As a tribute to dexterZ's awesome review, I used his idea...a bit.
This chapter starts of with some humour, which degrades into some really gloomy shit- sorry, to all the people who hoped poor Harry would get a break, but he's fate's bitch for a reason- but fortunately, it brightens up with typical LightningHunter fashion...yeah, you guessed it jokes.
In response to the whole forgiveness parents things people have been...ranting about, Harry doesn't forgive them- but takes advantage of it. You'll see it in the chapter, and it should give you a good laugh or two. But he won't start screaming for revenge.
I want to show in this fic, Harry gradually maturing. He is mildly arrogant, I guess, that's probably come from being neglected, then learning some powers that people can only dream off, and the fact he got to slam Hayden into a wall. Who wouldn't want the power to slam siblings into walls?
Chapter XI – Starting Hogwarts
"I have a few questions to ask you, Harry, and I will require your answers to be truthful." Dumbledore looked piercingly over his half-moon spectacles at Harry. "Are you in league with Lord Voldemort?"
"...Who?"
"No, not who...You-Know-Who."
"...Are you...feeling okay?" said Harry.
Dumbledore looked more shocked than anyone had ever seen him. "You mean you seriously do not know who Lord Voldemort is?"
"Isn't that French?" said Harry. "Is this guy French?"
"Lord Voldemort is the very Dark Lord who was responsible for what happened to your family, when you and Hayden were but a year old."
Harry thought back. "Oh right, that Lord Voldemort...wonder how I forgot all that?"
"...So, it would appear you are unaware of the link," said Dumbledore, more to himself.
"What link?" said Harry.
"As you know, Lord Voldemort attacked you and your brother, and Hayden stopped him. However, a link was created between Hayden and Lord Voldemort, and as well as that, because of all the remants of Dark magic, a link was formed with you as well. Through this link, Lord Voldemort has been able to sap your power, and-"
"Wait a moment," interrupted Harry. "Isn't this Voldemort dead?"
Dumbledore shook his head sagely. "No. By using Hayden's blood in a ritual, he was able to return. But...when Lord Voldemort returned, his body was nowhere as powerful as it was. Voldemort stated: "I needed the other half for this," and it was when Hayden told me those words, when I realised you were alive."
"I'm the one giving Voldemort power?" said Harry indignant. "Why me and not Hayden?"
"Because Harry, the newspapers are true...Hayden is the Chosen One."
"...You've lost me again."
"I apologise for suspecting you were in league with Voldemort. I am after all, like any other man, and capable of making mistakes. As such, I often tend to make great mistakes. An old man's mistakes Harry-"
Harry yawned. "I'm sorry, I think I may have fallen asleep. You see, I am so bored by this story of yours."
"I've suspected that you had a link as well since you said that you could also speak to snakes when you were a child-"
"What!?" said Harry. "But my parents didn't hear-"
"I may be an old man Harry, but these ears are more than capable at singling out a certain voice." At Harry's disbelieving gaze, Dumbledore continued. "And a well-chosen spell will work wonders."
"So...you say this Voldemort was the one draining power from me..." Harry put two and two together. "So that's who you've been trying to weaken, by weakening me as well."
Dumbledore looked surprised, but Harry scoffed. "You think I'm stupid enough to not notice my magic being affected?"
"When I ran a scan of your mind, I found what appeared to be a link, and sealed it." Dumbledore sighed, before continuing. "However, it turned out, that I only did so by placing a seal over part of your magic, affecting it in many ways. I believe what happens is your magic is co-"
"Converted by my body," continued Harry. "And while my magic reserves refill, that means the converted magic converts back when I try and cast a spell, giving me severe magical overload. That means magical drain when I'm not casting, magical overload when I am."
Dumbledore's eyes widened. "You worked that all out on your own. How did you only get recommended for seven OWLs?"
Harry shrugged. "Schooling system must be crap or something."
Obviously, Harry felt no need to get Sirius in trouble with Dumbledore, but given the man's reckless nature, something told Harry that Sirius might welcome it.
"Anyway Harry, your parents have been urging me to find a way to help your situation, and I am pleased to offer you a mild solution."
Dumbledore offered Harry a necklace, which Harry took, eyeing it strangely. It was golden, intricate runes weaved into it.
"What does it do?" asked Harry.
