Causality
Part III
There had to be some way to change the outcome. I'd obviously made many mistakes, hell, I couldn't even carry on a conversation without wanting to rip the poor girl's throat out. So, I decided that my first step was to simply make it through the day without killing her. Not only was the vision of Bella Swan's deep brown eyes firmly reestablished, but there was also the pained black gaze of my favorite sister as her eyes took on a red hue. It was the two images combined that held me steady day in and day out.
At that point, my family was no longer aware of the repetition, nor were they aware of my struggles. I simply went through the day as I had the first time, never breathing in the girl's presence. Sometimes I would finish out the day by trying to leave town, but after having spent so much time away from my family when I'd run before, it wasn't my preferred evening activity. After all, it was akin to running in a hamster wheel—I never actually went anywhere.
Anytime being in her presence became too much, I'd make up an excuse about being ill and bolt from the classroom or I would be unintentionally destructive. One day I gripped the sides of my chair so tightly when Bella sat down next to me in Biology that my chair broke in half. Mr. Banner gave me a strange look and sent me to grab the janitor to clean up the mess. Another day, the table snapped in two. They were small ways I somehow managed to keep the monster locked in his cage.
Suffering through, day in and day out to acclimate myself to Isabella's enticing smell was what made my day infinitely more mind-numbing. The day was always the same. Not only did the teachers teach the same lessons in class. The students stepped the same way, made the same comments, had the same asinine and insipid thoughts, even my family was predictable. The only changes occurred when I interfered, and I no longer had the enticement of her death to keep me from the tedium. Since I couldn't commit suicide, I was beginning to think—and in some ways wish—that the monotony itself would kill me.
The only thing I had to propel me forward was my mission to unlock the mystery of Bella Swan. She was the difference, she was the purpose. I could feel it within the very depths of my s… well, I just knew. So, I tried to learn new things about her by watching, by speaking with other students, by listening to the murky thoughts of her father, and by eavesdropping on her conversations. The only thing I never did was speak directly to her. After my initial attempts at speaking to her, I didn't want to take any chances.
On several successive afternoons, I left school after my discussion with my siblings in the cafeteria, skipping out on my last two classes, and let myself into the Swan house. I spent my time exploring, going through her room, studying the books that adorned her shelves, the emails on her computer—all of which were from her mother—the CDs she had, her photos… the list went on and on. All of it helped me to see her as a person instead of simply a meal, not to mention how over time I became more and more acclimated to her scent. The only downfall was that she'd only just moved back into the house, so her scent was lighter, just barely starting to creep down into the nooks and crevices of the old house.
When the days continued to repeat, I began to spend the nights in her room sitting in her rocking chair by the window. I knew every movement she was going to make, it was timed exactly. She would start talking in her sleep at 1:08 am, talking about her mother, the cold, rain, and how green everything was. Then, just as her alarm clock next to her bed would change to six in the morning, the bedroom would fade from around me and I would be alone, standing in the middle of the meadow where it was eternally winter.
I hated my life.
One hundred ninety-eight more February 2nds passed before I even tried to speak to her. I asked her if I could borrow a pen because mine conveniently ran out of ink halfway through Mr. Banner's lecture. She smiled and blushed fiercely before she reached into her bag and grabbed another pen to hand to me.
"Thank you, Bella."
She looked at me confused, but I wasn't sure what the problem was until a few minutes later she leaned toward me. A waft of her scent hit me making it feel as if someone had lit my throat on fire. My left hand was firmly gripping the lab table while I focused my energy and attention on not breaking the pen in my hand.
"How did you know my name?"
Her question alerted me quickly that she had yet to introduce herself. I thought back to the cafeteria and her conversation with Jessica and smirked. "Don't try to tell me that you don't know mine. Your arrival was highly anticipated, and you've been correcting people on what to call you all day. I listen."
Bella narrowed her eyes at me for a moment, as if she were trying to solve a difficult riddle. Then she nodded her head, and a warm smile graced her features. "Fair enough, Edward."
I couldn't help but chuckle when she said my name and proved my point.
She turned her attention back to the teacher, but I caught her stealing glimpses of me out of the corner of her eye the remainder of the class period while I ceased to breathe.
