Chapter 21

Anyway….

This the next day, after the scarring things of yesterday…Ooh…Horrible Day.

Even though I didn't actually do … THAT, it's still bad.

Wait, not that 'That', the Talk 'That'.

I yawn, stretch, glance at Renji, who mumbles something like 'Ichi' and turns over, and then I get out of bed, and dress, and go downstairs.

There, Hisana's staring at a calendar and laughing.

"You and Daddy are really passonayte—no—"

"Passionate?" I ask, mind still half asleep.

"Yeah!"

"What makes you say that?"

Rukia bursts in, door slamming after her…

…

…

Wait…

I THOUGHT I GOT A GOOD LOCK ON THAT DAMNED DOOR!

I narrow my eyes at her.

"Yes, Chappy?" Yes, I call her Chappy.

"CHAPPY!" she squeals randomly. "No, anyway, um, you and Renji sure…" she breaks off, laughing.

ya strolls in too, cloak thingie fluttering dramatically. tress swaying in the background and generally rather dramatically. I frown. "I hope you have not, ah, done anything to harm Abarai?" he asks, glaring.

I frown as he leaves, and then look at what Hisana was looking at.

Oh damn.

'The Shinigami Women's Association's Calendar' glares at me.

It's then that I see the picture. And the theme for the Calendar.

'THE NEWEST COUPLE! KUROSAKI ICHIGO AND ABARAI RENJI!' blares at me. Under it? A picture of Renji and me kissing, in the forest.

I swear. Loudly. Rukia glares at me, as she stands behind Hisana, covering the girl's ears. Ignoring them, I pick the calendar up and flick through it.

Pictures. Of me. And Renji. Kissing. Hugging. In various states of undress and passionate doings. You know. Like … um…. The … Yeah. Anyway. And, on TOP of that, there's all these stupid, insane comments, all girly, and AGH! Like, 'Holy shit! This is so hot!' and 'Tongues can actually do THAT?!' and 'HEHE! Look at RENJI'S TATTOOS! HAWT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' and you get the fucking idea!

No one gets to look at Renji naked except me!

In other words, fucking porn. Of me. And Renji. BUT…

Oh.

My.

Fricking

%^$&$&$%ing

34$%#$%ing

!#%$^#ed

God.

…

Someone.

Is.

Gonna.

Die.

…

Painfully.

Cruelly.

Excruciatingly.

Agonizingly.

Die.

I will...Strangle them, bring them back to life, use the European style of medieval execution of traitors (hang, drawn and quartered) bring them back to life, cut out their intestines and force them to eat it, and then hang them using it, and then.... I AM GOING TO KILL SOME FUCKING IDIOT OUT THERE!

My reiatsu spikes dangerously. Rukia wheezes, and starts struggling to breathe. Hisana whimpers, and clutches her chest.

I don't notice. Until…

"ICHIGO! CONTROL YOUR DAMNED REIATSU!" yells Renji, barging into the room. He strides to me, and yanks my hair.

"OI!" I yell back, and then notice my reiatsu. Sighing, I tug it back into control.

Rukia glares at me, before smirking.

"You guys are so sweet," she cooes.

Renji stares at her.

"Huh?" he asks stupidly.

She smirks, and gives him the calendar.

Three seconds later, I'm the one telling Renji to control his reiatsu.

"Who," he snarls, "Took. These. SHIITY. Photos!?" I glance at him. "And I thought Yama said the basement was secure!"

I shrug. "We were stupid to actually believe him," I sigh. Rukia snickers.

"What was the December photo of, Mummy?" asks Hisana.

I freeze.

See, the December photo, well, let's just say that … that photo was from, um, the party. You know. The party just before Renji and I nearly broke up? That party?

Yeah. Set in our basement, with Renji and I, um, well, you know, doing... Yeah...

As most of you are probably perverts, I'm guessing you do.

And there's so many comments on it, it ain't funny.

Let's just say, um, we're both naked. Completely. I'm glad that's there's some (aka very, very, very little as in miniscule, you-need-to-below-Mayuri's-Electron-microscope-if-you-can-stand-the-bloody-and-guts-on-it-to-see-it) censorship in Soul Society, and that no one can see either of us completely naked.

