A/N: I want to thank all of you for your support and kind words during my time of feeling down. It meant the world to me and I am feeling much better now.
Baynewen: I'm sorry I made you cry? Well, okay, not really because it's a huge honor that I was able to make you feel such emotions. Thank you.
Brokentragedy2: Thank you so much for everything. Your encouragement and reviews continue to keep me going.
And I don't know if she reads this but I wanted to give a special shout-out to Aleeab4u. I am so happy that my reviews have turned into the dialogue that we have going. You understand what I'm doing so well and your support means so much to me. Thank you.
And of course thank you to everyone who reads, reviews, alerts, etc this story. I kind of think of this story as "the little story that could". It's the least popular of my WIPs but in some ways it's my favorite to write so I'm glad that at least some people are enjoying it.
He finally released me when we were standing in the hallway just inside the front door. I was overwhelmed and breathless. So many times I had wanted this and he had to wait till now? Till after he left me broken? I was irked to say the least.
Holding up my hand in a stop gesture I spoke. "Edward, no." I said as he stepped forward.
He just grinned at me cocking his head to the side and seeming quite proud of himself. It did not escape my attention that no apology was forthcoming and I made a mental note in his favor. Old Edward would have backed away and profusely apologized for jeopardizing my virtue.
We stood looking at each other for a moment and then I shyly turned away intimidated by the passion he had released and that he seemed eager still to let loose once more. I was trying desperately to think of something safe we could do for the rest of the evening. Watch a movie? Read? Play a game? What do you do when your suddenly amorous vampire boyfriend returns after breaking your heart and asks to spend the evening with you?
"Bella what are you thinking?"
"Just trying to decide what to do with the evening."
At that moment the phone rang and I thanked whatever god there was for saving me from that awkward moment. I rushed into the kitchen and picked up the receiver.
"Hello?" I asked, almost too enthusiastically. I could sense Edward's presence hovering near me.
"Bells? You okay?" My Father's voice conveyed his sudden concern.
"I'm fine Dad. I just came in from a walk."
"A walk? At this hour? Bells that's not safe."
"I'm fine. I didn't go far."
"Are you sure you're okay? I can come home if you want me to." I could hear the weariness in his voice.
"No, I'm okay, I promise. I'm sorry if I worried you. I'm probably just going to watch a movie or something and then go to bed."
"Alright." He sighed. "You know I love you right Bells?"
I teared up when he said this, my chest tightening with guilt. "I know Dad. I love you too." My reply was quiet and shamed.
"Okay kid. Keep your chin up. I'll see you tomorrow."
"K', night."
"Night." And then the line went dead.
I put the receiver back in its cradle and leaned against the wall momentarily forgetting Edward's presence behind me.
"Bella?" He said, and I could tell he was right behind me. He laid a hand on my shoulder and gently turned me to face him and once again he looked so torn and lost and anguished. I could tell he'd be crying if he could and I didn't entirely understand why until I realized he must have been able to hear Charlie's thoughts and I immediately straightened up trying to show strength in my posture. Anything to distract him so that he wouldn't pity me.
His hand was trembling on my shoulder.
I sighed. There was no escaping this. Logically I knew that. If he ended up spending any time amongst the townsfolk or students of Forks High he'd find out.
"What did you hear Edward?"
"Enough. Too much." His face was a mask of pain.
"Don't cry Edward." I said even though I knew it was a ridiculous statement.
He cradled my face in his hands searching for words. Instead he pulled me to him and crushed me in a hug. His whole body was shaking. I wrapped my arms around him trying to soothe him. I never wanted him to feel this kind of pain. In the darkest depths of my despair and anger I wouldn't wish this on him or anyone else I loved.
He pulled away suddenly but still held me by my shoulders. "Tell me you can forgive me Bella. Please. Tell me it's not too late." He begged.
And I knew I would. I knew a part of me already had. But now it was my turn to not find the words. So I simply nodded my head.
He pulled me back to him and kissed the top of my head. "I'll do anything you want. Anything. Name it and it's yours." He whispered into my hair.
I didn't know what I wanted from him. I just knew that I needed this moment to end. Thinking about it caused the hole in my chest to flare with memories I did not want.
"Let's just go listen to some music or something." I suggested, pulling away from him.
"Alright." And he smiled sadly at me.
We moved into the living room and I turned on the floor lamp next to the couch casting a warm glow over the room. Turning on our ancient stereo I popped in a mix tape of some quiet music that I had made. When Edward had left I couldn't bring myself to listen to anything happy so I had taken to singer/songwriter type stuff. Things that were quiet or brooding and deep. Things that fit my mood.
I reached into my backpack that was still leaning on the couch from when I had returned home from school on Friday and retrieved my notebook. I plopped myself down on the couch nearest to the lamp.
Edward sat down at the other end seeming unsure of himself or perhaps he was just giving me privacy.
"What are you writing?" He asked in a quiet voice.
