Chapter 20

I glare at Grimm.

BTW. This is me. IchiGO! You actually are meant to pronounce my name in full! Not damn nicknames like 'Ichi' or 'Berry' or (even worse) 'Ichi-Berry'. Damned Pineapple.

Um. Yeah. Rant over.

Anyway…

I glare at Grimm.

"I. Hate. You," Ulqui snarls at Grimm. He's actually, for once, showing emotion, and looking livid.

Really livid. As in… I-am-the-Devil incarnate-and-I-am-pissed-at-you-so-you-can-crawl-in-a-hole-and-die-before-I-get-to-you-because-that-way-you-won't-feel-like-America's-soldiers-are-torturing-you-which-by-all-accounts-sounds-like-their-torture-methods-are-worse-than-the-Spanish-Inquisiton sort of level of pissed-offness.

Grimm actually gulps and backs away from Ulqui, who's stalking towards him. I grab popcorn from the kitchen and plonk onto the ground to watch.

"It's not my fault! I didn't realise they were there!"

"See, there was a reason why I told you never to swear or curse! Especially in front of the kids!"

"We only have one kid."

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!"

"But! ULQUI!"

"Do not call me that, you lowly scum!"

"Okay, that was not nice."

"Since when was I ever nice to you?" Ulqui demands.

"Good point," murmurs Grimm slowly. "But still!" he declares desperately. "You can't blame me!"

"Actually, I can, and I will," snarls Ulqui. Whoa….Angry Ulqui equals Scary Ulqui.

Hel and Hisana, looking at us, pout, and tug on our clothes. "What does wanker mean?!"

We're silent. Then, because, you know, it is the answer to answer all questions, I reply, "You'll find out when you're older."

Immediately, Hel and Hisana pout, and pound on our legs, and, if they can reach, our arms.

"No! Know now! We wanna now KNOW!"

I look at Grimm. "Grimmjow? You can die now."

"No dying 'till question answered!" snaps Hisana. Okay…Angry Hisana equals Scary Hisana…That is so not fair. Why does everyone around me get to be Scary Insert-Their-Name when they're Angry Insert-Their-Name?

So not fair.

We all look at each other. "What do we tell them?" I ask. No one answers. Then…

Ulqui says, "A 'wanker' is … um… Someone…Who…Er…Yeah." He trails off, looking slightly embarrassed

"…But that doesn't answer anything!"

"I think," Renji says, after a few silent minutes, "That, basically, means," gulp, "they are asking for," he gulps, "The Talk."

We're all silent. Somewhere, in the background, someone's playing the 'Dun, dun … DUNNN!' background music.

"Um, how about no?" I reply.

Renji, Ulqui, and Grimm look at me. Then, Grimm says, "For once, I agree with the Berry."

"Don't call me that," I grumble.

Ulqui sighs. "I think," he says, "That we might as well get this over and done with. However, I do not feel that we should be the ones to give them," he gulps, "The Talk."

"I, for once, agree with the Emo," Renji says. Ulqui catches Renji's eye, and they both snicker.

"What's so funny?" I ask, suspicious.

"Well, you two wives agree with each other, and the two of us, the Husbands, agree with each other, do you—" Renji's explanation's cut off as Grimm has his zanpuktou at The Pineapple's throat.

"Do. Not. Call. Me. WIFE," the Cat snarls.

"Well, you are," Ulqui points out calmly.

Grimm growls and swings his Zanpakutou at Ulqui, only to find it parried by mine. Lazily, I step forwards, meeting Grimm's livid expression.

"I think," I drawl, "That the more pressing thing right now would be The Talk. Not fights with our beloved spouses."

The sarcasm on 'beloved spouses' rolls off in waves. Grimm snarls angrily, but puts his Zanpakutou away, as do I.

"Right," I say, "Now, who do we go to, for The Talk?"

"Definitely not Gin, Aizen or Yama, though they're probably preoccupied," says Ulqui, immediately.

BMI. B. M. Bloody I.

"Sorry," Ulqui whimpers after a few seconds.

"Apology accepted," says Renji, swallowing. "Um, Unohana?"

"Who's she?" Grimm asks.

"Fourth Division Taichou. She's nice, but she can be evil enough to scare even Eleventh Members."

"'Kay."

"All right?" I ask, looking around. Everyone nods at me.

"Right," I say. Turning to the two kids, H and H, I say, "We're going to see Unohana."

"Why?"

"Because."

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE!"

Hisana glares at me, before grumbling, and crossing her arms over her chest, a pout firmly plastered on her face. Sighing, I stride towards the Fourth Division, expecting everyone to follow, but they don't. Spinning back to face them, I demand, "What? C'mon!"

"Are you sure that she won't make us give them … The Talk ourselves?" asks Grimm.

I think he's actually nervous. Whoa. A war is just 'Yep, cool, LET'S FIGHT!' and giving a kid The Talk is just 'um, yeah, how about…no!?'.

Actually…I agree with that (twisted) logic.

I can completely understand the reasoning…Of which there is probably none, but c'mon! Would you want to give a toddler The Talk?

"If she does, I'll murder her."

"And get executed," Renji calmly interjects. "C'mon. She's nice. Why would she make us suffer through giving some kids The Talk?"

I nod. Unohana is the nice-kind-generous-amazing-Taichou-of-the-Fourth-Division.

Half an hour later…

"I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S MAKING US DO THIS!" yells Renji.

Predictably, Unohana-the-insane-evil-sadistic-cruel-taicho-of-the-Fourth-Division told us that we should give them The Talk ourselves. And she gave us a book. Which the kids are, unfortunately, reading. Us parents are sitting in an adjoining room, discussing this evil act.

