A/N: Ok; over 50 reviews on only 6 chapters? Wow. Thank you so much to everyone who had been so supportive of this fic. Honestly, I am just so blown away by the kind words people are saying about the past few chapters. Just going to say this now, even thought I doubt I have to, but if you recommend this fic anywhere or draw any art of this fic PLEASE let me know so I can gush. Hehe.

A/N: Like I said, this chapter was going to take me a long time to write and it did. It was very hard and I deleted and re-wrote a lot of it. In the end however I am happy with what I have here. This should be one of the most angst heavy chapters and please *DO NOT READ IF* you are set off by self-harm or suicidal thoughts as both occur in one way or another here. Just going to put that out there now.

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly

How Shall I see you through my tears (Please tell me)
How Shall I see you through my tears (I need to Know)
How Shall I see you through my tears (Yeaah)

I've been waiting for a sign
To ease my troubled mind

Blaine quietly closed the front door to his house, careful not to make too much noise, and quickly walked off towards school. It had been almost a month now since the day his mother had confronted him and life was starting to go back to normal; or at least what Blaine thought passed for normal. A few adjustments were needed, such as trying to sneak out the door without any of the painful banter, but not a lot had really changed. But, at the same time everything had changed. All the denial in the world could not erase the three words Blaine had spoken.

"Zero days left. This is it. My stage debut. Hairspray" Blaine repeated to himself a few times as he walked.

It was a bright Saturday afternoon and full of hope as Blaine walked towards school, not bothering to count his steps as he did. Today he didn't need to. He welcomed the school and could not wait to meet up with Mrs. Tebbit and the rest of the cast for one final dress rehearsal before the big debut he had been counting towards.

Music had become Blaine's escape. He relished any chance he got to sing; especially on a stage. It was a time he could become someone else; an opportunity to let his emotions show like shining light through a stain-glass window. He had been hiding in the dark for far too long and at last he had a way to step out into the daylight.

As Blaine walked up to the school, he noticed how different it seemed on a Saturday. Without the sea of people blocking his view, it all seemed quite innocent. He imagined that it was brighter, too, like somehow it had been painted a shade or two lighter since yesterday. Even the familiar words of 'Oak Ridge High School' that normally seemed so black and un-inviting looked as if they welcomed him with open arms. For the first time in the past month, Blaine started to remember what happy felt like as he walked through the school doors and headed towards the gym.

"And again! One, two, three, one, two, three...-Aha, Laura your dancing is fresh as a moonbeam in May!" laughed Mrs. Tebbit in the distance.

Blaine felt a small grin on his face as he got to the gym door. He had to touch his face to make sure it was there. These emotions were all so unfamiliar to him since he had come out. There was not much to smile about since then.

"Blaine! Our dazzling star has returned to us. Quick, quick! We are practicing the grand finale! Grab your Tracie and spin her!" she said, waving her hands high above her head.

As he looked around the room, Blaine's grin turned into a full smile. Surrounded by this group of people, all singing and dancing, he felt it was the closest thing he had to a home. It gave him a vague sense of hope. And hope was not something he had a lot of.

Several hours later the gymnasium had been transformed into 1960's Baltimore. Various posters and props filled the room, all hand-made by the cast to give it a more 60's feel. Plastic chairs created the rows for the audience and the normally hidden stage was open and bursting with color. Everything was set for the big debut.

With a nod from Mrs. Tebbit, one of the girls opened the gym doors. A swarm of people, mostly adults, made their way inside and filed into the rows of plastic chairs. Until Blaine actually saw the people sitting in the chairs it did not hit him that anyone would actually come to the show. Not only were people attending, it was almost sold out. The only seats Blaine could still see empty were two on the far right of the front row.

"Oh, Blaine dear, who are those two charming people waving at you from the back?" Mrs. Tebbit chimed, tearing Blaine's attention off the overwhelming mass of people.

The Saturday that had started off so bright instantly darkened. It was his parents. Sure enough, they made their way to the front and sat in the two empty seats Blaine had spotted. He had not even told his parents about the musical until recently, and even then he tried to downplay it as strongly as possible in hopes they would not come.

