Aftermath
Chapter 2
They had been driving for an hour before they had any real conversation. Harm had been studying her every time it felt safe for him to take his eyes off the road for a second or two. She looked tired, and as far as he could see she hadn't gained any of the weight she'd lost during her time in Paraguay. He was worried. She'd never told him what she'd been through before he came barging into the shed where she'd been strapped to a table, seconds from being tortured. He wished she would talk to him.
"So, how've you been?" He asked.
"Okay I guess." She said quietly, not wanting to let him in on her real feelings.
"You look skinny." He smiled as he added the next part. "Beautiful though."
This made her laugh. "Nice save."
He chuckled. "It's the truth. Are you eating?"
She nodded. "I am. It's just been busy at JAG, and I haven't... Well, it's... The truth is that I'm not doing that great."
"I can see that." He reached for her hand. "I'm sorry I left."
"Are you happy in the CIA?" Mac asked, instead of acknowledging what he'd said.
"I quit." He said calmly.
"What?"
"I'm not joining the CIA, Mac. It was a stupid idea to begin with." He took a right and continued on a smaller road. "There's a nice B&B here."
"Did something happen to change your mind?" She asked, ignoring the B&B comment.
"I originally signed on to be a company pilot, but they need field agents, and I'm not interested in that. I told them I'd think about it over the weekend, but I won't, I've already made up my mind." He drove up to a nice looking place. "The Village B&B." He said as he parked.
Mac felt relief knowing he wouldn't become a CIA agent, and offered a sincere smile. "Sounds good, but it's a B&B, Harm. Aren't you hungry now?"
"I know the owner, Ken. There's a full fridge waiting for us in the cabin by the lake. He did some shopping and prepared his family's private cabin for us."
Her smile widened. "You planned this?"
"Oh yeah, you bet." He opened the car door. "Follow me."
He led her down a path, and soon a cabin came into view. "Here we are."
She waited for him to open the door for her. "I talked to Porter Webb today." She said as she walked inside and looked around the spacious cabin.
"How is she?" Harm had walked to the fridge and opened it. "Ken's been doing some serious shopping."
"She's okay, I guess." Mac walked over to where he stood. "She said that I needed to stop feeling guilty."
"She's right, Mac." He closed the fridge. "Webb's mess cost him his life, you're just lucky you didn't lose yours."
"Maybe." She said quietly, not sure if she'd ever be able to let the feeling of guilt leave her. "Webb died, you lost your job... I'm the only one who came out of the Paraguay mess without damage."
"I'm not sure I agree." He studied her with worry in his eyes. "You seem so troubled, Mac."
She nodded. "I keep having these dreams."
"Are dreams keeping you awake at night?" He studied her intensely, wondering how he could help her come to terms with what had happened.
"It's just one dream, and I've been having it ever since I came back." She admitted with frustration. "I keep re-living everything, except..."
He waited for her to continue, but when she didn't, and instead seemed to be miles away, he touched her shoulder lightly. "Except what?"
Her eyes met his. "You don't come after me. I always wake up just before he's about to torture me, but I know I'm going to die. I look into Sadik's eyes and I know I'm going to die, but the only thing I can think about is you, and how I left you."
"Mac, it's just a dream." He put a hand on her cheek. "You're okay."
"I don't feel okay." She pulled away from him. "And I hate feeling this way. This weak!" Anger was flaring in her eyes.
"Mac, you're not weak. It's perfectly normal to go through the feelings you are experiencing now, and it will take time to get everything back to normal. Just let me be there for you." He stepped closer to her again. "I'm not going anywhere."
She calmed down. "I'm sorry."
Harm knew she wasn't ready to talk to him so he decided to ease up the atmosphere in the cabin a little, he smiled and changed the subject. "I'll make you dinner."
"I'd like that." She let her shoulders down a little. "I can help."
"No, that's okay, you sit down and relax. Tell me about JAG. How's Bud and Harriet?" He started washing his hands. "I haven't had time to check in on them."
Mac found a bar stool by the counter that she sat down on. "Little A.J had the flu, but he's better now. Harriet is busy with the baby. He's a handful, really keeps them awake at night. Bud's been constantly tired lately, and I think he misses you. You should stop by them soon, it would really be good for him to talk to you."
