Author's Note: Written after many months of constant thinking. Here is Natsume's side and the whole thing after they met in my ficlet, Too Late. Oh, and thank you so much for bugging me to do this, cause after I read my own work was then that I realized how hard it is to leave this story hanging without clearing the air.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice, in any way.
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Too Late
-Ria Lee
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
"You can only push a girl for so long until she walks out of your life on her own. So be careful and make sure that this is what you really want, because once she turns around, she's not coming back."
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
"She's got the brightest eyes, the widest smile, the most naïve nature, and most of all, I think I'm starting to love her. Every single thing about her is the only thing making me alive. So tell me, was it a bad decision to let go of her?"
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
"Natsume Hyuuga, if she was your life then why did you commit suicide?"
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Natsume's POV
Oh no, I can't believe she's here again. The nerve of this woman to barge in my house and pester me for another hour. Really, I already said a flat-out no in this stupid fixed marriage they're trying to set me in but no, to hell's pit will they listen to me. Sometimes I just wanna think that maybe they're deaf or something.
And then there's this girl they're setting me up with. Mikan Sakura. The girl with the brightest eyes anyone can see, and damn, she's way too dense for her own good. I have been shooing her out of my house for how many fucking times but she just won't budge. Why is she even here when I already told her gazillions of times before that I have a fucking girlfriend. Can she not just accept the damned fact that we can't be together? That I have responsiblities far more important than going lovey-fucking-dovey with the likes of her? That she—
Now I'm rambling. Wow, nice man. You sound so gay.
If she won't budge on that seat in the count of three, I swear I'm going to drag her out of my house and I won't even care about her welfare.
Three…
"Natsume! Here, I brought you a bento! You know, to strengthen your body from a long day. Well, I know it's not so much for you but I hope…"
Two…
"…but you know, it's been so good since I started hanging out with you, with all the fun and stuff. Also, we're starting to know each other more…"
One…
"…and I just hope you could be more open to me, yeah? Cause it's just awkward when I'm the only one always talking about stuff and—"
"Will you please shut the hell up?" and this is the part where I should probably shove a dirty cloth in her babbling mouth.
"Excuse me?" she was being strong, alright, but her eyes are slowly spilling out unnoticed tears. What a crybaby.
"Oh, so you're not just deaf, you're also a crybaby. Figures,"
"How could you be so insensitive, Natsume? Do you know how many times I've sacrificed my time just to make this relationship work—"
"Sakura, THERE WAS NEVER A RELATIONSHIP, got that?"
Now, she's really sobbing, and I just have to bloody make her feel better again, huh?
"Yes there IS! There bloody is! How can you not know that I really like you? We're about to get married and you treat me like you really don't want to be with me at all!" and sob, sob sob. Geez, if I really am marrying this woman, then I'll feel like a pedo.
"Why can't you understand? I already told you that I have a girlfriend, and I'm planning to spend my life with her because she…I've known her for many years, and I barely even knew you at all," maybe there's something in what I said that made her eyes flare up and her hand ready to land a slap on my face. Blessed by a razor-sharp reflex, I was able to catch it without a sweat.
"How dare you say that in my face, you...you…jerk!" and she struggled.
"You know, this is not working for anyone of us. You should just quit, alright? Now go, my girlfriend's about to drop by and I don't want her to see even a shadow of you." Her eyes were full of mixed emotions and I tried my best not to get lost.
"She does not have an idea of this thing at all?" and now, I want to punch her.
Focus Natsume, focus. You don't want to rot in jail, do you?
"Sakura, just—just get out of my house, most especially in my room," so I shooed her away from my quarters and I can hear her scream mindlessly,"You don't even call me Mikan or something! Just Sakura! We've known each other for months and you still call me that?"
What a bother.
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Normal POV
"I don't understand! Last night, he was acting sweet, then now, he's being insensitive! Seriously, what the hell?" Mikan thrashed around her room childishly, throwing minor tantrums about how she feels unloved, making Hotaru grimace with every scream. Until she can't take it anymore.
"SHUT UP!" and Mikan did.