"Ah. I see. So these are foe – not friend?" Mrs Tebbit chuckled. Blaine's face said all too well what he was thinking. "Stage fright is a disease that plagues even the greatest actors of the grand stage, my boy. If you are worried about the audience, or a specific part of the audience, I find the best cure is to picture everyone as a very common piece of fruit."

Blaine instantly jerked his head to face Mrs. Tebbit. His eyebrow was raised as high as it could go and he was glaring at her. This was an odd thing to say – even for her. He seriously doubted picturing his dad as fruit would help, seeing as that was exactly what his father saw him as.

"Perhaps an apple? Or maybe an orange? I would have to draw the line at Banana..." thought Mrs. Tebbit out loud as she ran her fingers down her face.

"Mrs. Tebbit...I'm...scared..." Blaine admitted while staring at his feet.

As he looked up, she was staring down at him and smiling. The look in her eyes however was a sad one. She always seemed to understand the boy, almost like she felt what he felt. Just that look, the one that screamed "You're not alone", was enough to take at least part of the fear away.

"We still have a couple minutes to spare, I suppose. Yes, yes I think we do. Let's try and fight these fears, shall we? To begin with, what are they?"

"Well..." Blaine started to say, looking back out at the daunting audience "I guess I am afraid of...change."

It was quite a vague, but he knew that she would understand. The second he stepped out onto the stage everything would change. The only thing he didn't know was what the change would be. Even though he would be fully clothed, it would be one of the most naked moments in his life; in front of the school, in front of his parents, and in front of himself.

"The hands of time are cruel and unrelenting. No matter what, they always find a way to change that witch you try so hard to preserve. Change is an inevitable truth we must face, my dear. Scary? Yes, but trying to swim against the flow of change is impossible. The only way is forward. So we do just that. We swim forward."

"But - what if I'm not ready for the change, Mrs. Tebbit? It's hard enough as things are...if I do this...I..."

"A part of you is trapped out on that stage dear" interrupted the chatty teacher. "I've seen it and I think you have too. It's what you were meant to do. Nothing else is going to fill you with that same energy. Don't worry. Everything will be most excellent! I promise."

It was all he needed to hear. Her promise felt sincere and true. A warm sense of comfort like a thick blanket swept over him and his nerves started to calm. As scared as he was, performing felt right. He knew that now for sure. He was ready. The time for turning back had passed.

After a few deep breaths and some pacing back and forth, the curtains finally were drawn shut and quiet music started to play. Mrs. Tebbit had stepped out to address the audience as Laura took her place on the far part of the stage. A small bedroom like area was set up for the first number. Blaine was thankful his character did not come in quite yet, but the waiting was quite painful.

"Welcome theatre-goers! Thank you for joining us on this wonderful night to take part in this experience with us. Let us all travel back in time to a different time. A time marked by racial separation. The setting is 1962, Baltimore. Our heroine is Tracy Turnblad, and this is her story..."

As Mrs. Tebbit finished her introduction, the curtains slowly opened and the music got louder as the now very familiar tune of "Good Morning Baltimore" played. Blaine felt the small knot in his stomach, which had been present for over an hour, grow larger. With the first note of the first song, it had all become so much more real.

A few songs later everything was still going just as rehearsed. Blaine had already been on stage and sung with the others in "The Nicest Kids in Town" but it was almost time for him to sing his solo, "It Takes Two". It was Blaine's favourite number and he had practiced weeks to get it perfect.

Finally, the scene before his had finished and the curtains shut for a quick prop change. He walked out into the middle of the stage and took his place. As he did, all the fear and nerves shed like a layer of skin and all he was left with was just what he had practiced all those weeks: raw emotion. It was what made him such a beautiful singer and performer. Everyone in drama had seen it and now it was time to show the entire school; especially his parents.

