NOTES TO SELF - RE SECURITY BREACH
[This to be memorised for later delivery to a gathering of high-ranking Imperial officers and Heads Of Department]
I have called this Emergency Meeting of the Security Committee owing to recent incidents.
First and foremost, WHAT THE KARK HAVE YOU LOT BEEN DOING! [point finger accusingly]
Have you all been kriffing SLEEPING on the job!
What has got to HAPPEN before you lot karking wake the bloody hell up? Do I have to DO EVERYTHING MYSELF! [pace around room. Force-push furniture out of way if necessary]
Security breaches! Serious security breaches!
[Bang fist on table for emphasis. Point at highest-ranking officer in room in randomly threatening manner as if to Force choke; always works]
And internal discipline is grievously lacking! Here! I am SICK AND TIRED of having to repeat myself ad nauseam, you lot GRADUATED from the Imperial Academy, I DON'T KNOW HOW - some of you were fucking ADMIN SCHOLARS, I know that you [point], you [point], and YOU [point] were Imperial Scholars while that bloody lot in the back are fast-track Empire Law Clerks -
I have only ONE question. [Pause. Make it dramatic!]
HOW, for the love of the Force, have things gotten so completely OUT OF HAND when a bunch of top-grade talent is supposedly IN CHARGE!
I cannot be physically present EVERYWHERE. THAT is why we have middle management. YOU LOT ARE MIDDLE MANAGEMENT. So fracking well DO some 'managing', or else.
Toilet paper. Water. Sewage and piping issues. Fracking SHIT lying in the fracking CORRIDORS, kriffing HEALTH ISSUES. The kriff did DEWBACK RODS get into the garbage compressors! Bloody weed turning up left, right and centre. Karking HIPPIE troopers - Manpower, I want answers!
Answers. There WILL be answers.
[Force-choke the first fool who dares to anwer, make dramatic exit]
Oh, Padmé...!
Do you see how hard I am trying to make everyone fall into line so that all this will work out? I miss you so bad, Padmé. And I'm frackin' angry, too. I don't even know where you're buried, and I want to see you again, so badly - if only I knew where you were, I would dig up your grave and take out your bones and hold them close to me just so I could feel you beside me once more, like how we used to lie together in the grass in your father's estate on Naboo, and I'd put you in a beautiful box - a Jabor wood box, remember the snippet I gave you? I would denude Tatooine again just to make you a box, because YOU ARE WORTH IT ALL, and I would put your bones in the box and keep them in my room so that you would always be with me, forever and nobody could take us away from each other again like that BASTARD OBI-WAN!
The kriffing JEDI stole you from me, Padmé - Obi-Wan, that karking Jedi BASTARD stole you from me! He came and poisoned your mind, your bright and beautiful and sparkling and lively mind and I know, I know in the very depths of my being it was HIM who told you that I had changed; that I wasn't the man you met, that I was no longer the man you loved. And you fell for it like a sorry fool - hook, line and sinker.
But I don't blame you, Padmé. Not one bit. It's the woman in you, and it's not your fault you were... psycho-ed by that Jedi FREAK OBI-WAN KENOBI because I am damn well sure he used a frackin' mind-trick or some shit like that on you, which is the only thing he is good at apart from telling FRACKING SHITTY LITTLE LIES ABOUT OTHERS for no reason - no reason at all! - and his bloody "It's true, from a certain point of view" bullshit, it's complete and utter TRIPE and don't I know it! ...and karking hell, Padmé, you stupid nerf - why the kark did you even believe him at all? NEVER TRUST OBI-WAN, can I make it any plainer? See, it's OBI-WAN who destroyed our family or what would have been OUR FAMILY with his incessant kriffing JEDI MEDDLING and going around spreading shitty stories about people, the shit-stirring shit-smearer that he is because HE MADE ME SO ANGRY -
And I didn't choke you to death, Padmé, I swear on my honour that it wasn't me, I didn't do it - OBI-WAN did and I was not myself then, you know I would NEVER hurt you, you mean so much to me: you, and all you stood for like a bright beacon in the darkness that was my world, you were my light and everything I looked foward to each morning (sometimes each evening too) and, and, and, you have no idea what it was like to be a frackin' PADAWAN for all those years, not seeing you... not knowing what you were doing... wondering where you were and looking out over Coruscant each night and staring in the direction of Naboo, just staring, and wanting... wanting, wanting so BADLY to be able to spot your window, like how the kriff would I know which was YOUR window anyway, even if Naboo were within plain sight - you know what I mean -
It was ever so lonely, Padmé, but just thinking about you and hoping to see you again one day like I KNEW I WOULD, don't ask me, I just KNEW - got me through it all.
I don't know what I'm doing now without you, Padmé. Tomorrow I will direct my spies to infiltrate your father's estate and investigate into where you were buried. I will have you with me again, Padmé, I will - and nothing will stop me.