A/N: Hey everyone. I have to make this quick because I'm running out the door so if I miss a thank you I'm sorry. And if there are any errors in this chapter they are solely mine and not my beta's Aleea. Speaking of Aleea THANK YOU SO MUCH. She is seriously the most awesome beta and if you like this chapter it is in a large part due to her feedback and help.
That being said thank you to everyone who has been reading and alerting and favoriting. This story has been growing slightly in popularity and that makes me so happy because I love this story. Is it weird to love your own story?
Shout-outs:
Theonlykyla: Thank you so much my new reader. I'm sorry I haven't replied to your reviews but I want you to know how much they meant to me. As a writer my one goal and truest happiness comes from making my readers feel and it looks like I did that for you. Thank you.
Elbowroom: I am glad I can keep the story alive for you in a way you enjoy. I love the Twilight universe so much and while I am doing things to the characters Stephenie probably wouldn't like it is my hope that I still do them justice.
TDTifan: *Glad* I could make you cry too. You know what I mean right? It's one of the biggest compliments I can get. I think/hope this chapter will make you happy.
Marajade30: Hi Mara! Thanks so much for being such a faithful reader and reviewer. As I think I've said before it's people like you who keep me going especially during my emo times.
Ace1219: Thanks so much for reviewing and I'm glad you like it.
RubyLou: I agree with you about the dynamic being interesting. I've been thinking about it a lot because of the article I am working on. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Ktsgran: I agree. Losing one's virginity does not make you a woman but I think Bella is too young to understand that right now. And I'm sorry I took so long with this. I hope you find it worth the wait.
Irishtwimom: Hope you enjoy your visit from Edward! ;) I'm jealous, lol. I delved into Edward's past in this chapter. It isn't pretty but I hope you like it.
Brokentragedy2: THANK YOU! I don't have time right now to post your art but I promise I will when I get home. You are, as always, so awesome and another person that keeps me going.
Belladonnacullen: I am SO happy about you continuing Edward and Bella's story! From one writer to another you are so talented and I feel honored that you like my work.
Alliesmom07: I missed you too! And I'm sorry this took so long. Hope you like it.
Bammers, cshorte, yankeerose: Thank you for being such faithful readers. I really appreciate it.
Okay, that got long! I really do need to go. This chapter has disturbing subject matter and some lemony type stuff. Just a warning.
Please review?
I heard the sound first. It was a Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! sound that could have been mistaken by the ears of any human to be the sound of someone working on their house or in their yard. But I was no human. I could hear the thud of the metal hitting soft flesh and then cracking the bone beneath it. I could hear the cry of her voice as her feeble brain tried to understand what was happening to her. I could see in the dimming of her mind the image of her husband standing over her as he raised the coal shovel one last time.
I'd been in a nearby park contemplating the merits of an animal diet whilst I watched the rats skitter about eyeing me warily in the process. The man who'd cursed me to this 'life', the one who claimed to love me as his own, was somehow able to resist the cravings of our kind, the craving for blood. So much so that he actually chose to work with it, to surround himself with sick and dying people. The word 'compassion' got tossed around a lot when it came to describing Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I think that compassion blinded him to the truth of what we are. Why else would he condemn a 17 year old boy to this mockery of existence?
He couldn't possibly understand what it was like for me. He'd never once taken a human life. Not in his three hundred plus years. No. Carlisle had it easy. Fed from a herd of deer and that was all it took. While I, on the other hand, struggled constantly. I woke hungry, but with a hunger unlike any I'd ever felt before. And I knew. I knew. I wasn't supposed to be alive. I was dying. I had been dying and I'd made peace with it. I would be with my God and with the people I loved. But now I would never be allowed that heaven. Not ever.
He took me from my home, from the only sense of peace I had left, from everything I'd ever known or understood to be true. He tried to be kind. Tried to coax and cajole me as one would a temperamental child which I suppose is what I was. But mortal children did not wish to massacre every living thing in a twenty-mile radius. Mortal children did not need their parents to hold them down for days on end while they snapped and hissed and spit and howled like a wild thing.
