I'm back, and with a tan! Wow, you would not believe how many ideas I had flowing while there, and nowhere to update!
Disclaimer: I do not own this/or any of the music in it.
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When I surfaced from my damp and salty palms, it was to find a scraggly man hovering over me. If I had been feeling well, the sight might have scared me a little, but I had no emotion to spare for the stranger.
"Hey honey, you holding?" the toothless junkie asked.
"No."
"Well, you got any money?" he persisted.
"Sorry."
"Shit, man, come on, what's in the bag?"
"Nothing."
"Then why the hell are you back here?" he questioned angrily. I stared up into his dark, bloodshot eyes, and thought about what had led me to this alley, with my eyes stinging from lack of moisture.
I guess I could trace this back to my overnight prison visit. Maybe it started when I was kicked out; or living with Jay. Hell, the reason I was in this certain alley could be blamed on my mother getting knocked up. Instead of trying to understand how exactly I ended up where I was, I simply said,
"My boyfriend cheated on me, that's all," as I spoke, I pushed my numb body into standing position, and grabbed my duffel. "Nice meeting you," I sighed tonelessly, turning out of the alley with the man watching my retreating back.
I couldn't go to Tony's, because that was also Kathy's. Sid lived all the way on the cusp of Venice and the edges of the Valley. Home was out of the question. I would feel too awkward at Stacy's.
It was then I realized, I didn't know where to go. All I could think was to not break down and cry, not break down and think about him.
The answer hit me with a cold blast of air conditioning as a bar door swung shut. I strutted through the same door, and was shot with the same cool air. The bar itself was filled with smoke, and contained two pool tables, and a few barstools that were thrown around lazily. There were two big tattooed guys playing pool, three elderly men, sipping on whiskey at the bar, the bartender, who smiled at me upon my entry, and gestured me forward, and a girl who looked my age, clad in bellbottoms and leaning against the wall, swaying gently to the music.
She had wilted flowers tangled in her light brown hair, feathers tied around her skinny upper arm, and thousands of rings on each tiny finger. There were no shoes on her dirty feet, and had a thin gray shirt over the high waist of her jeans. Her eyes were closed, but I knew she was stunning.
I walked to a barstool, shoving my bag into the seat beside me, as the bartender came my way.
"Rough night?" he grinned. His green eyes scanned my tearstained face, and then asked, "Whatever you want, on the house."
"Some whiskey and rum, any kind you got. Where's the bathroom?"
"Just the whiskey and rum?" he sized me up critically.
"Yeah," I replied, a note of defiance in my answer.
"Bathrooms over there," he pointed to the side with the two pool tables, and behind them, a door.
"Thanks," I smiled.
I entered the bathroom slowly, the smile falling from my face. My blue streaks were sticking out in my dark hair, and I toyed with the idea of just dying all my hair a different color: bright red, electric blue, or even deep purple. It was frizzing, and especially thick tonight; the tangles looked impossible. My eyes were blank, just a little red around the rims. I was still wearing my Zephyr shirt and jeans, and at the moment felt incredibly stupid about every decision or thing I had ever said. I needed to change, and it would begin with my clothes. Then I remembered I left my bag unwatched, and hurried out of the bathroom.
Through the haze, I saw the angelic girl laughing with the bartender, my duffel untouched between them.
I sat back down on my stool, and he set the glass in front of me. I took a sip, and immediately wanted to vomit; the two liquors were so strong they burned. It was perfect.
"Cig?" the girl offered me.
"Thanks," I answered, trying to grin. She handed me a lighter and a cigarette. After I had puffed on it once, I noticed her eyes. They were gray flecked with turquoise, like a peaceful storm was occurring inside of her, and only added to her beauty.
"We we're just saying what an amazing piece of art this song is," she informed me. I listened for a second, and realized it was Pink Floyd.
Remember when you were young,
You shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes,
Like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
"I'd have to agree with you," I nodded, dragging on my cigarette.
"I heard you when you came in," she said casually. I froze for a second, then spoke,
"Uh, thanks."
"I couldn't see you, but I could sense your worries so strongly, it was like they were yelling to me," she drawled. I glanced at the bartender to help me respond, but he had gone to attend to the three other men at the bar. So, I took a swig of my drink.