"Once you start casting spells, the necklace will automatically activate, and begin draining magic," said Dumbledore. "Since your magic reserves are fairly large, then it will be a temporary measure until you start feeling pain. Once you have stopped casting spells, the necklace will give you back magic anyway, to stop that "magic drain, then magic overload"."
"And that's it?" said Harry. "Nothing else?"
"That is it."
Harry still eyed the necklace suspiciously, but slipped it on. "This is only a temporary measure, you know. Why can't you just remove the seal?"
"I believe I told you. It weakens Voldemort. Death Eater attacks have decreased rapidly, but-"
"Still, this necklace, how long will it work?" challenged Harry. "At least I'll be at my full power."
Dumbledore looked visibly angered. "I acknowledge this is a great burden, but you must also understand, that this is a case of the greater-"
"I'm just a teenager," argued Harry. "Why is my pain so unimportant? If a person constantly has magical overload, that's not a particularly safe thing. Hell, it can mean death!"
"But many deaths have been saved already Harry, and we are still working on ways to not have your magic also affected-"
"Then put up a seal when you've found a way to stop my magic getting affected!"
Dumbledore was bristling with anger. "Mr Potter, I suggest you stop being so childish."
"I'm childish?" said Harry though gritted teeth. "You should be the ones capable of repelling attacks and saving people! Solve your own damn problems; don't drag me into it-!"
"Good day Mr Potter, I look forward to seeing you at Hogwarts," said Dumbledore coldly, heading for the door.
"You'll go when I can say you can, old man!" roared Harry, and his pent-up anger was unleashed a second time.
But this time, its victim would be an old wizard, rather than a wall.
Harry's battle-staff shot out from its hiding place, un-shrinking. Harry leapt up from his bed, catching the staff with ease and advanced on Dumbledore as a predator hunts.
Dumbledore however, span around much faster than an old man should be capable of. He cast a quick spell, and Harry fell to his knees, no visible wound or even injury, but pain erupting across his torso, as if he had been slashed with a sword.
Harry suddenly looked to where his staff had fallen, and to his shock, he saw that it had been neatly severed at the middle.
"I am sorry I had to resort to that Harry, but I must inform you that I will accurately respond to any attacks on my person," said Dumbledore. "Indeed, you have only proved to me you would be incapable of controlling your magic if it was unsealed."
Dumbledore turned away, heading for the door a second time.
Harry's eyes were still locked on the severed pieces of his staff. Gifted to him by Master Kain when he was eight...eight years that staff had been his trusted companion, his prized magical foci...
And another wave of anger rushed over Harry, and his vision tinted red.
And even Dumbledore, a man who had rarely ever felt fear, could not help but shudder as he turned.
Harry looked a twisted, broken figure. His fingers were curled up, but not forming fists. His jet-black hair fell across his face, emphasising the dark circles around his eyes. The red aura of anger was even causing his bandana to blow in an invisible wind. And Harry stood in a half-crouch, half-stoop.
The teen lunged forwards, but he felt another invisible slash cut across with him. It did not stop him, but a few more changed everything.
A powerful Stunner later, and Harry sank to the ground, his magic fighting the effects, but still, he was forced to fall unconscious.
'Damnit,' he cursed in his head, as his vision turned black. 'I spend so much time falling unconscious these days...'
"Harry... Harry!"
Harry opened his eyes to see his pare- James and Lily. "Oh. It's you two."
Judging by the calls of the birds, and that there was still morning light, another day had begun.
Harry climbed out of bed, watching his parents move back. He eyed the clock to see it was ten. He sighed, late.
"It was just a Stunner, couldn't you have just revived me?" he asked.
"You haven't been sleeping very well for the past few days," said Lily softly.
"Yeah, that's the new efficient way of ensuring we get our eight hours. Hit us with Stunners," said Harry.
James cleared his throat. "Harry...we're sorry-"
Harry waved it off. "Figured you'd be."
"What?" said Lily.
Harry shrugged. "I'm not forgiving you, if that's what you mean. I simply said that I understand that you are sorry. Doesn't mean I forgive you. Can't just get rid of hell with a word, you know," he said, as he picked up the broken pieces of his staff, and examined them sadly.
Maybe Harry was acting strangely, but he knew it was the most mature response. Rise above them. Be the better man. Or in some cases, be a bigger bastard to them than they were to you.