"That book should explain everything, right?" asks Grimm. We all nod, more hopefully than not.

"If they have anything left, which we doubt, Ulqui can explain," Renji declares. Ulqui sits there, stunned, before spinning around, glaring at Renji.

"What. Did. You. Say?!" he demands.

"Um, nothing!" I roll my eyes.

"Look, they'll have nothing. That book is thorough. As in…Scarring for life kinda thorough."

I shudder.

"How'd you know?" asks Renji. I pause, blushing slightly.

"Dad-Isshin gave me it. Before. Lord…Half the pictures are porn, I tell you."

There's silence. Then, in a very choked voice, Grimm says, "Our children are looking at that?!"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell us that?! They must be scarred for life!"

"It should answer all their questions."

"All?"

"Yes," I reply, confident.

"Mummy!" calls Hisana, waltzing into the room. "I got a question."

The others all glare at me. I stare, stunned. "What?" I ask.

"This … I got two. Um, well, you're not a girl, so how'd you give birth to me? And how do you and Daddy have … You know, if neither of you are girls?"

I choke on my own breath. Renji gulps, and Grimm and Ulqui whimper.

"I don't think it explained …Gay stuff, right?" Renji asks.

"No. No," I answer.

"Then…How did you…"

"Isshin explained … Everything to me. Oh god. I nearly killed him."

"Right," Renji says. "Maybe we should get Isshin."

We're silent. Then, together, we all shake our heads furiously, and yell, "NO!" Oh. Hell no. No way in fricking hell. I. Am. NOT. Letting. My. Father. Anywhere. Near. The. Kids. So. That. They. Can. Have. The. Gay. Talk. From. Him. Holy Hell No.

"So?" asks Hisana. Hel, who's just appeared from behind her, nods eagerly.

"Yeah. I got the same questions," he says.

"You're not old enough," I say instantly.

Hisana leaps onto me, and tugs on my hair. Painfully. Repeatedly.

"Hisana! Stop!" I yell at her.

"Then tell me!"

"No."

"TELL!"

"You can't have everything you want, you know," I snap at her. She grumbles, and sits on my lap.

"Tell me."

"What do you think?"

She draws out the book, opens it to a ridiculously well drawn image of a guy's …You-Know-Where, and points as she explains, in that ridiculous childish innocence of hers, exactly what she thinks.

She got it completely right.

Oh. The Horror. SHE'S FOUR! FRICKING FOUR YEARS OLD! She shouldn't know.

"Right," I choke out, "You're right."

She beams, and then turns to Hel. "I told you so!"

Hel just grumbles. "Well, where did we come from? And Vanya."

I look at them. "Urahara made you."

"We're Urahara's kids?!"

"Not," I groan, BMIs flooding into my head, "No! He's not your actual father. Oh god." Honestly. I whimper pathetically.

Hisana stares at me. "Then, how?"

"Urahara created you from Renji and my reiatsu. He created Hel from Grimm-neko's and Ulqui-emo's reiatsu's."

"Don't use those nicknames, Berry," grumbles Grimm.

I smirk.

"So we're fake?" asks Hisana.

"Yeah," Renji replies, nonchalantly . The rest of us parents groan.

Hisana bursts out crying. So does Hel. We stare at them for a few minutes, before groaning.

"You idiot!" curses Grimm.

"What'd I do?!" exclaims Renji.

"C'mon, do you tell a kid that they're a fake?!" demands Grimm.

Renji stares at him, and then smiles sheepishly. "Probably not."

"Precisely!"

I pick up Hisana, and cradle her on my lap. "C'mon, Hisana, you're not a fake. You're what they call a test tube baby. They're very rare, and very precious."

Hisana sniffs. "Weally?"

"Yes, Hisana. Weally."

She whimpers, and rests her head against my chest. Ulqui says the same things to Hel, and winces when the Espada Kid snuggles into Emo's chest.

I glare at Renji over her head. He stares at me, and then at Grimm, who's also glaring at the King of All Idiotic Pineapples.

"Um, sorry?" the Pineapple says.

I continue to glare.

"I'm really sorry?"

I glare some more.

"STOP GLARING AT ME! IT'S FREAKY!"

Hisana and Hel laugh. "Daddy's being an idiot."

I smirk, lean back in the chair, and wrap my arms around Hisana. "He always is." I shake my head sadly, as Renji glares. "He always is."

I have to say though. So damn glad I never gave the actual Talk.

Then Hisana pipes up again.

"Mummy! When can I have children?!"

I freeze, and then glare at her.

"Not over my dead body!"

"When we die, we don't have bodies," Renji points out. I glare at him.

"Why not!? It'd be fun to have kids!"

I shake my head. "No," I reply. "It's really not." I fall silent, thinking of the problems with having Hisana around.

Hisana saddens. "Are you, "sniff," saying, "sniff," that, "sniff, "you," huge sniff, "don't like having me AROUND!?" she wails pathetically.

I sigh. Inwardly, mind you. "I like having you around, Hisana," I say, in what I hope is a nice, comforting manner.

"Weally?"

"Weally." Apparently, it worked. Shock. Horror. Gasp.

"YAY!" she yells, glomping me.

A/N: Right. All praise must go to XPyromaniacxDestinyX....who is my new beta.... YAY! And yes, you may feel sorry for her, having to beta all this. And having to see the chapters first off. Finally, I hear some of you say, I finally got a Beta Reader. :P I'm not that bad....Fine... I'm worse. Anyway. So yeah. Um. This is a late update, I know... I know. I was on holiday. Which reminds me. You can all send me a Chrissie Present! REVIEWS!

(PS: Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year, full of Bleach, yaoi, etc, and, of course, SGTP. XD)