Author's Notes: Back again… The characters might be a little OOC here, I'm not sure. I tried my best, but such an occurrence is not a common one. This is some depressing Gwevin as well as some of Kevin's past. I have invented so many versions of his past. This isn't the one I think is the most accurate, but it fits well with this story. Well, how about you read on.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ben 10 or the quote at the beginning.
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"A new wound makes all the old ones ache again."
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
76. Broken Pieces
"I hate you." Three words that shattered his life into millions of pieces. Three words that broke his heart.
--
"Kevin… Why did you do it?" Gwen's voice was begging, asking him to give a logical reason that wouldn't hurt her or her belief that he had changed. She was desperate for it to not be true, for it to all be some huge misunderstanding. But a part of her knew that it wasn't.
"You know why." Kevin said smoothly. He shrugged. "I don't know why you're so upset about it. It was just one little deal. Nothing more." His voice was uncaring though he wouldn't look at her. He didn't like seeing her when she was begging like this. It hurt him especially when he knew that he had been the cause of her anguish.
"It wasn't just one little deal!" Gwen screeched, her voice taking on a shrill quality. Why had he done it? He was different, wasn't he? "I thought you had changed… But you haven't." She shouldn't have said those words, but they were out before she could reel them in. At the moment, she didn't care.
Kevin looked over at her, his eyes burning angrily. "I have changed," he defended himself. He wasn't a selfish monster anymore who couldn't care less if the entire world burned. He had changed a lot. Sure, he was still selfish, but not as much as he had once been. He didn't want the world to burn anymore. He didn't hate everyone. He didn't recklessly risk the lives of others.
"Right." Gwen said with a roll of her eyes. "That's why you risked your life out in that deal. Risked your life as well as the life of anyone who was around. You could've…" Her voice trailed off. She didn't want to think about the possibilities. Her lecture continued after that short pause. "It's not something you should've done. It's something the old Kevin, the Kevin who didn't care, would've done."
Kevin glared at her. He hated thinking about his past. Yes, he had made mistakes, mistakes that could almost be considered okay if you knew the entire situation. But how dare she compare him to the boy he had been? "It was nothing." His tone had taken on a steel tone, guarded as it often did when anything from the past was brought up.
"Kevin, it wasn't nothing. You almost died, the aliens got away with the tech, and the surrounding area could've been blown to bits if Ben and I hadn't gotten there when we did. Is that what you wanted?" Gwen asked, glaring back at the boy.
"Of course not! You know I wouldn't want something like that to happen!" Kevin shouted at her. How could she think that he wanted that? She didn't even know all the reasons why he had taken on the alien deal in the first place.
"Right now, I'm not so sure." Gwen said, glancing away from Kevin's face as she said the words.
Kevin smirked slightly, wanting to get away from all this talk about his past. It wasn't helping him to recall the bad things he did. "It wasn't that bad. You're just exaggerating, but it's nice to know that you care that I didn't wind up dead."
The smirk was just too much for Gwen. "Get out, Kevin!" She shouted, pointing her finger towards the open garage door. She definitely couldn't stand to be around him at the moment. Who knew what would happen if he did go on being stubborn?
Kevin raised one eyebrow, but didn't move more than that. "You don't really want me to leave, do you?" He asked, his tone slightly playful. Yes, he knew he was pushing it, but he couldn't help himself. Despite his previous anger, it was clear that he had calmed down for the moment. It was also clear that he was trying to forget about her words. They had hurt and he would love to just forget they had never been uttered.
"Yes I do." Gwen snarled. She was tired of Kevin. Tired that he could shrug something so big off as if it didn't matter. Did anything matter to him?! Right now, she doubted it, but deep inside Gwen knew Kevin cared. She knew that he hadn't meant to cause so much trouble.
"Come on. Don't be like that." Kevin said casually. A part of his mind was telling him to pull back from the simmering half-Anodyte, but he couldn't help it. It was too much fun to poke at her and the cautious, smarter side of him lost the inner debate of whether to pull back or not.