No. I was no child. My innocence was long gone and had since been replaced with anger and the bitter knowledge of the human mind. For it wasn't bad enough that my heart no longer beat or that my flesh held no warmth. It wasn't bad enough that I was cursed to walk this Earth forever and be denied the glory of Heaven. The Lord God in his infinite jest bestowed upon me the ability to peer into the minds of others and hear their thoughts. Every last little degrading, tawdry, tedious, boring thought.
It was like a freight train at first. Barreling through my head at full speed, every seat taken by a screaming child, and all of it magnified right in your ear. It was deafening, overwhelming, and did not engender me in the slightest to the concept of not killing them. I wanted nothing more than to silence every single one of those teeming voices.
It was that particular talent I was using now, here in Chicago, to justify a means to an end. I needed to eat. And they needed to die. They, being people like Mr. Marshall, who was currently beating his wife to death with a coal shovel. It didn't take me long to get there but I had to hang back. Otherwise the scent of Mrs. Marshall's blood would have sent me into a frenzy and I seemed to have enough self-preservation in me to know that being found gorging on the residents of this small neighborhood would be a very bad thing.
So I waited. I waited until the life ebbed out of her. Mr. Marshall went to fix himself a drink, taking a long pull from the unmarked bottle of whisky. I wanted to punish him, to beat him with the very shovel he used to end the life of the woman who vowed before God to love and to cherish him till death forced them to part. But I couldn't. I couldn't risk the scrutiny of the local police despite them having their hands full already with bootleggers and gangsters.
So I resisted the urge to punish him in the brutal manner he so richly deserved. I did, however, make sure he saw me coming. I let him see the swirling blood red of my eyes. I let my venom drip off my razor sharp teeth like some sort of wild animal salivating at its kill. I let him hear my chest rumble right before my killing strike. And I was not neat. I tore into him with relish. There would be no bite marks because his neck would be torn to shreds and there would be no evidence because I set his home ablaze when I was finished with my feast.
It was easy. So easy to be a killer back then. I was a monster among madmen. Any given week would have just as many deaths by gunshot alone as there were days in that week. Not to mention the hit and run car accidents. Do you want to know what they called those? Vampire automobiles. The first time I read that in a paper I wasn't sure if I should laugh or applaud them for their perception.
Husbands killed wives. Wives killed husbands; there were brawls over liquor and wagers that often led to guns waving in the air and then threats being made good on. The worst of male posturing left to flourish and grow in the wake of the Depression and Prohibition. Women were left for dead with cords tied around their throats and babies were fed poison by their own mothers.
It was those types of crimes that most caught my attention. Not the men gunning each other down or killing each other in the streets. It was the children. They were supposed to be innocent. Pure. Happy. Everything I could never be. I could hear them too. When they were curled safe and sound in their mother's wombs. They didn't have words like you or I to convey what they were thinking but the panic they felt when light seeped into the place they knew as home for the very first time, followed by the sharp sting of their life protecting fluid leaking away, was overwhelming and undeniable. These men, these so-called doctors, suffered the worst of my anger. I felt no guilt in snuffing out their lives, pulling them apart like one would a spider or a fly.
History will tell you that the Great Depression began in October of 1929, but I can tell you it started before then. Infants were tossed away like garbage into toilets or wrapped in aprons with kerchiefs stuck in their mouths and handed out with garbage because they were another mouth to feed, a mouth no one could afford to feed.
Sometimes whole families committed suicide to escape the despair surrounding them. As jobs were lost and food grew scarce, death became the better option. I found one such family under a rail road pass. They'd killed their baby and then each other. They looked so peaceful, curled towards each other even in death. I envied them.
"Do you still think I'm not a monster, Bella?"
BPOV
I stood staring at him for a moment, desperately wishing for once that he had Jasper's ability so that he could feel what I was feeling. I felt sorrow, and pity, and remorse, and surprisingly, I felt respect for him. He didn't realize it but he had just proven the point I've been trying to drive home since he revealed his secret to me. It was exactly this that made him NOT a monster. He lived through all of that pain and suffering and came out of it a better person. He not only looked into the abyss, he fell into it, and then he rose above it choosing his morals over his nature and he won.