We repeated the identical interaction ten times more before I felt as if I could actually do something more than say a few words to her. Each time I made the attempt, I was testing my limits. I was exasperated by the slow progress and many times found myself questioning if it was indeed what I was supposed to be doing, but something inside of me told me I was on the right path. It was that intuition which helped keep me going forward in my efforts to get to know Isabella Swan.
Eventually I worked myself up to distracting her through most of our class together, talking and childishly passing notes. Flirting in its most innocent form, and I was surprised to find that I enjoyed it immensely.
I'd surpassed well over three hundred days of February 2nds. I'd been going through the exact same thing for nearly a year. It was a long damn time to live life in such a repetitive state. If the day ever ended, I vowed I would never complain about the boredom of being a vampire and living for eternity again. At least there had been some variety in that life. Even if I knew what a person was thinking before they said anything, at least I didn't know exactly what they'd think at any precise moment of the day. Carlisle worried about Mrs. Clayton, a post-surgical patient who was at risk for sepsis at 10:16 in the evening. Angela Webber worried about failing an upcoming history exam at 8:28 in the morning. Rosalie thought about how superior her looks were to every person she was surrounded by at—well, Rosalie always thought about that, so the fact that on February 2nd she thought about it at 7:12 am, 7:34 am, 8:02 am, 8:07 am, 8:15 am, and so on and so forth really wasn't that surprising… it was just mind-numbing.
My time with Bella Swan was the highpoint of the day. In part because it was in my interactions with her that I was truly making an effort to change, but also it was because I couldn't hear her thoughts. If I asked her a new question or steered the conversation into a new direction, I didn't know exactly what she was thinking or what she would say.
She was refreshing, and I found myself utterly fascinated with her.
The bell rang signaling the end of the class period, and instead of bolting out of the door, I took my time gathering my books. Bella continued to sneak glances at me under her lashes. I had the urge to tuck her hair behind her ear so I could see her face more clearly, but to her, I'd only known her for an hour. Outside of a handshake, touching wasn't something that people did when they'd just met one another.
"Do you have plans after school today?"
The look of surprise in her eyes told me that was the last thing she thought I'd say to her, and I grinned.
She shrugged. "Not really. Homework, dinner for my dad. That sort of thing."
"Would you like to study together this afternoon? I could make sure you're caught up in all of your classes. Maybe afterward your father would let us go get an ice cream soda or…" My words trailed off suddenly, feeling very stupid. Ice cream? Did people still do that? Go down to the drugstore and have an ice cream soda?
Oh, hell no! Cullen lives like a monk ever since he moved here and now he chooses the first nice looking girl outside of his family to move to this stupid town to hit on? Mike Newton's thoughts were more annoying then the semi-tempered words he typically spoke aloud. I shot him a glare, and he paused for a moment before continuing to make his way to where Bella and I stood.
Bella narrowed her eyes at me for a moment after my meager attempt of asking her on a date. Then she gave me a small smile. "That sounds nice. Thank you."
I nodded. "I just need to take my brothers and sisters home and then I'll come by. Would that be acceptable?"
"Sure."
With a final glance at Newton, who seemed both annoyed and perplexed by my interaction with Bella, I turned to leave.
"Wait!"
I looked back at the girl as she rushed to me, effectively ignoring the boy who was perched to adorn her with his attention.
"Don't you need my address or directions or something?"
I smiled. "Chief Swan's house," I said. "I think I'll be able to find it."
"Oh." The confusion was back on her face, although now it was laced with a fine hint of suspicion. I would have to remember to act as if I didn't intimately know the entire layout of the house when I went over there later.
"It's a small town, Bella. And everyone knows your father."
Her face relaxed. "Oh, right. Then I'll see you later this afternoon."
Another nod and I hurried out of the room as quickly as I could while amongst the humans.
I was slightly on edge during the drive back to the house, and Jasper kept shooting me odd looks, asking me silently to tell him what was going on. Alice soon caught on, and I was suddenly bombarded with images of my time with Bella. As she searched through her visions, she gasped when a cloudy and blurred image of me standing over Bella's lifeless body in the kitchen emerged. I cringed and shook my head, both to dispel the image from my own mind and to give Alice some reassurance that I had no intention of allowing that to happen. I'd already lived through that particular version of events, and I had no desire to do so again.