"Kevin Levin," he winced slightly as she said his name in a cold voice, "Get out now." That definitely should've warned him to get out of there.
"Make me." Kevin countered quickly, still lounging casually against the wall.
Gwen took a few steps closer to him, still glaring at him. "Y-you…" Her voice trembled as she sought for words that would fit to describe the emotions she was feeling at the moment. "I-I…" Her voice trailed off again. She really didn't want to say it, didn't mean it. But if he said one more thing, she might explode.
"Yes?" Kevin asked sweetly, unaware of the words threatening to spill from her mouth. To him, this was still a game. A cruel game, pushing at someone's buttons, but a game nonetheless.
"I hate you!" Gwen spat out the words. Regret coursed through her as soon as the words left her mouth. What had she just said?! Gwen was stunned.
The effect on Kevin was instant. All his muscles tensed as he pushed himself up from his sprawling position against the wall. His eyes had glazed over as memories pushed at the carefully constructed wall that kept them from overwhelming him. That wall was cracking rapidly. Too fast to build it back up. Kevin took a few steps back, obsidian eyes watching her. She could see a look of pure despair fill them up. When was the last time she had ever seen him this vulnerable? Never… Kevin Levin didn't break down, but he was very close to it.
"Kevin…" Gwen said, reaching out one hand to the cowering boy. At first she had thought he would be angry, but he wasn't. She couldn't find words that would perfectly describe Kevin's face at that moment. Was that a look of betrayal that she saw? Of depression? Of tears not spilled? Of memories that were meant to be shoved away in a locked box spilling out of that box?
Before she could say anything else, Kevin spun away as if the mere mutter of his name had spurned him to get out. The boy ran towards the door as Gwen called his name again, "Kevin, stop!" He was out before she even got into the hallway.
--
Kevin had flung himself into the driver's seat of his green Camaro before pulling out. Now he was driving down an unknown road, no destination in mind. He just had to get away. The words thudded through his mind once more.
"I hate you."
They were venomous words, words that cracked his heart into bits. They had been said before by someone who he had loved. Who he had thought would always be there for him no matter what. Look what had happened to that relationship. Now she had repeated those same words. Why? How could she? Tears that were trying not to be shed blurred his vision.
"Mom…" Kevin whined quietly as the wall that usually kept the memories at bay broke down completely. He could barely see the road anymore as the memories swamped over, took away his senses to emerge them back to that day. The day that had ended him, that had first thrown him into a pit of growing sociopathy.
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He was 8 again. Back in the house he had lived in since he could remember. Maybe he lived elsewhere before he was born, he couldn't remember and his mom had never told him. Cheerful days had been spent here, a few sad ones, but mostly good ones (not counting the moments with his stepfather). Until this day.
Kevin had come home from school at his usual time. Unlike other kids, he didn't stay for afterschool activities. No one wanted him around anyway, why should he even try to get involved? He saw the way they glanced at him, the way they talked about him when they thought he wasn't listening, the way they talked to him when he was listening, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter that he was an outcast, not allowed the join in with the others as they played tag or soccer. He had his mom. She was always there for him even when her husband wasn't.
Strangely, the house was eerily silent. Kevin dropped his backpack down on the floor as he glanced into the living room. It was empty. "Mom." The boy called out, wondering where she was. She was always there for him. Always there when he came home.
Always.
A sound from the kitchen alerted him and he smiled. Maybe his mom was cooking something good for him. With that smile, Kevin walked towards the kitchen, expecting his mother to be standing by the oven watching cookies bake or chopping vegetables up for dinner. He was greeted with neither of these sights or any of the other sights his mind had dreamt up.
What he saw was a darkened room, curtains drawn. Strange, his mother never closed the curtains. She loved the sunlight and Kevin had come to associate the brightness with the woman who loved him. Darkness wasn't her territory. Kevin's eyes skimmed over the dark kitchen and finally found the figure he had been looking for. His mom was standing with her back to the door, shoulders shaking. A frown of concern crossed Kevin's face. What was wrong with her?
