Chapter What did Yama do to our house?!

Deep breaths. Deeeep breaths. Must breathe deeply.

I stare at our house.

Our house? Yeah. Renji and my house. Sad. Not that I mind, actually...

Okay. I'm just gonna stop wondering just how much I might like Renji. It's too confusing.

Anyway.

Back to house - safe subject. Renji - dangerous subject.

Gah!

House. House. House.

Okay, the house is three stories high, with large gardens in the front, and a large backyard with a pool. It's a safe pinkish white color. Nothing...Insane.

And you can't even tell it's pink. It just looks pink. It's not that bad.

Phew.

We wander inside.

The bottom floor has a huge living room, which you immediately walk into, and then, there's a dining room; no wall in between. After that, there's a wall and a huge gap, so I'm assuming that just a door without the ...door. Okay, weird sounding, I know.

Through the door, we see a kitchen to the left side, (imagine you're facing this) stairs to the right, and a cupboard behind the stairs. Behind the cupboard, a rumpus room, so fluffy carpet, couches.

....

Wait, a TV?

Okay, I know Soul Society's going on a tech update, but still, widescreen TV. Sweet. It's got a black edging, with a huge screen, on this metal TV stand, which has a video/DVD player and a surround sound system. The couch is red, and is one of those modern style couches, a three seater one, and two one seater couches. The carpet is a fluffy shaggy white one, in front of the TV.

Behind the stairs, there's a hallway, which has a study, laundry, bathroom and spare bedroom off it. The bedroom is at the end of the hallway, while the study is the first room, on the right, the laundry on the left, and the bathroom just before the bedroom. There's a couple of cupboards as well

Spacious kitchen too. With oven, sink, stove, the full works. And a dishwasher. Awesome. They're all really high tech sort of stuff, and it looks really cool. The cupboards are timber, and the handles are curved and metal. They all have the snap lock or safe lock thing, where the door doesn't slam shut, it just quietly closes because it gets stopped by some sort of mechanism in the door.

Up the stairs, first floor is divided in half. One is entirely Hisana's (she bounces through that happily) and the other half is for someone else, I think Yama thinks we'll have another child, damn the bastard.

Hisana's room is pink, with flowers decorating the ceiling. She has a huge walk in robe and an equally large en suite with a spa and shower, and the sink is one of those ones where the basin is on top of the bench.

The next floor is Renji and my floor.

Inside my...our room. Huge bedroom, with a four poster bed to match, two large bedside tables, an equally large en suite, walk in robe, fluffy carpet, love seat (Yama shall pay for that).

Okay. This is suspicious. I walk around for a bit, peering into all the rooms and stuff. Sure, there's a button which makes a washing machine come out of the wall and the en suite has a spa which fits the two of us, and the shower's got two shower heads, and there's two sinks in the bathroom, but other than that...

"Renji, why hasn't Yama put in anything that we'd get annoyed at, 'cept for the love seat?"

Renji looks at me, and points to the bedside tables.

Breathe deeply. Deeply. Deep breaths. Why do I feel more scared than when I faced off Aizen?

I open the bedside table drawers, and, not looking at them, drop all the contents of all the drawers onto the bed. Then I look at them.

The first thing I think?

Has Yama bought everything from an adult store?

Lube - a lot of it - is spread over the bed, in every shape, color, and if the labels are right, every flavor imaginable.

And then there's all the toys. It'd X-rated, or R-rated, or whatever the highest rating you've got.

"What...the...hell?" I whisper, too in shock. Renji grimaces, and points to the walk in robe.

"Check the cupboards in there," he says. I look at him.

"Do I want to?"

"No. But still."

Grimacing, I walk to the afore mentioned cupboards.

Clothes, and not the type I'd wear outside. Not even today, when I'm exacting revenge.

Maids' outfits, skimpy little skin tight outfits, leather, and a helluva lot of it, you get the idea.

Basically, go into an adult store, and look at the stuff there. That's what Yama's oh so kindly given us.

I feel my reiatsu pike dangerously.

