who merely shrugs, and tells Hisana that she'll know what that means when she's older.
"But I don't want to wait until I'm older, I want to know now!" she yells. I glance around. No one. Thank God... Hang on. This place was crowded before... What happened? Did they all flee? C'mon. I'm not that bad. Neither is anyone else with me right now...Okay. That was probably the worst lie I've ever said.
"Hisana, be patient," I say. "Now, the bear?"
Instantly, she bounces away.
"She has mood swings as bad as yours," Renji tells me. I can tell he's still pissed.
"I'm not that bad," I huff.
"No, you're worse," he replies drily.
Ah. Sarcasm. From Renji. He only does that when he's annoyed.
Shit. Definitely.
"Will you get over it?" I ask him, annoyed. He shakes his head.
"I'm not interested in marrying a guy who is happy to flirt with every other guy he meets."
"Renji. You've known me for, how long? A couple of years, at the least. Do I always flirt?"
"No. But still. What just happened? You flirted. What's to say you don't do that again?"
"I'm not a slut, Renji."
"Sure. You could've changed. Don't you always go on about being a hormonal teenager?"
"Bloody stubborn ass of a bastard."
"Mummy!" cries Hisana, cutting short our argument. She holds up three bears. One's black. One's white. One's pink. Other than that, they're exactly the same.
"Which one?"
"They're all the same," Renji says incredulously.
"No they're not!" she cries, outraged.
"Yes, they are."
"No! The color's important, Daddy! I've got black clothes, pink clothes, blue clothes, and white clothes. Would they all look good on the pink one? Or the white one? Or the black one? I gotta get the right color!"
Oh. My. God. Is a four year old meant to be worried about color co-ordination, now?!
"Um, the white?"
"But won't that look weird, white on white?" Hisana sounds distraught.
"Why don't you get the white, and the black?"
"But Demon Cat said I should only get one."
"When's your birthday?"
"Um...I dunno."
"Oh, for God's sake, just get both."
"YAY!" she screams, and glomps Renji happily. Renji staggers backwards.
"She's gonna be extremely spoiled when she's older," says Yoruichi warningly. I shrug. "It will be a problem, Ichigo."
"Your point?"
"Do you want to take care of a spoiled brat?"
"Yoruichi!" I exclaim loudly, grabbing Hisana's attention. "Did you just call Hisana a spoiled brat!?"
"Spoiled brat?" whimpers Hisana. "What does that mean?"
"Not you, Hisana," replies Yoruichi, glaring at me. "It means someone who always gets what they want, because they yell, shout, and generally be annoying until they do."
"I always get what I want, does that make me a spoiled brat?" exclaims Hisana, eyes watering, generally looking miserable.
'Awww' cry the fangirls.
"No, it doesn't. Your parents are just overly nice. Scarily nice. Very much-unlike-their-usual-selves-nice."
"Um, okay?" she whimpers, still looking upset. Meanwhile, Renji's bought the bears, and gives them to her.
"YAY! TEDDY BEARS!" she screams happily, grabbing the bears and hugging them - I'd call it glomping, 'cept that she doesn't jump onto them.
Bloody mood changes.
A/N: I thought this chapter would be bad... It's not that bad. Is a bit rushed... But still.
Anyway, sorry about the extra slow update... Just ..Gah. I'm buried in work, so it's hard for me to get time to update. But I have started on the next chapter, so... -prays-
Anyway, I'm amazed I'm not sick, because last week, I made the stupid mistake of bike riding ten kilometers in pouring rain. Muddy, cold, wet, annoyed: that was me afterwards. Anyway, I died on some of the hills I was going up. I'm not super fit. Actually, I'm not fit full stop.
Meh. Okay, so review, and I shall be a happy author. Don't review, and I will be a sad author. Though there is some angst coming up...But...I can't spoil the plot. Can't.
And yes, Grimmy, Ulqui and Hel are coming in. Soon. I hope. But -shock, horror, gasp- There is a plot line! Which will last for about three chapters. But still! And after that, well, my fingers will type it up, and I will stare at it, and go: ...Okay. Weird. Crack filled. Um. DID I SERIOUSLY THINK THAT UP!!
I am a Home Made Kazoku fan. Has anyone heard No Rain No Rainbow, their latest song? AWESOMENESS, AIN'T IT?! -drool- Did anyone watch America's Teen Choice awards? WHY DID THE JONAS BROTHERS WIN THE HOTTIE MALE AWARD!? WHY!! They didn't deserve it!! -sob- No, don't like the Jonas Brothers. Too...Narcisstic. Only Yumichika's allowed to be a narcisst. And Byakuya should have won Hottie Male. Or Grimmjow. Or ... I think alive humans were supposed to win that award...Not Characters. Right. Got that. But still... And Vanessa whatever-her-name-is shouldn't have won Hottie Female. Someone else. Can't think of it...But still.
Anyway. Review. Even if you are just gonna say: 'YUM! BROWNIES!'. Or: 'Love it'. Or: 'Hate it. You got wayyyy too much time on your hands'. Just click on the button and type a couple of words. Can't take that much time.
Preview for next chapter:
Deep breaths. Deeeep breaths. Must breathe deeply.
I stare at our house.