"Mama…" Kevin walked towards her. What had happened? His mother almost never cried. She hadn't cried for a long time. What was wrong now? Was it about last night? That had been a complete accident. Kevin had said sorry. She wouldn't be angry about it, would she? No, she couldn't be. She never was; it was Will that got furious at him. "Mama…" Kevin repeated; one arm outstretched to touch her on one shoulder.
His mother's body stopped shaking as that hand came in contact with her. She didn't turn around to face her son. "Go away." Her tone was quiet, almost pleading in a way.
"Why, mama?" Kevin inquired, confusion flitting across his face. "What happened? Maybe I can help." His voice was just as quiet and pleading, begging for his mother to let him know what was wrong. She helped him all the time, so why couldn't he repay the favor? At least he could offer comfort in the way his mother had.
"No!" His mother shouted, shocking the poor boy so much that he stepped away from her. She whirled around to face him and Kevin was met with a haggard face. He could barely see the resemblance of her usual self in those darkened eyes, that dull, black hair that clutched to her head. It scared Kevin to see his mother look like such a complete stranger.
"What's wrong, mama?" Kevin asked again, hoping that she would answer him. Hoping that it had nothing to do with him, but how could it? He was her only son; she had said she loved him many times. This had nothing to do with him. She shattered all those thoughts with her next word.
"You." His mother pointed a finger at his face and Kevin noticed that she was holding a butcher knife in her other hand. Fear flowed through the boy. He didn't like what was going on. But she was his mother… She wouldn't hurt him. Maybe… His mind could offer no creative solutions as to what was going on.
"Mama, I didn't mean to do it yesterday. It was an accident." He reverted to begging, a thing he often did with his stepfather. It hadn't been his fault; she couldn't blame him for it. "I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault." Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as he stared at the face that usually held so much comforting features. Today, no matter how hard he searched, none of those features could be found.
"It's not just the blown-up TV from yesterday. It's all the previous times when you blew things up, when you 'accidentally' caused things to happen." Her tone was shaking in anger and Kevin took another step away from his mother as he watched her raise the knife.
"Mama! Stop, mama!" He whined. "None of that was my fault. They were all just accidents. Mama!" He cried, hoping that she would revert to her regular self. This side of his mother scared him. It was foreign, ugly, and something no child should see on their parents' face.
"It doesn't matter. You're a freak." The words sliced at Kevin's heart, the first injury of many that would be sustained on this day. Others had called him freak, his step-dad called him freak. But never his mother. She had simply called him special… Wasn't that good? "Why couldn't you be born normal?" Her voice was in a begging rage now and Kevin was afraid to say anything. "Why did you have to be born a freak? Why can't you be a normal son that I could love?"
"But you do love me, don't you Mama?" Kevin asked, his voice a small tremor in the face of this monstrous woman. When he wasn't answered right away, Kevin continued in a despairing tone, "You told me you loved me no matter what… Mama, you love me, right?" The slightest edge of hope, that she loved him despite his freaky attributes, was held in his voice and in eyes shining with unshed tears.
"No…" His mother's voice was quiet now as she glanced towards the ground. Her voice was trailing and Kevin imagined that it sounded unsure. A kid's mind would do that, when things weren't going well. That this was just something she said in anger. Suddenly her eyes hardened upon finding some resolution and she looked into his eyes. "I don't love you…" She trailed off again, as if she wasn't sure if she should say more.
"Bu-But Mama…" Kevin's voice trembled as he stared into her stone-cold eyes. How could they change from warm and loving to this cold in so short a time? Hadn't it been only yesterday when she had greeted him at the door and told him a story of his dad, his real one, not the step-dad? "…You said you loved me…" His voice shook as tears started to slide down his pale cheeks.
"Well I don't." His mother snarled. "Now, get out of my house. You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere. You're just some freak. A freak no one can love." She spat the words, plunging them into the boy's heart and cruelly twisting her son's view of life. "Now get out before I do something you won't like at all." She lifted the knife in a threatening pose.