The curtains slowly opened and the music came on. Like he was on auto-pilot, Blaine started to sing out to the large audience as if he was the only one in the room. No one else mattered; it was just him, the stage and the song. He poured ever last piece of himself into the song and slowly the girls came on stage and started dancing their part of the scene.

This is not at all bad, Blaine thought, actually it feels kind of amazing.

He resisted the urge to look directly at his parents. In his mind he had some ideas of what their faces might look like, but he didn't want to be right. His father had not been pleased when he found out about the musical and something told Blaine it had taken his mother a lot of convincing to even get him to show up. His father's awful words still kept repeating themselves in the back of Blaine's mind like a broken record that refused to stop playing the same note.

"Musical? MUSICAL! ...Mary, how long have you known about this? Why didn't you tell me?"

"D-dear, calm down. I only found out about this a few days ago..."

"And YOU!" his father had shouted, turning to Blaine. "Did you just wake up one day and decide to become some radical homosexual deviant? Should I expect to find you holding orgies in the basement next?"

"Mark! I-I don't think..."

"Shut up, Mary. You knew about this. You knew about all of this! And you just let it happen. Well I am not going to stand around and raise a bleeding liberal son who pushes the homosexual agenda in my face. This conversation is over and Blaine will not be performing in any..." he spit on the ground "...faggy musical."

It had taken much convincing on the part of his mother, but Blaine was allowed to perform in the musical once it had been explained to his father that the musical did not deal with any gay issues. May other comments had been made about the musical later on, but thankfully the roof between Blaine and his parents muffled some of that.

While he was singing, all those memories and words just simply faded into the darkness of his mind. He could be himself and there was nothing his father could do. Ironically, the only way Blaine knew how to be himself was to take on the part of Link, a suave, heterosexual, and very popular boy. It was not exactly the spitting image of Blaine, but the stage let him express things he never got to otherwise. It that was enough for him.

They say it takes two to tango
Well, that tango's child's play
So take me to the dance floor
And we'll twist the night away

About half way into his song, the doors to the gymnasium burst open like someone had let off a loud firecracker. Everyone turned their gaze from Blaine to the doors at the back of the room. In marched a group of about fifteen people, a few of them were fellow students but the rest Blaine had never seen before, all of them carrying large signs. Blaine just kept singing and kept his focus off the back of the room. Nothing was going to distract him from singing. Well, almost nothing.

The group of people slowly filed down the aisles and headed towards the stage. People had begun to whisper loudly and it became much harder for Blaine to focus on his song. The intruders with their signs had now formed a line between the audience and Blaine. Sweat was forming on his back and he started to panic.

The intruders nodded at each other and in one uniform move they all held their signs up and blocked the view of the stage. This is not going to end well, Blaine thought to himself.

"STOP THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA! FREE THE SCHOOL FROM THE GRIP OF RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL INFLUENCE!" screamed one of the older women. She was carrying a sign that read 'They are thinking about the children – a bit too much!'

Everyone on the stage, including Blaine, had stopped. All eyes were turned to the protesters. He could not figure out why they were protesting though. The horrible thought crossed his mind what if they are doing this because of me but quickly he was given an answer.

"Your daughters are being forced to dress up as men and pursue other women in a deviant, sexual way! STOP THE LESBIAN DRAMA TEAM FROM CORRUPTING OUR YOUTH!" screamed another protester.

Mrs. Tebbit. This was all about Mrs. Tebbit. The thought that some of the girls had to play guys parts had never crossed Blaine's mind as being "deviant" but clearly word had gotten out. Looking around, all the other girls on stage seemed just as confused as he did. The girls who were paying guy's parts started to exit the stage as one of the protesters pointed at them and screamed something about "abomination".

"STOP THE MUSICAL! STOP THE CORRUPTION!" screamed one of the boys Blaine recognized from class.

Looking down at the audience, Blaine saw his father get up. Panic set in and Blaine froze as he watched him walk towards the protesters. He half expected his father to join in, perhaps even have his own sign prepared for the occasion, but instead his father just chatted with one of the older men. After talking to the man, Blaine caught a glance from his dad that was full of anger. Obviously he was not happy about the situation. What if...he kicks me out of the house?