"Well, how could we...earn your forgiveness?" asked Lily.
"Here's a start, get out of my room."
The two left, while Harry began stretching, his mind starting to plan for the days ahead...first off, he'd pay back Dumbledore for breaking his staff. With interest.
The door was pushed open, revealing James. "Oh, by the way, we got your OWL results."
"That was fast. Don't they take a few months-"
James only shrugged. "Considering its August, they had to get them marked instantly, didn't they? They only had to mark a few papers after all."
Harry took the envelope and opened it, surprised mildly.
ORDINARY WIZARDING LEVEL RESULTS
Pass Grades: Outstanding Plus (O+) Outstanding (O) Exceeds Expectations (E) Acceptable (A)
Fail Grades: Dreadful (D) Troll (T)
HARRY JAMES POTTER HAS ACHIEVED:
Ancient Runes: O+
Astronomy: E
Charms: O+
Defence Against the Dark Arts: O+
Herbology: E
Muggle Studies: E
Transfiguration: O+
You have received four Outstanding Pluses. This mark is given to those students who were in the top five percent of grades for the subject they were examined in. Considering that you took OWLs at a later date, you have displaced other grades that were given.
"Displaced? Guess that means I took other people's grades," said Harry.
"Damn, I only got two O pluses, in Defence and Transfiguration," grumbled James, looking over Harry's shoulder to see his marks. "How the hell did you do that well?"
"Anyone can turn an animal into furniture or change its colour. It's a stupid exam," said Harry.
"Really? Where was the other five percent?" said James.
"Probably lost on written papers. Hate theory. Always have, always will. Now get out of my room."
James snapped his fingers. "That reminds me. Today you'll have to buy school supplies. Hayden and Oriana are also getting their stuff, but me and Lily are busy. The three of you will be going with-"
"If you say Sirius and the twins, I will murder you. I will wrap my hands around your throat, and throttle you until you die."
The older man cut himself off. "Well, since you already know, here," James quickly handed Harry a small pouch of Galleons. "Have fun!" James sprinted to the door, in case Harry decided to throttle him anyway.
"Bastard," grumbled Harry, before his eyes lit up. Undisturbed time with book stores, having enough money...maybe he finally had a chance to be cured.
One in the afternoon saw a motley crowd go down Diagon Alley. A grinning man supporting a small girl on his shoulders and a small boy standing by his side. A red-haired girl and a black-haired boy, both giving suspicious looks to the two children, who smiled back innocently. Last but not least, another teen, his head in a book.
"So, where do we go first?" asked Sirius happily, looking at Oriana and Hayden, who shrugged.
"Mum's already ordered our robes...just books really," mumbled Oriana.
"Can we go get ice cream?" said Lyra, pulling slightly on Sirus' ears.
"Now now Lyra, remember what I told you," said Sirius.
Lyra thought for a moment. "Oh yeah! The ice cream man got kidnapped and is probably dead!"
Harry, Oriana and Hayden all turned to stare at Sirius and Lyra in disbelief.
"Sirius, what the hell do you teach your kids?" asked Harry, voicing his siblings' thoughts.
"I don't believe in lying to the kids just because it sounds nicer," responded Sirius. "So...where's the book store again? Haven't been there since..." Sirius thought for a moment. "Since I was at school."
Once the group had arrived in Flourish and Blotts, they once again set upon their separate ways. Hayden and Oriana started ordering the school books, the duo having to order Harry's books as well, seeing as he seemed disinterested by the idea of school books. Orion and Lyra were making nuisances of themselves, giving the shop assistant the most exercise he'd had all week. Sirius was in the "Restricted Section" of the store, although this was named such as it contained books not suitable for minors.
And Harry was in a dusty corner of the store, picking tomes of an even dustier shelf.
'Note to self,' he thought. 'Learn a spell that repels dust.'
Sadly for Harry, like the books in the Potter house, the Mind Arts only seemed to be vaguely touched upon.
As he came to the conclusion he wouldn't find any use in the books available, he gave up, and let his mind wander, back to the events of the previous days.
OWLs, Dumbledore, parents.
Dumbledore was impossible to think off without thinking up some insults, so Harry let his thoughts fall to his parents. Quite frankly, they'd dug their grave.