The vision quickly left Alice and was replaced by an image of Bella and I sitting in her kitchen with her schoolbooks and notebooks strewn across the table. No matter what I had to do, that would be the vision that came to fruition.
When we got to the house, everyone got out of the car but Alice. She placed her hand on my shoulder. Do you want to tell me what's going on?
"Not right now, Alice. I don't want to be late."
When will you be home?
"I don't know."
"Be careful," she said as she got out of the car and went into the house to find her husband.
I would deal with Alice when or if I returned to the house before the day changed. Then my mind briefly entertained the idea that the day could possibly end. Spending this much time with Bella was a major step forward. At least I hoped it was a step forward and that I wasn't simply spinning my wheels in futility.
When I arrived at the Swan house, I parked along the street and when I exited my car, I stood along the path leading up to the front door and inhaled deeply. There was a distinct scent of Bella, and I took a moment to again acclimate myself to her scent. I was surprised to find myself savoring the burn of my throat instead of cursing it. The pain meant that she was still alive and, for now, that was my goal.
I knocked on the door and listened to the sounds as she walked to the foyer, including what sounded like Bella stumbling over something along the way.
She looked flustered when she opened the door, but a bright smile lit her face when she met my gaze. "Hi," she greeted. "Come in." As she led me through the front room and into the kitchen, I couldn't help but notice a slight limp as she favored her left leg, nor could I miss that the small end table next to the couch was crooked.
"Can I get you something to drink?"
"No, thank you. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
The flame in my throat burned hotter at her words. I swallowed down a mouthful of venom and closed my eyes a moment to recompose myself. I reassured her that I didn't need anything, and soon enough we were both seated at the kitchen table, her school books and notes covering the Formica table top. From the way she took notes and seemed to be able to keep up—at least with the one Biology lecture I'd sat with her in—with the classroom discussion, I had ascertained that she was bright. And from my trips into her bedroom, I had guessed that she enjoyed classic literature. However, those two small tidbits had not shown me how intelligent Bella truly was. She was ahead in most every class, except for Trigonometry. So, we spent the majority of the afternoon as I went over the concepts she wasn't entirely familiar with so she would be caught up with the rest of her classmates.
When we finished, I gathered up the books and papers, while Bella began looking through the cupboards to see what was available for dinner.
Before it even became an issue, I excused myself, telling her that my family was expecting me for dinner and that I would be by at seven to show her around the very small town.
I had no desire to return to the house and answer dozens of needless questions. Instead I drove my car around the corner and then ran back to the forest behind her house and sat up in one of the trees that bordered her property, close enough to the house to be able to hear Bella and her father as they spoke during dinner and so I could hear her father's thoughts.
I smiled in amusement as Bella casually mentioned her plans for the evening and then the onslaught of thoughts that ran through her father's head. He was certain I was Emmett and that I was at least nineteen or twenty… obviously held back in school a few years. This, of course, made sense to Charlie because he'd heard the rumors around town about how much the Cullens excelled in school. Then, even though he knew that none of us had ever been in any trouble, he decided that likely all of us had been held back in school because of emotional issues, because, of course, all adopted children had a long string of emotional issues to overcome.
Chuckling quietly to myself at his rationale, I shook my head. Ridiculous, although I could also see in his thoughts that he was simply trying to be a good father since he'd been mostly absent from his daughter's life. But I also could tell that he didn't believe the things he was saying and Bella was going to get her way.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, distracting me from their conversation.
"Alice," I greeted after seeing her name flash on the screen.
"Well, I know you were right and you didn't kill her this afternoon, but why do I now see you sitting with her down at the coffee shop later?"
"Because when she's finished with dinner that is where I'm going to take her." Well, that hadn't been exactly true, I'd been thinking that there must be someplace along Main Street where I could take her. "Alice, what else do you see?" I asked her.
She thought for a moment, and I wished that she was sitting on the tree branch right next to me so I could see her visions spin out before me.
"Not much. Just you sitting in her room tonight. Why would you do that, Edward?"
"It's not important. But I mean after tonight, Alice. What do you see after tonight?" A piece of the puzzle was finally making itself clear to me; I just needed Alice to confirm it for me.