Hotaru can make a person obey whatever she says even if it's not her own home. Female Hitler, she is.
"You can't go around acting like this just because you don't get whatever stuff—or probably a person—you want. Act on it and never give up unless you failed trying a thousand times," Mikan was in her state of epiphanic happiness when her eyes suddenly narrowed down to her best friend.
"Who made you drink some weird thing that made you say those things?"
"Shut up, nincompoop. So when are you going back to Natsume's house?" the amethyst-eyed lady asked as she read a book languidly. Mikan shrugged and returned the things back to its original position.
"Dunno, but I swear this will be the last time I'll ever try. If this won't work, I don't know what will."
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Mikan's POV
So I followed Hotaru and made a move on what I really want. The next day, I visited him, I went inside his house and squared my shoulders as if to tell everyone that I can do it. He was there, in his masculine glory, too busy to even notice me. He was wasting his time doing stuff on heaps of paper in front of him, and I didn't want to disturb him but as I was watching him, I suddenly felt a pain in my toe—damn, I stubbed myself with a coffee table I barely knew was there.
"Ow, shoot!"
That was when he raised his head to look at me and his face contorted to one of irritation. I gulped and muttered a sorry, hoping to get him back to his work, but he stood up and walked towards my direction.
"I don't remember inviting you inside my house. Why are you here?" his cold voice made me realize I was holding my breath for so long.
"I just wanted to make sure—" he cut me off and stepped backwards.
"Make sure of what? I don't need your concern or anything with the likes of it, you get that?" he's having a bad day or something, and I just happened to be the first person he talked to and so he had to get his anger out. Yes, that must be it.
"I'm sorry Natsume, it's just that—" but he cut me off for the second time, and it's starting to get a little bit irritating.
"Get out before I do anything dangerous."
"But—" now I feel extremely irritated.
"GET OUT!" maybe if I tell him what I really feel, he would at least learn to love me back.
"I love you, Natsume!" and that made him shut up. He was silent for a few minutes and I wanted to say something more but…
"I'm sorry, I can't love you back." I felt my eyes widen at this and his too.
"W-Why? I mean, Sumire's still your girlfriend, and you haven't proposed to her yet so you can still—"
"I already did. I proposed to her…last week," my eyes began to water and slowly spill out fat tears. I don't know why but I suddenly felt that urge to slap him.
And I did.
It probably caught him off-guard, cause my hand landed on his cheeks at a perfect angle as his head whipped to the side. He held it and looked at me as he gestured to the door.
"I'm sorry, but you have to get out."
And I did what was told.
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Diary,
I have not written in a few days now, probably because I was too busy catching Natsume's attention that I forgot everything else, and that includes you. I feel left out, only now knowing that Ruka and Hotaru already broke up when it actually happened about two weeks ago, and Hotaru was even here the other day! Some best friend I turned out to be.
You know, I feel like realization hit me square in the chest. I hate Natsume for breaking my heart into tiny little pieces, I hate him for making me fall for him even more, but I hate myself the most for not realizing that love was made to be cruel. That I had to control myself with all the emotions, that maybe, he's not the only guy alive for me. Maybe if I turn my head to the other side, I'll meet a man I'll love more than I did to him, and he'll reciprocate that feeling too. I feel stupid for not noticing the minuscule details. He can't love me, diary. He never will.
Cause he's got it bad with someone else that got everything I have to live without.
He must feel a little weird when I told him I love him, considering the fact that we only knew each other for months, and that we barely spend time together except when I go see him.
If only he knew how dreadfully agonizing it was to tell him that I love him after a year and a half of not knowing I even exist.
He was mine, but not really. I never really had him so I never did lost him. And I guess this is how it will always be, I had him, and he had me; but then again, there was really no us, no matter how much I want it to work.
I learned that in the cruel world of love, promises aren't contracts meant to be sealed, kisses aren't assurances of faithfulness, sweet words aren't guarantees of loyalty, big hugs aren't bonds meant to be kept, and that everything is not what it shoud turn out.
