Disclaimer: I'm not Kurt Sutter …

A/N: Writers block is the worst. Every time I sit down to write this story, I second guess myself and I apologize for that guys. So I decided to suck it up and finish this chapter. I will finish this story, I promise! Here's the next chapter; enjoy :)

Chapter Four: My Heart
Juice POV

I was pissed, livid even. I had let the one girl I love slip through my fingers like sand. This was entirely my fault and now I would suffer the rest of my life. "God dammit!" I shouted in anger outside the hospital.

"Juice!" I heard Tara call out my name as I was heading towards my motorcycle. I wanted to drive away, far away and not come back this time.

"What Tara?" I said as the doctor ran up to me.

"You need to know what happened when you were gone. The complete story; nothing left out. Look, I only have three more minutes on my break but meet me at Lumpy's around six. Okay?" she said as she glanced at the watch on her wrist.

"Alright, thanks Tara. I'll see you then," I headed towards my bike, fighting back tears. I headed back to my house where I snapped at the sight of the pictures; all the memories.

"All …" I yelled, pulling the bookcase down, "My …" I slid my arm across the mantle and all the pictures came crashing down on the floor. Glass was scattered across the room but I honestly didn't care. "Fault," I slumped into the arm chair and stared at the mess I had created. I never let my anger get the best of me but I couldn't help it.

I watched the clock until it was half an hour to six. I sped off towards Lumpy's as fast as my bike would take me. Tara was already there when I arrived and I slid in the booth across from her.

"Feeling any better?" she asked, seeing the tormented look on my face.

"No, I feel like shit," I said. When the waitress came I ordered a beer even though I knew I was going to need something stronger by the end of the night.

"Okay, so I'm going to tell you everything at once. No interrupting, got it?" Tara told me bluntly. I nodded and took a sip of the beer.

"When we found out you were 'dead', Valerie ran out of the room crying and upset. Kozik was the one who found her in the bathroom. They developed a friendship after that. About two weeks after the funeral, she found out she was pregnant," I choked on my beer, in shock. But I didn't dare interrupt Tara's story. Did this mean I have a kid? So many thoughts ran through my head as I waited for Tara to continue.

"She was getting along great in the pregnancy. Kozik took care of her, taking her to all the appointments and everything. Around 16 weeks she developed Braxton Hick's contractions and we found out it was a little girl," Great. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest. We had always wanted a little girl; it was a part of our dream family. I nodded, signaling to Tara that I was ready to hear the rest.

"She went into early labor around 22 weeks and the baby was stillborn due to placental abruptions. It wasn't anything that she did wrong; it was just a horrible complication of the pregnancy. She was devastated. They had a small funeral for your daughter, who they named Johanna Marie Ortiz. She's buried near John Teller's grave if you want to go visit her. Somewhere since that time Kozik and her friendship developed into a romance and they got engaged. At first she was skeptical but I think she was just scared of losing him like she lost you. They're getting married in two weeks," Tara finished talking.

I opened my mouth to say something but I was at a loss of words. I couldn't believe I wasn't there for her through this tough time. If I were Valerie, I would never forgive me. "A baby?" I said shaking my head.

"I know, it's a lot to take in Juice. But she's at a good spot in her life now and it needs to stay that way. When you died, Jax and I were terrified for her. We thought she was going to die of a broken heart to be honest. She barely ate, barely slept. All she did was work. Please, for Valerie's sake, don't ruin this for her," Tara said honestly. I knew it hurt her to tell me that but she was completely right. I wouldn't ruin Valerie's life anymore.

"Thank you for telling me this Tara. I have to go to the club meeting, but here's money for the tab," I stood up and jetted out of Lumpy's. My head felt like it was going to explode.