I glare at Hisana. "Don't talk about this calendar. I'm trashing it."

Rukia snickers again. I glare at her.

"That calendar," she says, still snickering, "has been distributed right around Seireitei."

Renji and I freeze. "You're kidding, right?" Renji asks, with a lot more calmness than I think he actually has.

"Nope! I helped myself!"

It takes a huge amount of self control for me not to scream at her.

Unfortunately, I don't actually have that much self control.

"YOU BITCH!" I scream. "Do you not have any fucking decency at all!?"

Rukia smirks at us, and races away. Hisana looks scared.

"Mummy, Daddy, you're—you're-you're SCARING ME!" she wails. I groan, and pick her up, hugging her.

"Sorry Hisana."

"I know," she sniffles, and buries her head in my shoulder.

Glancing at me, Renji comments, "You're getting good at the entire comforting thing."

Scowling at him, I slump into her chair, setting Hisana on my lap as I do so. "Right," I say. "First, we need breakfast. Second, we need to find out who the photographers were. Third, we need to kill them. Fourth, we need to destroy all the calendars, and all copies of the photos."

Renji nods. "Cool. I completely agree with that." He then leaves, for the kitchen.

Hisana stares at us. "You're not actually gonna kill them, are you?"

"Why not?" I growl.

Hisana whimpers, and says, "Well, if you took those kinda pictures, you wouldn't want to be killed, right?"

"See, I wouldn't take these pictures in the first place."

I think I can smell something burning.

"But what if you get," sniff, "executed for killing them?"

I sigh. "Fine. No killing. I'll just torture them."

"Not too much torture."

"Fine. A little torture."

Renji rolls his eyes at us, whilst munching on burnt toast. I frown at the burned toast.

"Please tell me you did not just burn toast," I say.

"Um, I burnt toast?"

"TOAST! Renji! You burnt toast! How the hell do you fucking burn toast?!"

Renji shrugs. "I can't cook?"

"Fine!" I declare dramatically, shoving him out of the kitchen. "You are not, under any bloody circumstances, allowed in this kitchen!"

Renji shrugs, and plonks himself on the chair I just occupied, pulling Hisana onto his lap. I roll my eyes at him.

"You do realize," he says, after I hand them all eggs and bacon, "that I deliberately burnt the toast?"

I stare at him. "What the fuck?!" Hisana starts to eat.

"Well, you see, I like your cooking, and, um, wanted to make sure that you always did the cooking?" He actually has the decency to look sheepish.

"So you can cook?" I ask, dangerously calm. Renji gulps, and starts to back away.

"Yeah…"

"Renji?"

"Yeah?"

"DIE!" I scream at him.

Grimm and Ulqui choose that moment to stride into the room.

"You guys not gone yet?" I grumble at them, before turning back to Renji, and raising my Zanpakutou.

"Nope. Still here," says Grimm cheerfully. I stare at him, and then at Ulqui, and lower my Zanpakutou. Renji breathes in, and falls onto the couch. I glare at him, and he gulps, and shifts away, before I turn back to the Espada.

"So," I say, with bright cheerfulness, "What did you guys do last night?"

Ulqui and Grimm blush suspiciously. "None of your business," Grimm mutters, looking away.

"Aha," I say, grinning lightly.

Ulqui sees my grin. "It's not what you think!" he says. Grimm's eyes stare at me, and his mouth drops open.

"Seriously!" declares Grimm. "It's NOT what you think."

I raise an eyebrow. Renji looks at them, and then at the calendar. Opening it, he flicks to the credits page.

"'Distributors'," he reads out loud, "'Members of the Shinigami Women's' Association – Kuchiki Rukia, Matsumoto Rangiku, Kurotsuchi Nemu, Shihoin Yoruichi, Yadomaru Lisa, RETSU UNOHANA? SOI FON?" A pause. "ISE NANAO!?" he pauses again, and then glares at Grimm and Ulqui. "Grimmjow and Ulquiorra," he finishes, glaring at them.

