Survival

Two more days had passed. They seemed to run together in a blur. I was damaging myself, but I couldn't stop. I would sneak out to the shop at night and curl up in his bed. I knew he wasn't there, and that's why I went. I wanted to smell him. I wanted to pretend that we were still together and that he was sleeping beside me.

The fantasy made me feel better for a short time. It never lasted long though. I would always start thinking about how it felt to have him touch me, and that always made me think about that last night we had seen each other.

Once that hit, the feeling of some normalcy would pass. I would leave and go back to my room, alone. I was at least functioning on my own during the day now. My mom was still afraid to leave me, but I assured her that I would call her if things got too bad.

I was in my room and heard someone knock at the front door. I didn't know who it could be since everyone was at work today, not to mention, everyone I knew used the back door. I crept down the hallway and tried to peek through the kitchen window. Whoever it was stood too close to the door, so I couldn't see them.

I decided to just open the door, because it was probably a Jehovah's Witness anyway. I pulled the door open and saw Jacob standing there, smiling. He took one look at me and the smile faded.

"Bella, are you okay? You look awful."

It took me a second to respond. I hadn't thought that he would be home for another four days. To be honest I hadn't thought about him at all since Christmas day.

"Hey, Jacob. Um, yeah, I'm okay." I stood there like an idiot for a minute, then finally snapped out of it. "Come in."

He walked in and waited for me to say something.

"Can I get you something to eat or drink? I was getting ready to make some hot chocolate for myself, if you would like some."

"Sure." He looked at me like he wasn't sure if he should be here or not.

I went in to the kitchen and focused on what I was doing. I couldn't concentrate on him and do this at the same time. My ability to multi-task had been seriously hindered lately. Once I had the mugs ready I slid one to him and stood across the counter from where he sat.

"So, can I ask what happened, or is it any of my business?"

"You don't want to know."

He eyed me with suspicion, "It's him, isn't it?"

"Who?"

"Edward. You're like this because of him right?" My silence was good enough. "Shit. I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved in this. I knew this was going to happen." He sounded genuinely disappointed.

"You don't understand. There isn't anything going on between me and Edward. It was a stupid mistake that I made. He's in love with Tanya. I'm just having a hard time dealing with my own demons right now."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but he decided not to.

"I thought you were going to be out of town for a few more days."

"I did too. I thought maybe I could come home and spend some time with you though. Guess I should have stayed there."

He wasn't hurt like I was, but his ego was damaged. I was tired of being the one that always let people down. I was tired of always hurting someone. I decided that maybe I didn't have to hurt him anymore.

"You know what? I don't have any plans for New Years. My mom is working, so I'll be here all alone. Why don't you come by and have dinner with me?"

"Are you sure? I'm not interested in being some rebound guy for you. I really like you Bella. If there's even a chance that you aren't ready to move on, tell me now."

"I have spent the last few days crying over something that was never mine to start with. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm ready to let go of that. I want to have fun, and I always have fun with you."

He smiled a bit in response. He still didn't look sure. I would like to say that I was worried that he was going to say no, but I honestly wouldn't have minded one way or the other.

"Fine. It's a date. Just promise me that if you change your mind you will call me."

"You have my word. Look, I've been itching to get out of this house for a few days now. I was about to go for a walk to a river that's a little ways back on the property. You wanna come with me?"

"If you don't mind the company, sure."

"Not at all, just let me go change and I'll be back in a minute."

I went back to my room and looked for some of my outdoor winter clothes. The weather had been colder than normal and I didn't want to freeze. I found my old ski bibs, that oddly enough were never used for skiing, and my thickest coat. I put them on and grabbed a hat on my way back to the kitchen.

"You ready?"

"Lead the way."

We headed out the back door and started towards the river. I wasn't worried about taking Jacob by the shop because I knew that Edward wasn't there. Normally I would have held Jacob's hand, or he would have held mine, but today was different. He knew that, and I was glad he didn't try to force anything.

We walked and I asked about his trip to see his family. He told me all about his crazy aunts and uncles. Some of the stories he told could have been straight out of the movies, and I tried my best to 'ooh' and 'ahh' in all the right places.

We eventually made it to the river and I sat on what had now become my usual rock. Jacob sat next to me, but not too close. We sat there for a while just taking in the sounds and enjoying the quiet. I finally realized that he must have been waiting for me to say something since he had been doing all of the talking.

"Nice isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's very peaceful down here. I can see why you like it."

"It helps a lot to come here and clear my head. It feels like home to me, sitting here. I know that no matter what happens everything will work out." I turned my head and smiled at him.

"I hope so." He smiled back.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew there was no chance that I would be moving on any time soon. I shouldn't be toying with Jacob like that. The only reason I did was because I couldn't help but wonder if having him there would make it easier. Someone to focus my attention on couldn't be a bad thing could it?

We sat together for a while. I wasn't in any rush to get back to the house, and he had no where he needed to be at the moment. I got him talking about his family again. I think he understood that I needed the distraction, so he kept going, even when I didn't ask.

We headed back when I started shivering and couldn't stop. I knew Jacob wanted to offer to put his arm around me for warmth, but he had that uncanny sense that knew I didn't want it right then. He was a good guy. I needed to try, for him.

By the time we made it back to the shop I was actually participating in the conversation. I was telling him about Christmas, though I left out everything that happened after lunch, when I noticed Edward's truck was parked in its normal place just outside the shop door.

I glanced around and saw him watching us from the window. I ducked my head and quickened my pace. I couldn't face him. Not only that, but I didn't want Jacob to know that he was there. Jacob sped up with me.

"What's the rush all of the sudden?"

"Nothing, I just got really cold and I really want to get back inside."

He followed me, and never noticed any false hints in my voice. Probably because I hadn't ever lied to him before. I hadn't needed to before.

"So, if you want, you can just be here around five o'clock on New Year's Eve. I'll cook dinner, so all you need to bring is yourself."

"I'd like that. I'll see you then."

With that he was gone. I sighed, but didn't know if it was in relief or resignation. This day was only half way done, and it had already been too long.

Jacob only stayed for a minute once we made it back to the house. I was half pleased, because I wanted to be alone again, but half worried that Edward might be mad enough to come yell at me once Jacob left.