I didn't think there were any words at this moment that could make him believe what I was feeling so I did the only thing I could think of. I stepped towards him and kissed him. It wasn't a passionate kiss. But it was a full on, embracing kiss that said I love you. I love you and I'm never letting go. I held his face in my hands trying to pour everything I was feeling into him and he just stood there dumbfounded. Clearly this was not the reaction he was expecting. I pulled away. My eyes were alight with unshed tears and I still held his face firmly in my small hands. I stared into his eyes willing him to understand and to not defy me.
We were still standing in the downstairs hallway, but the moment realization flitted across his face he flew us upstairs to my room and finally returned my kiss. And this time it did become passionate. An ever growing emotion between us, as though our bodies were trying to convey what our words could not.
"You don't think I'm a monster, do you?" He whispered in between kisses.
It was a rhetorical question. I could tell because his voice was filled with awe when he said it.
It was his turn to cradle my face in his hands, and I let him touch me and hold me however he needed to in that moment. I gave myself over to the sensations instead of overanalyzing them.
"Let me make love to you, Bella. Please." He begged in another whisper.
My knees went weak and my womb flared. How many times had I wanted to hear those words? As badly as I wanted it I couldn't let that happen yet for so many reasons. We still had much more to talk about. And I still wasn't convinced that he wouldn't leave again. And deep down I was still insecure, still worried that I wouldn't be good enough for him in that department, that maybe if I shared that with him he'd be so disappointed that he would no longer want to be with me. I couldn't handle that kind of rejection from him. I pushed him away gently, only succeeding in releasing his lips from mine.
"Not yet." I said as kindly as I could. "I'm sorry."
He kissed me a few more times and then crumpled into my computer chair pulling me into his lap.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you."
"You didn't. It's okay." I raised his chin with my fingers so he would look at me. He had been honest with me. I needed to be honest with him.
"When you left, I resigned myself to thinking that I would never know what it would be like to be with someone. I knew that I never wanted to be with anyone besides you." I paused. "You're going to think it's ridiculous, but I can't tell you how many times I actually apologized to it," I motioned to my pelvic area, "for ruining everything, for not being good enough. So now, when you touch me, when you tell me you want me, I get scared. Scared that you'll leave again, scared that I'll disappoint you. I need to be sure before I give you that part of myself."
He placed his hand just below my stomach and apologized.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, looking down at where his hand rested.
I couldn't help but giggle. "Are you apologizing to me or to it?" I asked.
"Both?" he questioned, uncertain.
My first reaction was to laugh, and I did smile but then I quickly sobered when I remembered the other burning question I had, the one I had been truly dreading.
But my kind…we're very easily distracted.
I stiffened at the memory.
"Bella, what?" he asked, sensing my distress.
I got off his lap and sat on the edge of the bed. I heard a low rumble from Edward, not quite a growl but certainly not human. I assumed my silent mind was once again driving him mad and I found myself wishing that at this particular moment he could read my mind since that would be so much easier than having to say the words out loud. Instead I said the only thing I could think of that might answer my question without me actually having to ask it.
"Where were you while you were gone?"
I couldn't even look at him, and I could feel my heart racing with panic in anticipation of his answer. Had he gone to Tanya? I'd never seen her but I had no doubt that she was as beautiful as the rest of them. And I did know that most of the family had gone to Alaska which is where she was. And even if it wasn't her there are a myriad of other women who would willingly fall into his bed. If he had one I reminded myself, but I knew such a small detail wouldn't matter to whichever lover he chose.
"What does that have to do with what we were talking about?"
I felt anger flare in me. It was an emotion that ebbed and flowed within me with each peeled layer of our relationship, an onion skin of love and hurt. He was smart. Smarter than most people. Why couldn't he connect the dots? Why did he have to make me say it? He wanted me to say it? Fine. I would say it.
"My kind are very easily distracted…" I sneered.
"Oh God, Bella, no!" He was suddenly kneeling in front of me clasping my hands in his. "Bella look at me." He pleaded.
"Never Bella, never. I belong only to you. I've no desire to share myself with anyone else, to be with anyone else. You are the only person who has ever inspired such thoughts in me."
"I only want you Bella."
"Then where were you?" I pressed because I really did want to know.
"I went after Victoria, tried to track her." He looked sheepish. "Turns out I'm not very good at tracking. I knew she wouldn't just let James' death slide so I tried to find her. But I failed even at that."
