A/N: Thank you to Mara, Aleea, brokentragedy2, belladonnacullen and I'm so sorry I can't remember who else right now.
Because of all my free time (boy the internet is a time sucker!) you are getting a longer chapter. The longest I've ever written I think. The downside is that I wasn't able to do any research so if there are any mistakes or inconsistencies please forgive them.
"No one can walk backwards into the future."
Chinese Proverb
"Hey Dad" Bella said, returning from her visit to Jacob.
"Hey Bells. How were things at the Res?"
"Sam's back."
Charlie's eyes lit up and he stood.
"Whoa, Dad, wait. Billy says he's fine, that he ran away or something. Said not to worry."
He harrumphed and made his way into the kitchen and moments later she heard him speaking into the phone. She hadn't been sleeping well so she went straight to her room and sat on her bed thinking. These days without Edward had taken a toll on her. What was supposed to be a freeing experience only made her feel anxious and she was back to her usual nightmares. She couldn't call him, she couldn't visit him, and for all she knew he was gone again.
Maybe it's better that way.
She got up and locked her window and closed the curtains. Something she hadn't even done in all those months of solitude.
That night Edward showed up at her house. It had been a couple of days and he figured that was long enough of a wait. The days had been excruciatingly slow despite the various things that needed attending to. When you don't require sleep you become acutely aware of each passing minute until it ticks inside of you like a bomb that will never go off. Just sitting there, reminding you that it's there, keeping you on edge but never amounting to anything.
To say that he couldn't wait to see her would be a gross understatement. He needed to see her. Every fiber of his being required it just as much as his body required blood. Maybe even more.
But when he got there the curtains were pulled tight and he knew right away that something was wrong. He knew she was there, he could hear her breathing, already lost in sleep.
He tried the window anyway only to find it locked. Locked out. Locked away. Is this what it had felt like to her? To know that something is there but to not be able to reach it? That the very thing you need to survive exists but doesn't want you?
He swallowed back his rising panic and dropped to the ground pacing.
Maybe it's been locked all these nights. Maybe she just still needs another day or two. You said you'd respect her wishes. You can try again tomorrow. You can do this.
He spent the rest of the evening in the tree outside her window.
The next day at school Bella cornered Mike Newton and asked him if he needed any help at the store.
"Wait, what? Do you mean it? 'Cause, Bella, my folks'll kill me if you flake out."
She winced.
"I won't flake. I swear it. I need to start doing something with myself."
"Well okay." He replied grinning. "Maybe we could…you know…go out sometime?"
She groaned inwardly.
"One thing at a time Mike. When should I come to the store?"
"How about this afternoon? My Mom will be there and I know she'd love to meet you."
"Okay. I'll see you then."
Mike was right. His Mom embraced her as though she were a part of the family and Bella could only imagine what he had told her. Bella started that afternoon, mostly just learning the ropes.
By the time she got home darkness had settled over the town and Charlie was just pulling in. He raised his eyebrows at her as he exited the cruiser.
"Where you been Bella?' He asked cautiously.
"I picked up some hours at Newton's. Hope that's okay?"
"Yeah, kiddo. That's great."
That night when they sat down to dinner Charlie brought up the Sam thing.
"So I talked to Billy." Charlie said, trying to be nonchalant.
"Oh?" replied Bella.
"Fed me the same crap you did if you'll pardon the expression."
Bella nearly spit out her milk. It was so unusual to hear her Father talk like that.
"Something's up. I know it is. They should know better than to try and fool a cop."
Bella simply nodded. She agreed with him but had nothing to add.
"Bella if you know anything you gotta tell me. I need to know if I should be worried about anything."
"No Dad, I swear. I know what you know. They won't even tell Jake anything."
He sighed, moving his noodles around on his plate, examining them as though they would hold an answer.
"Well, just promise me you'll be careful. Don't get mixed up in anything. You know?"
Was he implying what she thought he was?
"Dad." She said, dropping her fork loudly on her plate and giving him a disbelieving look.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just don't buy the teen runaway story. So humor your old man and be careful."
"I will." She whispered.
She didn't buy it either so she added another visit to the Reservation to her to do list for the week. The list designed for the sole purpose of keeping busy, to either keep Edward away, or to be completely unaware of his absence. Either way worked.
BPOV
"You do realize that Mike thinks you're flirting with him right?"
Angela gave me the look that said I should have known better.
"Ange in what twisted world does a boy think you're hitting on him when you ask him for a job?"
"In Mike's world of course. He has it bad for you and you know it."
"Yeah, I know."