Alice was quiet much longer before she responded. Finally, she whispered, barely loud enough for even my sensitive hearing to pick up, "Nothing."
"What?"
"I can see futures for every single one of us. I see the hunting trip this weekend and a race up to the top of Glacier Peak. I see Jasper's gift for me on Valentine's Day and I see that Esme is going to be furious when Emmett and Rosalie manage to destroy their bathroom that same night. But Edward, I don't see you anywhere. It's as if… as if after tonight you no longer exist, but no matter how hard I try, I can't see anything that could possibly destroy you."
I quickly thought back through all of the conversations I'd had with her and with my family since the first time I saw Isabella Swan. I'd never thought much of it because Alice had visions of the future for the rest of the family, but never anything further than the end of the day for me. Never once had she given any concrete or certain information about anything further in my future than the single day. She'd just tell me that things were blurry, but she'd always been so worried about looking at all of our futures that I'd never pressed it. And she and I both know that if she saw the rest of the family content—especially only a couple of weeks from now—then she wouldn't think anything of her lack of vision for me.
"Can you see Bella?"
"I just don't think that I'm attuned to her, Edward. I've seen her with you, just not past tonight."
"Do you see me killing her tonight?"
"Not anymore. She's just as blank as you are past tonight. What does that mean?"
"I don't know."
I told Alice I appreciated her checking for me and did my best to reassure her that nothing bad would happen tonight, but that I might not return until morning. Then I flipped the phone closed and slipped it back into my pocket, never ceasing to ponder Alice's lack of vision. I wondered if that meant I was still on the wrong path.
My introduction to Chief Swan had been brief. According to his thoughts, Bella had convinced him that I just wanted to show her around town and where all of our classmates hung out. I promised him that I would have Bella home early and then escorted her out to my car. Even after only having been away from her for a little over an hour, I found my restraint wavering. She truly had the most enticing blood I'd ever had the privilege of tasting….
"Edward."
I turned my eyes to look at her. She was only a few inches away as she studied my face, and I felt as if I were suddenly embraced by her scent.
"Did you just growl?" she asked.
"Sorry."
"Just checking." She then climbed into the passenger side of the car.
I shut the door for her before walking at a painfully slow pace, but I needed the time to compose myself before shutting myself in such a tiny and enclosed space with her. I didn't want to kill her. Not again. I was feeling myself change. The more time I spent with her, the more I was beginning to like her. Not only did I admire her intelligence and wit, but I admired her obvious care and concern for others. Those traits were apparent in the way she spoke about her father, her mother, and even the people who she had barely just met at school. But in her eyes and those of everyone else around me, I'd only known her for a little more than six hours.
"So…"
"Yes?" I asked, genuinely curious about what she wanted to say.
"Do you often growl?" Even in the dark, I didn't miss the small smile that played on her lips or the twinkle of amusement in her eyes.
I laughed. "More often than most people you've met, I'm sure."
"Hmm."
"Does that bother you?"
She shook her head. "No. I was just… just curious."
"Please, Bella, feel free to ask or say anything you wish. I would love to have a chance to figure out what's going on inside of that mind of yours."
She narrowed her eyes at me, again obviously trying to decipher my words, but she didn't say anything more. It amazed me how perceptive she was and how after only such a short time she was already seeing through my façade. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that it wouldn't matter if she discovered my secret. Perhaps that was what needed to happen for our lives to be able to finally move forward.
As I thought about that, I parked the car in front of the Forks Coffee Shop. Surprisingly enough, it turned out that it was a popular hangout for the high school students of Forks. I managed to smile at her. "Ready?"
"Yep."
I bought Bella ice cream and then a coffee for myself. It was easy to pretend to drink out of a closed lid paper cup as long I remembered to lift the vile liquid to my mouth every so often.
Bella was visibly uncomfortable, playing with the ice cream as it slowly melted in the bowl and constantly fidgeting. I wished I knew what she was thinking so I had some sort of an idea of what I was doing to make her uncomfortable, although better late than never. Maybe I was supposed to make certain her survival instincts kicked in and that she was properly afraid of me for the day to move forward. I shook my head at the thought. By this point I wanted nothing more than for a new day to dawn so I could see Bella in other situations, in other places, at a time when she wasn't the shiny new toy.