He sighed. He hoped they didn't try to do something stupid to earn his forgiveness, because he simply wasn't giving any. Or at least, what did forgiveness mean? Harry held some ill thoughts towards them, but provided they were away from him- far away, while he was in a non-Portkey area- he'd wish them all the best.
His aims were to free his magic and seek revenge for the pain and his staff against Dumbledore. Making his parents pay would just be a waste of time. Besides, Sirius would probably do it anyway.
A giggle was heard through the area. Apparently Sirius had found a really good book.
Disgruntled, Harry grabbed a random tome he hadn't noticed before, and looked down at the contents. The book was appeared to be about enhancing magic.
'Hm...didn't Sirius say that could create magical overload?' Intrigued more than anything, Harry continued down the contents page. And he finally found something: "Enhancing the Senses through the mind."
The chapter had only been half a page long, but Harry finally had some trace of his senses back. The book had explained through use of meditation, or allowing magic to filter into the senses, temporarily enhancing them.
Sadly, it was only temporary, but it was a step in the right direction.
But once again, cold reality reminded him he had a lot of ground to cover, and steps would take a while. And that also reminded him of the staff that lay in broken pieces in his bedroom.
That reminded Harry. He'd already met a man who worked with magical foci.
Harry left the store, finding the others. "I'm going to see Mr Ollivander," was all he said, and he headed away.
Sirius yelled at him to be at the Leaky Cauldron in half an hour.
A few minutes later, Harry had opened the door of Ollivander's Wands.
"Mr Olliv- how the hell did you appear right behind me?!" said Harry, spinning around.
"Ah, the lost child. Back again. So we did meet again, far more quickly than I had anticipated."
"Do you make staffs?" said Harry, coming straight to the point.
Ollivander actually looked surprised. "Nay, my boy, the crafting of the magical stave is in a far more different branch of magical foci creation than wands." Ollivander surveyed Harry. "Why would you wish for one?"
"I need an extendable staff, to replace...my previous one."
Ollivander nodded sagely. The loss of a precious foci was quite a blow to even the greatest of wizards. "My apologies, lost child, but as I've said, I do not make staves."
"Look, I'm not lost. I thought we came to an agreement about that."
"But you were," said Ollivander, repeating himself from their last encounter.
"Well, then you could call me a toddler, because I was one once," said Harry, rolling his eyes. "So, do you know anyone who does make staffs?"
"Stave making is a rare art amongst the witches and wizards of today, Mr Potter. Old staffs were cumbersome and weak, as are many crafted today. Few know how to make a true powerful staff," said Ollivander. "And even fewer know how to correctly wield one."
"I've used a staff for eight years," said Harry. "I'm a lot more comfortable with one than a wand."
Ollivander closed his eyes in thought. "I will look into this for you, but I will not guarantee anything."
August came to an end, far too swiftly for Harry, who realised at the end of it, it was the worst month he'd had in eleven years.
And he was currently being forced to do something that most people did regularly in the wizarding world. His parents were instructing him, as he was unfamiliar with it, but that was quite an unwanted conversation, as Harry had no intention of doing so.
And all these silly things about wearing them correctly and cleaning them, and knowing when they're just too well-used and need to be Vanished away.
"Look, I appreciate this," said Harry sarcastically. "But I have no intention of wearing these stupid robes, let alone learning how to maintain them."
"Harry," said Lily patiently. "You have to wear the correct school uniform-"
"You're right," said Harry. "Not wearing the correct uniform is a terrible offence. I should be expelled the moment I walk through those doors of Bogwarts."
"Hogwarts," corrected Lily.
"I know what I said."
"You'll be in sixth year, you have to set an example for the younger years as well!"
"You're right, I'll instruct them on all the easy ways of running away for eleven years and coming back, but know how to remain on your guard for unwanted Portkeys that certain people might drop."
Lily looked like she wanted to strangle something, but James just looked amused as always, probably at the idea of following Hogwarts rules.
The two left the room, and Harry sniggered.
Ever since the two had made it clear they wanted forgiveness, Harry used the opportunity to have as much fun as possible.
Harry closed his eyes, remembering a certain memory just a few days ago.
Harry entered the living room, where Hayden was sitting in front of the television (it was Muggle, but like Sirius' motorbike, enhanced with a few magic features). Quite popular amongst Muggle-borns and half-bloods.
"Hayden, pass the remote," said Harry.
"No way," replied the twin, watching his show.