So much for privacy but I wasn't about to tell him what I was writing. Even though it was about him I wasn't sure I would ever show him and I prayed that he never snooped into any of my notebooks because he would surely be distraught if he did. I'd written pages and pages of my thoughts and feelings in the time that he was gone. I was careful to avoid any incriminating information in regards to the nature of his family on the off chance that my Father found the notebook but I desperately needed somewhere to get my thoughts out. I had no one to talk to. No one who would understand the depth of my loss.
"Nothing." I replied, not even looking up at him.
He didn't push for which I was thankful. A part of me felt guilty because he was just sitting there doing nothing.
"Do you want a book to read?" I asked.
"No, that's okay." He said shaking his head. "Actually I should probably call Alice. I left rather abruptly."
Her name spoken aloud made my heart skip a beat but I quickly calmed down and went back to writing.
Edward rose from the couch and I heard the front door click shut as he stepped outside to make his phone call. I was glad that he did because I didn't think I could handle feeling like she was so close and yet so far away and as soon as I had that thought I realized what I wanted to do, what I wanted to share with him, something that might give him hope.
I got up, sliding my notebook onto the end table and went to retrieve the film. At least we had a DVD player. I was kneeling down in front of it when Edward returned and he looked at me questioningly.
"Have you ever seen Wings of Desire?" I asked him.
He shook his head no. I was slightly surprised at this. I think I had just assumed that someone who'd lived as long as he had would have seen everything. My surprise must have shown on my face because he smiled and spoke up.
"Movies have never been much of my thing." He shrugged.
'Oh' I thought to myself. Maybe this was a bad idea?
"What's the film about?" he asked.
"I'd rather you just watched it." I said cryptically.
"Alright. I trust you. Will you sit next to me?"
I sat next to him curling my feet up on the sofa. I shut off the light opting for a more cinema like experience. The opening voice over began.
When the child was a child, it was the time of these questions. Why am I me, and why not you? Why am I here, and why not there? When did time begin, and where does space end? Isn't life under the sun just a dream? Isn't what I see, hear, and smell just the mirage of a world before the world? Does evil actually exist, and are there people who are really evil? How can it be that I, who am I, wasn't before I was, and that sometime I, the one I am, no longer will be the one I am?
The film was a bittersweet mix of life and death and love and loss. Realistic in its visions and yet never despairing. And there was a love story. One that in some ways mirrored our own which is exactly why I had chosen this film. But instead of lamenting their inability to be together they made the best of what they had and dared to dream for more.
The character of Marion, the love interest, spoke:
Longing. Longing for a wave of love that would stir in me. That's what makes me clumsy. The absence of pleasure. Desire for love. Desire to love.
I instinctively clasped Edward's hand tighter in my own and he returned the gesture with a gentle squeeze.
The other main character, Damiel, is an immortal angel unable to exist in the physical realm of humanity. So he watches over Marion as he falls in love with her praying for humanity so that he can meet her and be with her. Finally towards the end of the film he achieves his goal and meets her and they sit comfortably together as if they had always known each other.
The film ends with to be continued…
Another reason I chose it and I hoped the innuendo was not lost on Edward. I may not be able to speak aloud the words floating through my head but I could try and convey them in other ways. He was smiling when the DVD clicked off and I turned the light back on.
"Thank you." He whispered, and I was happy that he seemed to understand. I raised his hand to my lips and kissed it tenderly.
"I should go to bed." I said, noting the extremely late hour.
He nodded, looking at me with love.
I finished up downstairs, shutting lights off and putting things away, while debating whether or not to shower. It was a habit I had gotten into when Edward first started spending his nights with me but after he'd left I'd gotten out of the habit. I decided to simply freshen up, washing my face and brushing my teeth.
When I reached my bedroom Edward had already pulled the blankets back and was lying on his side, shoes and socks off but still clad in his jeans and t-shirt. He had rarely let us sleep without rolling me up like a burrito in my sheets so I had to admit I was a bit excited at this change of etiquette.
I climbed in next to him and snuggled close and he spoke in a hushed voice.
Some day, if I should ever lose you,
will you be able then to go to sleep
without me softly whispering above you
like night air stirring in the lindentree?
Without my waking here and watching
and saying words as tender as eyelids
that come to rest weightlessly upon your breast,
upon your sleeping limbs, upon your lips?
"No." I whispered meekly back at him. "I couldn't survive it again if you left." I admitted in a moment of vulnerability.
"Neither could I." he replied, kissing my forehead. "Never again Bella. Never again."
And I fell asleep with his promise laid over me like a blanket.
Another A/N: I just wanted to let you know that both the film and the poet in this chapter are real and I highly recommend them. The poem is by Rainer Maria Rilke.
I also have a question. An idea for a small lemon came to me and I'm wondering how you would all feel about that since this isn't really that kind of story. I would try to make it as tasteful as possible of course. It just seems natural to me that their physical relationship would grow along with their emotional one but if you guys are totally against the idea I won't do it. I'm not talking a full on sex scene, just a little bit of…I don't even know what to call it but it would definitely be adult themed.
Let me know?