"Are you okay?
She twirled her spoon, scooping up some chocolate from the bottom of the bowl and drizzling it on its rightful place over the ice cream. "Everyone is staring."
"I'm sorry. This is really the first time I've ever come down here."
"Really?"
I nodded as I sifted through the thoughts of those around us. We really were catching a lot of attention between my first time being seen in public with someone other than a family member, and with Bella simply being new.
"I really didn't know there would be so many people here."
"Why haven't you ever come here before?"
I tossed around her question for a bit as I worked out the best way to answer her. "My family and I tend to stick together. We spend more times on outdoor trips with each other than we do hanging out at coffee shops with the other students from school."
"They're all together, right?" Her tone was questioning and curious, but she couldn't seem to bring herself to look me in the eyes when she asked. I could only imagine the things running through her head.
"Yes."
Bella sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and began gnawing on it with her teeth. I hoped she didn't break the skin, I may have been slowly working on building up a resistance to her blood, but I didn't think I would be able to restrain myself if she had freshly spilt blood coating her lips.
She blushed again when she noticed me staring. "Um… why aren't you with anyone?"
"Because I'd never found the right person." It was as I spoke that I realized the true meaning behind my own words, but I didn't want to take the time to focus on it. My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out. Seeing Alice's name again flashing on the screen, I sent the call directly to voicemail.
"Anything important?"
"Just my sister."
We sat in uncomfortable silence for another three minutes and twenty-six seconds before I asked, "Are you finished?"
"Sure." Although she agreed, she made no move to leave.
"It's just that there are two guys behind me who are going to come over here in just a moment and corner you. I thought you'd prefer to leave before they actually stand up." I could hear Eric and Tyler as they spoke quietly to each other. They were both encouraging the other to come over to ask Bella to the movies this weekend and were just on the verge of agreeing to both come over.
Bella dropped her spoon into her bowl, grabbed her coat, and stood. "Let's go."
I chuckled at her eagerness and knew I'd been right—she truly didn't want anymore attention placed on her. Reaching in front of her, I opened the door for her and escorted her back to the car. I was surprised she didn't ask me how I knew that the boys were going to approach her. I could see the gears turning in her head as she tried to figure me out. It endeared me to her all the more.
As I drove her home, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want the time to end. I wanted to walk her to her door, perhaps kiss her hand, or maybe even kiss her on the cheek, but I didn't trust myself not to hurt her. Thinking of all of the times I'd hurt her, as I'd snapped her neck, broke her hand, crushed her ribs, and drained her blood caused an aching in my chest to form. I rubbed it absently, curious because my body didn't feel pain the way a human would.
"Are you all right?"
I turned my attention back to the girl seated next to me. "Yes. I was just thinking."
She smiled. "Sometimes I get so lost in thought that everything else falls away around it."
"Yes, that's exactly it." I studied her face, the soft paleness of her skin, the apples of her cheeks, and the deep brown color in her eyes. "It is just very peaceful being with you. I'm not used to that. Typically for me to have any sense of serenity, I have to be by myself."
"Sounds lonely."
I nodded. "It can be, but this is nice."
"I think so too."
All too soon we were at her house. I didn't get out of the car, I didn't hold her hand, or kiss her goodnight.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow," was I could say, wishing desperately it could be true.
"Save me a seat in Biology."
"I'll do you one better and save you a seat at lunch," I said with a playful smirk that turned into a smile when she laughed lightly and nodded her head in agreement.
Once I saw that she was safely in her house, I drove my car down the block and around the corner so I could go back to the tree outside of her bedroom window. I'd barely made it up the tree when I heard it. Her voice was as grating in my head as it was to my ears, but I knew she was persistent enough that if I didn't respond to her mentally calling my name, she'd wind up sitting in the tree next to me while she complained about the branches in her hair. So, I jumped down and took off after her.
The closer I got to Rosalie, the further away she ran. She led me deep into the woods as I wondered what her game was until she finally stopped.
"What?" I asked her bluntly. I just wanted to get back and watch Bella sleep; I wanted to enjoy this day before it recycled itself. I wondered if when she began talking in her sleep just after one in the morning, if she would talk about me. I wanted to call Alice and see if she could see a future for either of us yet. I wanted to be anywhere but with Rosalie.