Blaine ran off the stage and franticly searched for Mrs. Tebbit. She promised. She said everything was going to be ok. All he wanted was to hear her voice and see her smile. Something, anything, to help numb the fear and panic that was causing him to sweat and shake all over. This was supposed to be the thing that made him feel good about himself and now all he felt was worthless, defeated and un-loved. He could only imagine how furious his parents would be when he saw him.

"Mrs. Tebbit? Where are you!" screamed Blaine as he ran down the empty hall towards her office.

As he passed a window, he saw a dark figure in a dress walking towards the parking lot. It looked an awful lot like Mrs. Tebbit, so he ran towards the front doors to go find out. I need to find her. I need her to fix everything.

He swung the big door open and stopped to catch his breath. He had been running all over the school franticly looking for the illusive woman. It was the first time that he had needed her that she had not magically appeared. It felt strange to not have her at his side with a tissue and a kind word.

"MRS. TEBBIT!" he screamed.

Off in the distance the shadowy figure was climbing into the small black car that belonged to Mrs. Tebbit. So it is her. Why is she leaving? Blaine ran as fast as his small legs would go to catch her. Why is she not responding to me? Where is she going! It was useless. The car skidded for a second and then sped away with enormous speed.

As it did, a large piece of paper flew out of its window and slowly floated through the air. Blaine walked over to the paper, catching his breath again as he did, and picked it up. A look of sheer horror crossed his face as he read the paper. It read, in bright yellow letters, "Come near the school again and die". Under the letters was an old picture of Mrs. Tebbit and a woman he recognized as Susan from the locket. They were kissing. Blaine knew right then that she was not coming back – ever.

Blaine found himself sitting on the edge of the stage and looking out into the now empty sea of chairs. The play had been called off by the principal once he was informed of what had happened. His fellow cast mates had all left and the only noise to be heard now what that of the janitor in the distance. He knew that it was probably time for him to leave as well, but that meant facing his parents. It was something he was not prepared to do just yet.

Today was supposed to be good. Today was supposed to be my day. Everything is just happening...too fast...

The stage no longer felt comfortable or safe. Now it just felt cold and dead. Without Mrs. Tebbit to sit beside him and tell him everything was going to be ok, Blaine was starting to unravel again. He was retreating back to that place beyond sadness, anger and all emotion. It was a place only characterized by darkness.

The more he let himself fade into this darkness the less he felt like going home. He could vividly picture his father yelling and his mother crying the second he would walk through the door. That mask he had hide behind for all those years was useless now. Nothing could ever be hidden again. It was just easier to shut them out of his life. The only way to numb pain was the replace all the love he had for them with hate. He had to. It was the only way to survive.

My parents are gone. Mrs. Tebbit is gone. The musical is gone. I have no friends. No one...no one loves me. I don't even love myself. What is the point...why am I fucking trying...

Some feeling was returning, some kind of emotion, but it was only a brief flash of anger. Blaine was angry at almost everything these days and it took very little to set him off. It was always just a brief moment though. He would smash something, yell into a pillow, or sometimes jab his leg or arm with something sharp. Nothing seemed fair in his life and it was the only way he could release all the anger.

This time Blaine had nothing to smash, nothing to yell into and nothing sharp. All he could do was kick the stage with his foot. He started slow, but it felt good. The release was letting him breathe at least. So he started to kick faster and kick harder. He let out a loud scream, figuring no one would hear him anyways, as he did. The anger passed and he retreated back to the darkness.

None of it even matters anymore. I have no future. No fucking reason to count. Everything is just so pointless.

As Blaine sat, motionless, on the edge of the stage, he heard footsteps behind him. They stopped and a shrill voice spoke up from directly behind him.

"You are Blaine, correct? Humph. I don't know why you are still here. In case you didn't hear, the disgusting musical that...dyke...was trying to put on is officially cancelled. I don't think she is coming back anytime soon, either" laughed the voice.

