Chapter 22Down Fricking Under

"MUMMY!" screams a voice. Hisana. Damn her. I WANNA SLEEP. Sleep is good. Sleep is wonderful. Sleep is something I really don't get enough of. Therefore, I want to sleep. Why can I not sleep? Oh yeah. 'Cause I'm a parent. GAH.

"What?" I grumble.

"We're going on a holiday! GEDDUP! MUMMY! DADDY!" she wails. Sighing, I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I glare at her.

"What holiday? We never agreed on a holiday."

The Hell Butterfly hovering over Hisana's head decides to yell at me.

"Hiya Ichi-kun! Ren-kun!"

Yama. Geez. I do notneed him this early in the morning.

"WAH! NO! I DON'T WANNA GET MY HAIR CUT!" Renji yells, randomly, with his arms flying around spookily. "GET THOSE SCISSORS AWAY FROM ME-E – oh." Remji awakens properly. "Um. Good morning?" Renjiwhimpers .

I stare at him. Then I snicker.

"Nightmare?" I ask. Renji glares at me.

"Yes, okay? It was freaky. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Get. My. Hair. Cut. EVER!"

Hisana laughs.

"Funny Daddy."

"Shuddup."

"Yes, um, anyway," I say. "Hell Butterfly?"

I'd recognized this particular Hell Butterfly as one of the new ones, which allows two people to speak to each other.

"That was funny, Ren-kun."

"I remember that," says something that sounds like Rukia. "Oh. That was good. Remind me to send you the footage, Ichigo. Renji puts up quite a fight if you threaten to cut his hair."

"Shut up, okay! My beautiful locks were only just beginning to grow out, and I didn't want them cut!"

"You were screaming, like a girl."

"I WAS NOT!"

"Yeah. You were."

"The only male in this room who screams like a girl is Ichi."

"I DO NOT!" I explode.

"Yeah. You do. I've listened to it quite a few times, and," Renji's smile grows lecherous, "I wouldn't quite mind bringing another girly scream outta you soon."

"No innuendo around your impressionable daughter! For God's sake!" exclaims Yama, huffing a bit. "Anyway. We do not need to know about your sex life!"

"And the calendar does what exactly?"

"…That's something entirely different. Okay?"

"No. It really isn't."

"Well…Um…Err…See…Hang on! I'm the COMMANDER! What I say rules! Hah! BEAT THAT!"

I stare at the Hell Butterfly.

"Um, right. What did you want to say in the first place, anyway?"

"Er. Good question. Um. Something about a holiday?"

"Today's holiday to Australia?" asks Renji.

"Yeah! THAT WAS IT! Um. 'Kay. So. Meet us outside the main gates to the … dun… dun …dun! REAL WORLD! WOOT! Oz, here we come!"

The Hell Butterfly flies off.

"Um….Okay…" Renji stammers slowly.

I whimper, fall back into bed, and try to sleep.

Hisana grabs a pillow and whacks me.

"MUMMY!" she screams, in my ear. "WAKEY UPY!"

I groan. I grumble. I eventually clamber out of bed.

"We have," Renji sighs, "Two hours to get ready and get to the gate."

"I've already packed!"

I sigh.

"Fine. Hisana, um, go downstairs, and, er…Oh. For God's sake. Just go over and visit Yachiru, 'kay?"I grumble, not wanting to put up with hyperactive kids this early in the morning. I know Yachiru + Hisana = trouble, but...It's like, seven in the morning.

"YAY! I HAVEN'T SEEN HER FOR SO LONG! YACHIRU-CHAN!"

She bolts off.

"Two hours, huh?" asks Renji, grinning. "How long does it take you to pack, Ichi?"

I glare at him, before swatting his head, as I stroll into the walk in robe. "Get a life, Renji."

"What type? 'Cause—"

"No jokes, innuendo, or anything from you. I'm tryin' to pack, for God's sake."

Renji pouts. "C'mon, Ichi!"

"Later."

"ICHI!"

I glare at him. Grumbling, Renji leaves.

Well…That was unexpected.

I throw together a suitcase and stoll outside to find Renji has managed to pack half the contents of the bedside tables.

I sigh, and glare at him. "Renji. How much Hisana-free time do you seriously think we're gonna have?"

"Hey. Pack for the best-case scenario," he remarks, crossing the room, and kissing me.

Rolling my eyes, I return the kiss, before pulling away, and glaring at him.

He pouts, but picks up all the bags, and winces.

"Heavy?" I ask, smirking.

"Uh huh," he replies weakly. He dumps them back onto the bed, and (rather reluctantly) starts removing some of the stuff he packed.

That's when Hisana enters.

"What's all that stuff?" she asks, staring at the stuff Renji's packing back into the drawers.

We spin around, and stare at her.

"Well?" she asks.

"Um. Well. It's nothing."

"You don't hide stuff like that if you don't want me to see it," she points out.

