Chapter Meet the Espada
"Who are you?" asks Hisana, peering at them. I lay a hand on her shoulder, preventing her from approaching them, as I glare at the Espada suspiciously
"What are you doing here?" demands Renji.
"We're hardly going to invade," drawls Ulquiorra, "Especially given that you outnumber us hugely."
"It's never stopped you before."
"Look, we got two kids with us. Why would we attack, then?"
"Kids being around have never stopped you before."
"They're our kids."
"WHAT!?"
"Yeah! Grimmy and Ulquiy have Helios, or Hel, and Syazel and Stark have," Grimmjow glowers at this, "Vanya. "
"AIZEN!?" exclaims every Shinigami, staring at the (clearly mad) traitor. He grins back at us.
"HI EVERYONE!" he exclaims. "GOOD TO SEE YA'LL AGAIN! HOW'RE YA'LL DOIN'?"
"He's trying out an American drawl," explains Gin, appearing behind him. "I think it's because of the Western shoot 'em ups he's been watching."
We can only nod weakly, before I turn to Grimmjow and Ulquiorra.
"So you have kids as well," I say. "Same here."
"Though it's just with Ichi-berry and me," adds Renji. I snarl.
"I said. Not. To. Call. Me. That," I glare at him.
"Oh, you two argue like an old married couple!" exclaims Aizen, bouncing over to us and pinching us both. I scowl at him.
"Piss off Aizen." I have not forgotten how our fight. I hate Aizen.
Aizen's face contorts into a puppy dog face, which, when I look at Hinamori, I recognize as being quite a lot like hers. It makes me wonder... Did she teach him, or did he teach her the puppy dog face? That, ladies and gentlemen, is the question.
Ignore my little Shakespeare jibe.
Moving on.
Aizen whimpers pathetically, looking up at me, pouting. I scowl at him, and am greatly relieved, and disturbed, when Yama bounces over to Aizen, and hugs him.
Considering they were declaring war on each other not that long ago, yeah... You get why I'm seriously disturbed.
"AIZEN-KUN!"
"YAMA-CHAN!"
"Holy fuck."
Glancing over to Grimmjow, I smirk, and, capturing his eye, gesture over to Hel.
"So where did you get the boy?"
"His name's Helios," Grimmjow drawls, "Shortened for Hel."
Smirking, I reply, "Is that what's he's like?"
"Yeah, the spawn of the devil, he is. Yours?"
"Kurosaki Hisana Masaki. Hisana, because of idiotic promises made long ago to the other spawn of the devil, Rukia," I glare at Renji, and then at Rukia, who hits me after hearing my comment, "And Masaki, because Isshin wouldn't shut up otherwise."
"So basically, like the kind weakling you are, you bowed down to other people. At least I didn't."
"I'm guessing Ulquiorra insisted on Helios, so technically, you bowed down to him."
"... Shut up Kurosaki."
I smirk.
"So who're you?" asks Hel, looking at Hisana.
"Kurosaki Hisana Masaki! Or Hisana," she adds, after seeing his confused face.
"Right! I'm Helios! Hang on," he adds, after pausing, "How come you get three names, and I only get one!?"
"Dunno."
"MUMMY!" wails Hel, clutching Grimmjow's leg. "I wanna have three names!"
"Ask Ulqui."
"BUT...Where's DADDY!?"
"So, you're the Mummy," I ask Grimmjow, sniggering.
"Shut up... Last I heard, you are too."
I pause, and glare at him. "Shut up Grimm....Neko."
"I HATE THAT FUCKING NAME, ICHI-BERRY, DIE IN HELL!"
"I can't die in Hel."
"You know what I mean."
I snigger. Again.
"Who wants to kill my Ichi-berry?"
Growling, I turn to Renji. "DO. NOT. CALL. ME. THAT."
He asks me, smirking, "What are you going to do, then?"
Pausing, I reflect on my options. I can: a) snog him senseless. B) Fight him. C) Ignore him ... Hmn ... Problems with each one ... A) ONLOOKERS! Perverted onlookers. B) Bit too ... over-the-top? 'Specially seeing he's my lover, now ... C) my dignity, my pride.
I kiss him.
Yep, there's the cameras. Damn whoever introduced the cameras to Soul Society.
I break the kiss off, grinning as Renji staggers slightly, looking distinctly dazed.
