I wanted to do one more Deep Regrets story before working on some other updates, and this one came to me as I was writing Fulfilling A Promise. As most of you know I enjoy writing with a fair bit of humor in my stories, and some teasing, so this has both. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg.
Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
FBI Assistant Deputy Director Seeley Booth sighed in contentment as he relaxed in the mammoth sized tub that was featured so prominently in the obscenely large master bathroom in the mansion that he and Bones lived in. Now this was the life. He took a long drag on the cigar he had in his mouth and blew a smoke ring. Now that took some skills. Too bad Bones disliked his cigars so much, never mind the fact that he smoked maybe four or five in a year at best. But Bones was out of town and not getting back until the next day, so all was good. And the best part? He had his beloved Beer Hat on with two cans of frosty cold beer ready to be enjoyed while taking a well deserved soak, and his favorite, ahem, GRAPHIC NOVEL by his side to enjoy. With their baby daughter being watched by Angela and Hodgins for the night, he could sit back and relax. Yep. He'd said it already, but it bore repeating. This was the life!
How did he get to keep his Beer Hat you wonder? Well that is a bit of a predicament he was now in, wasn't it. You see, Bones did not appreciate, or even consider the creative genius of the Beer Hat. Nope. She simply demanded that it be tossed with a lot of other so-called useless possessions that he'd had at his apartment when he'd moved into her apartment with her. Now how the Hell could an autographed hockey stick from the championship Flyer's team of the mid-seventies be useless? How could an autographed bat that Pete Rose had used in his rookie season be useless? See? That was where he and Bones didn't quite see eye to eye. His prized possessions were damn important, but she laid down the law and decreed that they, and the beloved Beer Hat, must go. And he, being the seriously whipped man who desperately wanted to have lots and lots of sex in this lifetime with the woman of his dreams, namely Bones, caved instantly.
He'd almost had a stroke when she'd said that, and it took him a few minutes to recover from the massive heart flutters and hyperventilating that had been caused by her arbitrary, and unbelievably non-sensical, decree. But then inspiration had struck, and he'd sent her to the store for some food supplies they'd need while clearing out his apartment. While she'd been gone he'd surreptitiously hidden all the decreed no-nos in the storage boxes and out of the way. He'd put the things in storage and one day when he either got her to change her mind (yeah, he knew needing thermal long johns in Hell would happen first), or they moved into a large enough house that he could have a secret man cave to display, for his personal enjoyment, his goodies, he'd retrieve these highly important items. He'd also put in storage the Beer Hat. For some reason she'd been quite adamant that the thing not be anywhere ina place she lived.
But he'd done as told, even if he'd altered the directions a bit. Storage instead of the trash can, but what Bones didn't know wouldn't hurt her in this instance. And, since he'd had the house to himself for the last week while Bones was on a boring book signing tour (talk about the proverbial snoozefest!), he'd decided on his last night of freedom, so to speak, to take out the beloved Beer Hat, take out one cigar, reverently leaf through a new GRAPHIC NOVEL, and luxuriate in bliss. What could go wrong?
"Booth!"
Booth didn't have time to twitch before the bathroom door flew open and Bones rushed right in and sat down on the toilet, pants around her ankles. Now that was something that Booth's sensitive, prudish eyes definitely didn't need to see. He groaned.
"Is nothing sacred, Bones?" he asked, clearly referring to the sanctity of the bathroom when one is in the tub sinfully luxuriating. Alone. Without one's spouse. Complete privacy where man and his Beer Hat can be as one.
"What is that?" Bones asked, glaring and narrowing her eyes at the monstrosity on Booth's perfect head. That's what bothered her more than anything about the ridiculous thing. He had such a perfect cranial structure and musculature surrounding it that she wanted nothing marring her view. At least not something so juvenile.
"Beer Hat," he said with a sigh. "You're home early, Bones. A whole day early."
"I wanted to come home and see my husband and spend a night making love," she replied, still glaring at the Beer Hat and then she noticed something else. "Is that one of those disgusting cigars? In our bathroom? You realize that you will be completely scrubbing and sanitizing the bathroom now."
"Yes, Bones," he said with a sigh. He was so whipped it wasn't even funny anymore. Oh, well. At least there were all night sex marathons like she was hinting at. That made him more than willing to bow down and take it like a man.
"I told you to get rid of that thing," she told him, pulling up her pants and glaring down at him, her hands placed on her hips once she'd finished getting her clothes in order.
"I know," he pouted.
"You told me you got rid of it," she pressed.
"I said I took care of it," he told her. "I didn't lie."
"Just evaded the full truth," she raised a brow, daring him to contradict her. In some ways she loved these arguments as the make up sex later on, usually the next day, was fabulous.
"But Bones, it's a Beer Hat!" he protested. "You have all your candles and other girly stuff! Why can't I have my Beer Hat? And my cigar?"
"Because the Beer Hat is ridiculous, and the cigar stinks, not to mention the seriously deleterious effects on your long term health," she told him. "As for my possessions, they serve useful purposes."
"That sounds sexist and smacks of a double standard," Booth defended himself. It was lame and he knew it, but like he always said, the make up sex was awesome.
"Woman's prerogative," Bones shot back. Ordinarily she would despise such a statement as she just made, but she enjoyed the banter with Booth too much to not make some statements like that.
"I will definitely remember that when you grouse about the Man Cave, and then I'll reverse the prerogative a bit," he smiled. "So you came home for a night of hot sex from yours truly?" he asked, moving on to the vastly more important issue at hand.
"I did, but seeing as you'll be busy most of the night that's been postponed until tomorrow," she told him.
"Postponed!" he yelped indignantly. Bones was a human sex machine in his opinion. She never postponed a night of loving from her FBI Stud!
"You'll be scouring and sanitizing the whole bathroom," she told him. "Twice." She turned to walk out of the bathroom.
"Twice?" he shouted in horror. He knew she was serious because he didn't see the amused glint in her eyes she had when she was trying to tease him, but act serious. This was all serious, kick ass Bones. Damn! The bathroom was the size of most people's living rooms and it would take hours just for one scrubbing!
"And as for my night of hot sex, I'll settle for a couple of satisfying orgasms from BOB," she told him as she sashayed out of the bathroom.
BOB. He hated that acronym. Battery Operated Boyfriend. Yep. The husband's ultimate punishment. Instead of getting to deliver the goods to his wife, he had to settle on knowing that some inanimate object was taking care of business. Well, he committed the crime, and now he was being punished. Wait a minute! He had two punishments! First latrine cleanup duty which was bad enough. A nightmare really. And for a second punishment he had to play second fiddle to BOB! But he had a fond desire to get laid again sometime in this lifetime, so he had to suck it up and take his punishment like a man.
"Hey, Bones?" he called out. "Where are the cleaning supplies?" He heard a faint buzzing sound as the only response. Slumping down in the tub, he took a healthy pull of beer thought the tubing of the Beer Hat. Might as well enjoy it while he had the chance. This was going to be a very long night.
A/N: There are probably a lot of things that can be done with this one, but I wanted it short and funny. The teasing comes in with mention of BOB, which I thought was something that Bones would use to drive Booth nuts at some point in their marriage. I hope you enjoyed this short excursion into the Deep Regrets storyline. Gregg.