He looked down at our joined hands.
"Edward, it's okay. It's not your job to look after me." I squeezed his hands and pulled one of mine free to run it through his hair.
"But I want to Bella." He replied, looking up at me, still on his knees in front of me. "I should be able to protect you but I seem to fail at every turn. It makes me feel…impotent."
I couldn't help smirking at that. I leaned down and whispered, "Somehow Edward, I highly doubt you are impotent."
He paused for a moment, confused by the sudden change in direction and feel of the conversation but quickly recovered. He growled a low rumbling growl as he stalked up my body and leaned in, placing his hands on either side of me on the bed, and his lip's centimeters from mine.
Though a barely there touch was apparently the farthest thing from his mind because he pulled me flush against him so there was no mistaking exactly how not impotent he was at the moment. It nearly undid me. We were perfectly lined up and I was suddenly throbbing in response to feeling him like that, so much so that I actually collapsed back onto the bed, heaving deep breaths.
I didn't dare move. I lay there with my eyes closed and every fiber of my being focused on that one spot between my legs which was currently hypersensitive despite two layers of jeans and our respective undergarments separating us. I just breathed and felt and breathed and felt while he did the same. His hands gripped my hips tightly and I knew that even against my better judgment I was currently at his mercy. He could ask almost anything of me and I'd give it.
"Damn it." I heard him whisper.
"What?" It came out as a sigh.
"Your father's home."
Was my Father developing a sixth sense for when my virginity was in jeopardy? I still couldn't entirely bring myself to care. I didn't budge but merely moaned in frustration.
Edward chuckled and started to pull away and I squeezed my legs indicating I didn't want him to.
"No." I muttered petulantly.
"Bella." He laughed. "I have to go."
I tried to ignore the way my brain wanted to twist those words into the worst imaginable meaning and finally opened my eyes as Edward pulled me up to face him.
"I'll be back in a little bit, I promise." He seemed to understand the fear I was trying to hide. "I'm going to feed. And you should do the same." He teased.
In a softer tone he added, "I love you Bella. I'll be here waiting for you when you come to bed."
I kissed him and then asked, "This might sound stupid Edward, but let me leave the room first?"
He looked sad but he smiled. "Of course." He replied, cupping my cheek gently.
We kissed once more and then I left to go downstairs and greet my Father.
I made it to the bottom of the stairs just as Charlie walked in the door.
"Hey Bells. How's things?"
"Good Dad." I tried to hide my flushed face by brushing past him towards the kitchen. "Sorry I haven't started supper yet. Want anything particular?"
"No problem Bells. Whatever you feel like is fine."
Some people might think it's odd that I cook for him, might perceive it as me being a weak woman falling into a stereotypical role, but I actually like cooking. I find it relaxing and I'm good at it so why not do it?
I roamed about the kitchen peeking into the pantry and fridge and cupboards. I had to suppress a chuckle when a funny thought popped into my head. Watch me hunt, I thought to myself wishing Edward could hear me. I found myself wishing that more and more these days. How much easier it would make things if he could just pluck thoughts from my head. Communication was hard, especially between two people who led fairly secluded lives, one out of necessity and the other because of feeling separate from everyone else, different. Not better than others, I wasn't that conceited, but like I didn't belong. Like I was meant for something else, and I was pretty sure that something else resided in a certain sparkling vampire despite whatever problems we were going through.
I found myself wishing I had someone I could confide in, someone impartial and yet privy to all the facts. That in turn made me think of Jacob. I felt so guilty for lying to him even if it was only by omission. He was my best friend, the only one that really stuck by me during the worst times of my life. I didn't fault Angela for her distance from me during that time, but I did have to give Jacob credit for being so persistent in helping me.
I decided right then and there, with my head stuck in the fridge that I was going to ask Edward if I could tell Jacob. I knew it was a long shot but I also knew I couldn't betray his confidence. What he was wasn't my secret to tell, but maybe if he knew how it was eating at me he'd consider it. It was a big secret, incredible, unbelievable and dangerous but I felt confident that it was a secret Jacob could keep. Otherwise, I would never even consider telling him.