"I'll let the CIA know that I won't be continuing my training on Monday, after that I've got nothing but time on my hand. I'll stop by Bud and Harriet sometime next week. I haven't even seen the newest member of the family. He's what? Two weeks old?"
Mac nodded. "Yes. A.J has been a little jealous after the baby came into the family, so make sure you give him just as much attention as Jimmy."
"Jimmy? Is that what they're calling him?"
Mac let out a chuckle. "James Kirk."
Harm let out a small laugh as well. "Does Harriet know who he's named after?"
"She figured it out."
They fell quiet for a while. Harm was busy preparing pasta, and Mac watched his every move, feeling so much better having him around.
"So, how's JAG?"
Mac hesitated. "It's empty." She finally admitted.
"Is that a dig at my size?" He joked.
She didn't smile. "I miss you."
He nodded. "I miss you too."
"The Admiral is grumpy, Sturgis and Bud aren't on the best of terms, I'm not completely myself at the moment... It's not the nicest place right now." Mac filled him in on the situation at JAG.
"The Admiral is mad at me." Harm let out a snort. "And I'm pissed at him."
Mac darkened. "Because of me."
"I don't regret resigning my commission to come after you, Mac, but he should have let me go. I can't forgive him for being so damn stubborn. What if you'd come home in a casket? It would have been all his fault."
Harm's tone was so cold Mac didn't recognize him anymore. "He couldn't send you after us, Harm. It was a CIA mission, it had nothing to do with JAG. He didn't know how serious the situation was, and he didn't know that the CIA had left us behind. I know you're angry, but don't be unfair."
"Unfair? I could have lost you, Mac." He snapped.
Mac stood abruptly. "I know how serious the situation was, Harm. But the Admiral didn't know. You had resigned, and he couldn't just take you back once the paperwork had been handled. It was all official then."
"I don't care about JAG, Mac, I care about you. He should have trusted me when I said that I needed to go after you."
"You made a choice, and he made a choice. We're all just going to have to live with that." She stepped closer to him. "You should know that the Admiral came to see me one night after I got back, and he said he was sorry. He said that if he knew what was really going on over there he'd come after me himself."
Harm looked away. "I didn't know that."
Mac continued. "He also regrets that he didn't grant you leave to go, Harm. It bothers him that he sent in your request for resignation and that it became official. You should talk to him, and maybe he can help you back."
"Maybe." He turned back to his cooking. "I'll think about it."
After dinner they went for a short walk by the water, before they ended up on the porch in front of the cabin.
"What will you do now?"
Harm shrugged. "I'll figure something out. With my trial experience there shouldn't be a problem getting something at a private firm."
"Do you want that?"
"The pay is good, I'd have more time for other things... It wouldn't be so bad." He smiled. "Maybe it's time I focus on something else rather than work."
"Such as?"
"Well, you told me that I'll only commit when you have one foot out the door. I traveled five thousand miles to bring you back to me, and I think that should mean something." He found her eyes with his.
"It depends on the reason you came after me?" She rebutted as she stared into his eyes.
"You know why." He reached for her hand. "Don't you?"
"I know that we're best friends. I know that you care about me." She looked at him with hopeful eyes, finally sure that he would tell her how he really felt.
"What you said about me only committing when you have one foot out the door. I swore to change that when you came back from that mission. So when I got the news that you were missing, and then this feeling that something horrible would happen to you, I knew that I had to find you to tell you how I really feel." He took a small break, before he continued. "With all that happened over there, mostly with Webb dying, I knew I had to wait until things calmed down before I could step up."
"And now?"
He swallowed nervously. "I love you Mac. I've never felt about anyone the way that I feel about you."
She moved closer to him and put her arms around his neck. "I really needed to hear you say that now. I love you too."
He leaned in and kissed her sweetly. "That's a relief. I don't know why it's takes us so long to admit that, because it's really not that scary."
She laughed softly. "I guess we just needed more time than most people."
"Yeah, I guess." He pulled her in for a hug.
They sat like that until the sun went down, just enjoying the silence and each other.
To Be Continued...