A pause.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING LAST NIGHT?!" I explode, lunging towards them. Grimm and Ulqui nod, and start to rush backwards.

"YOU BASTARDS! YOU IDIOTIC, SADISTIC, CRUEL, EVIL, INSANE, MAD BASTARDS!" I add.

"Oi!" Grimm grumbles. "I may be evil, but I'm not sadistic!"

"YES YOU ARE! HOW COULD YOU, IN YOUR SANE MIND, DELIVER PORN CALENDARS!"

"They're not porn," defends Ulqui.

"Bullshit! THEY ARE! WHAT ELSE DO YOU CALL A MAGAZINE WITH THIS PICTURE IN IT!" I add, waving the picture for December. You know. THAT picture.

"Okay, maybe they might just, slightly, in the tiniest possible sense, be light porn—"

"LIGHT PORN! LIGHT PORN?!"

"Maybe just a bit heavier than light porn?"

I glare at Ulqui.

"Okay…Porn. BUT STILL!"

"WHAT?!"

"Good pay?"

"YOU DISTRIBUTED PORN CALENDARS, BECAUSE YOU GOT GOOD PAY!?"

"Err…Yes?"

"YOU INSANE, EVIL, BEETLE-HEADED, BAWDY, CANKEROUS, LEAD APES IN HELL, FOOL-BORN, TOAD-SPOTTED HAGGARDS!"

Grimm pouts. "Okay, now, that was uncalled for!"

Renji stares at me. "You read way too much Shakespeare, mate. Way. Too. Much."

I glare at him.

"These idiots distributed the lists, you tickle-brained wagtail. Don't you want to murder them?"

"No. Well, a little. I certainly want to ensure that they burn in hell forever. But. Guess who took the photos? There were two of them."

I think. Actually. I don't. The answer comes immediately. "Isshin. And Shunsui. Or Urahara."

"Correct, and incorrect. Isshin and," he gulps, "Byakuya."

There's silence.

"BYAKUYA TOOK THE PHOTOS?!"

"Apparently."

"I WILL—"I splutter for a few seconds. "BYAKUYA!?"

"Yeah," Renji says slowly. He shakes his head. "I never knew he was like that." He stares blankly at the calendar.

"BYAKUYA!?" I splutter again. "Oh. I'm. I'm."

I trail off.

Byakuya? Kuchiki Byakuya? Head of Kuchiki Clan? Cold, stoic Byakuya?! He took the photos?!

I. Cannot. Believe. This.

Byakuya takes porn photos?!

No. No way. Got to be an error.

Because Byakuya would never, never take those photos.

And if, by some strange chance, he did, he'd never give them to the SWA. And get them printed in a calendar.

Never.

Never.

Not Byakuya…

At least, he wouldn't have his precious name desecrated by associating with such … Low acts.

I think not, anyway.

"Yeah," says Grimm. "He helped hand them out last night, actually. Co-ordinated it."

I stare at him.

"Byakuya?"

"Yes. Byakuya. Kuchiki Byakuya. Guy with long girly black hair, weird white thingies in his hair, tall, noble sorta guy etc. That guy. I assume he's Byakuya."

"You spend too much time with Ulqui," I tell him, dropping into a chair. "Oh Lord. The world's going crazy. Upside down… Byakuya should not be going around taking photos like that. No. No. It's not right!"

I whimper pathetically. "Bad. Bad. Not right. Bad. Bad. Not right!"

"Kurosaki. Abarai," says a cold, stoic voice. "We have a captains' meeting, which you are some thirty minutes late for."

I stand. I glare. Byakuya stands calmly, at the door to our house. "You," I snarl, stalking towards the traitorous sixth division Taichou. "You. Moron. You perverted Isshin-like idiot!"

"I am none of that," intones Byakuya. "I am much better than that." He sniffs. "Besides, how dare you compare me to your idiotic father?"

I stalk back to the lounge, pick up the calendar, and stalk back to him. "You," I snarl, waving it in front of him, "Took these pictures. HOW DARE YOU!"

He stares at me, the slightest widening of his eyes visible (Byakuya's eyes widening equals someone fainting in shock). After taking the calendar, he flicks through it. Then, he puts it down, and faces me.

