And on it goes…
THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 3
Setting: Hanso is recounting the tale of what occurred during his "visit" to Xandra's house.
Hanso: I had my hands full there for a while, but eventually I made it out of Xandra's house, no worse for wear.
Brynn: Wow, how did you manage that? :/
Hanso: Xandra's aim sucks.
Xandra: YOU DIRTY PIECE OF—
Hanso: Since Xandra had seen me, I had to unload the goods in a hurry, so I had a colleague of mine spread it around that I had some magical artifacts for sale.
Xandra: My magical artifacts!
Hanso: Hey, you weren't doing anything useful with them. Yeah, so, the buyer wanted to meet in Faerieland, which seemed strange, but I don't ask questions—I just give my customers what they want.
Brynn: Why do I get the feeling that your customer was—
Hanso: HUBRID FRIKIN' NOX. He was only interested in one particular item, though. Afterwards I decided to tail him to see what he was up to.
Brynn: Oh, let me guess this next part. Chant chanty-chant-chant chantarum?
Hubrid: No, silly, it was chant chanty chant-chant chantificus chantarum! Mwahahaha!
Everyone: …
Hanso: Um, yeah…*cough*…so anyway, there was that huge flash of light. When I woke up, Nox was long gone.
Jazan: You fail at life.
Hanso: I'm not the one wearing makeup.
Jazan: It's GUYliner and women find it f*cking SEXY.
Hanso: Psh, I've already got my own little legion of fangirls.
Brynn: GUYS! Cut the crap. Hanso, you dumb oaf, how could you let yourself get tangled up with Nox?
Xandra: He's a criminal! Of course he would consort with other unsavory characters. Are you forgetting that he *stole* from me?
Brynn: I trust him…sometimes against my own better judgment.
Hanso: Oh yeah? That's why you locked me up, huh? :|
Brynn: You know what I mean!
Xandra: Of course you trust him.
Hanso: Yeah, she totally wants me.
Altador: I, too, am inclined to believe this Ixi's story.
Hanso: Because I'm a f*ckin' SAINT!
Altador: …yeah. We should focus on finding Nox and retrieving this artifact before he can cause more mayhem with it.
Hanso: BRILLIANT…where do we start? ._.
Altador: Xandra, do you remember what the artifact Hanso stole looks like?
Xandra: I don't know. He stole several items from me that day, so how am I supposed to know which one he sold to—
Hanso: It was this one! *holds up a poorly drawn picture of him holding the artifact with a butthurt Xandra in the background*
Xandra: I look nothing like that!
Hanso: I beg to differ…lol butthurt.
(Scene changes to them walking through uber scary trees 'n stuff on the way to Nox's crib. Two guards are following closely behind Hanso.)
Trees: OOOOH we have mouths, we're so scaryyyyyy!
Gilly (from ToW): HEEYA—*shovel attack*
Hanso: Are these guards really necessary, sweetheart?
Brynn: At least I convinced them not to tie you up…
Hanso: Ah, so you like me tied up too, huh? Kinky.
Brynn: Hanso, shut your whore mouth. And don't call me 'sweetheart.'
Hanso: Sweet cheeks?
Brynn: Only if you want a face full of my foot.
Hanso: Baby cakes?
Brynn: Try it and see what happens.
Hanso: Brynny-bear?
Brynn: No.
Hanso: Butter face?
Brynn: N—HEY WAIT A SECOND, HANSO YOU LITTLE—
Old Ogrin Dude (henceforth OOD): I'm glad I decided to come along! The old blood needs some excitement once in a while.
Xandra: Careful not to get a heart attack and die, old man. I'm not carrying your corpse back.
OOD: Bah, young people. What's our plan of attack? We should confer with this Nox, if we can…
Jazan: Confer? What the f...are you crazy, old man? I'm poppin' a cap in his ass, gangster-style!
Hanso: *whines* Are we there yet?
Brynn: No.
Hanso: Are we there yet?
Xandra: No!
Hanso: Are we there yet? :/
Jazan: No, you little twerp.
Hanso: Are we there yeeeeet?
Altador: We're here.
Hanso: Oh. That was fast.
*DUN DUN DUNNNNN NOX'S FORTRESS*
Altador: This is Nox's lair, enemy ground—
Everyone: We know.
Altador: …we must all be on our guard—
Everyone: We know.
Altador: There's no telling what sort of magical treachery is afoot.
Everyone: WE KNOW.
Altador: Well gosh, you don't have to yell at me. D:
(Scene changes to them all standing around as Altador prattles on with battle plans…yawn)
Altador: H'okay, so here's Nox's fortress…it's chillin'. Dang, that's a sweet fortress, you might say—
Jazan: ROUND.
Altador: H'all right, you and Xandra will go after the artifact, since she'll recognize it.
Brynn: Where's Hanso?
Guard #1: He's over there!
Guard #2: *just falls over 'cause he's dumb*
Tree in the background: Lol n00b.
Xandra: Aren't we going after him?
Altador: You kidding? He's got about 2600 more nukes than anybody else!
Xandra: What are you even talking about?
Altador: …I mean Nox could appear at any second, and with that artifact, he's a greater threat than usual.
Jazan: Hey, if Nox is blue, what color do you think he'll turn if I choke him?
Altador: Here's a better question. How can you choke someone that doesn't have a neck?
Jazan: …*mindf-cked*
Brynn: *facepalms* I'll go find Hanso…
*Hanso is spotted climbing over one of the walls surrounding Nox's fortress*
Brynn: So that's how the Mexicans keep sneaking in…
Hanso: Of course! No self-respecting thief would ever use the front gates to break in, so I'm going to find my own way.
Brynn: Somehow I don't think that's the best idea…
Hanso: Aww…would you miss me if I left? ;D
Brynn: Hardly.
Hanso: Aw, ouch. :(
Brynn: But it's still dangerous. Nox could be anywhere. If he can turn faeries to stone, who knows what he could do to you?
Hanso: Probably kill me I'd be laughing so hard from how short he is. And that facial hair? Hahahahahaha!
Brynn: This is srs business, Hanso. Don't play like that, bro.
Hanso: I'm a master thief, Brynneth; he'll never even know I'm there.
Brynn: And how do I know you're not going in there to tip him off?
Hanso: Well, if you don't trust me, you could always chain me up again. ;D
Brynn: …*turns in the other direction* -_-
Hanso: That's what I thought. Alley-oop! *hops over the wall*
Jazan: I'm gonna LOL if Hubrid has land mines in his lawn.
Chapter 3, end