Harry looked around, and Lily was just outside the room.
"Oh the woe!" he cried. "Five years of neglect, my parents not trusting me, and look at this, my own brother won't just let me watch a television!"
Lily entered. "Hayden, move. It's Harry's turn to watch."
"What!?"
"Move!"
Hayden begrudgingly got off the sofa, which Harry sat at, while Lily gave him a bowl of popcorn, before she left the room.
"Hey, Hayden, massage my feet," said Harry, changing the channel.
"Screw you!"
Harry cleared his throat. "Oh the woe-!"
"Fine, damnit! Fine!"
Harry sniggered again.
Although, that hadn't been the best highlight of the past month. That had been was making James and Lily guilty not for getting him any birthday presents over the eleven years he was missing.
It was a whole new level of lowness, yet so fun.
A few days later saw Harry sitting alone in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express, Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.
He snorted. Nine and Three-Quarters. Mathematically speaking, it should be Nine and a Half, seeing as the entrance was at the barrier in the middle.
Hayden had joined up with that red-head Ron, and some bushy-haired girl. Oriana had gone over to this other redhead girl who probably was related to Ron.
More than five people had entered Harry's compartment, and the same amount had gone right back out again as they were greeted with threatening glares.
Harry sighed. Here he was, going into the territory of a man who sealed his magic and broke his staff, all in the name of some people who weren't able to protect themselves or have a secret way out of their houses in the case of attacks.
He lightly massaged the blackened rings around his eyes, before letting his hands fall away, leaving one to feel the rest of his face.
And he remembered a thought he'd had the day he'd reappeared. He needed a shave.
Bandana, unshaven, unkempt long hair, dark rings around his eyes...probably not the best first impression you could make.
The compartment door slid open, revealing three very stupid looking people.
Two looked like they would grow up to become stereotypical thugs. The last-with that hair colour and style, he looked like he'd grow up to be a child molester.
"Well, well, well, Potty. All alone are we? Time for payback for last year, Potter," said future-child-molester.
Future-stereotypical-thugs chuckled in what they must have thought was a menacing manner.
Harry blinked. "Who are you three?"
Future-child-molester looked surprised, before taking a second look at Harry, and coming to the realisation that this was not Hayden Potter.
"Who are you?" said future-child-molester.
"You came into my compartment, you'll give me your name before I give you mine," replied Harry, his hand slowly creeping towards his wand in case the three tried something.
"Draco Malfoy," he said snobbishly, "And this is Crabbe and Goyle."
"Harry."
"No family name? What are you, disowned?" said Malfoy, and Crabbe and Goyle started laughing, even though they probably didn't even understand what was going on.
Harry merely drew his wand, and blasted the three outside the compartment. Another wave of the stick of holly, and the door slid shut.
Pleasantly, Harry noticed that he hadn't felt a bit of pain in his arm. At least Dumbledore, still the cause of the problem, had found something that seemed to work...even though it was a temporary measure.
Not too long later, the compartment door began to slide open again, and Harry reached for his wand, ready to blast Drakey-boy and his daft duo again.
To his surprise, he was greeted by the sight of a girl with dirty-blonde hair and a newspaper that she was reading upside-down.
"Aren't there other compartments for you to go in?" Harry snapped.
"Too many of them are infested with Nargles," deadpanned the girl.
"...What's a Nargle?"
"There are no living witnesses," said the girl seriously, sitting in the seat across from Harry.
Harry sighed, and the girl spoke again. "You shouldn't do that. Wrackspurts infest the brain when you leave your mouth open."
"Right, who are you?"
"There is much power in names."
"Oh for the love of-"
"Luna Lovegood," and the girl looked piercingly at him. "You're Harry Potter, aren't you."
"Yes," replied Harry. "Now-"
"You're not like Hayden."
"I'm glad."
"Why?"
"Many reasons."
"Hayden's very good friends with some people."
"If you're one of them, go away."
"The Weasleys like Hayden," said Luna. "They're quite nice, but they do tend to be quite sensitive about their finances."
"So they're poor? No surprises there, they probably spent all their money on finding a cure for being ginger."
"Ginger? What could the Weasley's have to do with biscuits?"
It was going to be a long journey...
Harry towered over the nervous first-years.
Why the hell did he have to go with them in the stupid boats? Although, it had been quite fun when he knocked a first-year overboard.