"I felt your problems, and I'm sorry for whatever you have experienced, or may experience. Because I can sense your trials are far from over."
I slowly moved my head in a circle, hoping it was the correct way to respond.
You were caught in the crossfire,
Of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
"What's your name?" I popped out randomly. She beamed at me.
"Hazel."
"Are you from here?"
"We drift around. We're never bound."
"We?"
"Yeah, you should come with us," she told me. I cocked my head to the side.
"I've sorta got some stuff that I have to do here before I leave," when she looked confused, I pinched my shirt and explained, "I'm on a skate team, and can't really leave right now," I began to feel embarrassed and a little irritated. I was bound, not free. Hazel was free, and I wanted that.
"Well, we're gonna hang here a while, if you get that shit settled down."
You reached for the secret too soon,
You cried for the moon.
Shin on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night,
And exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
I hadn't realized that she was muttering the lyrics to the song randomly.
"So, you have any family?" I questioned, trying to make conversation.
"'Course," she laughed. "Everyone is a family member."
"Right," I agreed confusedly, and gulped the remainder of my drink. "Anyways, it was great meeting you."
"A pleasure talking with you, Azure," she glowed at me. I halted in the process of grabbing my bag, and surveyed her perfect face.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
Rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
Come on you painter, you prisoner, and shine!
"Wh-What did you just call me?"
"Azure. That's your name, right?"
"How'd you know?"
"I could tell," she said simply.
"Well, I'll see you around," I stated, throwing my bag over my shoulder and heading for the door.
"I bet you will," she sighed mystically. I waved at the bartender, and walked out onto the dark sidewalk, turning left, towards Stacy's house.
The way Hazel had guessed my middle name both scared me and fascinated me. Although, the way it rolled off her tongue so beautifully made me proud of it, for the first time.
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I lightly tapped on Stacy's small bedroom window, and waited, swaying back and forth. A few seconds later, his blue eyes appeared through the glass. He fidgeted with the lock, and the pulled the window upward. I placed my foot on a particularly large rock, which was there for these exact purposes, and shoved my bag through the hole. I then put my head in and squeezed my shoulders through. He took my hands in his, while I wiggled my hips and legs through, landing directly on his bed, which was underneath the window.
We stared at each other for a little while, before I said,
"Can I sleep on the couch?"
"Take the bed," he responded, his shining hair flashing as he shook his head.
"No, I'll be fine," I protested.
"Seriously Kimber," he groaned, attempting to leave the bed, but I reached out and caught his arm, holding him to the bed.
"Look, let's just
both sleep here," I negotiated. "It's late, and I don't want
to argue."
"Okay, understood," he shrugged, lying back and
sliding the comforter over himself. His platinum hair fanned about
his face, and his penetrating blue eyes locked on me, as I got under
the covers.
Suddenly, I was overcome by emotion, wishing to be in Jay's bed, with his arm around me. I could feel a lump forming in the back of my throat, and swallowed tasting traces of the liquor I had digested.
"So, I went to this bar, and met this girl named Hazel-" I started, but Stacy cut me off.
"You know, me and Tony are totally angry with Jay about this thing too. I can't believe he did that to you!" his face flipped over to look at mine, which had a tear seeping out of one of its eyes. His hand brushed away the tear softly, and where his fingered touched my face burned. It occurred to me how close our faces were, when he whispered, "You're too good for that. You're beautiful, funny, smart," he inched closer, "and better than that," he finished, now so close I could smell the peppermint scent of his hair, and feel his cool breath on my face.
I could sense something was about to happen between us, and a little voice inside of my head continued to repeat, 'This is Stacy. This is Stacy. This is STACY.'
But I think that was what appealed to me most, when his gentle lips connected with my own. It wasn't natural, like with Jay, but it was sincere and felt right. Before I knew it, my hands were running through his smooth hair, and his were rubbing my back. When these thoughts registered, I stopped, and so did he. We broke away, staring at each other.
"Are we doing this?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, instantly, wanting anyone to replace Jay. Then we began again, and he flipped himself on top of me, removing his shirt and revealing his toned body. I grinned, not thinking of anything except Stacy at that moment.