Still smirking, I turn to Grimmjow, who looks stunned, with Ulquiorra behind him (one arm noticeably draped around Grimmjow's waist) who looks as bored as ever, but I think he's surprised.
"Well, that's... a creative punishment," Ulqui declares. I shrug.
"Why were you trying to eat his face?" asks Hel. I stare at him. Hisana looks surprised, but she nods in agreement to Hel's question.
Holy.... God.
"Um, er, well, that's called ... Um, kissing," Ulqui stammers, sounding weak as he says 'kissing'. Renji, who has just managed to recover, and is now hugging me from behind, stares at Ulqui, before bending down.
"Did I miss somethin'?" he asks, breath tickling my ear.
"Yeah, Hel wanted to know why I was, and I quote, 'trying to eat your face'."
"That's one way of puttin' it," he mutters. I smirk, but turn my attention to the scene in front of me, where Hisana's just asked a rather...interesting question.
"What's kissing?"
AND SHE LOOKS SO GODDAMNED INNOCENT WHILST ASKING A NOT-VERY-INNOCENT QUESTION! HOW?!
If only I had that ability ... Oh the possibilities.
Anyway.
"Um. Er. Well. Ya'see... Um..." I stammer pathetically, staring at Hisana who's patiently waiting for an answer.
Then, like a four/five year old, she blows.
"I JUST WANNA KNOW!" she wails. "Is it that difficult to reply!?"
We all stare at her for a few minutes, before Grimmjow frowns.
"Hey, Ichi," he says, turning to me, "Does she have a fondness for pancakes?"
"Yeah, why?" I ask, before poking Renji's hand, as his arm has painfully tightened around me. He stares at me, before grinning apologetically, and loosening his hold, so I can actually breathe properly.
"Well, see, she talks like Urahara, and she has a penchant for pancakes, like Urahara, and she seems to be like Urahara in every way except for gender, age, clothing, and minus that damned fan."
"Who's Urahara?" asks Hisana, as I turn to glare at the aforementioned shopkeeper.
"Him," I reply, pointing to Urahara, who's hiding behind his fan again.
She turns. She looks. She yells. "SANDAL-HAT-MAN!" And she glomps him.
"Wait," I say, after a few minutes where everyone just stared at Hisana (closely followed by Hel, and Stark's kid) glomping Urahara. "How do you three know him?"
"He took care of us!"
"And then lost us in some city, and in Soul Society, and somewhere else!"
"Yeah!"
We're all silent for a few minutes, before Grimm, Ulqui, Renji and I turn to Urahara, Zanpakuto's at his throat.
"Explain," I snarl.
"See! I was doing this experiment, and the kids were a side effect!"
"Explain."
He sighs, and hides behind his fan. "I wanted to experiment with taking two people's reiatsu's and implanting them in a child, effectively making the kid the child of the two people's. Obviously, my first attempt was with the reiatsu's of Grimmjow and Ulquiorra, and then with Syazel and Stark, closely followed by Renji and Ichigo. Oh, and right now, I've started another child with the reiatsu's of Grimmjow, and Ichigo's."
Everyone, and I mean, everyone, is silent for a few minutes after that shock announcement. Then...
Mayuri: "YOU IDIOT! YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME YOU WERE CARRYING OUT SUCH AN INTERESTING EXPERIMENT!"
Grimm: "YOU BASTARD!"
At this point, Renji, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra and I rush forwards and start attacking him, punching, kicking, biting, all sorts of martial arts, not using our Zanpakutou's. We all attack as one, like a group of bullies attacking the one victim.
It's so much more satisfying attacking someone like that.
Just punching them...It's so satisfying.
"ARGH! GERROF ME! NO! NOT THE FACE!" yells Urahara. Eventually, we withdraw... Urahara's out cold.
"I accept you may have been furious, but still, boys," tutts Unohana, as she directed two of her officers to carry the body of Urahara (which was going to bruise pretty badly... It was gonna be painful for him) to the Fourth Division Hospitals. "I'll tell you when he's healthy, if you wish to continue."
"Good," snarls Ulqui, surprising us all, "I'm not done with the bastard yet."
"Ahh," groans Urahara, waking up. "C'mon, guys, I got you together."