Blaine turned around. The voice belonged to a short brunette boy, around Blaine's age, that he had seen around the school but never had class with before. He looked very smug and was glaring at Blaine with a look of superiority.

"I've heard the rumours about you. Boy, are there a lot of them. But I know the truth. I've seen you hanging around with that woman they let teach here. I know what her kind do. She recruited you to her deviant lifestyle. But now...well, she won't get a chance to do that anymore."

The anger was returning and Blaine's right hand curled into a familiar fist. Mrs. Tebbit was the only one who had ever shown him an ounce of kindness. She was the only way he made it through the school weeks. That tiny bit of hope she gave him was the closest thing he had to a reason to keep living. And now it was gone and this boy knew something about it.

"What did you do? Did you write that note! Who do you think you are, threatening her life!" Blaine said, finally getting up from the stage and standing face to face with the boy.

He just chuckled. "Whatever she gets, she had coming. This is Ohio, not Canada. We still have some ounce of family value left here. It's a...disgrace...what her kind do. That is not why God created us. It is wrong."

The boy reached into his pocket and pulled out a small pamphlet, handing it to Blaine. It read 'Calvary Cross Church' and had a picture of a big cross on the front.

"My name is Sean. What you are becoming is not natural. It's not right. Only God can fix you now. So if you decide to want to change, come to church. Service is held every Sunday at 10 am and everyone is welcome. Even you."

Without waiting for a response, Sean walked off the stage and out the doors.

Blaine instantly ripped the paper in half and threw it on the ground. If God could fix me, he would of already. But what Sean had said had seeped into Blaine's skin. It consumed every part of him and left the boy feeing ugly and sick. Mrs. Tebbit had not "recruited" him. The feelings had been there long before she had. Maybe that is why God does not fix me? Maybe I have always been doomed...always been this sick, wrong gay pervert. There was no hope left from the once bright morning. All he felt now was the darkness.

In one last attempt to find some comfort, Blaine ran over to Mrs. Tebbit's office. He wanted to find something there to remind him of her smile. Perhaps if I could just see that smile once more. Everyone, even the janitor, had now left. Along the way he stopped at his locker to get out his diary. He had brought it to school thinking he could, finally, document something positive after his first performance. Running his fingers down the locker door he remembered the day Mrs. Tebbit had helped him scrub it clean of the awful words. It just reminded him how alone he was now. Running on her office, he found the door to office was unlocked. He walked in and shut it behind him.

"Why is she gone. Why did she leave me" he muttered to himself.

It was a small office and most of the space was cluttered with books. No pictures hung on the walls or sat on the small desk however. It was almost hard to tell who the office had even belonged to. Blaine tore open every desk drawer and franticly searched for something, anything, to remind him of her. Nothing could be found.

Blaine collapsed onto the floor next to her desk and started to cry. She is really gone. I am really alone. Everything hit him at once like a truck and he almost stopped breathing all together as he gasped deeply for air and looked around the room in an emotional haze. He continued this way for almost twenty minutes, just rocking back and forth on the ground and thrashing his head back and forth in a blur of tears and sobs.

Finally, he calmed down. He got up, sat in her chair, and got out his diary. The tears were gone and the darkness was back. Again, he had forgotten how to feel. It all just felt completely hopeless now as he started to write on a fresh page of his black diary.

Dear Diary,

Today will be the last time I write in you.

It's never getting better. I know that now. I thought I could find my reason for living in time, but I didn't. It's never getting better. Today will be the last day I count. I have reached the end. I don't want these feelings a single day longer. It was the first performance of Hairspray today. Mrs. Tebbit told me it was going to be fine. She told me everything would be "most excellent" with that deceiving smile of hers. And then she left me. I can't believe one performance could go so horribly, horribly wrong. The worst part is that my parents were here for the whole thing. I can't face them now. I can never look my mother in the eyes again and I doubt my father will ever look at me again. There is no point in trying anymore. My parents would be better off without me. God wants me dead, Sean made that very clear. I don't have any friends who would even care if they never saw me again. And now Mrs. Tebbit is gone. I can't keep waking up in the morning. Not to this. Not anymore. I am done. Today will be the last time I write in you...because today will be my last day alive.