"Yes, I helped Isshin take those pictures. I planned to use them as blackmail; as a Taichou," he allows the faintest of smirks to come through, "you can never have too much blackmail." I snarl, and start to draw my Zanpakutou. "However," he says, cutting me off before I can start cursing him, "I had no plan for them to be used as," he sniffs, "Calendar pictures. Certainly, I would never have given them to the SWA. That is simply despicable."

I stare at him. "You can still DIE!"

Byakuya's eyes widen, and he flees. Yelling out my customary death threats, I chase him.

Back at the House – Renji! Your fave PINEAPPLE! My turn now!

Well…Isn't this getting a bit old?

Grimm's stares at Ichi's retreating back. "That guy has one short temper."

"No derr," I drawl, "You've fought him how many times?"

Grimm shrugs. "You don't seem too bothered," he remarks. I shrug, and, picking up Hisana, start heading out.

"I half-expected this. Seriously. Ichi's like…The biggest celeb in Soul Society. I'm the hottest. Sometimes, I got surprised there aren't bunches of cameramen outside our door." I pause, and look outside, where Ichi-berry's reiatsu's flattening the surrounding area.

"Well, let's chase him down," I declare.

Five minutes later…

Okay. I want my Guide back.

NEVER! DA PINEAPPLE WILL NOT LET YOU!

Da Pineapple? C'mon. Renji. That's bad, even for you.

SHUDDUP, BERRY!

What's with the capitals?

DA CAPITALS ARE COOL!

Cut it with the 'Da'.

DA DA IS AWESOMENESS!

Awesomeness?

YEAH! DA AWESOMENESS IS AWESOMENESS!

Okay. That's it. Give me back my poor, abused Guide, and Shiro won't wanna come around for a visit.

Shiro: I wanna visit him anyway…

SHIRO WANTS TO MEET … me…YOU CAN HAVE YOUR GUIDE BACK!

Good. Good Renji.

I ain't a dog, Ichi.

Really? I never noticed. Besides, I thought you were giving me back my Guide.

A..ha…Yeah…

Finally.

My poor, abused Guide.

Anyhows.

I've chased Byakuya into the captains' meeting. Bya's ground to a halt (Bya? Yes. Bya. Byakuya is a hassle to write all the time.)

I stalk towards him. Byakuya backs away, the tiniest glimmer of fear in his eyes.

"You low, evil, insane idiot," I snarl. "I am gonna kill you very, very slowly. First, I'm gonna cut you until you're bleeding over, and then I'm gonna ever so slowly dissect you and then I shall fire some random kido at you and blow you up. Somewhere during that, I'm gonna borrow Soi Fon's torture stuff."

"Oi Ichi! Renji a sex god?" bellows Shunsui.

I turn. Slowly. I glare at Shunsui, who gulps.

"Yes. He is. But you didn't need to know that, did you? You just wanna make fun of me. You're gonna die too. Slowly. Painfully."

Somehow, I think I'm really quite pissed off.

Shunsui gulps, and backs away, as Renji, Hisana, Hel and the Espada enter.

"Ichi, threatened anyone yet?"

"Byakuya and Shunsui."

Nodding, he strolls forwards, and wraps an arm around me. Bending, he mutters in my ear, "Ignore them."

I scowl at him. "And your dignity? What happened to that?"

"We'll get them back later."

Nodding, I keep a scowl on my face, glaring at anyone who thinks to smirk, as I let Renji lead me to my place.

"Oh, how sweet," coos Grimm, ignoring my death glare. "The hubby calms down his little wife. How sweet."

Calmly, I shoot a punch into his stomach, seriously winding him.

Yama chooses that moment to enter.

"Ren-kun! Ichi-kun!" he yells. "You two are a horny couple, aren't you?!"

"What does that mean?" asks Hisana.

"It means," sings Isshin, "That your parents love to shag each other – GAH! Gerrof me!" He chokes under my hand firmly plastered over his mouth.

"Ichigo?" asks Unohana. "Now may not be the best time to murder your father, especially in front of two impressionable children."

