A/N: Just a heads up, the next chapter will be the last. Enjoy : )
All You Got
Chapter 15
The Ocean
Sara's P.O.V.
(4 months later)
"How are you this week, Sara?"
"I'm alright. I'll be going on tour in a few months, so I've been making arrangements with the company, and my new record is coming out next week."
"That's very good. This will be your first tour without Emy or Tegan. How do you think that will affect your experience?"
"I'm hoping it won't. I think I'll just go into business mode and do my job."
"That's a good goal, Sara. Have you heard from Jason?"
"Not since last week. But I did hear from Tegan… sort of."
"What do you mean, 'sort of'?"
"She wrote a book. I don't know if you've read it. It's on the bestseller list this month."
"What's the title?"
"'The Ocean'. Here it is. She used an alias, but I know it's Tegan's. She quoted something from our wedding vows in the beginning of the book." I hand over the book I'd brought with me, and look away. I let my face take on its numb, emotionless mask, just like it does every time Tegan's name comes up during my therapy sessions (which is quite often).
"You've never told me about your wedding. Do you remember it?" I almost laugh in her face. Do I remember it? I couldn't forget it if I tried. It had been absolutely perfect- one of the most blissful days of my entire life. I remember the flower petals sprinkled down the aisle by my cousin, Julie's daughter, Samantha (though she was only a couple years younger than me). I remember Grandpa walking me down the aisle proudly. I remember my eyes filling with joyful tears as Tegan read her vows to me. Now, I hear my therapist's voice reading the words, echoing my memory.
"Your love is like an ocean. I want to sink down into its depths and never come up. I want to be surrounded by your love, and I want to surround you with mine. You're the most amazing person I know, and I promise to love you forever. I've always had a hard time with decision, but now I'm sure. I know what I want, and what I want's right here with you. Forever. I promise I'll never leave you alone in the ocean."
"But she did. Tegan left me alone to drown. And now everything is soggy and grey and salty and bitter without her. She lied to me. And now her stupid book is all I have left of her."
"Would you like a tissue?"
"Yes I would like a fucking tissue." What a waste of money. It's all I can think as I blow my nose loudly. But it's not like it's my money being wasted. Superclose wanted me "evaluated" following my breakdown while making my most recent record. I felt stressed, and alone, and angry at the world for making me alone. I threw a full scale rock star fit, throwing any projectile I could get my hands on, and shrieking about whatever someone had said to set me off.
Lucky for me, Superclose covered the cost of the damages to the studio, the press didn't get a hold of the incident, and my insurance contract had a mental health clause. And so I fell into Dr. Carol Bernette's care, and have been seeing her once a week since. Soon, I'd be travelling on tour to Europe, and I'm sure Superclose wouldn't want their favorite little money maker to have a mental breakdown while representing them in a foreign country.
"How do you feel when you think about your sister?" I flinch at the last word and crumble the soft tissue in my fist.
"Fucking miserable, how else would I feel?"
"And why do you think that is?"
"Because she just… left me. She's gone and I'm powerless to bring her back. I'm miserable because I still love her. And I don't know why. I can't wrap my brain around it."
"She is your sister. Loving her is the first natural step to accepting her absence. And maybe admitting to yourself that the love you feel is misplaced sisterly love?"
"Dr. Carol. You don't seem to understand, so let me spell it out for you. I'm not talking about the love you're supposed to feel for your sister. This is the love that burns a hole through your chest every morning when you wake up and she's not there beside you. It's the love that makes kissing anyone else seem impossible unless you're pretending it's her lips on yours instead. It's the kind of love that drives the aching need for someone when they're away. Every fucking day I'm in pain because I have to deal with that, so the last think I need is you telling me it's any less real because Tegan just happens to be my sister."
"I-It sounds like you feel very strongly about her."
"No shit."
"There's no need to be hostile, Sara."
"I'm not hostile. I'm bitter."
Julie's P.O.V.
"Sara's therapist called. She wants me to convince Sara to go and see Tegan."
"What a stupid idea. Sara needs more time. She'll make the right decision when she's ready." I say to Sonia, holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder as I chopped apples for a pie I was making.
"But that may be too late."
"Sonia, you need to let go of the hope that we'll ever be a normal, functional family. It's just not going to happen. Some things are shattered so many times that they can never be fixed."
"I just want my daughters to be happy. If that's only possible while they're together, then that's just how it has to be."
"Fine. But if one of them gets hurt over this…"
"Blame the therapist."
"I was going to say blame you."
"You're not putting this on me. I need you to help me if we're going to pull this off."
"And what exactly do you suggest I do, oh wise one?"
"You take Tegan. I'll take Sara."
"You make it sound like we're hit men. Are you sure we're still talking about the same thing?"
"Not hit men… just partners in crime."
Later that Day…
"Sara, maybe you should try to talk things out with Tegan."
"She doesn't want to see me."
"How do you know that? Maybe she does."
"Then why would I want to see her? She abandoned me over and over, walking in and out of my life, making it a living hell and hasn't bothered to call me in the last four months to even apologize. What the hell would make you think I want to see Tegan?"
"Because I know you still love her. As hard as it is for me to accept it, it's obvious you do, and so does she."
"You say that as if it changes anything."
"You can't say that. You can't just give up. And you can't keep living like a hermit hiding out from the world."
"Why exactly not?"
"Because it's not healthy! You need to stop depriving yourself of love. You're falling apart! You think I've never been in love before? You can't tell me you don't wake up alone every morning starving for her."
"No. I can't. Y-you're right, Mum. "
"Will you go to see her?"
"Yes."
Simultaneously…
"Julie! What a surprise! How are you?"
"I'm fine. Samantha's here for Thanksgiving with her husband."
"That's good. How's Sonia? How's…"
"Sonia's wonderful. Sara's… hanging in there. How about you? I heard you wrote a book."
"I did. It was just released. But… I used a pen name. How did you it was me who wrote it?"
"Oh, please, Tegan. You quoted your wedding vows on the dedication page. You know how Sonia devours those bestsellers. She says it's very good."
"Oh, well… tell her thank you."
"I will. I'm happy you're doing well since the last time we talked. Is there…"
"No. There's no one else. I thought you might ask."
"Tegan. I know you miss Sara, and she misses you too. She wants to see you."
"I don't think I can do that, Julie. Losing her once was painful enough. "
"Just trust me, Tegan. She still loves you. I know that for a fact. Not here's what you need to do…"