We were walking between classes and I couldn't help but wonder if Edward was in the woods somewhere watching me. I'd been keeping my window locked every night this week.
"So what's up with you anyway?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why Ms. Social Butterfly all of a sudden? I mean, you even made plans with Jessica. That's not like you."
"I just want to join the world again. Is that so wrong?"
"Yes. It's very wrong. You didn't even want to be a part of this world when you first came here. You always had your nose in a book. Not that there's anything wrong with that but suddenly you're overcompensating. Why?"
"How about this Ange…you help me overcompensate this afternoon and I'll spill the beans so to speak. Sound like a plan?"
"Yeah, sure. It's a date." She replied, flashing one of her brilliant smiles.
"Good, maybe we should tell Mike that. Wait no…ewww…forget I ever said that. The last thing I need to do is give him more fantasy fodder."
"I think they call it a spank bank Bella."
"OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!" I said pushing her away. "You will never utter that phrase again if you value my sanity."
"Sure, sure, sorry. But that's what you get for making me sit with Jessica all those months. I learned more about boys than any virgin should ever know."
"Well maybe you'll have to impart some of that wisdom to me. On second thought, no. I'll stick to my books when it comes to sex ed."
"Good idea." She said as she ducked inside her next class.
That afternoon we drove to Port Angeles. Going there had gotten easier after I started hanging out with Jake. I no longer saw shadows around every corner, flickering images of the past left to haunt me.
We walked along the sea wall and talked. I couldn't tell her about Edward coming back but I could tell her everything from the last few months. I told her about Edward leaving me, repeated those killing words he spoke in the woods that day. I told her about lying on the forest floor, of how I shut down and then broke down. I'd never talked to anyone about this. Not even Renee.
I told her about my suicide attempt. Of course she knew. But she was my friend. She deserved to hear it from my mouth. I told her what it felt like to be standing up there, staring out at the grey sky, my hair whipping around my face. I told her how peaceful it felt, and how horrible it was to wake up and realize I was still alive.
I paused, waiting for her to abandon me too. To tell me it was too much for her to bear. And I would have understood. But she didn't do that. Instead she turned to me and took me in her arms and held me. Really held me. Not just a hug or a pat on the shoulders but an embrace. It was the first time anyone had done that since Edward left me. I realized in some distant part of my mind that I was discounting his return and the many times he'd held me in the one short week since he'd been back but I decided I didn't care. This was different. It was one human being to another. Not someone who had an agenda, who felt guilt or felt like they had to hold me. It was my friend. A true friend and I'd never lamented having a secret more than I did in that moment. I suddenly wanted very badly to tell her everything, every little truth I'd been keeping from her but I knew it wasn't my place to do that.
"Hey." She said, finally pulling away. "How about I treat for dinner? This is supposed to be a date after all." She winked.
"Yeah, what's Ben gonna think about that?"
"He'll live. C'mon, girl time is healthy every now and then." She replied, linking her arm around mine and leading me across the street to the shops and restaurants.
She led me to the restaurant where Edward and I had had our first 'date'. There was no way she could have known the significance of this place but I sucked it up and decided what better place to ask her for advice?
We sat at a different table and I ordered different food but otherwise the place was exactly the same. Right down to the waitress who seemed to smirk at the absence of my boyfriend.
"There's still something you're not saying Bella." observed Angela while I was toying with my straw.
"Can I ask you something?" I said, looking at her pointedly.
"Of course."
"Say Ben broke up with you. Wouldn't give you the time of day for months on end. Treated you as though you didn't exist."
"Uh-huh…"
"Then say he suddenly started talking to you again. But not just talking. He wanted you back. He wanted things to be like they were. Told you he loved you and that he always had. What would you do?"
"Oh. My. God." She said with a disbelieving smile on her face.
I paused keeping utterly still.
"You heard from him didn't you? That bastard." She said looking away and shaking her head.
The word stung. To hear someone else call him out like that seemed entirely different than me or even Charlie doing it. It was further evidence of the ripple effect his leaving had caused.
"I'm sorry Bella." She said, taking my hand.
It was only then that I realized my eyes were tearing up.
"It's okay." I said sniffling and straightening up.
"So you've heard from him right?"
"Yes."
"And?"
I sighed. "He says he loves me, says he wants to be with me, that he made a mistake and he'll do anything to fix it."
"Hmm…Don't they all say that though? I don't know Bella. I'm not exactly an expert on relationships. What do you want?"
"I want the fairytale." I whispered.
"The what?"
"Sorry, nothing." I replied, shaking my head. "I love him. I want him but I want him the way things were. I don't trust him anymore and I don't know what to do."