Yesterday, I cried, tonight, I sleep with a sorrowful heart, and maybe tomorrow I'll be strong. I've tried so hard, and it still seems not enough.
And tonight, I feel like giving up.
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Natsume's POV, a month later
I'm finally free from worrying about my relationship with Sumire with that Sakura gone. I don't know, but what she did before was just a little disturbing.
She loves me? She must be kidding.
We don't know each other before the party, and she can't develop a strong feeling such as that in a duration of three months! That's just crazy.
My phone just rang, and it was an unknown number. It was a text message.
"My identity is not important, I doubt if you know me but I know you very well. Let me tell you something, your girlfriend, Sumire Shouda was seen with your bestfriend, Ruka Nogi. I'm telling you this to let you be aware of all the things happening. Good day."
If this is all true, then I don't know. I want to smash my little mobile phone into pieces, but it rang again.
"Babe, let's meet at the café in 10 minutes."
It was Sumire.
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Sumire's POV
Fidgeting under his gaze, I exhaled heavily. I should really spill this to him once and for all. The idea of us breaking up for good is not a very nice thing to dwell on, but I can't take advantage of him, not at all, I promised not to cause pain. I can see his faithfulness for me and it will hurt him, knowing that the one he loved for so many months—almost a year now—is having an affair with someone he considers his brother.
"What do you mean, babe?" Natsume fondly asked me, intertwining his fingers with mine and squeezing it lightly. I wanted to cry but I can't. I can't break down in public, not in this café, not in this situation, not like this. I looked at him and saw his eyes full of trust, faithfulness and love, and I had to look down. I am so embarrassed. I feel ashamed for everything I've done, but I should face this.
"I-I'm sorry Natsume. I don't think this will ever work out," I tried to swallow the bile in my throat, to no avail. I felt him let go of my hand, might be shocked with what I'm rambling about.
"What are you talking about, babe? I mean, don't just babble nonsensical stuff if you don't really mean it—"
"You really think I'm kidding, huh?" I can't find my inner sarcasm and clever comebacks as I see his soul crumble slowly.
Damn it.
"Sorry, Natsume. I can't force myself to love you, not when I'm in love with someone else," I can see the crimson in his eyes narrow and focus into my emerald ones. I'm being scrutinized.
A long, eerie silence swept in and enveloped the two of us, barely able to recognize the sound of cups clanking against saucers, almost-mute honking of cars from a distance, hushed whispers of fellow customers nearby, or even the argument of a waiter and his manager. He had his mask on again.
"So the rumors are true," he clenched his fist that was once holding my hand. I felt terrible, but I cannot just be someone's girlfriend when I'm in-love with someone else. It will just ruin the whole thing between us. I can't say anything as I felt like I've lost my voice so I just nodded in apprehension.
I never thought this time will come.
"You and Ruka, huh," he muttered tightly and pushed his chair tightly as he stood up. I stood up as well and watched him mumble incoherent words. Then, to my utter surprise, he grabbed my hand, took the engagement ring he gave me and went out without a word.
I deserved that, didn't I?
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.
Natsume's POV
It was already four years since I broke her heart, and got my own taste of karma. It's been four years since I last saw her, argued with her, talked to her. I never got the chance to say goodbye properly, because I was too proud of myself back then. As time passed, I soon realized that maybe, if I told her my real feelings, this won't happen. I won't lose her.
Cause I admit that I was starting to like from that point on, and now, I'm really in-love.
I had a talk with my dad last week, and he told me how I felt about Mikan Sakura:
"She's got the brightest eyes, the widest smile, the most naïve nature, and most of all, I think I'm starting to love her. Every single thing about her is the only thing making me alive. So tell me, was it a bad decision to let go of her?"
"When I was your age, Natsume, I had to cross the deepest sea just to see your mother, since she was living miles away from where I was. It was a really hard thing to do and sometimes I felt like giving up, but you know, the agony will be replaced with happiness once I felt assured that she also loved me back."
"Dad, I love her. She was my life—"
"Let me ask you this: if she was really your life, then why did you let her go? Why did you commit suicide?"