"Pasta okay, Dad?" I yelled out to him. I didn't have to look to know he was already settled in his recliner. I could hear the clicking of the tv channels as he scanned for something to watch.
"Sure Bells." He replied.
I felt bad because pasta always seemed like such a copout but I had a couple of tricks for jazzing up jarred sauce. I pulled out some garlic, onion and peppers and began to chop them up while my thoughts drifted back over the events of the day.
There was still so much to process and learn. Where had Sam been? Why is everyone being so mysterious about the whole thing? Would the shaman tell anyone about Edward? No, she couldn't, could she? I mean, who would believe her, right? I hoped I was right about that.
Would Jacob forgive me, especially if I couldn't tell him about Edward? And if I had to continue to keep Edward's secret what would I tell Jacob? That Edward was hiding out in his old house unsupervised? Certainly not. But I couldn't lie either. I was in a rock and a hard place and I didn't like it.
I realized in that moment that the easiest solution would be for Edward's family to come back. That would really be the only way all of this could even begin to be explained in a way that wouldn't send tongues wagging. I was terrified of them coming back but it had to be done and soon. I added that to the mental list of things to talk to Edward about later on.
"God, that smells good Bella." Said Charlie as he snuck into the kitchen nearly scaring me out of my socks. "How long till it's ready?"
"Mm…15 minutes?"
"Can't wait." He smiled.
"So how was your day?" I asked him.
"Well, I talked to Sam." He said, while pulling out a chair to sit at the table.
"Really?" I spun round staring at him in surprise.
"Yep." Charlie ran his hand over his face, a motion he often made when he was feeling tired. "He called me at the station. Told me he'd gone camping, but he wouldn't say much more than that. I still don't know what to believe but there's not much else I can do. I reprimanded him for going off like that without telling anyone, made him promise not to do it again. I don't like the idea of anyone camping in the woods alone. It's not safe."
If he only knew, I thought.
"So is he home? Where's he staying?" My questions were rushed and impatient.
"Yeah, he's home. Talked to his Dad who said everything is fine. I couldn't argue with that. Man's his father. Not my business anymore."
"Hm." I mumbled and turned back to the food.
I was still dying to know what had really happened but I had to face the fact that I may never know. Secrets seemed to abound in this small wet town and it would be egotistical of me to think I had a right to any of them.
Supper turned out well and we made small talk about school and work and my new job at Newton's. Charlie did ask me how my day with Jacob went and it took a lot of willpower to try and hide the turmoil I was feeling about it. I mumbled a noncommittal response and proceeded to clear the plates as a distraction.
I finished up the last of my homework while sitting at the kitchen table while Charlie watched a game in the other room. Six months ago I would have wondered if this would be the last time I'd be sitting like this in the presence of my Father. I had been so eager to end my human life without a second thought as to how it would affect him or any other part of my life. It would be easier if I hated him but I didn't. I had no reason to. I knew that if Edward and I did resume the path our lives had previously been on that I wouldn't want to wait too long before changing, but I was also no longer in a rush. I would need to put some serious thought into it. Would I tell my parents I was going away indefinitely? Was there any way I could keep them in my life? Or would I have to fake my own death? The thought of putting them through that made my chest tighten. How could I do that to them? But I knew in the end that may be the only sensible option. So much to think about.
My mind weighed heavily with these thoughts as I trudged upstairs for my nightly ritual of a bath. Well, normally it was a shower but tonight I wanted a bath. I wanted a nice long soak in nearly scalding water to work away the knots that had built up in my muscles. I stopped in my room briefly to grab my pajamas and my small am/fm radio. I figured if I was going to go through the trouble of a bath I might as well thoroughly enjoy it.
I filled the tub adding a couple of drops of rose oil and even lit one of the decorative candles. Classical music coursed over me as I immersed myself in the sweet-scented water. I lay there letting my mind empty and my thoughts clear of all stressful topics, choosing instead to allow the more pleasant ones to flow in. As I listened to the music I thought about Edward playing the piano and realized that I had missed that. It was one of the many things I hadn't allowed myself to think about in his absence which led me to another thought that nearly made me want to smack myself for not thinking of it before. What had he done with all of our things? The photos and music and all the little mementos? I added that to the list of questions.