"It's more the fact you didn't tell us," I inform him, just before delivering a very satisfying roundhouse kick, which knocks him out again.
We watch as he slumps back into his bed.
"That was over the top," remarks Syazel, watching Urahara get carted back to Fourth.
Grimmjow snarls at them. "Did you have anything to do with this?"
"Ah. Well. Um. You see...Well," stammers Stark after a few minutes of pausing, where he blushes, frowns, and generally acts very 'Um-I-shouldn't-say-this-because-you'll-kill-me-but-um-I'm-not-completely-innocent-of-the-crimes-you-accuse-me-of'.
"Explain," I snarl, Zangetsu at their throats.
"Don't hurt them, please. They're my parents," says a young boy, about half a head taller than Hel, and just a little bit taller than Hisana. He's got black hair...And...Pink eyes?
"Who're you?"
"Vanya."
"Vanya?"
"Well, my full name's Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov."
"I don't care. Stark and Syazel are your parents? And that Syazel named you."
"Yes, sir."
"See," I say, turning to everyone, "That is how you treat me."
"Dream on, Berry," drawls Grimmjow. Meanwhile,
"Abarai, good to see you again," said Syazel, smiling creepily at Renji, who gulps, and backs away.
"Ah, Syazel, how is your research into replacing body parts going?" asks Mayuri. Syazel stares at him, gulps and backs away.
"Anyway," I interrupt, "How. Did. You. Help. Urahara?"
"I didn't!" Stark exclaims.
I fix him with my best glare. He withers.
"Fine, I helped him collect the reiatsu."
"How did you get Renji's, or mine?"
"You two used so much damned reiatsu in the War that it was all over the place."
We're all silent for a while...Then:
"YOU BASTARD!" screams Grimmjow.
"Die," Ulquiorra.
Syazel, "Hmn...Do you know what techniques Urahara-- used?"
Renji, "DIE YOU FRICKING BASTARD!"
(At which point, Grimmjow says, "Abarai, only I'm allowed to curse that fricking much. Not you, you bastard." Then, Renji: "I'm allowed to swear as much as I want, but let's just concentrate on killing Stark.")
Me: "Why?"
Everyone's silent for a few minutes, staring at me.
Then, Stark asks, "What do ya mean?"
"Why'd you help Urahara out?"
Stark grins. "'Cause he had caffeine. Extra strong caffeine."
I scowl. My reiatsu piles around him. "DIE, YOU SORRY FRICKING BLOODY BASTARD."
Stark pales, and starts to sonido away.
"DON'T HURT MUMMY!" screams Vanya, yanking on my clothes. I scowl, push him away gently, and rush after Stark.
I chase Stark through the streets, yelling death threats as I go. Behind me, Renji, Grimm and Ulqui follow happily, all three using shunpo to catch up to me, and then keep up with me.
Eventually, we corner him, quite appropriately, at the top of the execution hill, whose name I've forgotten.
And I just realized that I called Grimmjow 'Grimm' and Ulquiorra 'Ulqui'. No. They're not my friends. Never have been, never will be. It's just so damn hard to write their full names out. I mean, c'mon. They're so damn long.
Movin' on.
"Prepare to die a painful, bloody, painful, torturous, painful death," I snarl. Then I pause, and add, "Did I mention painful?"
"Yes, you baka," snarls Grimm. He scowls at me, before turning to Stark. "Surprised you laste' so lon'. Thought you'd've died of exhaustion long ago."
"I'm unfit, yes. I'm not that unfit."
"Who cares, just, let's kill him, already."
I nod, and about to swing my Zanpakuto at the damned bastard, when who should appear but the kids.
"NO DADDY, MUMMY! DON'T KILL SLEEPY!"
"Sleepy?" exclaims Stark. "Who calls me 'Sleepy'?"
"How'd you figure out that it was you who she was referring to as 'Sleepy' and not someone else?" asks Ulqui.
Stark scowls.
"And why shouldn't we?" asks Renji.
"Because Vanya-kun would be sad, and Sciency Guy would be sad, and do we want that?"
"Yep," snarls Grimm.
"What'd you got against Vanya, anyway?" asks Renji. Grimm's upper lip curls back.
"He flirted with Helios."
"'Helios', now?" asks Ulqui, raising an eyebrow. Grimm scowls and glares at Ulqui.