"I don't blame you. Isn't this all kind of moot though?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well they moved away. They aren't just going to move back because Edward says so."
I stifled a laugh.
"What? They will?"
"I think they would, yeah. His family is a bit…different. Anyway, they never sold the house so technically they could."
"Huh. Well I don't know what to tell you Bella except keep him away from me because I sure won't have anything nice to say to him."
My face fell when she said that.
"Seriously Bella?" She asked as she held my hand. "When you were with him he became your world. That isn't normal. If you get back together with him just don't forget about the rest of us okay?"
That time I did cry.
Hanging out with Jessica had been a mistake. The only good that came of it was trying to convince her that she should ask Mike out and I had entirely personal and ulterior motives for that. I felt guilty using her but I figured Mike wouldn't mind.
Other than that the night was completely awkward. Jess prattled on about boys and even had the audacity to ask me if I'd slept with that 'Indian' boy and if so what it was like.
"Jess, he's Quileute, not just some 'Indian' boy and his name is Jacob and he's my friend, that's all."
"Too bad. He's looking mighty fine lately." She said with a lascivious smile. "What about you and Edward?"
We were in her car driving back from the movies. I was trapped. Otherwise I would have run from her. My heart went into overdrive at the mention of his name. I'd been trying, and doing a pretty good job, of not thinking about him this week but deep inside I was becoming more and more anxious. Had he left again? This time for good? Decided I really wasn't worth it? I knew I was the one pushing him away but I guess I'd been hoping he'd fight harder for us.
"Bellaaaa…" I heard Jess whine in the seat next to me. I took a deep breath.
"No Jess. I'm fully intact if that's what you mean."
"Geez Bella. What's with you? You had Adonis for a boyfriend and you play the ice queen?"
If only she knew. It was actually the ice king that was keeping me a girl instead of a woman and I might have laughed if her words hadn't twisted a knife inside of me. My patience was wearing thin with her and I silently vowed never to hang out with her again.
That night was the most difficult of all that week. For the first time in days I cried myself to sleep.
EPOV
I could hear her crying but I was still shut out. No more. Tomorrow I would confront her. Jessica's words stung and I had to fight my more primal nature that wanted me to grab Bella from the car and issue a warning to Jessica that she would never forget.
I so desperately wanted to call Alice and ask her if things would be okay but I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. But I would talk to Bella. And I would try everything in my power to make up for being a 'bastard' as Angela had put it.
BPOV
The next day was my visit to Jacob. It was another cold grey day but I found myself actually getting used to the weather and almost missing it when the sun did come out. The sun had come to be an almost unnatural thing in my mind for more reasons than I cared to admit.
Jake and I decided we would go visit the shaman today. What's the worst that could happen? She'd probably just tell us to go away, and Billy would probably yell at us, but so what? I'd been in far worse trouble than that in the past and Jake was too riled up about whatever was going on to care.
We climbed the hill to her shack. Smoke was rising from the chimney just like on the first day I'd gone there. But unlike that first day I found myself unable to go any further. I couldn't explain it. It was an uncomfortable feeling, a feeling like I didn't belong or I wasn't welcome and no matter how much I fought it I couldn't move forward.
"Bella?" asked Jake as he tugged on my hand trying to get me to come with him. As soon as my body crossed the invisible line I felt sick to my stomach and turned away bent over and ready to retch. And that's when the door opened.
When I turned back around to see who had opened the door I noticed the fine white grains of salt dotting the damp blades of grass, speckling them like ice crystals. And at that moment I knew that she knew my secret. She knew what Edward was.
The same young boy stood there for a moment staring at me and then he slipped back inside leaving the door open and a very confused Jacob looking from me to the door and then back at me. His attention turned back to the door when the shaman came out.
She looked sad and sympathetic as though she were sorry for something. Jacob spoke a few words to her in their ancient language and she in turn spoke to me in English.
"He came back." She said making a tsk'ing noise and shaking her head.
"Yes." I nodded.
"Had I known…"She trailed off shaking her head. She spoke again to Jacob.
"She says 'What is done cannot be undone.' Bella what is she talking about?"
I couldn't answer him. Somehow this old woman knew what Edward was. But I still didn't know what she meant.
"I don't know Jake. Ask her."
But instead she answered. "Be careful child. You are caught between two worlds and I can no longer help you." And with that she turned to go back inside.
"Wait!" I yelled. "What do you mean? Where's Sam?"
She turned back when she reached the door. "Sam will be fine. It's not him you should be worried about."
"I want to see him." piped in Jacob.
This time her sad look turned to him. "You will. Soon. And I'm very sorry for it."