Blaine lifted the pen off the paper and just starred at it. What he had just written was still sinking in. He had meant every word of it though. He could not find a single reason to keep on counting when he finally knew what he was counting towards: death. It was the only way to escape everything.

Looking around the room, Blaine contemplated how he would do it. The first thing that caught his attention was the phone cord connecting the small purple phone on the desk to the wall. I could strangle myself or hang myself. Perhaps I could make it into a noose and hang myself in the gym. No one would find me until Monday...

Then he saw a very sharp looking letter opener next to the phone. It was shaped like a small sword and was bright, sparkling silver. He picked it up and pricked his palm with it. This would work too. I could just slit my wrists open and bleed. That is how a lot of people go. Maybe if I crawl into the showers and just...cut...

He let his mind ponder as he scanned the room for more options. An idea came to mind as he glanced up at the roof above him. He was on the first floor now, but he knew the school was quite tall. I could just jump. That is the easiest way. One foot in front of the other and everything will just be over. I can finally just...stop...

A noise from the window caused him to look outside. The window looked out onto the nearby street and a loud car had just driven past well over the speed limit, a very common thing on the normally quiet side street. That would work just as well. I could step out in front of a moving car. It would have to be going fast enough, but I it would all be over...

Finally, he picked up the sharp letter opener again. It felt right as he ran his fingers down the sharp blade. To make sure it would piece skin easily enough, he cut a wide slit in the middle of his palm. The pain was lost on him in this state and the oozing red liquid did not bother him in the slightest. It was escape.

As he pushed back the chair to get up, a stack of books behind him was knocked over. A small note was now peeking out from inside a copy of the novel Mrs. Dalloway that had fallen to the ground. Slightly curious, Blaine picked it up to see what it was. It was very old looking and un-opened. On the front was "To Susan" in neat handwriting. Using the letter opener in his hand, he cut it open with one clean slice and took out its contents. Unfolding the small piece of paper, he started to read, his curiosity building.

Dear Susan,

Today is my first day on this grand earth without you. I know I should not be sad and that you would be very cross at me for being sad, but I can't help but miss you. We had so many beautiful years together, Susan. Those memories will never die, I know that. Perhaps I am just a foolish woman who thought that we would never be parted. Oh Susan, I can almost still feel your soft laugh. I know you would be laughing at me now; you thought me a very silly person. And please know I don't blame you. I love you too much for that, Susan. I am not angry that you left me. One of us had to die first. You always said I was the stronger one, Susan. But that was only because I had you. I know what you would be saying right now, dear. I do still have you as you can never leave me. So I will have to be strong now – for you, love. For both of us. Though sometimes I think I will never stop crying. Yesterday I even thought, just for a moment, about joining you. Don't be angry with me, Susan. It was just a single fleeting moment. But the thought of not being with you was so overwhelming and I just wanted to join you once more. Don't worry though, love. I will live on. For you; for us. One day, hopefully many long years from now, I will re-join you. Until then, I will wear your picture in my locket. You will always be near my heart, love. Because that is the one part of me that does not belong to me. It never has. My heart is yours – eternally.

Love,

Your Michelle.

Blaine's hand slowly loosened its grip on the letter opener and it fell to the floor. A single tear was rolling down his cheek as he still grasped the letter in his hand. He couldn't just give up like that; not anymore.

A/N: Ok that was really hard to write. I had to draw on a lot of feelings I would rather not feel again. But I do it anyways, because someone has to. Stories like this are important. ANYWAYS – reviews make me sleep better at night and get my creative juice flowing so please keep them coming. Don't be afraid to review again if you already have! But I love you all, even the people reading without a account. Big internet hug! Thank you all for sticking with me and SO SORRY about the big gap between updates! Next chapter is planned for this weekend but may take longer. School and all. It will be VERY fun and full of song!