It wasn't the knife that caused him to back away from this woman. What was going on? His head spun, words repeating themselves over and over again. "Mama….Mama…" He whined as he moved away from the one person who had loved him, the one person who had always offered him comfort. Now all that was gone.
"I'm not your mother anymore. I wish I had never brought you into this world." She hissed at the boy and moved her knife towards him. He wasn't sure if she would hurt him, but he desperately hoped she wouldn't.
Kevin was still edging away, but he was slowing, reluctant to leave despite the insults thrown and the wounds sustained on his breaking heart. There was still a part of him that hoped his mother would come to her senses, say sorry, pull him into her arms, and wipe away the falling tears. But it didn't happen. Instead three words, three words that hurt more than any dagger could, were uttered in that kitchen.
"I hate you." Her voice was dead serious and the realization of what those words meant fell heavily atop the boy. More tears spilled from him. "No one can love you."
The woman opened her mouth to say more, but Kevin had run. He didn't want to look at his mother. No! She wasn't his mom anymore. He had no parents. His stepdad hated his guts, he knew from the way the man always looked at him with such contempt. His stepfather thought he was a freak. And now his mom had thrown him out. They didn't care. They didn't love him. No one loved him. And how could someone love him? He was a freak, a freak stuck in a very human and normal body. A freak… Yes, that's what it meant. A freak couldn't find love or even care anywhere.
Where was he going to go? He didn't know. What was he going to do? He didn't know. How was he going to live? Maybe he should just die. It would make everyone on the planet happier, wouldn't it? That had been what his mother said, and everything she said was true or so the boy had always thought. So what now? With no one to care for him, what could he do? Maybe hide away, use his freak powers to his advantage.
But why should he? That almost made him give up right then and there, but he held back from electrocuting himself as a reason formed.
He would live in a world that hated him. A world that wanted him dead. Just to scorn it. The 8-year old laughed, the thought pleasing his mind, which was slowly twisting as his mother's words ran through his mind. Yes, that's what he would do. He would scorn them all. Show them that a freak like him could stay alive. More laughter came from the boy as he ran.
That's what he would do. Survive and laugh.
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"I hate you."
Those had been her exact words. How could she do it? Gwen didn't know. She had just been so angry at him for nearly blowing up the place. No, it wasn't only that. It was also the nonchalant manner that he had adopted about the whole deal. And the fact that he had nearly died. When he had pushed her in that annoying way he always did, she had lost it.
Those three words were a big lie. It wasn't true. She loved him despite all his faults, his arrogance, his snide comments, all just a part of him. But when she had said those words, all that confidence, the manner which he usually conducted himself in, had shattered into innumerable pieces. She wasn't even sure how far it had gone; just that it had caused damage to the boy.
Gwen bit her lip. She couldn't stand it. She had to go after him. Apologize, beg for forgiveness, tell him that she didn't hate him. She loved him and she needed to tell him that. It was the least she could do. Maybe he would forgive her, maybe he wouldn't. She didn't exactly deserve it. Gwen had to tell him she had been angry over that stupid deal, why had he even gone through with such a thing? For the thrill?
His eyes stared into hers before darting around, seeking escape from the situation. He hadn't wanted to be found out, but there was also a look of relief. He was happy she was there to help him out, help him get away from these enemies of his that he had been dealing with.
No, she couldn't think negatively. His face, when caught in the crime, had worn a guilty expression at being seen dealing with scum. But his eyes had also been relieved that she and Ben had gotten there when they did? So it wasn't for thrills… What then? Could he want something? Perhaps another message that had ended up in the Black Market?
As she contained the explosives with her manna, she couldn't help glance towards Kevin. He wasn't in a good condition. Blood caked his face and she could see numerous other wounds. Apparently, the aliens he had been dealing with hadn't been too friendly. However, he wasn't watching her. He was hastily stuffing something away.