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I started at the sound of pots and pans banging. My eyes flew open, and I realized I was alone in Stacy's bed, completely naked. My heart rate rocketed, and my breathing became fast and shallow. I had thought it was all a dream, and I would wake up engulfed in sandalwood. I threw my hands to my head, cursing my impulses. I sprang out of the sheets, putting a pair of his boxers and his shirt on. How would I ever be able to hang out with Jay or Stacy again?
I entered the kitchen to see Stacy cooking breakfast. When he saw me, his face lit up.
"I'm making pancakes," he told me, pouring some batter into a pan. I tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace.
"Morning," I greeted, sitting gingerly in a chair, and dragging my hand through my hair. The sweet scent of the food wafted towards me, and I pondered how awkward I was feeling, but how at peace he was. "So, Stace, just to be clear, last night was…" I trailed off. He looked at me quizzically.
"I mean," I started over. "Kathy and Jay cheated on us, and we cheated back, so it's over now, right?"
"Um, Kimber-" he began, but was interrupted by a loud knock. "Hang on."
"Yeah, yeah," I said quietly. I heard him open the door, and then a voice I hadn't heard in a while shriek,
"Where is she? I know she's here! I checked the other two shitholes, so she has to be here!"
"Um-"
"Do you know what the fuck she did?" after this yell, I ran to the door to find Nicole's perfect face tearstained and red with anger.
"There you are! You fucking bitch!" she darted at me, but Stacy took hold of her two arms, as she struggled to brake free.
"What the hell?" I screamed at her. She ripped her arms from Stacy's grip and glared at me, shaking with sobs or anger.
"You wanna know? I'll tell you. You killed her!"
When I looked befuddled, she continued.
"Mom," she sobbed. "She died, because of you!"
Something inside of me crumpled. Was Nicole actually telling the truth? Was my mother dead?
"Wh-What? You're lying," I choked out, not daring to believe my ears.
"Oh, yeah, I'm lying," she laughed mockingly, waving her hands. "Oh, this'll make you care, Alex was in the accident too, you fucking whore."
"What are you saying?" I bellowed, advancing on her. A new wave of tears washed over her.
"She was driving him home, and-and, they were in a wreck," she bawled. "But before that, it was like she had already lost the desire to live. Two of her children abandoned her!"
I sprang towards her, but Stacy intercepted me, and caught my waist.
"That's not true!" I roared, over Stacy's shoulder. "They're not dead!"
Nicole's eyeballs bore into me, and she said softly,
"They are. They're gone. The service is this tomorrow at 10, and the burial at 12," with that, she spun on her heel, and slammed the door behind her.
When the door shut, I broke down. My legs could no longer hold my weight, and my weeping was noisy and uncontrollable. Things were racing through my mind quickly, as though I was reliving them.
"But I don't want to go!"
"Honey, I know, but you have to," her kind brown eyes smiled at me.
"But what if he makes fun of me again! He's so mean, and then I get in trouble for hitting him!" I protested.
"He just likes you sweetie, that's all," she laughed.
"No, Jay doesn't like anyone."
"Well, you have to go to school, and then after I'll take you out for dinner. Anywhere you want," she bargained.
"Fine."
She took my hand, and led me to my classroom.
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"Mom, why do all the other kids dads go to the school to pick them up?" I wondered one day, coming home from second grade.
"Because their daddies are the ones who got left."
I ogled at her.
"Why? Can't two people be happy?"
A small droplet leaked from her eye. "Yes, honey, they can. You keep believing that."
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"I'm so stupid! I'm never riding a skateboard again!" I cried, staring at the deep and painful gash in my knee.
"You always have to keep trying."
"You gave up," I countered, being too young to know she didn't, and she kept going for her children.
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"God, mom, must you take in more kids?" I wailed stubbornly, now twelve. "We're already poor enough, without more people eating our food."
"Yes, we will live with them Kimberly! They are good kids, who you'll love. Ones about two years younger than you."
"Great," I groaned sarcastically. "Hey, if you stop calling me Kimberly, I'll do it," I tried.
"Really?" she looked hopeful. "And what will I call you? Since the beautiful name I gave you at birth obviously means nothing."
"What about… Kimber."
"I could deal with that," she agreed.