"Shuddup."
I roll my eyes, and, stepping between them, address Hisana. "Dear, you can't always get what you want. We want to... ah... punish Sleepy-Stark for somethin' he's done, and you can't get in our way."
At this point, Vanya and Hel step forward, forming a line with Hisana. They all turn the Puppy-Dog-Face-Of-Doom on.
Why? Why do the kids of Shinigami, or Espada always get the ability to do Puppy-Dog-Faces-Of-Doom?! Why not us? The parents?!
IT'S SO UNFAIR!
Allow me a moment of self pity.
...
...
...
Self pitying moment done.
Glancing back at the other three, who all look defeated, 'cept for Ulqui, who just looks annoyed, if you can call looking plain and blank annoyed, I sigh, and turn back to the three spawns of the devil.
Or the God of Puppy-Dog-Faces-of-Doom.
"Fine," I grumble. The three kids cheer, and hug Stark, who's cheering, 'cept he just looks tired.
...
Wait.
My daughter, child of two Shinigami, is hugging Stark, Espada?
NO WAY IN FREAKING HELL!
"Get of her!" Renji snaps, tugging Hisana away, glaring at Stark. I take Hisana, and check her over.
No damage, at least, no physical damage. Could be extensive emotional trauma.
"Let me go!" she grumbles. I scowl.
"No. Espada are dangerous creatures."
"OI! We're right here, ya know!" yells Grimmjow, who, with Ulqui, has gotten hold of Hel, and are checking him over.
"Yeah, Espada sure aren't dangerous. That's why you're checking your own son over."
Grimm just scowls at us.
"Gotcha!" I say, taking very childish pleasure in that.
Yeah. Sometimes my friends ponder over my maturity too.... I am too mature. I am.
Okay. Yeah. That probably might not persuade you that I am mature (which I am) but ... Um... Yeah. The stuff going around me right now is probably more interesting, ne? Yeah. Let's go back to that.
In the meantime that I've been telling you about how mature I am (and I am very mature), however, we have returned to the centre of action - the meeting hall. Aizen, Gin, Tousen and Yama are conversing like they're old buddies, while everyone else are either glaring at each other (ie. The Espada are cowering under the stares of the Shinigami, yeah, nah) or staring at the afore mentioned four leaders like they're a bunch of loonies... Which they are.
"Guys!" exclaims Aizen, seeing us. The four of us (ie. Grimm, Ulqui, The Pineapple and me) stare at him and take a step back (or two) whilst the kids and Stark ignore Aizen, and continue chatting.
"You're back!" yells Yama, happiness pouring from him yuckily. Now, the kids and Stark shut up. We all take a step back.
"We missed you!" they say together... And then laugh and high five. "We did it!"
"Holy..." At this point, Grimm lets forth a huge mound of swearing. Ulqui and me hit him, glaring.
"No swearing in front of the kids!" I snap.
Grim coughs, sounding (suspiciously) like 'hypocrite'.
"We're gonna tell you bout the education plannin' now!" says Gin. He looks happy.
Yeah.
Gin.
Looks.
Happy.
Run for your lives, children. Gin 'the pedophile' Ichimaru looks happy.
Where's my bomb shelter?
A/N: Hello peeps! I'm sorry I didn't put in the AN when I updated, I'd put the document up on my computer, and then I was using my iPod touch, and it wouldn't let me type anything -sniff-, so I couldn't put in the AN... Yeah.
And I'm so sorry for how long this has taken, and to give my thanks to every single person who's ever reviewed! I LOVE YOU GUYS!
Hmn, dedicated to Emiri-chan, who assaulted me (literally) after I posted the last chap up. Shook me, demanding the next chapter because of the cliffie. :P Plus, I promised the dedication to avoid Emiri's mind breaking down when we were deciding between Yukan Club and Zombie Loan
Why this is late: Exhibit A: LIFE! I HATE YOU! Exhibit B: PLOT BUNNIES! -Glare- Exhibit C: VAMPIRE NIGHT! SO FREAKING AWESOME!
Disclaimer: Vanya and Hel are Marr's, from Espada Guide to Parenting. Idea from EGTP. Characters, except for Vanya, Hel and Hisana Masaki, are from Bleach, ie. belong to Tite Kubo. :P I hate how little of this I actually own. -sniff-