I wondered if he was in my bedroom yet. I tried to imagine what he would be doing. Did he ever snoop around my things? Would he stand by the window deep in thought? Sit at my desk staring at my ancient computer shaking his head? Or was he already in my bed?
That thought only brought more questions. Above the sheets or under? Clothed or not clothed? Did he even own pajamas? What kind would he wear if he did? Flannel? Silk? More tiny pieces that made up the puzzle that was Edward Cullen.
I thought about the conversations we'd had today. Him finally opening up to me about his past warmed me to him, which I'm sure was quite opposite from the reaction he was expecting. I thought about him begging me to let him make love to me and I felt a warmth spread through me that had nothing to do with the water. I let my hands roam my body, exploring the curves and dips, and wondered if he would find my form pleasing. Was I too skinny? Was my chest too small? What was I like 'down there'? I'd hardly ever touched myself there nor had I ever looked at it. Was it ugly? Did it smell bad?
I tentatively explored myself with my left hand, not for sexual purposes but just to see what it felt like. I ran my fingers lightly along each fold. The soft curls that bordered the edges tickled my fingers as I did so. I dipped a finger just a tiny bit inside not daring to venture far at all because it somehow seemed wrong to me, like it wasn't my place to do that. Still, I could feel a silkiness there that differed from the now cooling water. I ran my finger up to the one part of my anatomy that I did know well despite having ignored it for the past six months and I couldn't help my sharp intake of breath when I made contact. It had been a dead thing while Edward was gone but it suddenly seemed to have burst to life in his presence as though it knew the potential for intimacy had returned. I moved my finger a few more times, allowing myself to enjoy the sensations it stirred in me. My head lolled to the side and I closed my eyes.
EPOV
What in heaven's name is she doing in there? I thought to myself. But I wasn't stupid. I knew. Half of me was elated that she was beginning to feel comfortable enough to do such a thing and half of me felt frustrated and a flicker of unwarranted anger at not being able to just go in there and make her mine. I wasn't angry at her. I was briefly angry at Charlie for being home but mostly I was angry at myself for putting us in this situation. Had I not left perhaps I would have made love to her by now and we wouldn't have to be tip toeing through a minefield of emotional bombs. But no. Realistically I knew that had I never left I would still be pushing her away. I would still be trying to protect her at every turn because of believing her to be so fragile.
I was distracted from my musing when I heard the water draining from the tub. I imagined her standing there wet and glorious. I wanted so badly to touch her and worship her, I wanted so badly for her to let me touch and worship her. I wanted to acquaint myself with her body in ways I had never before allowed myself to. I decided I couldn't wait. I stood and opened her bedroom door carefully so as not to rouse Charlie. I listened for the whisper of fabric on skin that would indicate she had wrapped a towel around her, and then I waited no more.
My brain raced thinking of a way to enter the bathroom without surprising her and causing her to cry out and I got an idea when my eyes fell on her notebook. I quickly tore a page out and scribbled a note on it asking her to open the door. I slid it under the bathroom door making sure to rustle it as much as possible so she would notice it and moments later she opened the door a sliver. She had a somewhat put out look on her face as she tried to hide her body behind the door.
"Bella, love, open the door." I whispered while brushing my fingers across her cheek.
"I'm not dressed yet." She whispered back.
"I know." I replied with my signature grin.
She huffed and rolled her eyes. "Edward, I thought we already talked about this."
"We did and that's not what I'm asking." I nudged the door with my foot opening it a tiny bit wider.
"Then what are you asking?"
"Well, first I'm asking you to open the door." She finally acquiesced and opened it just enough for me to slip inside.
She stood there in a flimsy white towel. Her hair was pulled up in a loose bun and her skin was mostly dry. She was, as always, beautiful.
"Sooo…?" she asked.
I smiled at her impatience.
"I wanted to stop you from getting dressed." I said it very matter of factly. No lasciviousness, no teasing, no implications. I wasn't after sex. She seemed to sense this.
"Why?" she asked, genuinely curious.
I want you to come to bed like this, in the towel. I want to touch you." She began to protest. "Not like that Bella, I swear. Please just trust me…and indulge me. It's my way of asking you questions."
She giggled. "You're going to ask me questions by touching me?"