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It was the evening that Nick left. Nick was her firstborn, and she loved him. People say there's no greater love than a mother for her children, and I believed it.
She sat alone, sniveling at the table. I speculated from a doorway, with tears falling down my own cheeks.
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The small brown-haired boy entered my room.
"Hi, I'm Alex."
"I'm Nicole," she said, sitting next to me on the bed. I popped off, sizing him up.
"How old are you?" I asked immediately.
"Ten," he answered, nervously.
"Well, I'm twelve, so I'm in charge," I said proudly.
"No! I'm fourteen," Nicole corrected.
"Whatever," I replied, waving my hand to dismiss this fact. "Have you ever surfed?"
"No…"
"Come on!" I dragged him out of my room, and directly to my mother.
"Mom, will you take me to the pier? The guys are gonna be there, so it'll be fine."
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"Shit!" I growled, slipping on the window ledge and falling into the dry grass. Alex lent me a hand and lifted me up.
"You okay?" he smirked.
"Hey, I am sneaking you out for the first time. You gotta give me something."
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"Kimber? Are you awake?" his voice broke through the silence and darkness.
"Hmm?"
"I'm scared."
"Why?" I moaned. "You can sleep with me."
He maneuvered himself into my bed and whimpered, "Kendall and Ted are at it again. Ted just threw a lamp at her."
"Hey."
"What?"
"Promise me, you'll never be like either of them. They are both crazy and our only chance of survival is to stick together."
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"Kimberly, stop."
"No, no, you let him do this to me. What the fuck were you thinking? Your husband, your fucking asshole of a husband, hit me and you did nothing! God, I have been waiting so long to leave, and you know what? I'm out, you bitch! Now I get why Nick ran out!"
"I'm so sorry honey-"
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"Where are you going?"
"Get out of the way, Alex."
"No, I won't. Don't you remember telling me I'd always get off easy 'cause you'd be here? You can't fucking leave me Kimber!"
Tears almost escaped, and I said nothing.
"Please," he pleaded.
"Move," was all I had to spare for the boy I had come to think of as a brother.
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Stacy had to carry me to his bed, where these memories haunted me. Those were my last words to both of them, the only ones they heard from me before they were taken from the planet. I never told my mother I loved her, but instead yelled at her, calling her a bitch. And I acted as though I didn't have the time to spare for Alex.
I held onto Stacy for dear life, as he was sitting on the couch next to me, stroking my hair out of my wet cheeks.
"The last thing I-I said to-to them, wa-was so mean," I sobbed. He had no response and continued looking at me sadly. Suddenly, my head cleared, and I knew where I had to go. I sat, wobbling.
"I need to leave."
"No, Kimber, stay, you need to calm down," he tried, but I had already ripped myself away from him.
"I'll see you later," I said softly.
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I banged loudly on the door three times.
"Red Dog! Wake up!" I screamed through the wooden barrier.
"I'm coming! I'm coming, Jesus…" I heard him moan, and then saw him appear in front of me, disheveled and confused, his flaming hair in his face.
"Hey, man, let me in real quick," I pleaded. He obliged, and opened the door wider, retreating back into his home.
"What's up babe? Why are you knocking so damn early?" he asked, turning to face me.
"I was wondering if you could sell me some heroin," I questioned, bluntly. He cocked his red eyebrow at me, but said,
"Yeah, 'course. How much you need?"
"Uh," I groaned, stumped. "Not sure."
"Well, why don't we snort a little real quick, and I'll see how you take it," he offered.
I nodded, and he rummaged through some drawers, eventually pulling out a small bag, filled with brown powder. He sat down on his couch, and began ordering it into lines.
Red Dog had moved out at fifteen, and was able to pay his rent by selling almost every kind of drug. Business was always steady, because all of his friends desired his products.
All I knew was that he would have heroin, and heroin might give me relief. The way I saw it, there was no other option.
"Alright," he drawled, leaning back and patting the cushion next to him. I took the seat, and stared at him.
"Go ahead," he said, impatiently, tilting his head towards the coffee table. "Ladies first."
I leaned over the table, and picked up the small straw next to the lines. I then inhaled hard, and felt the powder sting my nose. I flipped my head backward sniffling, and rubbing my nose. I then sat stunned for a moment, waiting.