"We're ready for you now. Mr Potter, please bring up the rear," said McGonagall.
Harry sighed, waiting for the first-years to begin leading, and he followed gloomily as the doors of the Great Hall opened.
It was no surprise to the teen when he became the subject of many stares and mutterings.
"Who's the big guy?"
"Looks like Hayden, with more hair."
"Nice bandanna. Need to get one of those."
As the Sorting Hat began its work on the first years, Harry examined the hall, scowling at anyone he caught staring at him. The whole ceiling-sky thing was pretty impressive, he didn't think he'd noticed that the first time he was here, or maybe he'd forgotten.
"Potter, Harry."
Harry approached the stool, placing the Hat on his head. He kept his head lowered, so no one could see his face. Explainable, he felt like a complete fool.
"Well, this is interesting," said a voice in his head, and before Harry knew it, he had been drawn into a mental conversation.
"Surely his eyes shouldn't have closed," said Hermione, looking at Harry.
Hayden shrugged. "It takes time for some people. Did for me."
"Wonder what house he'll get," said Ron.
"Hey, Weasley," Seamus said down the table. "Bet you ten sickles on which house he'll get."
"Fine, ten on Gryffindor," replied Ron.
"My ten's on Slytherin," replied Seamus.
"Ten on Ravenclaw," said Dean, entering the conversation.
They looked around, waiting for someone to say " Ten on Hufflepuff." But there wasn't enough time, as Harry's eyes suddenly snapped open.
"You shall be in..."
The tension was filling the room, in particular the Gryffindor table where three boys had bet on the outcome. What happened next, only a select few could have guessed.
"RAVENCLAW!"
And Dean very happily took his winnings, as Harry stood up to the polite applause of his new house.
OMAKE: Sirius the Black
One in the afternoon saw a motley crowd go down Diagon Alley. A grinning man supporting a small girl on his shoulders and a small boy standing by his side. A red-haired girl and a black-haired boy, both giving suspicious looks to the two children, who smiled back innocently. Last but not least, another teen, his head in a book.
"So Harry, what's that?" said Sirius, Lyra still sitting on his shoulders.
Harry showed him the cover, and Sirius read it aloud. "Return of the King..." Sirius struck a dramatic pose, as if he was holding a staff. "Fear me! I am the legendary wizard, Sirius the Black!"
"Fear him! Fear him!" cried Lyra and Orion in unison.
"Give me the One Bandanna!" shouted Sirius, approaching Harry.
"The One Bandanna to Rule Them All!"
Nothing to say really. How about...a rant?
Yeah, it's been a while since I've had a good rant.
Harry and the gang in Surrey. I've seen a couple of fics where Harry joins a gang at the Dursleys...in Surrey.
Really, it's obvious whoever writes these fics doesn't know anything about England, seeing as Surrey is full of idiots. They're the sort of people who go around attempting to get Best Lawn Prizes, they require four-wheel drive to get over some leaves in the road- the Dursley's are the exact stereotypical version of Surrey people. If there are gangs there, they'd be shit! If they robbed a bank, it'd look like this!
"Put your hands in the air- and dance!"
Oh yeah, the jokes are going to start gradually disappearing. I mean, for the first couple of chapters, there's bound to be jokes, he'll be at Hogwarts. But as the seriousness, and the fighting starts appearing, the jokes will start disappearing.
As for the Ravenclaw thing, yeah, I talked to Quatreastrophe about that, who was all for it, but requested Luna becomes Harry's friend, which obviously the train ride will lead up to.
I'd like to put up some more rants, like all those "Harry is uber-powerful, but he's a complete spineless shit when it comes to dealing with his girlfriend, he's at the point of putting on rubber and calling her mistress", or those "Dumbledore's Manipulative, but he can very easily be overcome, he's so stupid he'd let himself be caught out by a kid and his girlfriend, as well as leaving plenty of evidence and saying "It was for the greater good"", but sadly, I'm tired.
Oh, by the way...Horcruxes. I'm finding it hard to decide whether these should go into the fic or not, as this fic was started pre-HBP, and Quatreastrophe never read Deathly Hallows.
If you're someone who has a valid opinion, comment on this. I now actually reply to reviews- I won't if it's two words long, but then I might reply and ask you very graciously what the fuck are you doing on a site about writing if you can only say two words in a review.