"I'm going to get to know you by touching you." I replied seriously.
She blushed slightly and her heartbeat picked up. She thought for a moment and then answered me.
"Okay." It came out the merest of whispers.
"Okay." I repeated and leaned down to kiss her.
She quickly thrust her hand over her mouth and mumbled underneath it. "Still need human minute."
I chuckled. "Alright." I took her pajamas with me when I left.
I sat in her room nervous. I had never done anything like this before. I had a wealth of knowledge from decades of mind reading but that wasn't the same as doing. Still, I hoped that that knowledge would at the very least keep me from behaving like a fumbling teenager. And, of course, I did have to be careful. Bella may not be as fragile as I had once led myself to believe but I was still strong. Exceptionally strong, and it had taken years of practice to do simple things like turn a door knob or sit without breaking chairs. I went through more than one piano in my early years.
I pulled her sheets to the very end of the bed and turned off the overhead light opting instead for the bedside lamp. I kept my clothes on except for my shoes. I wanted to make her as comfortable as possible and free her from any notions of a hidden agenda in this. I floundered at what state I should be in when she came in. Should I sit on the bed? Stand somewhere? Lie down? In the end I decided on sitting in the rocking chair. She came in and shut the door softly behind her and stood there awkwardly shifting her feet.
BPOV
Edward sat in my rocking chair still fully clothed except for his shoes. I breathed a sigh of relief internally. It's not that I didn't want him but I'd meant what I said earlier about not being ready yet. That aside I was completely clueless as to what was about to happen. My inexperience weighed heavily on me and I shifted uncomfortably. He stood and was in front of me in a flash.
"Bella." He whispered reverently as he cupped my face in his hands and leaned down to kiss me. It was slow and soft and only tinged with a hint of passion, nothing overwhelming or intimidating.
"Lie down." He instructed, pointing at the bed.
I complied. I was stiff as a board and clutched my towel tightly to me, my eyes trained on the ceiling.
"Bella, relax."
I felt the bed dip as he sat down next to me. I looked at him for reassurance.
He smiled gently. "Close your eyes, love."
I did as he said.
"Now breathe."
I let out a long breath I hadn't even realized I'd been holding.
"Good. Again."
I took in a few more and thought back to when I was taking my bath and how relaxed I had felt then. It worked. I loosened my death grip on the towel and settled into the mattress. I felt the bed shift again but this time I kept my eyes closed and just concentrated on my breathing.
"I still have questions Edward." I whispered.
"They can wait." His cool breath washed over my neck and he placed a kiss at the pulse point just below my ear. Cheater I thought. But I couldn't help the sigh that escaped me or how my body relaxed further at that one simple touch. I let my hands drift to my sides.
He kissed his way along the underside of my chin and then made his way to my lips and this time I gave into it and kissed him back. We were both breathing a bit heavier when he pulled back.
"Beautiful Bella." He said while cradling my face and running his thumbs over my lips. His hands made their way through my hair and round to the back of my neck and to my shoulders. It was a simple and soft caress.
He continued down my left arm using both of his hands to massage my muscles. Oh. That's what this is.
When he got to the palm of my hand, he used his thumbs, making small delicate circles which caused a very surprising reaction in me.
EPOV
I ran the pads of my thumbs around the flesh of her palm in a barely there touch and as soon as I did so I heard her take in a sharp breath. A moment later I caught a subtle hint of her woman scent floating through the air and I stored this information away for another time. I kissed the palm of her hand tenderly, and ever the masochist I kissed the inside of her wrist as well savoring the strong pulse that beat there. After paying equal attention to her other arm I moved down the bed to her feet.
BPOV
When he finished with my arms, I felt him slide to the end of the bed and take my right foot in his hands. I had a moment of self-consciousness but dispelled it quickly as he massaged me firmly yet gently.
He moved his hands to the undersides of my calves when he had finished with my feet and ran his hands gently up them shifting to the top of my legs when he reached my thighs. I stiffened slightly when he began kneading the flesh there and working his way up.
"Relax Bella. Trust me."
I did trust him, at least with this and in this moment. So I took a deep breath and let him continue.