Immediately, vomit rose in my throat. I threw my hand over my mouth and ran to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door. Puke poured hard and steady out of my mouth, and I wondered why anyone would want to do this. Finally, when I spit out the last trace of vomit, I leaned back on my knees, staring at the ceiling. Red Dog was standing in the doorway, smiling at me.
"Newbie," he mocked. Before I could respond, I was hit with the most amazing sensation I had ever felt. All of my problems and worries flew away, and I felt like the most important person in the world. I grinned devilishly back at Red Dog.
"How much will fifty bucks get me?" I wondered, hoping for a deal.
"For you honey, as much as you'd like."
I was on top of the world, with my new best friend, a little brown powder.
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With the heroin in my system, and a baggie in my pocket, my head cleared and I knew what I had to do. I settled down, and decided that I would not let one more tear fall, for I realized the world held no good, and never to get my hopes up again.
I dazedly walked to Tony's house, planning my speech in my mind.
When I knocked on the door, I could hear someone run into something from behind the door. I stared up into the sun, letting it burn into my eyes, staining them with neon purple streaks. The front door opened, only to reveal Tony's bouncing curls and sleepy eyes.
"You look like shit," he greeted me, allowing me in. I slowly moved into his house, gazing at all of his furniture in a new light. This would be the last time I saw it.
"What's up, man?" he asked.
"Just coming over, is that okay?"
"Uh, totally. Is this about… yesterday?" he said tentatively.
"No, no, 'course not," I lied. "So, something came up, and I'm leaving."
"Leaving? What, out of Jay's? That was expected," he sighed, throwing himself onto the couch. I remained standing.
"I'm getting out of town, idiot," I stated clearly. His eyes became more alert when I said this, and he focused all of his attention upon me.
"You're, you're leaving Dogtown?" he questioned, shocked. "You're kidding."
When I didn't reply, he continued.
"Is this about Jay? 'Cause that's not worth it, man. You know it's not."
"It's not about that at all dude. I just need to leave, so I'm just saying bye, because I'm gonna get out tomorrow."
"No, no…"
"Yes, Tony," I growled, becoming irritable. As he opened his mouth to respond, Kathy glided into the room, stroking her flowing hair.
"Oh… hey, Kimber," she mocked. My hand balled up into a fist, and my jaw locked. Tony obviously noticed, for he interrupted,
"Let's go out on the porch," he suggested, venturing out there, with me at his heels.
We stood in the sunlight, blinking at each other for a few minutes, before he caved.
"You're really going."
"Yes."
"I can't believe it. But, I guess I can't stop you, but please, stay for the big Zephyr bash tomorrow night. Your in the magazine too."
"I can't."
"Yes you can."
I paused for a moment, contemplating this thought. Before I could think up an answer, Kathy strode outside and onto the porch. Rage pulsed through my veins, and I stopped thinking.
"Look, Kimber, you were just too much of a… what's the word… slut, yes that's it, for Jay. He needs a stable woman," she smiled. "No hard feelings, right?"
My fist swung out and connected with the underside of her nose, feeling it break underneath my force. Blood poured from her nose as she dropped to her knees, cradling her face. I sprung onto her, knocking her upon her back, yelling,
"Look bitch! You don't know shit about me, and if you think I'm leaving because of you and that fucker, you're flattering yourself. So don't come near me ever again, got it?" I thundered, shaking her roughly.
"Kimber, come on," Tony said soothingly, prying me off of her. "Kathy get in the house," he directed, and she obeyed his orders. As soon as she closed the door, Tony freed me. Where Kathy had fallen, there was a puddle of dark blood.
"Look, I won't say anything about that if you stay for the party at least."
I gazed up at him. "Fine, but after that, I'm gone."
"Tell me, what happened that makes you wanna leave this place?"
"Long story. You'll hear it one day," I told him, standing on my toes and pecking him on the cheek. I then jumped down the wooden stairs, searching for an alley to snort some Heroin in, and relieve myself of the emotions I was feeling. While he screamed at me,
"Does this have anything to do with your sister coming to my house and shrieking at me?"
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Sorry it took forever!
Review, tell me what you think, I'm very curious.
Hope you liked it.
Love, lette.