I hate having a kid with Urahara's brains.

"So tell me!"

"No."

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"Shuddup, both of you," snarls Renji. "Honestly. You both act like kids."

"I am a kid," points out Hisana.

I roll my eyes, but then grin. "That's precisely why we're not telling you what the stuff is. It's not right for kids like you to know."

Hisana stares at me. Then her eyes widen. "Oh…Are they, like, adult toys?"

"…Hisana, what do you know about," gulp, "adult toys?"

"Only what Isshin told me! Now, c'mon, we have a holiday to go to!"

I stare at her back as she runs away, before her words sink in.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, ISSHIN!"

Holy…WHY DID I COME TO THIS INSANE, CRAZY, HORRIBLE TOWN THAT IS, FOR SOME RANDOM, UNKOWN REASON, THE FRICKING HEADQUARTERS OF THE GOTEI 13, EVEN THOUGH IT'S BLOODY FULL OF IDIOTIC, PERVERTED OR INSANE PEOPLE?

My life is horrible.

...

I chose to come here. Damn.

We all head over to the afore mentioned gate, me glaring at everyone and anyone. NO ONE'S RUNNING AWAY! GODDAMNIT! WHY AREN'T THEY SCARED OF ME?!

Then again, this is my normal expression...Damn them. Maybe I shouldn't glare so much...

I try smiling. It's hurts, a bit. Why do people like Urahara and Ukitake smile so much, when it hurts? Although...Urahara is strange... Anyway. People are now looking scared of me... BUT ... HANG ON! Smiling is a nice expression! People aren't supposed to be scared of a smiling person ('less it's Gin. His smile is just plain creepy.).

"Ichi...Why are you smiling?"

I glare at Renji. "What's it to you?"

"Well...You never, ever smile. It's just...Creepy."

I frown. He relaxes.

Oh. Goddamn this all.

"Mummy, why were you smiling? It was cweepy."

I glare at her. "Mummy's back to normal!" she cheers.

Groaning, I turn to everyone else, and scowl at them. No one reacts.

I really, really hate my life. Normally scary expressions look normal on me and normally happy expressions look scary on me.

A wailing noise just suddenly bombards us.... It's like someone's screaming, and it just sounds...Weird.... Although...That may be because...

"I'm sosorry, everyone!" wails Yama, running towards us. "I apologize for everything! My existence must be such a horrendous burden on you all!" Well, he got that right. "I apologize to the whole world! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'M SO SORRY! How could I do something so absolutely horrendous to you all! How could I! How could I? To think I, of all people, would do something so evil! You must all hate me!" And he manages to get another thing right. Whoa. "I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!"

"Err..." says Ukitake, "What exactly did you do?"

"I couldn't," sniff, "Get tickets to Australia! Either on cruises, or on a plane!"

"Why can't we just open the Gate into Australia?" asks Renji.

"I WANNA FLY THERE! OR CRUISE THERE! Taking the Gate just ruins all the fun!"

We all stare at him.

"Well," announces Hitsugaya, "I'm going to return to my paperwork."

"No," snarls Hisana, looking feral. Everyone steps back, staring at my now positively terrifying daughter… "You promised a trip to Australia. Now. We are going to Australia, and we can fly back to Japan, if you're so determined to fly." She adopts a particularly terrifying look – something like Soi Fon's Evil Glare Three™ (which, btw, is just utterly scary and has been known to reduce Yoruichi to nervousness (and it's the weakest of her Evil Glares™)). "Or…I will castrate you."

Yama gulps, and almost backs away. Then, suddenly, he glares, and, placing hands on hips, stares down at Hisana, who glowers back resolutely.

"I don't care!" Yama declares. "I rule the world, as I am KING OF THE UNIVERSE! So you must do what I say!"

Snarling, Hisana strides forwards, and, kicking at Yama's legs to force him to the ground, and jams her finger into his chest.

I am so proud of my little daughter.

"You. Are. Gonna. Open. The. Gate. Into. Australia. NOW!" she yells.

Yelping, Yama leaps back, and, rather hurriedly, stammers out, "I can't! The Gate only opens to other Gates, and I don't think there is one in Oz!"

Silent, Hisana stares at Yama, for several seconds, before letting out a huge scream, and … Lord… She's jumping up and down on him. How'd she get him back on the floor?

"YOU IDIOT!" she screams. "YOU ALIMIGHTY MORON! YOU GOD-FORSAKEN BRAINLESS MASCULINE BIMBO!"

"Hey!" he interrupts. "That's unwarranted!" Hisana simply glares at him, and Yama automatically subsides.

"You. Are. In. Huge. Trouble," she snarls, before storming off.

Briefly, I reflect that, as she's my daughter, I should probably go find her, and/or deal with the fall out here… I mean, you're not meant to congratulate a kid on yelling at/jumping on/and generally screaming at a Commander…Even if said Commander is completely nuts.