EPOV
I could feel the heat emanating from her and I hoped I could be true to my words and keep myself from touching her there. I let my hands slide close though, my thumbs running up the insides of her thighs and just under the towel which was rather short. That brought me very close to her, but somehow I managed to control myself despite the fact that her legs shifted slightly open as I touched her, a move I was sure she was unaware of. Or maybe she was aware of it. Her head rolled to the side and her arm came to rest next to it. She sighed as I let my fingers follow the path my thumbs had on the inside of her thighs and I caught more of her scent, much stronger this time.
Her body rose and fell in a single wave of what could only have been pleasure and I pulled my fingers back down towards her knees in an effort to rein us in.
"Again." She pleaded in a whispered breath.
I began to do as she asked and then stopped myself midway.
"Bella…I won't be able to stop." I warned her. My voice came out anguished because I had promised her and I was so easily coming undone.
"Please…."
But she couldn't wait for an answer it seemed because her left hand slid down her torso and disappeared under the towel and I knew at once she was doing the same thing she had been in the bathroom. Her body bloomed in a sweet pink flush and the air blossomed with the smell of roses and musk.
I ran my fingers back up the insides of her thighs and her legs parted for me. Not enough to see anything but enough to know she was giving her permission. Her hand was moving in languidly and her index finger was hidden by the towel. I moved my thumbs to her center caressing her gently and doing everything in my power to keep myself in check. This needed to be about her and dictated by her. She gasped at my touch and her back arched up off of the bed.
I continued to run my fingers through her silk coating them with her essence and teasing her entrance. He speed had picked up and she was writhing beneath me. I knew what her body wanted but I swore that I would wait until she was ready.
"Oh God…Edward, please…"
Please what? What was she asking for?
I almost didn't care because the woman I loved, and would love for eternity, was lying wanton beneath me and I had never felt more electrified by her than I did in that moment.
"Please…" she whispered again.
I leaned down over her, resting on one arm while my other hand continued to pleasure her. I was drunk and intoxicated by the sights and sounds beneath me and I desperately wanted to watch her climax.
I nudged her finger out of the way and took over and she immediately grabbed onto me and buried her face in my shoulder. She was seconds away and a surge of pride and confidence swelled in me knowing that I could affect her so.
"Yes." I whispered into her ear and that was all it took. She exploded beneath me and wrapped her legs around me seeking purchase. I swallowed her cries with a kiss and cradled her to me until she stilled.
"I'm sorry, Edward." She said when she finally pulled away.
"For what?" I nearly laughed.
"We weren't supposed to do that. I let my stupid human hormones take over."
There was an edge to her voice I didn't like.
"Hey." I said softly, cupping her chin so she would look at me. "Your hormones are not stupid. You are not stupid and I am so sorry I ever made you feel that way. All that time I made you feel so unwanted and really it was because I was trying to mask my own desire for you. I never gave a single thought as to how it would make you feel. I'm truly sorry."
"Please forgive me Bella. I rather like your human hormones." I admitted with a sly smile.
She smiled back. "I'll forgive you on one condition."
"Name it."
"Will you finish the massage? Maybe on my back? It did feel good."
How could I refuse her? I kissed her once sweetly and then she turned to lay on her stomach.
I steered clear of her legs this time and instead focused on her shoulders and neck. She was already relaxed so it was more about touching her and getting to know her body. Her skin was so soft and she was so tiny. She reminded me of a delicate bird and I wondered if she would ever take flight.
I worked down her back following the curve of her spine and without me even asking she loosened her towel and lowered it so I could reach more of her. I could see the small swell of her breasts pressed into the mattress and I groaned inwardly remembering what they had looked like in the firelight that night in the woods. I wanted to touch them and kiss them and worship her the way she so richly deserved, but that would have to wait.
It didn't take long before I heard Bella's breathing shift from peaceful wakefulness to peaceful sleep and I marveled at this gift she had given me. Not even counting our momentary lapse of reason this had been a wonderful experience for me. I felt honored that she had allowed me to explore her and I did feel that I knew her a bit better now and had a better understanding of what she might like when we were more fully together.
I shut off the light and crawled into bed next to her, raising the blankets to cover us both. Occasionally I would toy with a lock of her hair or run a finger along the skin of her back, but mostly I just watched her breathe and thanked whatever God there was for this second chance.