She closed the door and we were left standing there confused and trying to decipher her words.
"Jake what the hell was that?"
"You tell me." He replied angrily, storming away towards the trees.
"I don't know." I yelled after him, following him into the woods.
"What did you do Bella?" He asked as he turned to face me.
"Nothing!"
"You're lying."
"I'm not. I did the ritual just like she said. Edward came back. End of story."
"Where is he now?"
I faltered. I hated lying.
"See? You are lying. What aren't you telling me?"
"I can't Jake." I whispered.
"Well let me know when you can. I'll be waiting."
He left me in the woods, dejected, rejected and feeling every bit as unworthy as I had always believed myself to be. How had this ended up being my life? How do you go from living in the heat soaked desert with your hair brained mother to the rainiest part of the world that just happens to have vampires and magic and all of these complications? I drove home feeling the black weight of depression descending on me.
As I was turning the key in the lock and pushing open the door to my house I heard that sweet honey voice behind me.
"Bella."
He was looking perfect as ever and I was torn between running to him and rushing inside and locking the door. Instead I just stood there frozen like a deer caught in the hypnotizing gaze of a predator. He took a step towards me and I took a step backwards.
"Bella." He repeated still moving forward and me still moving backwards until I was fully inside and getting ready to shut the door. But he placed his hand firmly on it preventing me from shutting it.
"Bella what's going on?"
How many times was I going to be asked that today? I stood silent.
He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me. Fully and passionately and the sparks ignited between us, the ones that had been there from the very beginning, the ones that had set all of this on its path both good and bad.
He pulled away and my breath was gone.
"I missed you." He whispered. "Why have you been keeping me away?"
I shook him off of me.
"Bella please talk to me."
These were the things I'd been avoiding all week. The feelings and thoughts and conclusions and confusion and ultimately this conversation.
I sighed.
"I'm afraid, Edward." The words came out a mere whisper. I couldn't even look at him.
"Me too."
I raised my eyes to meet his, surprised.
"What of?" I asked, skeptical.
"Of losing you. Of never getting back even a tenth of what we had. Of the future. Of everything. That even if we do spend eternity together there will always be a kernel of doubt inside of you."
"Seems like we're mostly afraid of the same things."
"So that's why you've been keeping me away."
"What do you mean?"
"If you reject me I can't reject you."
I hadn't really thought of it that way but I knew it was true as soon as he said it.
"I thought maybe you left again. I couldn't face that. So I kept busy trying not to think about it. And I learned something too, or at least I think I did. It was something that was said to me. Something that made me feel guilty and got me thinking."
"What?" He asked his brow furrowing.
"I'm too dependent on you. It's not healthy. I've been ignoring my friends this whole time and that's not fair to them. Well, mostly Angela I guess but still…"
"Bella…" He said, shaking his head and letting out a small laugh.
He stepped closer and held me forcing me to look at him.
"You feel this right?"
I knew he was talking about that electricity that seemed to bind us together. The moment his skin made contact with mine it was dancing between us like tendrils wrapping us together.
I nodded yes.
"You're human. But I'm not. The same rules don't apply to us."
I looked at him confused.
"I've tried to tell you that our kind mates for life. That when we find that person they become an inextricable part of us. Like air or water to you we cannot live without them."
"But you left me…"
"Yes. And it was the worst few months I'd had since I left Carlisle all those years ago. I had a plan Bella. As soon as your life was over, as soon as you were gone, I was going to kill myself. I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist. But honestly? I would have come back eventually. I wouldn't have been able to stay away from you."
"That doesn't make any sense Edward. Why leave in the first place? And why tell me such horrible lies?"
"Because of what happened. You must know that? In your heart of hearts didn't you know that? I can't stand to see you hurt Bella. I couldn't protect you. Not even from my own family. So we had to leave. It was the only way to be sure."
"Not the only way." I muttered.
"I know." He said, holding me to him and kissing the top of my head. "And if it's what you want, what you truly want," he said, pulling back, "Then it's yours."
"I can't believe that Edward. You say all of this now but what about next week or next month or even next year?"
"I'll wait. I can't promise I won't beg." He said with a smirk. "But I'll wait."
I sighed again, and leaned my head against his chest.
"What can I do right now?" he asked. "Is there anything that can make you feel better? Right now, in this moment?"
I looked at him.
"I need to know everything Edward. The truth. About everything. I feel like I don't know you. Not really. I want to know where you were and what you did while you were away. And I want to know about the time you spent away from Carlisle. I want you to trust me with all of it. No sugar coating. I love you for who you are and what you are."
"I want it all Edward."