"Well," says Shunsui, "I must say…Your daughter will be…Difficult when she's a teenager."

Renji and I pale.

Oh Lord.

Teenagers… Puberty…World destruction…The end of life as we know it…

I mean, if she's this bad now, imagine when she's older…That'll just be plain torture. It'll be worse than dealing with Urahara... And Urahara's just... Let-Me-Die-Now...

"Leave the future to come as it well," snaps Soi Fon. "Honestly, though, she should not treat her superiors in that disgusting manner. Do you teach her any manners at all?" she adds, glaring at Renji and me.

"Of course we do!" declares Renji. "But…She was just disappointed, y'know. She was really eager to go to Australia – woke us up early, and all that. This is a major let down, and all…" his voice trails off.

"Right, like that's an excuse to yell at the Commander. Then again, what can one expect, seeing as she's the daughter of the two least-respectful Shinigami ever?"

"Oi! You take that back! We're not that bad!" I snap.

"No, you're worse."

"Aw, let it go, Soi Fon," says Shunsui. "Anyway, she's only been here since Yamamoto went… Well…You know what I mean…" he says, glancing at the now sobbing Yama.

We all turn and stare at the pitiful creature.

"Oh… What did I do to deserve such punishment as this?" he sobs. "Oh…I hope that fair lady forgives me… I shall never live if I do not receive her forgiveness, and without giving an adequate apology to the Lady….Oh…What am I saying…Nothing is good enough to appease her after I let her down so badly… I ought to just take my life here and now…And not have to deal with the horror of her snubbing me…Which is all I deserve, in truth…"

"Um…Okay…Is he planning to court Hisana?! I'LL KILL HIM, I WILL!" I yell, lunging at the idiot.

Renji, grabbing my waist, tugs me back.

Sniffing, Yama continues to describe every single 'beautiful, wonderful, dearest' quality of Hisana, aka, MY DAUGHTER!

Honestly, it's like he has a crush on her.

Then again, considering him, Aizen and Gin, it's not quite possible. He's occupied…The Two-Timing Bastard.

Anyway…

"Can I just kill him, please?" I beg, looking at Renji.

"No." His lips twitch.

"Aww." I brighten up suddenly. "Can I, at least, hurt him?"

Renji considers this. Then, shrugging, he says, "Fine…" Then he pauses, and glares at me. "But only a little bit."

"Aww. C'mon!"

"C'mon!" yells Yama, grinning like a loon… which he is … He does this entire …THING, where he basically bends his knees, one leg placed in front of the other, leaning forwards, with his hand bent towards his head.

We all stare at him. Groaning, he sighs, and glares at us. "Ya'know, Lleyton Hewit?"

Blank stares all round.

"Aussie tennis champion?"

Nup.

"I give up. Get cultured, you lot."

"Some of us are," sniffs Byakuya. "Others," he glares pointedly at me and Renji (oops… sorry. Renji and me. Grammar freaks, the lot o' ya), "are not."

I glare at him.

It does not work.

Tell me I don't have to get glaring lessons from my own daughter. PLEASE! I beg you...That would just be... So... Humiliating... And... Don't make me cry...

Not that I ever cry, or anything...

"Okay," says Ukitake, taking control. "I'll…actually…Byakuya!" he smiles at Byakuya, whose eyes narrow. "Byakuya-san, you can take Yamamoto-soutaicho, and calm him down." Bya actually pales. As in, he actually shows SOME sort of facial expression. OHMYGAWD, THE WORLD SHALL END! EVERYONE TAKE COVEEEEEEEEER! "Everyone else can just return to their divisions, and take control. Ichigo-kun, Renji-kun, you might want to find your daughter."

Both Renji and I pale.

"Well!" Shunsui says, clapping Renji's back. "Better two fit, young people who can run off, than lil' old me, I always say!" He looks at us. "If she looks particularly angry, I suggest using shunpo. I do that when my Nanao-chan looks like she's about to whack me over the head, and, I have to say," he winces. "Hisana looks like she's actually more angry than my Nanao-chan has ever been!"

Oh. Shite.

"I am not your Nanao-chan!" Nanao explodes spontaneously, producing that huge book of hers. Shunsui, following his own advice (for once), shunpos off.

A/N: So...I've kinda had writer's block for the last couple of months... But it's gone now! Many thanks to Yamamo-chan, whose review was the main breaker in my writer's block. Um. Yeah. Thanks to xPyromaniacxDestinyx for beta-ing... And yeah. XD My mega-long ANs are severely short now... Mayhap my WB isn't totally through...oh yeah...No... I shall talk about that later....

One more thing: I was kinda disappointed with the number of (or rather, the lack thereof) people who reviewed last chapter.... I feel very upset....And, as you can see, reviews inspire me to write... So perhaps you shall all show your support and review? Please? Or do I need to bring out my doctor again? Or the Oldeth Englisheth?