"Yama. Shall. Die."

"Relax, Ichi, relax."

"No! NO!"

I twitch dangerously. Renji grabs my arms, and starts massaging them.

"No murdering Yama. Now, anyway. Hell, the stuff might come in use." He grins.

I think I can see his imagination go into overdrive. Hell, mine is.

I never knew how perverted I could be. Now...What would Renji look like in that maid costume.... Ooh...Sexy...

Hang on.

Shouldn't be thinking like this. Nope. No way.

I glare at him. "Shut up, Renji. Now, let's pack the stuff away before Hisana come."

"MUMMY! DADDY! WHERE ARE - What's this stuff?"

I swear. "Jinxed myself, didn't I?" I whimper pathetically. Renji chuckles, and then falls silent.

"How are we supposed to explain what lube's used for?" he asks unhappily, worriedly.

I stare at him, and then groan, leaning against him tiredly, swearing repeatedly.

Renji takes my arm and leads me outside, to see Hisana holding a bottle of lube, and staring at it.

Oh my life sucks.

"Hey Hisana."

"Mummy! Daddy!" she cries happily, and jumps onto Renji, hugging him. I smile weakly, and attempt to discreetly pack all the adult stuff away before she notices/remembers.

Attempt being the key word there.

"Mummy, what's that thingimajiggie? The one with the weirdy name that's ... um... labe? Lobe?"

"Lube?"

"Yeah! That one!"

"Um. Well...Er... Just something...You'll find out when you're older...?"

"I don't wanna know when I'm older! I wanna know now!" she yells, yanking on Renji's hair. He yells at the pain. I snigger. Then Hisana glares at me, and I instantly quiet.

"Well, um, see, it's what ...er...adults use?"

"But what do adults use it for!? Is it like... to make something easier to do?"

Holy....This sorta thing should be illegal!

"You're the one who put it on the bed," Renji mutters to me. I glare at him.

"Not helping," I reply scathingly, scowling at the Pineapple. He shrugs.

"Mummy! DADDY! Answer my question, goddamn it!"

Bloody hell. Impatient brat - wait... did she swear?

Aww... our little baby's growing up!

Hang on.

Not our little baby.

And I'm pretty certain a four year old shouldn't be saying 'goddamn it'.

"What. Did. You. Say?"

"Did I say something bad?"

"Yes! You did!"

"Was it that word Baldy taught me, goddamn?"

"Why did Baldy-er, Ikkaku, teach it to you?!"

"He said it was a nice word," she whimpers, looking pathetic and pitiable, and if anyone walked into the room right now, they'd think she was being abused.

And not like that, you perverts.

Guess who drops in?

Yama! Yeah. No.

"Hello every-Why is dear Hisana-chan unhappy?!" exclaims Yama, bouncing over to examine 'dear Hisana-chan's' pathetic-looking face.

"Please leave, soutaicho," I say, trying to be polite. I end up scowling at him.

"But, Ichi-kun, please! I wanna see what you think of your brand new house, and those presents I gave you! I'm sure you'll love them!"

"Yes, soutaicho, thank you very much."

I think Renji was the only one who noticed the sarcasm there.

Yama stares at me, and then breaks into a huge grin.

I feel scarred for life.

"Already imagining how to use my little presents on Ren-kun, are you? Oh, naughty boy!"

I stare at him, and realise there's a little bit of blood under my nose.

Holy bloody hell. EMBARASSING!

My imagination is going into overdrive again. Only this time, I'm figuring out how to murder Yama.

Renji smirks slightly, but heads over to the bed, and pries the lube from Hisana's hands and places the damned thing in the drawer. Then, he picks up Hisana and carries her downstairs, ignoring her questions.

"I'm gonna make afternoon tea, Ichi, you wanna get ready for the party."

I nod weakly.

Yama pouts.

"Pay attention to me!" he wails.

I stare at him.

"Yama-soutaicho, do you want to go downstairs? Renji'll make something for you."

He bounces to the door.

"Yep! See ya at the party, Ichi!"

