Ch.12 Apprehensions

Zedd's brow furrowed in worry as he watched his grandson's blank disconnected look fixed on an unseen nothingness in front of him. He had been distant like this since they left D'Hara and that was four days ago. They had stopped in Hampstead to ride out a blizzard and were now sitting around a table filled with food and hot cider…there was music and dancing…everyone seemed in high spirits except Kahlan and Richard. They barely looked at each other and seemed to avoid each other. Zedd didn't want to pry, but he had a feeling something bad had happened.

He pulled Richard aside and walked up to the counter to order more ambrosia. Richard ordered his third for the night, which was very unlike him. Zedd raised and eyebrow at Richard wondering if he would get anywhere with him if he had drank too much.

"Is there something you wanted to talk about Zedd?"

"What?" asked Zedd, startled out of his thoughts.

"I know you Zedd. You called me away from the group. You rarely do that unless you want to talk to me about something private. So, what is it?" He asked, pounding down his third drink of the evening and slamming his empty mug on the counter indicating a refill.

"Is everything all right, Richard?"

"Sure, why do you ask?" He answered, not meeting Zedd's gaze which usually meant he was hiding something.

"You've just been…different. Did you and Kahlan have a talk about her powers? Because…you know I've been telling you…."

"Zedd…it's not that, or anything. I've just got a lot on my mind right now. With Raul still being a threat and now the fact that rescuing Kahlan meant breaking the treaty…I'm afraid of what he's going to come up with next. I just want to be prepared, Zedd." There, Richard thought, that should tide the old man over.

Zedd smiled at Richard and put an arm around his shoulders as they weaved their way back to the table. "Everything will work out Richard. You're the Seeker, after all. You haven't failed to do the right thing ever." He raised a toast to Richard and everyone raised their cup except for Richard.

Richard noticed Kahlan staring with hollow eyes full of sorrow in his direction and quickly looked away. He grabbed his drink and stepped outside and began to search for a secluded spot to be alone. At once he found the silent refuge of a wayward pine and stepped inside. Even in the blizzard-like conditions, the wayward pine was the perfect place to be alone. There was a circle of rocks in the middle where someone before him had built a fire and he smiled, despite himself, at his luck. He struck the flint and lit the fire. It wasn't before long that the inside of the pine began to warm.

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I watched him leave then excused myself, feigning exhaustion. I ordered a warm cider and stepped outside into the snowy night. I knew what he was doing and it had to stop. Richard hadn't so much as looked at me since we left D'Hara and I was tired of this chasm that had come between us.

It didn't take me long to track him…it was his fault for teaching me so well. When I was about to go inside I noticed I could hear him crying. My heart clenched and I pushed aside the branches and stepped inside. He looked up startled. Noticing it was me; he avoided my eyes and didn't say anything. I sat across from him and warmed my hands and welcomed the comfort of just being with him after it seemed like we'd been apart forever. I looked up and found him watching me.

"Why are you here?" he asked quietly.

"I missed you, that's all. You just seemed so distant lately and I want to know why?"

"You know why." He said, his voice breaking.

"No, I don't." I looked up letting my pent up sorrow consume me "Why do you expect me to go through this alone? Do I so disgust you now that I've been with Raul that you can't even LOOK at me anymore?" I asked, my lower lip quivering. "You heard me say no….I didn't want to Richard. I swear by the spirits…I didn't want to. I never meant to betray you in that way…I…I'm sorry!" I sobbed covering my face with my hands.

I heard him move close to me and he moved my hands gently away from my face. Confusion etched in his kind eyes as he brushed my wind blown hair away from my face and wiped my tears away with his fingertips. "Kahlan…" he spoke with such tenderness that it caused me to choke out a sob. "Look at me." When I met his eyes he took my face between his shaking hands "Do you think I'm mad at you for what happened?"

"Yes…" I wailed "You won't hold me, or look at me or talk to me anymore…what am I supposed to think?"

"I could never blame you Kahlan! What happened wasn't your fault….it was mine. I don't deserve you….not after what I let him do to you."

"You didn't let him rape me, Richard! You couldn't free yourself! There's nothing you could have done. I would never blame you, Richard."

"But I was there" he cried trying to back away from me, but I wrapped my arms around him, and climbed into his lap holding him against my chest as he wept. "Every time I close my eyes I hear you crying and screaming….and I couldn't do anything….nothing! I couldn't even hold you."

"Hold me now then" I whispered. And then he did, and we both wept our tears falling on each other.

"Kahlan…it would be impossible for you to do anything that would make me not care for you. Nothing….ever. I promise."

I felt a bitter ache in my chest when he didn't say he loved me but I knew I couldn't expect someone as noble as Richard to look at me the same way, now that I was ruined. I moved to the side of him clutching the warm cloak around me and resolved to accept the way he felt about me.

"Did I say something wrong, Kahlan?"

"No." I said, sounding weaker than I wanted to so I shook my head no, hoping he wouldn't catch my lie.

He grabbed my upper arms gently, turning me to face him saying "Tell me. I know you Kahlan, and you're not a very good liar."

"I…I don't know. I just thought …"

"Thought what? Its okay, you can tell me."

"….that you loved me." I said quickly squeezing my eyes shut so I wouldn't have to see his reaction. My cheeks burned with shame and I hid my face against my knees. I jumped, feeling his arms encircle me and pull me tight against him.

His voice was low and tender in my ear "I love you more than anything in my life, Kahlan.." he said with such absolute truth that it stunned me. I looked up at him then, seeing his eyes reflecting the light of the fire and I had never felt more loved in my whole life. He reached a hand up to the side of my neck caressing me there and I closed my eyes and leaning into his touch. He brought his lips very close to mine looking into my eyes as if to question if I was okay. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck, sliding my hands into his hair and pulled him closer as he kissed me, deep and passionate with tenderness that only he could ever give me.

I pulled away, breathless, resting my forehead against his. "I was afraid you wouldn't want me….in that way…anymore. Not after you found out about my powers…and now, that I'm ruined…"

"Kahlan!" he stopped me "do you actually think that your powers would stop me from wanting to be with you? They're a part of you." He said sounding appalled that I would even think that of him "I love everything you are. Your powers are what brought you to me…they're just in the way until I can figure out a way around them." He said mischievously "And you're not ruined, Kahlan."

"But, how could you want me after I've been with Raul…I betrayed you…I'm so sorry!"

"Kahlan," he said gripping my arms tightly to emphasize his reasoning "You did not betray me with Raul…unless you love him…and I don't think you do, do you" he asked raising his eyebrow in mock apprehension. I laughed, which was all the answer he needed "as I was saying. You never betrayed me with your heart. And that matters more to me than anything. And….you're not ruined Kahlan." He said as tears began fresh in his eyes "I would never see you that way. You belong to me…not Raul. No matter what he's done to you, he can't destroy the love that I have for you."

I smiled looking at the man I loved and I knew that every word he said was true. He captured my lips in another kiss. I pulled back just for a moment saying "Richard"…I waited until our eyes were locked before saying "I love you so much. And I always have and I always will. He smiled and kissed me again and we spent the rest of the night in each other's arms knowing that, no matter what happened, we would always have our love for each other.