"What do you think you're doing?" Rosalie spat.
"Nothing that concerns you."
"You're being careless, stupid, and selfish."
"I wonder who that sounds like," I retorted.
"You're going to ruin everything for us. I like it here. I don't want to leave because you're being irresponsible. Did you already tell her about us?"
"You don't even know what you're talking about. I can personally guarantee that I haven't ruined anything. And no, she doesn't know anything, but if that's what it takes, I'll be sure to tell her all of our deepest and darkest secrets." I was goading her and I knew it. Rosalie had no idea about the personal hell I was living in, but I hated that she felt she had the right to come and tell me what I had to do.
That was when I caught it. Up until that moment, Rosalie's thoughts mirrored her words. This wasn't unusual; she hated that I could hear everything that went through her head. She wanted her voice to be heard, and she rightfully felt that if her thoughts enhanced and emphasized what she said then I would understand her feelings more fully. But a glimmer of her thoughts that weren't mirroring her exact words came through when I'd spoken.
He'd better be done now.
Such simple words that without context one would think she was referring to me, but that was the problem, that was the slip. I saw Rosalie's true intent with just barely a flicker of an image, almost too quick for me to grasp. I stared at her in horror for a fraction of a second and then willed my legs to move. While I ran, I pulled out my phone from my pocket, flipped it open, and dialed.
"I'm sorry, Edward."
"That's all you have to say?" I hissed.
"I couldn't see your future past today, and I got worried. I saw some brief images of you killing her, and then I saw one that was more solid of you telling her everything about us and no matter what, there was still nothing of either of you beyond tonight."
"And now, Alice? Do you see anything now?"
"Nothing."
Instead of snapping the phone closed, I crushed it between my fingers, tossing the shattered bits of plastic on the ground just as I entered the clearing to the Swan house. I didn't waste any time, climbing the tree by Bella's window. The window was wide open, and his scent was everywhere.
Her bedroom was exactly as it always was. There was a slightly damp towel from her shower on the floor next to her bed, her hairbrush sat on her desk next to her ancient computer. And lying in the bed, with her eyes wide open and nothing more than light of the moon dancing on her skin, was Bella's still body. The scent of her blood permeated the room, but what small traces were left had already grown cold and unwanted. It no longer smelled appetizing. In fact, if I could've felt nauseated and vomited, I would have.
I took a step closer. Her throat had been crushed, I'd wager that Jasper had been so quick that she'd barely felt it. If nothing else, Jasper was compassionate. I could hear his thoughts out in the forest as he slowly came down off of his high from his meal. Anger, guilt, remorse, and satisfaction were at the forefront of his mind. Behind that, he was preparing himself for a fight. He could feel my own anguish and guilt over this girl, and Jasper knew me well enough to know that I would want to seek reparations.
But I couldn't focus on him. My eyes, my body, my mind… every part of me demanded that I give Bella my full attention. I walked across the floor to her bed. Leaning down, I scooped up her body into my arms. Then, I carried her through the still and silent house and out the front door, careful to shut it quietly behind me.
What are you doing?
"Leave me alone, Jasper. You've done enough."
You've been acting crazy all day. Alice couldn't see you anymore. We were worried. Things could've become bad had we allowed you to carry on.
"You know absolutely nothing about what's been going on. None of you do."
I brushed aside the rest of Jasper's mental words when I began to see images of him thinking about how he'd killed her. It made my vision turn red with anger, but I chose instead to run. With her body in my arms, I went all the way to my meadow.
My rationale for carrying her body with me couldn't be explained. The dead weight in my arms simply served as a reminder of all that I'd lost. Jasper had killed her, he'd been the one to suck her life out of her, and he'd been the one to potentially take her away from me for good.
I stood in the wet, desolate, silent field with her body in my arms all night, as I thought. My family knew enough about me to stay away. This was one place where they wouldn't disturb me unless I asked them to.
Time dragged on as I counted down each hour, each minute, and each second in my head. Leaning my head down, I kissed the motionless form in my arms just as I counted down the final seconds. Then, just as I'd hoped it would, the world shifted around me, and Isabella Swan's body shimmered and then vanished from my arms… and my day began again.