Scowling, I let go of my treacherous, evil, sadistic, idiot of a fool-born haggard-ick father, and lean against Renji.

"What does 'shag' mean?"

Groaning, I turn to Isshin, who, although he was out cold a few minutes ago, has leapt to his feet, and is now grinning.

"When you shag someone, you—GEROF!"

"Idiot," Renji snarls, before removing his hand from Isshin's mouth.

"Right, anyhows! Um, captains," sniffs Yama. "I have two things to say. First: WHO WANTS TO GO ON A BEACH TRIP?!"

There's silence.

Then.

"How much sake can we take?" asks Shunsui.

"How about no trips anywhere?" demands Hitsugaya.

"Aw, c'mon, Shiro. Imagine how much fun it'll be!" pleads Hinamori, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.

I almost feel sorry for the kid.

"No." Whoa. How'd he resist Momo's puppy dog eyes?

"There'll be lots of water."

"So when should we go?" he asks instantly. "Honestly," he adds, after a few minutes of us staring at him, shaking his head. "You should've said there'd be lots of water first."

I roll my eyes.

"What about patrols?" I ask

There's murmurs of agreement.

"I'm impressed, Kurosaki," drawls Byakuya, "I'd never have guessed you'd be so responsible. Ah, well, I suppose it comes from parenting."

Snickers.

"May I remind you," I drawl back, "That you're a millimeter off having me torture you to death." Bya glumps, and backs off.

"ANYWAY!" yells Yama, startling us into silence. Lowering his voice to a softer level, he continues, "Second. You gotta hand in all paperwork for new peoples in your divisions after the beach trip, which we shall go on tomorrow. G'day!" he grins. "YAY! I spoke AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! OI! OI! OI!"

We stare at him.

"BTW," he adds, "We're gonna go to … um. Some Aussie Beach. CAUSE 'DOWN UNDER' HAS THE BESTEST BEACHES EVER!" He leaves.

"Who else feels that they're gonna go their deaths?" mutters Shunsui.

"Do we have to go?" pleads Grimm.

"BTW 2!" yells Yama suddenly, poking his head back in. "Um, Grimm? Ulqui? Aizen said you had to go with us, oh stop that, you naughty Aizen!"

Our faces pale as Yama giggles, and, turns for a moment, saying something to Aizen, who appears to be hidden behind Yama.

"Yeah?" asks Grimm, looking ill.

"You don't look too well, Grimm-kun. Anyway, Aizen said you had to come with us, ooh, AIZEN! Anyway, um, soyeahHelandHisanacancometooandsoareyouGrimmUlquisohavefunBYEBYE!"

He rushes out.

"What did he say?" I ask.

"That Helios-san and Hisana-san can come, as well as Grimmjow and Ulquiorra," translates Byakuya. I suppose he's had practice, with Renji's mumbling.

"Right," I say, watching as Soi Fon vomits into a handily placed bucket.

"So!" says Ukitake. "I wonder what the hotel arrangements are." His grin grows lecherous. "I'm sure he'll arrange for the newest Shinigami and Espada couples to stay together." He smiles. "I do hope the four of you keep quiet. Some of us like our sleep."

Why, UKITAKE? WHY? WHY DID YOU BETRAY US!?

The four of us, Grimm, Ulqui, Ren and I, blush.

"Shuddup," I mumble.

There's laughter.

Rukia: "I'm not gonna be able to go into your house anymore. The images that spring to mind." She shakes her head.

Bya: "I do hope both of you keep safe. The last thing we need is two captains with sexually transmitted diseases. Or, as you plebeians know them, STDs."

Grimm, Ulqui, Ren, Hisana and Hel, and I walk out.

"I. Hate. The. SWA," I snarl.

Oh, I shall get my revenge. Just you wait.

A/N: hehe....*hides* Am sorry for slow update, especially as I've posted two Alex Rider crack!fics in the time I've spent NOT writing this... Hehe... NO KILLING ME!!! PLEASSEEE!!!!!! Yeah, anyway, Chap 22 is off with my beta, so yeah, there'll be a quick update .... hopefully...Review, please!