I smile, forcedly, and slam the door shut behind him.

Gah.

Bloody soutaicho.

Though, the house isn't too bad...Five minutes later, when I have attempted to tame my hair, but failed miserably, I am staring at my own clothes, when...

"Ichigo!" exclaims Renji, bursting into the room. I glance at him.

"Yeah?"

"Okay, Hisana's asleep-"

"What did you give her?" I ask suspiciously. I don't think she'd fall asleep that quickly. He gulps, and smiles weakly.

"Er, sleeping pills."

"Strong ones?"

"Yeah."

"Good, can't have her waking and seeing Matsumoto strip dancing."

Renji stares at me. I shrug. Okay, saying that giving good sleeping pills to a four year old child, meant to be mine, is a great idea is probably not good parenting.

But hell, did anyone expect me to be a good parent?

If you said yes to that, please get a mental health check. You need it. And a strait jacket.

"Right," he says slowly. "Er, moving on." I roll my eyes. "Shuddup Ichi. Anyway, there's a basement."

"Why?"

"No idea. I think it's a basement, because there's stairs going down from the bottom floor."

"You think there's a basement?"

"Yeah, wanna check?"

"Fine. But seriously, you should've checked first. Or what? Are you scared of the dark?"

"Shuddup."

I smirk, but let him lead me to the stairs. He pauses just in front of them, but I push in front, and head down.

There's a landing, and then a door. Sliding doors.

...

Okay. Weird.

We go in.

There's a huge, huge bed, exotically made, in the middle. Really lush carpet around it, and to the side, a large spa, with a double shower (those showers with two heads, so two people can take a shower at the same time. No point really, seeing as they'd probably end up under the one shower head) next to it. The walls are this beige gold color, and the ceiling is white. There's a cupboard near the back right corner, behind the bathroom.

"What the hell is this for?"

"Yay! You found it!"

Yama. I should have known.

"Explain," I tell him coldly.

"Well, see, this room is for just the two of you. No one can enter, except you two, and yes, I am speaking from a loudspeaker. I'll destroy it later, but just wanted to tell you. Anyway, if you don't want to be disturbed whilst doing very unholy things, come to this room."

My mouth drops open. Bloody hell. Holy ... what-the-hell-was-Yama-thinking. He created a room specifically for...I'm not even gonna think about it. But seriously, imagine Renji on that bed...watching me...me being able to do anything to him...no Hisana interrupting, or Isshin interrupting... or...Oh my God. The possibilities ...

NO! Not gonna think like that, perverted, nope. No way.

Imagine the possibilities.

Renji's blushing, and the loudspeaker self-destructs, making us both jump.

"What's the chances he's stuck video cameras to get porn?" I ask.

"...High."

He's still blushing.

"Renji?" I prod.

"Er, what? Eh, nothing." He glances around, and then looks at me, grinning. "You know, we should really use this room."

I slap him.

"Owww," he grumbles, touching his cheek. I smirk.

"C'mon, we have a party to get ready for. And you need a cold shower."

He looks down at himself, frowning, and then, seeing the evidence, blushes brightly. I smirk, and leave the room, deciding to free Renji from the risk of further embarrassment, because I'm pretty certain the room, and what it's definitely made for, has sparked one of his fantasies.

Chances it was about me?

Probably slim.

I think.

A/N: -cackles madly -And I keep you in suspense. This chapter dedicated to MirlEy, who I can't reply due the annoymity. You had the nerve to threaten me! How dare you! -sniff-

Yes, the house. At first, it seems tame. Nice, even. But then, what Yama has done is purely insane. It is a product of my insanity. -mad cackle-

Doctor: (rushes in) QoB! You must be placed in a strait jacket!
Me: NOOOO!!
Doctor: The only way you can avoid being placed in a strait jacket is by receiving reviews for any of your stories on . Otherwise, you shall be placed in a cell and you won't be able to write more fanfiction and post it!
Me: I NEED REVEIWS!! Or else I can't write more fanfiction and post it!

:D Okay, yep. I need help. My insanity's insane. :D