"Dad, I want to have her back. I need to call her and tell her that I love her and that she's only the one for me. I want to make her feel special and loved."
"Go, don't make her wait! The moment the plane she's on touches the ground of Japan, I'm going to give you her number and call her as soon as possible. Tell her what you told me just now."
"When is she going back?"
"Next week, probably."
So that was why I ended up in this situation. Her number in my phonebook, ready for me to call her the moment the clock strikes seven.
6:50 PM
Ten minutes more and I'll hear her sweet voice again. What if's are starting to roam around my nervously fucked-up mind. What if she won't love me like she used to? What if she was mocking me in the first place? What if she has a boyfriend?
I've never felt this in my entire life.
I'm a world apart, a world so far away from her, but that does not mean I don't remember all the things we do, no matter how insensitive I was back then. Everytime I have this doubt in me, I always say to myself that there's still time, and that she'll be mine, but I remembered that there's also a concept of 'it's too late'.
I just hope she'll remember me.
6:59 PM
Wow.
I thought about all those things for nine minutes? Oh well, ust one more minute and I'll have her back.
7:00 PM
I can hear the incessant ringing and I can visualize her beautiful face staring at the screen with a confused look.
"Hello?"I would do anything to hear this voice again, her naïve nature was gone and is replaced by a more matured one.
"Mikan." I can say she's shocked to hear my voice on the other line, as I heard her gasp a little and covered it with a fake cough.
"How did you know my number?"I must have caught her off-guard, maybe she never really did expect me at all. Just the thought of it makes me sad.
"It doesn't matter now. Uh…I…I missed you." The fuckery of it all. Why the hell's pit am I stuttering?
"And so?"oh no, is she slowly making me feel on what I did to her before?
"I really did," please listen to me, please. I want to have you back, I really do.
"How am I supposed to react to that?"
"Look, I'm really sorry," I feel damned. I really do.
"What for?"was what she said, with that air of pride.
"For ignoring your efforts to communicate with me,"
"It's okay. I got used to it. I got tired and stopped what I was stupidly doing and started forgetting. You should forget about it too, you know,"oh fuck. She's making it even more complicated than it already is.
"I…I tried…to forget about you, you see," she never said anything, so I continued.
"Cause it pains me that we can never be—" but she cut me off for the first time.
"It's okay, really."What the hell? It's okay? It's is not bloody okay!
I can feel my blood rising and I want to punch a wall.
"Why is it so okay to you?"
"You know, I got used to days in UK hoping you'd call me all the way from Japan and tell me you also harbor the same feelings, but you never did. So I started facing reality and started to move on,"I feel damned and frustrated. I know it was hard for her, but she's not being fair. I'm really trying hard to get us back together, and here she is, making it all the more difficult.
"Am…Am I too late?" here goes nothing…
"For what?"
"To court you, I mean?" please say yes, please say yes…
And she laughed. What the hell is so funny about what I said?
"You know, I've always wanted to hear that from you, frankly speaking. Back then, four years ago; but I got used to only wishing for it, then realized that it would never happen,"damn it. Damn it.
One last bullet and I'll give up if it won't hit the bull's eye.
"I'm really sorry, but don't worry, this time, I'll make your wish come true," I want to laugh at myself for being so stupid.
And I did.
"It's my turn to say sorry, Natsume. Time got into me, and you've broken my heart a million times already. I just can't risk experiencing the same feeling again. Thank you, anyway, for communicating with me after four years of silence,"and she ended the call.
Damn it. I feel like a thousand knives were stabbed right through my chest the moment she ended the call. Maybe it was the worst decision I've ever made, letting her go and appearing into her life way too late. I inflicted too much pain in her that I never had the chance to get her back.
It was too late. I was too late.
She never gave me a chance, and I know I really deserved it.
END
Author's note: Yes, that's pretty much it. I hope I cleared the air and I gave you the mental image of the whole thing. I promised this as my Christmas and New Year's gift to all of you, so I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave some reviews and sprinkle it with love! :3
On a side note, I think I'll be making another ficlet before Christmas break is over. Please stay tuned for it!
Ria Lee, over and out!