She had forgotten about it in her rage, but she could recall the box he had stuffed away. It had been black, hard to see in the darkness. It hadn't looked remarkable at all. Just a plain, black box containing who knows what. Kevin knew, Gwen reminded herself as she stuffed her arms into a jacket.
"I'm coming, Kevin… Don't do anything stupid." Gwen murmured to herself as she pushed open her front door and began running, tracking Kevin easily with his handkerchief. She had meant to give it back, but she had kept it instead, too embarrassed to hand it over to the boy after the lengthy time she had kept it for. He would just have teased her anyway.
--
A crash on his roof brought Kevin out of his reverie. Usually, he would have pummeled whoever dared lay a hand on his beloved car, but today was not a usual day. Instead, he came to a screeching halt and got out, a look of despair on his face. He really didn't want to have to fight some alien right now. All he wanted to do was curl up and die. Okay, maybe that was a bit of an overstatement… Then again… Kevin didn't have much time to think about it as he looked at his car.
As he saw the damage, a dent to his roof, Kevin felt a small tremor of anger rush through him. Then again, why should he hold back? Maybe pummeling an alien would drive away this sadness, this depression. Kevin's eyes flicked around, searching the area for the alien who had dared smash his roof.
A large Vulpimancer watched, growling at him. It was larger than Wildmutt, much larger. The vulpimancer's fur was mostly a sleek orange, but dark red stripes came down its back and haunches. Giant teeth protruded from its jaws and drool fell to the ground. Flecks of green paint surrounded black claws. A metal collar was wrapped around the creature's neck, the emblem of one of Kevin's multiple enemies etched on to it.
"You're so paying for the car." Kevin shouted angrily, but he didn't put the usual energy into it. He couldn't, not with the fresh memory of Gwen and his mother yelling at him. While he had gotten over his mother thinking him a freak, Gwen hating him wasn't something he could handle.
She was the first person to reach out for him, to show him compassion. Before her, he hadn't known love after what his mother did to him. He had thought everyone hated him and that no could love him. However, she had shown him love. Her words had stung him, stabbed at his heart. He couldn't concentrate on anything without seeing her in his mind. It was immensely distracting and definitely not the right mood to fight in.
The punches he swung at the vulpimancer once he had absorbed the metal of his car weren't as strong and spirited as usual. Why should he care? Meanwhile, the vulpimancer lunged at him, digging fangs into his arms and making dents on his armor. It wouldn't be long before the covering shattered. What would happen next? Kevin found himself caring less and less about his fate.
Kevin swung another fist at the vulpimancer, but it quickly jumped out of the way. Leaping over him, the vulpimancer proceeded to kicking the boy. He flew through the air before landing on the ground, rolling a few feet. His metal armor was chipped away at, showing pale skin and clothing.
The vulpimancer jumped after its prey, landing heavily atop the ravaged boy. It dug its incisors into his arm. Kevin would've fought back harder, but he couldn't find the energy to fight.
I hate you.
Those three words haunted him. They rendered his arms useless. All fighting spirit drained away from the boy. Sure, he should've been fighting to keep on surviving like he always had. He could live on his own, stay away from people that would only end up hurting him. But he would still love her and living with the ache of those words forever didn't appeal to him.
Survive and laugh.
That had been his old motto, his old way of living. But now, he couldn't go back to that. Why? Because there was nothing to laugh about. She hated him. Maybe if he had waited a little longer, maybe if he hadn't been attacked right away, he would still care. He would still fight. But the wound was too raw for him to forget about it.
So he lay there, letting the beast rip at his body. Blood was pooling quickly around his form and pain held him tightly in its clenches. Kevin sighed, his eyes closing.
--
Gwen had been running for a while now, but she stopped as the smell of blood hit her. Turning her head, she spotted an orange creature like Wildmutt bent over something… No, not something, someone. Sighing, Gwen began running towards it. Why did there always have to be an alien around to interrupt?
"Hey, leave whoever you have alone. Humans aren't on the menu." Gwen shouted at the creature, throwing a ball of manna at the creature.
It growled at her, turning away from the human it had been attacking to look at this new prey. Catching sight of the collar, Gwen aimed at it. A pink band wrapped around the collar, crushing it. The creature had been about to jump at her, but it stopped as the collar fell to pieces. Sniffing the pieces, the creature shook its head roughly.
"Go off, you're free from whatever controlled you." Gwen said impatiently at the creature who stalked away. It appeared as the vulpimancer had better places to be than fighting a human with manna powers. She didn't have time for this, she had to find…
Her thoughts came to a standstill as she noticed the green car that had been parked beside the sidewalk. Kevin's car. She would recognize the vehicle anywhere. Her eyes turned back to look at the body lying in the grass and the pool of dark blood around it.
"No…" Gwen murmured softly, running up to the body. It couldn't be him; he wouldn't do this badly in a fight. He could beat it, he was strong enough. Quiet reassurances ran through her mind, but they were all useless.
Because she knew they weren't true. She knew who it was.
"Kevin! Kevin…" Gwen kneeled by his battered body.
To say he looked terrible would be the biggest understatement of the year. There were deep gashes on his arms and his chest. Blood still flowed from his wounds. His shirt was torn, so that it would more likely be considered rags than actual clothing. His jeans were torn as well, but not as badly. Kevin's face was marked with cuts made from the claws and vicious fangs of the vulpimancer.
"Please Kevin," Gwen whimpered as she touched the boy's wrist. A small stir of hope ran through her.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That hope was shot.
Tears welled up in Gwen's eyes. He couldn't be dead. Damn it, he was Kevin Levin, the boy who had spent time in the Null Void and lived despite all the monsters in there. He could not be dead, could not be dead. The last words she had said to him drummed in her mind.
I hate you.
"Kevin… I don't hate you." Gwen murmured softly as the tears fell down her face. Why did she have to say that? Those words had killed him, the vulpimancer merely the one who killed his body. She had killed him. There was nothing worse than killing the one you love.
More tears fell down her cheeks. Numbly, she noticed something in the pocket of his jeans. She took the object out. It was the black box, the one from the alien deal that had started this whole mess. Still numb with despair, she opened it with trembling fingers. Two items were in the box. The first was a piece of paper depicting a map of the DNAlien hives on Earth. The next was…
I…
How could she have ever said those wicked words? She hadn't even meant them. They were just quick words, words said out of anger over that stupid deal. And she hadn't even known why back then. Why hadn't she let him explain? Why?! His reason had been justified, mostly, as she looked upon the objects. "Kevin, I know you'll never forgive… You can't." Her speech stopped as another sob escaped her. Her mind was becoming too muddled to form coherent thoughts.
Love…
"Why? Why did I have to open my stupid mouth and say them?" Just three words, they were all it took to kill Kevin Levin. Three words that hadn't even been true. Lies, the biggest lie Gwen had ever uttered. That was all. And yet they had done so much more damage. "I didn't mean them."
You…
"Kevin, I love you…" The words gushed out of the sobbing girl. "I love you…" She knew that she meant them. Who cared that she was still young? Some people said that it was impossible to find love so early. Gwen didn't agree. She loved Kevin.
Too late…
The softest whisperings of the wind as it rustled the leaves was her only answer, the only answer she would ever receive. Other than that, the area was quiet minus the sobs from the girl as she buried her head into his chest, not caring about the blood. In one hand, she clutched a ring that contained a purplish gem the color of her manna.
I love you.
I can't hate you.
But I do hate myself.
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A/N: Wow… That was a lot more depressing than I had thought it would be. When I started, I wasn't sure how this would end. I guess after the more lighter stories from before, I wanted to write something darker and angst-filled. Well this was the result. Sorry if you don't like depressing. After a lot of begging from my sister who read this, I have decided to try writing an alternate end to this story… A happier one. I'm not entirely sure if I will finish it, but if you guys want it, I'll do my best to do it. Please review.
Twilight Phantom Dragon